Bachelor Colton: Week 6

You know when you’re out at a bar and you see two drunk girls fighting? Despite having no allegiance to either of them, you really can’t help but kick back and enjoy watching them go at it to see who wins. It’s all good fun but when it’s over, you go back to your jack and coke and never think about it again a day in your life.

That’s sort of how I feel about Onyeka and Nicole, only in this situation, there can be no winner because you both are losers (the winner is Chris Harrison who seemingly popped up out of the ocean to console Colton). I’m disappointed that Nicole turned out to be the poor man’s version of JLo in the Wedding Planner, and I’m even more disappointed that Onyeka will probably end up on Bachelor in Paradise.

Cut, print, moving on.

The only thing worse than being forced on a season with Colton would be me getting dragged to Vietnam to fake interest, but that’s where we’re off to because clearly the production team got a good deal on flights. There’s literally no other explanation. Hannah G. finally gets a one-on-one and I’m so ready to stare at her hair see what their chemistry is like because she’s one of the few left I kind of like.

This date is eerily reminiscent of his date with Cassie. There’s little-to-no talking on the date followed by an awkward conversation at dinner (remember when Cassie tried to make not being a virgin a thing?).

COLTON: Tell me about a hard time in your life.

HANNAH G: My mom did donuts in our yard once to piss off my dad.

Who wouldn’t give her a rose for that exhilarating story?

Meanwhile, back at the house, my dreams are coming true as Caelynn is finally showing us her inner Tonya Harding. I had to giggle when she—the pageant queen—threw shade at Hannah G. for relying on her looks all of her life and accused her of lacking depth.

Ma’am.

Continuing with this low-budget season, today’s group date will literally be swinging sticks and beating each other up on a concrete slab. Extreme disappointment that this is the second time this season Caelynn and Hannah B. could have gone at it, but ABC took the high road. However it did leave us with the best quote of the whole season, “I hope her insurance works in Vietnam.”

Demi uses her time with Colton on the group date to call her mom who has recently been released from prison. Was this her way of enticing him to keep her for a hometown? You were better off with the paddle.

You guys, Hannah B. swinging the bamboo sticks around has sent Sydney into a downward spiral. She steals some time to tell Colton that she thinks she can get more from him if he would juuuuust learn her name pay a little more attention to her. Colton sort of nods, and then Sydney goes back to tell Taysia all about it. After counting to ten, she goes back and tells Colton she’s leaving because she can’t possibly continue dating somebody who is still considering somebody in pigtails.

BEWARE OF SHINY OBJECTS.

Kirpa gets the next one-on-one and everyone in America was shocked, including Kirpa. I think she was honestly there for the travel at this point. The date was fine I guess but like my trips to the dentist are also fine. There was no spark. Kirpa is easily ten times smarter and more articulate than Colton, not to mention a decent human being. She gets the rose which, like the time I was a mathlete in high school, made no sense.

Demi has guts, I’ll give her that. She wants to wear a table cloth? She wears one! She wants to look girls square in the face after wildly offending them? Not a problem. She thinks 27 is the qualifying age for medicare? Great! The real tragedy here is that Demi was finally starting to show that she’s got moods other than crazy, but it was too little, too late. Colton sends Demi packing and she did not see that coming, like, at all. She managed to pull it together enough to warn Colton that some of his choices seem safe, and that he may not end up happy in the long run.

Aw, bb. Maybe you can catch a direct flight to Mexico.

The rose ceremony sends Katie packing, but not before she leaves Colton with the third and final ominous warning of the episode: “You have a great group of girls. Some are ready, and some aren’t. Just be smart about those girls.”

 Colton, like the daft noodle he is, can’t seem to wrap his head around this warning because he assumed everybody was talking about Demi.

In what might have been the weirdest ending to this episode, Taysia is seen whispering not-so-quietly to Kirpa telling her that they are going to “take this thing” and that they were going to be the final two. Now let’s be clear; nothing in this show is a mistake. There are hours of footage, so everything and anything they choose to show us is for a reason. They wanted us to see Taysia and Kirpa whispering, and they definitely cut immediately to a shot of Cassie and Caelynn for a purpose. We’ll just have to wait until next week to find out!