Bachelorette JoJo Premiere

This is Niku, and he is really excited for this season.

Awwww yeah party people. The Bachelorette is back and thank goodness. This has been the longest eight weeks of my life as we patiently waited to see what crop of nutjobs ABC could dig up for this season. That and what kind of physical modifications ABC would make to JoJo in order to deem her Bachelorette-ready (see also: eyelash extensions).

But before we get into the limo experience, I have to thank ABC for not belaboring the point that JoJo’s heartbreak was one of the worst we’ve ever seen. I can’t remember a time in recent memory when I’ve loved a contestant so much and felt so incredibly sad for someone I only know through instragram. I’m glad they only showed a few of the necessary clips from last season. They could’ve made that staring-longingly-into-a-fountain sequence way worse, so thank you, ABC, for not ruining my night. 

And thank you, JoJo, for that denim-on-denim ensemble. Anyway, off we go!

JoJo shows up to the mansion to find former bachelorettes Des, Kaitlyn and Ali waiting for her to give some advice. Not that I didn’t enjoy seeing Ali’s baby bump, but she’s no longer with the man she chose from her season and is in fact pregnant by another dude, so I’m not sure exactly why she was invited. Besides to give this excellent tidbit of advice:

Ali: The best advice I can give to you is find out who you like week one and ignore them for a while. Guys love that shit.

No, but really. These three are hilarious examples of what to do on your season. Kaitlyn had her little sexcapade in

Dublin and Des pretty much was about to pick Brooks before he left on his own and married Chris instead. Ali gave up Cape Cod Chris which I am still bitter about six years later. Where is Catherine Lowe?!

We then get a glimpse of a few of our new contestants, including Alex the marine (hey boy), Christian the gym rat slash telecom consultant with a heartfelt story, Ali a.k.a. real-life Aladdin running through town with his tiny tiny Maltese and of course sexy famous-by-association Jordan. As you were watching, if you didn’t think that James the Bachelor superfan was a perfect match for me, you really need to reevaluate our friendship. And yes, the erectile dysfunction specialist did just refer to his job as “hard” and “draining” in the same sentence. THIS IS A FAMILY PROGRAM.

These limo exits weren’t as theatrical as in previous seasons, but that didn’t stop a few of them from having the actual worst pickup lines in history.

“I’m not going to do what Ben did to you last season. I’m not going to fall in love with two women.” Well yeah, dude, there’s only one of her. And yes, by all means, let’s bring up her devastating breakup from exactly ten minutes ago.

“Any time you get nervous tonight, you can squeeze my balls.” Um, you’ve had several weeks to come up with a line and this is what you chose?

And my personal favorite, “I’m not wearing any panties.” First of all, you said panties. And second of all, forward. I like it.

And then there was the guy with the toast who completely threw me off because all I could wonder was how long ago he had access to a toaster oven.

By the time all 25 guys make their way inside, there’s only a few who seem promising to me. There’s a lot of “meh” in this bunch, but that could change as the weeks progress. With nothing else to do, the men immediately start sizing each other up, taking their clothes off, and bullying Santa. What is wrong with you people?! It’s SANTA.  

Daniel the Canadian is the worst thing to come out of that country since Justin Bieber and uses his ten minutes with JoJo to ineffectively explain the “Damn Daniel” viral video that JoJo clearly hasn’t seen because she legit was just on the Bachelor in seclusion for three months. I’m not sure if that was more or less awkward than that forced kiss with Will. Who are we kidding? The most awkward part was the two guys who bust into her interview.

We see Ali play the piano for her because, really, what talents does he have to show right now while his magic carpet is in the shop? JoJo loves it of course. Baby Wells and his quartet are cute and funny and also completely irrelevant because there’s no way in hell you’re making it to hometowns. Derek has a sweet, unsure-of-himself vibe that seems to be going around. “I’m more of a nerd,” he tells JoJo as they’re sitting outside on the mansion stoop. She asks him, “Oh, so you’re like, really smart?” Awwwwwkward. Now he has to tell you that he’s only moderately intelligent and was just more of a shy kid.

Robby and Luke are two that I’m unsure about at the current moment. I can’t tell if either of them are cute. Right now I’m leaning towards no. The riding in on a unicorn was a nice touch, Luke, especially how you trained that horse to turn around and leave on its own. And Robby drank wine out of the bottle so. He’s okay in my book until later this season when his not-so-ex girlfriend probably busts in on a group date.

And then there’s Chad.

JoJo: So tell me about yourself. Why are you here, what are you looking for?

Chad: I’m here because I’m ready. I’m financially responsible. I have a 720 fico score so….

WE ALREADY KNOW

Chad is a jerk.  He’s a villain, a bad boy, whatever you want to call him. We already know from the previews that JoJo is into that kind of possible-serial-killer vibe and Chad sticks around long enough to fight with virtually everyone including a door and gets a talking to by Chris Harrison. If ABC is already showing us so much of that storyline, though, there has to be something else brewing. Time will tell. Oh, and he totally didn’t make that guy bleed. Clever editing. Just wait for it.

We also already know that Alex the Marine is short and will get made fun of for it excessively this season. He also can be seen in the season previews wearing a French beret riding a horse or an elephant with JoJo. I couldn’t really tell because I was too busy swooning over sexy Jordan. They set that whole “I should’ve kissed her” sequence with sexy Jordan up perfectly. And yes, until further notice we will be referring to him exclusively as sexy Jordan. She was feelin’ him and we all knew it. He went in for that kiss and all.of.America.felt.it.too.

Whatta man whatta man whatta man what a mighty good man (yes he is).

Okay, so JoJo makes her cuts and nobody left that we were sad about. So now it’s time to make a completely uninformed final 5 guess. Ready? Okay.

1.       Sexy Jordan – Not claiming him as the winner at the moment, but there’s an obvious connection and he’s in a ton of the previews. He could turn out to be a huge, whiny, pain in the ass. Only time will tell.

2.       Marine Alex is adorable and already screams Bachelor to me. He just has that All-American look that I dig, and so does she.

3.       Luke- He’s from Texas, and I think she’s into that. His facial expressions are confusing, though.

4.       Christian—She’s going to fall for his compassion. And his abs. If ABC is thinking about going in a new direction next season, HE could totally be the first non-white bach.

5.       Ali—I don’t think he’s in the top 3, but he’s the only one that I haven’t mentioned that I think she will connect with.

DARK HORSES

Chase and Nick B. Just getting a vibe.

p.s. Jake Pavelka stopped by.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelor Ben: Hometowns!

Awww man it’s hometown week! Secondly only to the fantasy suite, this is the most awkward episode of the season. Guaranteed to have weird parents, awkward conversations and unrealistic mansions that apparently everybody lives in.

We start with Amanda and her daughters and Ben and his capris, which was actually a really adorable moment. They are both super cute little gals and when the older one asked, “Where’s Ben?” I melted a little. He did so well with them playing on the beach and Amanda was like, “Thank god. If this works out I can finally go get a pedicure.”

Amanda’s family was ready to fire the hard questions at Ben, all of which he answered wonderfully. In the end, though, I think we all knew that compared to fun-loving Lauren, sassy JoJo and bat-shit-crazy Caila, Amanda is just in a different place in her life and Ben isn’t ready. My heart breaks a little knowing he will never say my name again (until the Women Tell All!).

Next up to Portland, where Ben and Lauren have a good time wandering the streets and meandering through the shopping district.

Lauren: “Here are the food trucks. I want to try, like, a bunch of them. Did you bring the company card?”

They also go to something called a whiskey library which Lauren refers to as “romantic” and I couldn’t disagree more. The word whiskey reminds me of line dancing and the word library reminds me of a nap. She also said “lie-bare-ey” so I have to go now before I punch something.

Lauren’s family calls her Lo Lo which is endearing and sweet. I seriously think she was the only one with a normal family experience for Ben, which again isn’t exciting because we all know he loves her. Ben’s sister, who is a scary scary little troll, takes him aside to grill him about why Lauren is special. Ben’s answer? Full-on man tears. The sister didn’t really know what to say or do, so they just smiled and went back to the dinner table.

Lauren’s Dad: So how many women did you meet through this process?

Ben: 28. Well, there was that one waitress in Mexico, but that was only the one night.

Before he left in his uber XL, Lauren and Ben chat a little and it is becoming clear to me that she and Caila must be sharing a room because homegirl is making less and less sense as the weeks go on. I guess love with do that to ya.

Onto crazy Caila’s hometown in…I actually don’t know where because I was up getting a snack. This was a great setup for a hometown. Oh, my dad is conveniently the CEO of this toy factory and we are going to go build a house together! Ben is obviously sexually attracted to Caila. Every chance he gets he is mentioning how she’s a sex panther. We get it, dude. She’s got a one way ticket to the fantasy suite.

Oh my god Caila’s dad looks like a doll. Her mom is adorable and has a whole Filipino meal prepared, which means she’s never seen this show before because nobody ate anything. Immediately, Mom and Ben go to have a serious chat which was nice and all but meanwhile Caila is losing more marbles on the couch talking to her dad.

Caila: “I know this is it, Daddy. He’s the one. Am I crazy for thinking that?”

Caila’s dad: (In the voice of Tim Gunn) “Darling! There’s no rulebook for love!”

This whole sequence reminded me of the little mermaid.

Then Ben and dad go to have a chat and Caila is freaking out on the couch to her mom. It’s like all the feels came at once. She asks her mom if she thinks Ben loves her. Like, what is your mom supposed to say? Of course her mom is like, “Yeah, he totes does!” because genetics and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Now Caila is convinced she needs to tell Ben she loves him so she sweetly walks him to the car, kisses him and….does absolutely nothing.

Cool.

I am so sad about JoJo’s date because just when she was finally opening up to Ben, the producers had to go and throw a wrench in the plan by getting the ex involved.

JoJo: I can’t believe he did this! I can’t believe he sent roses to the house!

Ben: Totes. But, like, can I borrow three of those tomorrow? We’re running low on funds after the McDonald’s commercial so…

Luckily they got over it and went to JoJo’s MANSION for dinner and, there waiting in the kitchen, were the two pitbull brothers. The dad was clearly trying to stay out of the conversation and camera frame as much as possible. Mom on the other hand was drinking wine DIRECTLY FROM THE BOTTLE.

JoJo’s mom for president.

I understand the brothers’ concerns, but they wanted Ben to say things that he just couldn’t. You know he can’t say he loves her. You know he can’t say who he’s picking. Asking him to do that is just setting him up for failure. And a fail it totally was.

While Ben Bin is getting grilled by the brothers, JoJo and her tipsy mom are having a heart-to-heart on the couch.

JoJo’s mom: It’s totally going to work out. It’s going to be great.

JoJo: Mom, there’s still three other girls left.

JoJo’s mom: Oh.

Well, this was fun. Everybody is uncomfortable, including me, so it’s time to go.

Rose ceremony time! In the end, Ben really wanted to see JoJo naked didn’t see a future with Amanda so he let her go. She was nice about it, but basically said, “I was already home with my kids. Why did you make me come back and stand here like an idiot?” It was essentially the same message conveyed by Becca, just nicer. He apologized, and Amanda left like the precious angel she is.

Next week, the fantasy suite cards arrive and I will gladly mouth the entire date card along with the reader as I always do. Sadly, I will be away for work so it will probably be just as late as this week’s blog. Sorry in advance!

Bachelor Ben: Week 7

Okay, so, not gonna lie…I totally didn’t watch the Bach until FRIDAY last week. What kind of sick monster am I, right? But seriously, I had to catch the Grammy’s and watch my girl Taylor slay the stage (although she looked like a walking ad for Dunkin Donuts in that getup). Anyway, my b. I’m here now. Let’s do this.

The week before hometowns is crucial in figuring out what kind of season we are going to end up with. If there’s still a villain around for hometowns, the season is pretty much doomed because that means she probs ends up the winner (see also Vienna and Courtney). But, since the villain(s) are long gone at this point, we can assume that Ben’s season will end on a little bit more of a high note. He seems to genuinely care for his remaining ladies, so the big drama will probably come when he has to pick who he loves more at the end. What a tough life; in love with two perfectly-symmetrical and sunshine-y ladies and get to CHOOSE which one you like better. Sign me up.

But, like, not for the ladies part.

Last season, in an obvious attempt to divert the paparazzi from spoiling the finale, the Bachelor had the parents meet farmer Chris NOT in Iowa and instead at a weird remote location. This week, we’re going to Warsaw so Ben can show off his hometown, but maybe that means we won’t be back for the meet-the-parents episode.  Anyway, Ben has a cute little hometown he wants to show off, so he goes to meet his parents in a crowded restaurant to describe the ladies one by one.

Ben: “Amanda is a shockingly beautiful mom, Caila is just regular beautiful, Emily is a twin. Oh, and none of these women have any interests or professions. They’re just pretty or have children.”

Ben goes to the house and invites Lauren B. out on a date in front of all the other women, which wasn’t awkward at all. Lauren B., who I guess we can just start calling Lauren now, runs upstairs to get “ready” for her date that she was pretty much already “ready” for. They leave and the women sit and discuss how awkward it was for him to ask her out in front of them, because they had no idea he was dating other women during this process.

I sort of got bored and distracted during the date to the community center, but Ben working with kids was obviously super cute and that one pissed off kid was the best part.  At this point, we know he and Lauren have a solid relationship so I kind of don’t care what happens with them because we all know she’s a shoe-in for the finale. I’m glad they had fun, but let’s move on.

Ben takes JoJo to Chicago (which shows how much there was to do in his hometown) and they play baseball at Wrigley Field. JoJo calls him “Bin” which is kind of cute except that it’s not. There’s ominous thunder occurring throughout and although they had a great talk at dinner about why JoJo is so scared, I just see it being too little too late (you see what I did there?). But, for realz, she wore a sweater on her date instead of a bodycon dress so, 4 for you, Glen Coco.

Who knew there could be so many awkward dates in one season? I thought the aqua pigs date was bad but this kite-flying situation is painful. Nobody is having fun on this date. Nobody. Becca uses this opportunity to tell Ben she is uncomfortable and slightly unhappy but likes him anyway. It has become abundantly clear that Ben isn’t sure how to take Becca these last few weeks because ever since the Bahamas she’s been using her time with him to whine. You should just be making out with him. Follow Caila’s lead!

Speaking of Caila, she takes her ten minutes with Ben to talk about how she’s moss and doesn’t answer any of his questions about her 5-year plan and basically doesn’t actually say anything at all and confuses America even further. And yet Ben is all googly-eyed so whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.

Amanda is the only one who has a real conversation with him and wins herself the date rose which everyone is pissed about until they find out that…wait…the winner gets to work at McDonald’s for the day. As somebody who used to work at McDonald’s, it is not that glamorous. And she didn’t even get to be in the commercial that ABC keeps showing. LAME DATE, BRO.

Then Ben chooses EMILY to go on the meet-my-folks date and it goes about as well as anybody could’ve imagined. After all, she talked about being average and liking ducks and made Ben’s mom cry. I’m not sure how much more I need to say about this. They pull up to the rental home on a boat (classy) and Ben sits Emily down to let her know what it is while JoJo and Becca peer out the window awkwardly. They can’t tell if she’s happy or sad until she comes back into the house and full on Kim K ugly cries. Sorry, E. Take a duck for the road.

The rose ceremony was painful to watch because everybody knew Becca was donezo and if you didn’t shame on you. Ben blindsided Becca and she used her final 3 minutes to reprimand him for this because she totes asked him not to do that. He was like, “Sorry, this is my show and I’ll do what I want.” It’s okay, Becca. We like you better on snapchat anyway (@beccatilley)

Until hometowns…

Bachelor Ben: Week 6

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but this season is finally getting good. Last night was one of those episodes that elicited all the feels. I laughed, I was sad, I was mortified and I was shocked all at the same time. Thank you, ABC, for reminding me of what high school felt like.

I don’t think anyone actually thought Olivia was getting her rose taken away at the opening rose ceremony, but if you did shame on you for being so green. Ben takes her aside to get to the bottom of this scandal; is she the wicked witch everyone says she is?

Ben: It was brought to my attention that you are showing me a different side than how you are with the girls.

Olivia: They all like to paint their nails and do each other’s hair. I like to read and talk about smart things. Like my cankles.

As I look back on it now, I’m thinking it was just a ploy by the producers to add drama and that he definitely wasn’t going to get rid of her riiiight before he had the chance to sequester her on Gilligan’s Island during a 2-on-1! So much cooler than sending her home before a rose ceremony. That is so last week (Hey Jubes!).

Anyway, Jennifer and her hair clip get the boot and it really sucks because I liked her and am bummed she didn’t get a lot of airtime. Maybe we’ll see you on Paradise, girl.

Time to go to the Bahamas and for things to get exponentially weird! First up, we have Caila getting the one-on-one which we didn’t see much of because Leah was having the first of many breakdowns  back at the hotel.

Leah: Leah is just as cute as Caila. Leah is just as smart as Caila. People totally like Leah just as much as they like Caila. We should totally just stab CAILA!

Eventually, Caila and Ben are having dinner and talking about whether or not Caila loves Ben. Caila is slightly taken back by this, mostly because they’ve known each other for 5 weeks. Ben wants her to be vulnerable, and Caila asks how she is supposed to be vulnerable on the spot. That’s not really how vulnerability works, tbh. She tells him she thinks she loves him, but doesn’t want to hurt him. Most people would be pretty cool with that response week 5, but not Ben because he clearly is feeeeeling our girl Caila and was hoping she was going to be able to validate his feelings through her own. Through some strange twist of fate, Ben is able to understand Caila and give her the rose. Good, because we didn’t know wtf homegirl was saying through most of it.

This group date card is unlike any other because it determines who is going on the 2-on-1 date of death. Sighs of relief pour out of the women as their names are called and we find that Emily and Olivia are the chosen gladiators fighting to the death on the next date. That’s gonna be hella awkward, right?

Not nearly as awkward as swimming with aqua pigs! I found the whole pig scenario to be kind of hilarious and watching the women, Becca in particular, miserably flee from them in the water majorly entertaining. Once that excitement had ended, though, Ben took Lauren B. aside and it became an icy beach—quick. The disheveled women watched, side-eyed, as Ben and Lauren B. talked and joked in the water in plain sight of the rest. Leah in particular is struggling with this and decides it’s in her best interest to give Ben the cold shoulder when he tries to talk to her later. He begs her to just try to enjoy the day because he’s def sending her home later and he doesn’t want it to be awkward in the meantime is a nice guy. She obliges, mascara everywhere, and shuffles away to concoct a busted plan to get Ben’s attention.

At the after party, the thunder is bumpin’ and all these ladies are feeling like it’s now or never to express their inner turmoil. First up is Becca in her black leather skirt who confesses that it sucks to watch him love on Lauren B. so much but it does show her that she actually cares a lot about him. Ben is annoyed by this, I can tell, because he’s basically asking Becca what his response should be to that statement. The robot doesn’t know, so they just make out instead. Next up is Leah, who decides her best option is to tell Ben that Lauren B. isn’t who he thinks she is. This would’ve been an amazing plot twist if, in fact, Lauren B. was actually a fraud. She’s not, though, and I think Ben knows this. Ironically, while this is all happening, Lauren B. comes in to steal Ben away and Leah gets up, tail between her legs, and runs away.

Now Ben is telling Lauren B. that somebody blew up her spot and she is calm about it at first before losing it a little bit. Her hair is getting frizzier by the minutes as she sobs into Amanda’s arms, telling the rest of the women about what he said. Unusually, the women all come to her aid to tell her she’s great and whoever did that is a huge hooker. They eventually figure out that it was Leah and before they even get the chance to confront her, Leah is sneaking over to Ben’s house to attempt a Netflix and Chill sesh.

But Ben is having none of it and sees right through this ploy for attention. He’s gotten good at it by now with the whole Jubes situation. Leah is trying to tell him that she knows they could be something between them. Ben is not convinced.

Ben: Do you really feel something here? Like does this feel right to you?

Leah: Totes.

Ben: LOL k.

Grab your snacks, ladies and gentlemen. It’s time for the main event! Emily and Olivia are off to the 2-on-1 date which was, like, seven minutes, right? It felt so quick. There wasn’t even an activity planned LOL. It was like drive boat to this island, sit down on this blanket, send girl home. Both of Ben’s quick one-on-one chats were awkward and a little annoying. Olivia tells Ben that she’s really intellectual and deep and he nods questionably. The whole time she was talking I felt like she was trying so hard to sound polite and delicate with the things she was saying but it STILL came off as fake and contrived. She says she’s learned a lot about herself during this experience which sounds intellectual and good until Ben asked her exactly what she had learned. She doesn’t know because—shocking!—she hasn’t learned anything ever. She stumbles to find the words and then, POOF! “I love you!” Yikes.

Emily uses her time to show off her best Cousin It impression while speaking a mile a minute about all the things she wants to do with Ben like try green beans for the first time.

P.S. Just turn around and the wind won’t be an issue.

In the end, Ben pulls Olivia aside to tell her he’s not feeling it and all the while she is smiling and nodding because I don’t think she actually knew what he was saying. She didn’t throw a fit because the cameras were on her, but she sure did let out the tears. Even I felt bad that the girl as she stood in on the island as the cameras circled her dramatically. She’s probably still standing there now waiting for somebody to come pick her up.

Lauren H. went home at the rose ceremony and zero people were affected.

The preview for the rest of the season looks good. We’ve gotten rid of all of our villains this year so it’s time for the lovey part to begin. It seems that Ben is conflicted at the end between his final two ladies and has to call his mom to talk about it. I’m really fighting the urge to cheat this season and read spoilers about how it all plays out, but I’m trying to stay strong! Only a few weeks left. I think I can, I think I can....

Bachelor Ben: Week 5

I went to Mexico for Spring Break once with my sorority sisters. While I was there, some pretty crazy stuff happened. On our first venture downtown, the bartender offered us free shots to come into his establishment and dance on the bar. We of course obliged. A few hours later, we stumbled out to catch the bus, all the while being chased by the owner who was yelling at us to pay the very large “bill” we had racked up.  Sorry, sir. Free is free. Another night after dinner and drinks, a local man was playing his guitar for tips on the bus home. He asked me if I would like him to play me a song. About a yard deep into a strawberry daiquiri, I asked him if he wanted me to play him a song. I played Taylor Swift’s Love Story and the bus sang along on the way back to the hotel. And then there was the time my friend ended up on stage naked for a contest. On our last day, one of my friends ended up in the hospital and the rest of us slept on the hospital floor because they wouldn’t let us into her room. We almost missed our non-refundable flight home to the states. It was a great time.

That is what should be happening in Mexico. This episode was not.

We start with a date card that goes to Amanda, and literally everyone is thrilled because it didn’t go to Olivia. I don’t remember what the date card said because I was too busy staring at Caila and her perfect hair. She is a tiny adorable doll and I hope she stays around forever. Usually, the date would be later that day, but nobody rushes off to get ready because it’s happening tomorrow.

JK it’s happening right now, ladies. Hope you slept in your ball gowns.

Lauren H. and her retainer are the best part of this scene. Her hair is so damn voluminous at all times! Get me whatever mousse that gal is using. She’s so embarrassed about how she looks and the other girls rustle around for their hair ties and bb creams for the ten minutes Ben is in the suite while Amanda gets ready.  This is why I would be so bad at this show. I would’ve rolled right over and gone back to sleep. I’m nowhere near as charming in the morning as other Amanda, who woke up like the opening sequence of Grease where cartoon Sandy gets woken up by forest animals.

P.S. I know you all watched that shit. Did you love it or hate it? I thought it was pretty great, despite them overlooking me for the role of Sandy.

Ben takes Amanda to get in a hot air balloon to see the ancient ruins. He tells her all the facts that the producers had him practice on the way there and the two of them ooh and ahh incessantly at the beauty of the landscape. This is a sweet date except that the exact same date happened on Farmer Chris’ season with Britt where she slept in a full face of makeup and then sobbed about her fear of heights before quickly jumping into the balloon and sailing away. It just didn’t have the same wow factor this time because Amanda is seemingly normal.

Back at the house, Lauren H. is having a—wait for it—casual chat with Olivia. WHY, LAUREN? Why would you do that to yourself? It’s the kiss of death. They are discussing whether or not they believe Ben is ready to take on a woman with two children, which is ridiculous because all you know about Ben is what the inside of his mouth tastes like. Olivia is shaking her head dramatically “NO” and Lauren is agreeing. Do you people watch this show? LITERALLY STOP TALKING ABOUT THE MOM. But we all know it gets worse from here.

Back on the date, Amanda is spilling her guts to Ben about her ex and his adulterous ways. Add it to the list from earlier this season: If JoJo AND Amanda are getting cheated on, there’s no hope for us peasants. Ben is really sweet about this (obviously) and he essentially tells her he is not worthy of her mom-ness.

The group date is a Spanish lesson and a cooking competition, which both sound horrific to me. The producers had to know by this point in filming that all of their prospects for crazy were dwindling so they shoved all the moderately interesting and unstable women onto this date. Olivia and Jubilee are the only ones left who provide any kind of discomfort for the viewers, so of course they are both invited. And then there’s Emily, who literally hates Olivia so much she had to phone a friend later in the episode to talk about it.

They learn how to say some Spanish phrases and then have to take turns getting up and saying them to Ben. In front of each other. To make matters worse, Olivia is good at Spanish and is confident she’s winning his heart with her tongue rolls. Jubilee may have been fluent in Spanish for all we know, but we don’t get the chance to hear her skills because she is refusing to participate in this exercise, like, at all. Everyone is uncomfortable and not just because of those horrible metal desks. She flat out denies Ben when he tells her he loves her in Spanish. I think maybe she was trying to be cute. I think maybe she was trying to be funny and prove a point. I think she dug her own grave in that moment.

Now it’s time for the cooking competition. I love that JoJo and Becca are partners again after their wild success with the map of the United States on the last group date challenge. At least you guys are pretty. And I also love that Becca was wearing her hair in a half-up top knot and so was I while watching. Here is the proof.

Poor Lauren B. gets stuck with Jubilee as a partner and that totally sucks because Jubes is clearly the biggest brat of life. They end up having the best dish at the competition, but that doesn’t stop the mayhem later at the after party. For all of you who were Team Jubilee:

Ben isn’t even done lying to everyone about how fun today was before Olivia steals him away to chat first. Right, bitch. Because you didn’t just have, like, the entire day with him at the competition. They talk about absolutely nothing and Jubilee sinks lower and lower into the couch as Ben steals woman after woman away to chat. She comments on him holding everybody’s hand and how she feels like she’s competing with everyone to steal a glance from him. Well, yeah, that’s exactly what is happening. You actually volunteered for this, did you know?

Eventually, Ben comes to get Jubes and tries to hold her hand to lead her away from the group. Jubilee says no, later claiming that it would’ve been awkward to do that in front of everybody else. Actually, it’s awkward that Jennifer is wearing pink rock earrings. What you just did was rude.

On a park bench somewhere away from the group, Jubilee is throwing herself another pity party but this time Ben is not having it and shuts it down like Olivia Pope. She’s trying desperately to make herself seem less than the other women, referring to them collectively as “the Beccas” and “the JoJos” and “The Lauren B.’s” in a painfully desperate attempt to force Ben to say, “No, you’re great! You’re perfect. I love you!” He doesn’t, though, and in fact tells her flat out that she’s a huge brat and he hates her weave and she should leave. Or something like that.

Real talk: Recently, I had started talking to somebody who was a self-proclaimed awkward guy. It was rarely an issue because he wasn’t shy and when things were light and fun it was easy. But as soon as there was a little bit of conflict, he shut down completely, blaming it on being awkward. It was so hard because all I wanted was for him to be able to say, “Yes, I like you. I have a hard time saying it, but I do.” He couldn’t, though, and ultimately let the fear of saying how he actually felt stop him from saying anything at all. That’s kind of how this situation played out with Jubilee. They obviously had chemistry, but she got in her own way and blamed it on being awkward. If she could’ve just mustered up the confidence to tell him how she was feeling, instead of constantly reminding him that she was complicated and ruminating about being awkward, maybe things would’ve gone differently for them. I think that’s why I always felt so annoyed by her; being awkward is irrelevant. You have to be willing to feel vulnerable in the moment and take the risk.

The most disappointing part was that she didn’t throw anything or smash any glasses on her way out. It was a  l o o o o o o n g walk out, right? Several minutes of sniffling through the hallway to eventually find the car waiting for her. I’m not sad to see you go, Jubes, but I do hope you learned something about yourself watching this back on TV.

Lauren H. gets the last date of the week and I think everyone watching was a little confused. She appears to be sweet enough but she seems more like the girl you see in the bloopers than the girl you see at hometowns. We don’t really know anything about her at this point except that she teaches kindergarten and she sleeps with a retainer.

Ben takes her to walk in a fashion show and of course he is beautiful and perfect and stunning while he werked that runway (albeit in that fugly top). Lauren seems to have a good time and doesn’t fall, which I think we were all hoping for. At dinner, Lauren decides that the best way to lead into their first date is to talk about the girl Ben just dumped a few hours ago. It was risky, but it worked. They end up having a great conversation about how Lauren was cheated on before (add another tick to the tally) and that helped her become the strong and happy person she is today. Ben seemed to let her out of the friend zone slightly, but I’m still not convinced that she will be around much longer.

The cocktail parties have become very formulaic at this point. Olivia steals Ben away first, the women are mad and talk about her behind her back, everyone feels awkward and pissed when she eventually gets a rose anyway and we go to commercial. This time, Olivia already has a rose from some freak accident on the group date and the women are furious. As they are all chatting on the couch, Amanda is telling a story about her kids and their father when Olivia suggests that her life is something out of a Teen Mom episode. Everyone looks at her with disgust. Lauren B. definitely wins for the best facial expressions during this exchange, and it takes Amanda a solid twenty seconds to respond. She was way kinder about it than I would’ve expected, and Olivia immediately bursts into fake ass tears because she’s learning a lot about herself through this process. Um, that you’re a bitch? 

Welcome.

Twin Emily has had enough. She decides to tell Ben that Olivia sucks and that she’s making her uncomfortable. Later, Amanda tells Ben Olivia sucks and she makes her feel targeted. Finally, Ben asks to talk to Olivia before the rose ceremony assumedly to take her rose away and send her home. Nice try, ABC. I don’t buy it for a second. That witch will be around for another week.

Bachelor Ben: Week 4

It has become abundantly clear that this season will not be the most dramatic in Bachelor history and we know this because Chris Harrison hasn’t said dramatic once the whole month it has been on. I think we can all agree that this season isn’t spicy and probably is going to become even more dull as Olivia and Jubilee self-combust over the next few weeks and eventually exit, leaving us with several normal, kind, beautiful women. This is all slightly unprecedented as far as this show goes; we usually have a villain who makes it pretty far, a secret or two to be exposed and a front-runner who ends up leaving on her own. It doesn’t look like any of that is going to be happening for us. So, instead of bashing Ben (I still love him. That man is fine), let’s just accept him for his vanilla goodness and talk about the crazies while we still have them.

Chris Harrison and his tiny tiny man jeans come to the house to tell the ladies to pack their bags because they are going to the annulment marriage capital of the world! Shrieking ensues. Olivia earns one point by suggesting that she might use her downtime in Vegas to go see Celine. I’ll go with you. Not even you could ruin that experience for me.

JoJo deservedly gets the first one-on-one and she and Ben head outside to an obvious helicopter pad the rooftop to drink champagne at 10 a.m. Ben tells her he thought they could just have a quick drink and JoJo says she loves that. Do we remember the last time Ben took JoJo to a rooftop? She also loved that he took ten minutes to get to know her. She pretty much loves everything, Ben. You could’ve asked her to join you at your colonoscopy and she would’ve loved that, too.  She’s just really thankful, guys.  

The helicopter arrives and the vultures watching from the window are baffled and envious for about 12 seconds before shuffling off to the mini bar in disgust. JoJo and Ben have a great date doing who knows what because they don’t show us. Later, on a cozy couch with uneaten snacks and some fabulous lanterns from Hobby Lobby, JoJo tells Ben all about her trust issues because of her ex-boyfriend who was talking to other girls behind her back. Note to self: If somebody like JoJo is getting cheated on, give up now. There is no hope for the rest of us peasants. Anyway, Ben gives JoJo the rose and they go back to another roof and watch fireworks. And you know what? She loved it.

The next day the group date card arrives and whichever producer writes the date cards and determines the order in which the roses are given out is out for blood, leaving Olivia for last in all possible scenarios. You could see her brain start to unravel as she almost gets the one-on-one and instead gets added to the group date, leaving Becca as the lucky gal home alone with JoJo today.

But you know what? Olivia decides to make the best of it by slipping on her favorite sleeveless turtleneck and heading out with the rest of the ladies to the talent competition. Ben says he wants to find a woman who doesn’t take herself too seriously and can laugh at herself. He ended up with a chicken, a clown on a pogo stick and a busted showgirl who popped out of a cake. 

He should’ve been more specific.

We can all agree that Olivia’s performance was abysmal, mostly because she wasn’t even pointing her toes while she was kicking. Everyone knows that’s the first rule of a kickline, you amateur! She immediately goes from awkwardly laughing in the crowd to an alleged panic attack backstage. I’m no doctor, but that didn’t really seem like a panic attack to me. That seemed like indigestion at best. Rachel rushes to her aid, seeking her 15 minutes of fame. Kiss of death, Rachel. Do you remember Jami, who tried to help Olivia last week? No, you don’t. Because she’s gone. And so are you. BOOP.

Cut immediately to Lauren B. who is leading the sweetest girl power huddle ever, telling everybody they should be proud of themselves for getting up there and doing that. Can she get any cuter?

It is, Olivia. It sure is. 

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!

At the after party, Caila steals Ben away and decides there’s no time like the present to climb into his lap and make out. Ben isn’t sure about this and tells Caila they should probably wait to get physical. JK! Ben is totally all about it and no words are spoken for the rest of the time they are together. Get it girl.

Olivia wants to tell Ben she’s sorry for being awkward on the date but she should really be sorry for wearing that heinous grey romper. Whoever said grey is the new black is seriously disturbed. Ben tells her not to worry about it and let’s move on. Which Olivia cannot do because she still feels awkward and it’s all about her.

In a strange twist of events, Lauren H. the kindergarten teacher is still on the show and actually kisses Ben and his puppet during some one-on-one time. I think everyone used those four minutes to get up and get a snack, am I right?

This is Lauren B. 

The date rose goes to Lauren B., who sparkles like the shining star she is. 

Becca’s one-on-one date is weird. First of all, how quick are these weddings? They performed at least seven. I know we were all confused by that Asian man who kissed his bride 3 times and went to Google to see if it was some sort of little-known tradition. I didn’t find anything p.s. I also wasn’t sure why Becca was wearing white to somebody else’s wedding. The whole thing was just odd. The night portion was good, though. Becca basically told Ben he was way more interesting than farmer Chris and they made vows to each other for the rest of their days. Which is about 28 if I’ve calculated correctly. They are altogether very mundane, but it wouldn't be the first time we saw two robots fall in love. 

At the cocktail party, my girl Jennifer stole Ben away before the Jaws of Life could claim him. It was really sweet because she immediately told him how nervous she was and how she had been planning it all day. The whole exchange was giving me the feels until OLIVIA had to come and steal him away. Let me be clear in the event that this hasn’t been obvious so far. Olivia is, above all things, selfish. She is concerned only with making herself feel better at all times. She felt uncomfortable about what she did at the talent show and wants to go back to feeling like number one. She is clearly not listening to a word Ben says because he has reassured her countless times that it’s over and let’s move on. If she actually was listening to him, she would’ve taken his warning at the group date seriously and talked about something—anything—else to get the conversation flowing. Instead, she and her disco dress complained and apologized not once but twice while interrupting everyone she could.

I CAN’T WITH HER.

She heads back to the group and JoJo immediately calls her over.

JoJo: How did it go?

Olivia: It went really well. I told him I was falling for him. And he said he loves me, too.

JoJo: He did?

Olivia: Well, not exactly. He blinked twice, quickly. That’s sort of the same thing.

Meanwhile, Caila takes Ben for a little walk and stops for a quick and forceful makeout on the way. Mama is thirsty this episode.

Jubilee is still whining about being different and I’m probably more over her than I am with Olivia. Ben is reassuring her, as usual, that she is kind, she is smart, she is important. But you can see the constant need to reassure the needy ones is getting to him. I don’t see it lasting much longer before he breaks.

Also, you’re not complicated. You’re a brat. There’s a difference.

The rose ceremony results come as a shock to no one because Rachel (who?) and Amber both shot themselves in the foot by fraternizing with the villain too early. Have you watched this show? You can’t confront the villain until final four. God, Karen, you’re so stupid!

 Oh wait, I straight up forgot the part with the twins. Whatever, it was awkward and obviously a ploy by ABC to not have to pay for Haley’s flight home from whatever city they go to next. Emily will be around for another week or two and maybe we will learn something about her besides the fact that she only eats pizza bagels. Did anybody else hear her say that last week?

xoxo

Bachelor Ben: Week 3

More hot tubs, please!

This episode opens on Amanda and Lauren chatting about how awful Olivia is. ABC is wasting no time with this villainous plotline, especially since they really don’t have anything else to go on. This is the first of many chats about the good dinosaur this evening, so let’s keep it movin’.  

Lauren B. gets the first date card and Olivia is pretty confused because Ben brushed her leg earlier and she though it meant they were getting engaged. Nonetheless, she is fake-excited for Lauren B. and will probably put a stink bomb under Lauren’s bed while she is out on the date and then make this face:  

The plane date is sort of cute but maybe would’ve been cuter for somebody who doesn’t, yanno,  work on a plane. Call me crazy but if Ben took me on a date to a college fair I would be pretty pissed.

Ben: "What does life look like to you? Like what does an average day look like?”

Lauren B: “What do you mean?
 

That one wasn’t meant to stump you, Lauren. I guess we should start small. Let’s spend some time talking about your dad’s garden instead. And let us not forget the time Lauren blurted out that she wanted to meet Ben’s family on their second date. He is unfazed by this, which either makes him crazy or awesome. Did you ever see the 1996 film Fear starring a young Reese Witherspoon and Mark Wahlberg? He asks to meet her family on their second date. He later broke into her home and tried to murder her family. So.

P.S. If you haven’t seen that movie, what is your life?

Meanwhile at the mansion, Caila is having all the feels as she realizes, just now, that Ben is going on dates with other people. JoJo nods sympathetically, but really is searching for the nearest exit.

Now it’s time for the soccer date, the one date—besides the Broadway one—that I would want to be on! Would I be disqualified if I just punted the ball directly at Olivia’s head? Better not, for fear she would swallow it whole and then get to go to the hospital with Ben.

 This is the most deplorable example of athleticism I have ever experienced and I’m offended FOR the U.S. team members who had to endure that atrocity. They’re all huddled around the ball like toddlers hacking away at each other’s shins. Twin A is killing it as the goalie while Lace struggles across the field. 

Leah: Nobody told Lace she could use her hands. 

Rachel: One time, she asked me how to spell orange. 

Eventually, Olivia’s team wins and they head to a hotel where they sit around and discuss Olivia’s toes. Jami (who wants her 15 minutes, damnit!) makes a beeline for Olivia to tell her what the others were saying. Cameras rolling, she pretends to be politely offended by this but I know she definitely switched out Amber’s relaxer for bleach when they got home.

Olivia: People find me intimidating. Idk why?

Ben: I believe the term they used was raging bitch, but don’t quote me.

Amber gets the rose and nobody is more surprised than Amber. Except maybe America.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee is crying to JoJo, telling her how hard she has it.  

Jubilee: I'm so much more complicated than everybody else here. This is a weave! I can’t just get in a pool like you.

Jubilee’s date was refreshingly honest and genuine. I know America is rooting for her, just not this American. Let’s get one thing straight; I understand that she’s had a tough road and that some of her issues are deeply rooted in guilt and insecurity. I get that. However, I can’t condone getting up and removing yourself from the group—very intentionally—and then turning around and saying it’s because you’re awkward. It’s painfully obvious you haven’t made one tiny effort, so, no, I’m not going to feel sorry for you. You’re a miserable wet rag until you get your way. That has nothing to do with adoption. Plus, I strongly believe that if you are intelligent enough to vocalize your issues, you can also be held accountable for your actions.

Cocktail party! All of their faces are different colors from their bodies. Tell me any one of them isn't spray tanned. Tell me!

Ben tells us two family friends passed away in a plane crash and he is feeling kind of bummed about it. Naturally, Olivia talking about her cankles to cheer him up.

Amber decides to confront Jubilee about her holier-than-thou attitude in front of Ben, which is certainly the kiss of death on this show. If you didn’t have that rose, you would be gone gone gone this week.

In the end, Shushanna and Jami go home because who cares.

In the preview for next week, Olivia has a panic attack just like badlands Kelsey. I seriously hope it goes over similarly.

The two-on-one date should be coming soon. Are you there, God? It’s me, Amanda. Please put the twins on the two-on-one. Pretty please.

Side bar- does anybody besides me and Kris Jenner watch Bachelor Live? I kind of got the vibe from Chris Soules that he’s not really feelin’ Becca these days and that he shared that sentiment with Ben. Anybody else pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

Until next time…