Bachelor Colton: Weeks 4&5

In an effort to keep up with the details, I take notes on my phone each episode and then email it to myself to write the next day (or month) on my lunch break. Sometimes I go through phases where I need to clean my mental and physical space to reset and recharge. Sometime between last Monday and now I must’ve done that because I for sure deleted my notes for week four. So, here is my abridged version:

• ·        Tayshia has a super-fun date where they jumped SOLO off of a bridge into the world’s tiniest pool (lame) and it turns out she is recently divorced and like, really pretty. Why is ABC hiding these people from us?
• ·         The group date was putting leeches on your body and eating fish eyes so no thanks.
• ·         Caelynn’s 1-on-1 is heartwarming and heart-wrenching all at the same time. That is enough genuine emotion for one season.
• ·         Hannah B. will do eat anything for attention as we have learned and threw serious shade at Chris Harrison when he accidentally called her Caelynn. It’s cool, though, because those girls totally buried the hatchet.
• ·         Courtney is out-of-control and of course she is best friends with crybaby Nicole. I can’t believe this is coming out of my mouth, but Demi was not wrong and Courtney deserved to get the boot alongside prehistoric Tracy.

AND NOW FOR WEEK 5

We all knew long-hair-Heather was going to get a date at some point, because ABC was not going to let her steal Colton’s thunder on a national stage without capitalizing on it. Someone with LESS sexual experiences than Colton? This will not stand. Now that she has been kissed, she is of no use to them, and she should be gone in a week or two. 

I’d feel differently if she had a moment of interesting conversation, nay, any conversation with Colton that didn’t lull me to sleep. Instead, she flipped her hair no less than 600 times while they piped in soundbites of her moaning loudly over footage of them very clearly sitting in silence.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Elyse is real mad because she is just now realizing she is going to have to share Colton with other women for the remainder of the season. I can’t be sure, but I have to believe that this was listed somewhere in the contract you signed.

Elyse spends some time curling her hair (which she immediately threw up into a bun), slides on her most ethereal white dress, and clip-clops down the path to Colton’s hut. He is confused to see her (didn’t I just take you on a date, like, two weeks ago?) and even more confused to hear what she has to say, which went a little something like this:

ELYSE: I want to build a relationship with just you and me, not all these people. I can’t accept a proposal in a few weeks. I also really like you and don’t want to do this.

She leaves and Colton is like:

The next group date confirms my suspicions that ABC is on a tight budget this year. Canoe races, leeches, and now setting them free in the forest to find bugs?

Taysia wins the group date by literally sending her teammates off into the forest to find bugs so she can make out with Colton AND THEY JUST DO IT. They literally just turned around and walked away. You deserve your fate, ladies.

Hannah B. eats another non-food item.

At the after-party, Onyeka pulls aside her best gal pal (lol) Demi to tell her some gossip about Nicole. Demi concurs that she should tell Colton, so of course she does:

ONYEKA: I am here for you, so I just wanted you to know that Elyse told me that she heard from Jenny who heard it from her cousin Rita’s manicurist who read it on twitter that Nicole came on the Bachelor to leave Miami.

COLTON: Who is Nicole?

First of all, that’s not even shady. You all came on the Bachelor to travel and for opportunities. Second of all, put those two pieces of hair slithering down your face somewhere else.

Onyeka goes back to the group to tell them what she’s uncovered, and Taysia is having none of it:

TAYSIA: Actually I was sitting right there for that conversation and that’s not what happened at all. It was Rita’s facialist.

Nicole catches wind of all of this from Colton and she is furious. She holds onto this anger for a FULL TWO DAYS because she brings it up again at the cocktail party and it ends in an all-out war of words between Onyeka and Nicole. Colton is having some one-on-one time with Katie and has to literally get up and go mediate these two grown women who he can hear screaming somewhere on the other side of the mansion. 

Cassie also had a date, but I kind of don’t get the appeal. ABC is clearly editing it to not include her much up until this point, but then shows all the women talking about how obvious Colton’s connection with her is. She also earned zero points for trying to make admitting you were a virgin on national television and admitting you were not a virgin on national television the same and it’s not the same, little darlin’.

Until next week….