Bachelor Ben: Week 5

I went to Mexico for Spring Break once with my sorority sisters. While I was there, some pretty crazy stuff happened. On our first venture downtown, the bartender offered us free shots to come into his establishment and dance on the bar. We of course obliged. A few hours later, we stumbled out to catch the bus, all the while being chased by the owner who was yelling at us to pay the very large “bill” we had racked up.  Sorry, sir. Free is free. Another night after dinner and drinks, a local man was playing his guitar for tips on the bus home. He asked me if I would like him to play me a song. About a yard deep into a strawberry daiquiri, I asked him if he wanted me to play him a song. I played Taylor Swift’s Love Story and the bus sang along on the way back to the hotel. And then there was the time my friend ended up on stage naked for a contest. On our last day, one of my friends ended up in the hospital and the rest of us slept on the hospital floor because they wouldn’t let us into her room. We almost missed our non-refundable flight home to the states. It was a great time.

That is what should be happening in Mexico. This episode was not.

We start with a date card that goes to Amanda, and literally everyone is thrilled because it didn’t go to Olivia. I don’t remember what the date card said because I was too busy staring at Caila and her perfect hair. She is a tiny adorable doll and I hope she stays around forever. Usually, the date would be later that day, but nobody rushes off to get ready because it’s happening tomorrow.

JK it’s happening right now, ladies. Hope you slept in your ball gowns.

Lauren H. and her retainer are the best part of this scene. Her hair is so damn voluminous at all times! Get me whatever mousse that gal is using. She’s so embarrassed about how she looks and the other girls rustle around for their hair ties and bb creams for the ten minutes Ben is in the suite while Amanda gets ready.  This is why I would be so bad at this show. I would’ve rolled right over and gone back to sleep. I’m nowhere near as charming in the morning as other Amanda, who woke up like the opening sequence of Grease where cartoon Sandy gets woken up by forest animals.

P.S. I know you all watched that shit. Did you love it or hate it? I thought it was pretty great, despite them overlooking me for the role of Sandy.

Ben takes Amanda to get in a hot air balloon to see the ancient ruins. He tells her all the facts that the producers had him practice on the way there and the two of them ooh and ahh incessantly at the beauty of the landscape. This is a sweet date except that the exact same date happened on Farmer Chris’ season with Britt where she slept in a full face of makeup and then sobbed about her fear of heights before quickly jumping into the balloon and sailing away. It just didn’t have the same wow factor this time because Amanda is seemingly normal.

Back at the house, Lauren H. is having a—wait for it—casual chat with Olivia. WHY, LAUREN? Why would you do that to yourself? It’s the kiss of death. They are discussing whether or not they believe Ben is ready to take on a woman with two children, which is ridiculous because all you know about Ben is what the inside of his mouth tastes like. Olivia is shaking her head dramatically “NO” and Lauren is agreeing. Do you people watch this show? LITERALLY STOP TALKING ABOUT THE MOM. But we all know it gets worse from here.

Back on the date, Amanda is spilling her guts to Ben about her ex and his adulterous ways. Add it to the list from earlier this season: If JoJo AND Amanda are getting cheated on, there’s no hope for us peasants. Ben is really sweet about this (obviously) and he essentially tells her he is not worthy of her mom-ness.

The group date is a Spanish lesson and a cooking competition, which both sound horrific to me. The producers had to know by this point in filming that all of their prospects for crazy were dwindling so they shoved all the moderately interesting and unstable women onto this date. Olivia and Jubilee are the only ones left who provide any kind of discomfort for the viewers, so of course they are both invited. And then there’s Emily, who literally hates Olivia so much she had to phone a friend later in the episode to talk about it.

They learn how to say some Spanish phrases and then have to take turns getting up and saying them to Ben. In front of each other. To make matters worse, Olivia is good at Spanish and is confident she’s winning his heart with her tongue rolls. Jubilee may have been fluent in Spanish for all we know, but we don’t get the chance to hear her skills because she is refusing to participate in this exercise, like, at all. Everyone is uncomfortable and not just because of those horrible metal desks. She flat out denies Ben when he tells her he loves her in Spanish. I think maybe she was trying to be cute. I think maybe she was trying to be funny and prove a point. I think she dug her own grave in that moment.

Now it’s time for the cooking competition. I love that JoJo and Becca are partners again after their wild success with the map of the United States on the last group date challenge. At least you guys are pretty. And I also love that Becca was wearing her hair in a half-up top knot and so was I while watching. Here is the proof.

Poor Lauren B. gets stuck with Jubilee as a partner and that totally sucks because Jubes is clearly the biggest brat of life. They end up having the best dish at the competition, but that doesn’t stop the mayhem later at the after party. For all of you who were Team Jubilee:

Ben isn’t even done lying to everyone about how fun today was before Olivia steals him away to chat first. Right, bitch. Because you didn’t just have, like, the entire day with him at the competition. They talk about absolutely nothing and Jubilee sinks lower and lower into the couch as Ben steals woman after woman away to chat. She comments on him holding everybody’s hand and how she feels like she’s competing with everyone to steal a glance from him. Well, yeah, that’s exactly what is happening. You actually volunteered for this, did you know?

Eventually, Ben comes to get Jubes and tries to hold her hand to lead her away from the group. Jubilee says no, later claiming that it would’ve been awkward to do that in front of everybody else. Actually, it’s awkward that Jennifer is wearing pink rock earrings. What you just did was rude.

On a park bench somewhere away from the group, Jubilee is throwing herself another pity party but this time Ben is not having it and shuts it down like Olivia Pope. She’s trying desperately to make herself seem less than the other women, referring to them collectively as “the Beccas” and “the JoJos” and “The Lauren B.’s” in a painfully desperate attempt to force Ben to say, “No, you’re great! You’re perfect. I love you!” He doesn’t, though, and in fact tells her flat out that she’s a huge brat and he hates her weave and she should leave. Or something like that.

Real talk: Recently, I had started talking to somebody who was a self-proclaimed awkward guy. It was rarely an issue because he wasn’t shy and when things were light and fun it was easy. But as soon as there was a little bit of conflict, he shut down completely, blaming it on being awkward. It was so hard because all I wanted was for him to be able to say, “Yes, I like you. I have a hard time saying it, but I do.” He couldn’t, though, and ultimately let the fear of saying how he actually felt stop him from saying anything at all. That’s kind of how this situation played out with Jubilee. They obviously had chemistry, but she got in her own way and blamed it on being awkward. If she could’ve just mustered up the confidence to tell him how she was feeling, instead of constantly reminding him that she was complicated and ruminating about being awkward, maybe things would’ve gone differently for them. I think that’s why I always felt so annoyed by her; being awkward is irrelevant. You have to be willing to feel vulnerable in the moment and take the risk.

The most disappointing part was that she didn’t throw anything or smash any glasses on her way out. It was a  l o o o o o o n g walk out, right? Several minutes of sniffling through the hallway to eventually find the car waiting for her. I’m not sad to see you go, Jubes, but I do hope you learned something about yourself watching this back on TV.

Lauren H. gets the last date of the week and I think everyone watching was a little confused. She appears to be sweet enough but she seems more like the girl you see in the bloopers than the girl you see at hometowns. We don’t really know anything about her at this point except that she teaches kindergarten and she sleeps with a retainer.

Ben takes her to walk in a fashion show and of course he is beautiful and perfect and stunning while he werked that runway (albeit in that fugly top). Lauren seems to have a good time and doesn’t fall, which I think we were all hoping for. At dinner, Lauren decides that the best way to lead into their first date is to talk about the girl Ben just dumped a few hours ago. It was risky, but it worked. They end up having a great conversation about how Lauren was cheated on before (add another tick to the tally) and that helped her become the strong and happy person she is today. Ben seemed to let her out of the friend zone slightly, but I’m still not convinced that she will be around much longer.

The cocktail parties have become very formulaic at this point. Olivia steals Ben away first, the women are mad and talk about her behind her back, everyone feels awkward and pissed when she eventually gets a rose anyway and we go to commercial. This time, Olivia already has a rose from some freak accident on the group date and the women are furious. As they are all chatting on the couch, Amanda is telling a story about her kids and their father when Olivia suggests that her life is something out of a Teen Mom episode. Everyone looks at her with disgust. Lauren B. definitely wins for the best facial expressions during this exchange, and it takes Amanda a solid twenty seconds to respond. She was way kinder about it than I would’ve expected, and Olivia immediately bursts into fake ass tears because she’s learning a lot about herself through this process. Um, that you’re a bitch? 

Welcome.

Twin Emily has had enough. She decides to tell Ben that Olivia sucks and that she’s making her uncomfortable. Later, Amanda tells Ben Olivia sucks and she makes her feel targeted. Finally, Ben asks to talk to Olivia before the rose ceremony assumedly to take her rose away and send her home. Nice try, ABC. I don’t buy it for a second. That witch will be around for another week.