Bachelor Colton: Week 7

Isn't it funny how a few weeks can change your perspective on everything? Remember when Catherine was set up to be a villain? Remember when Elyse seemed to be a front runner? Remember when Hannah B. seemed like a total liar? My, my, how the tables have turned.

At the end of last week, I had a lot of questions about, well, most of the women left. Does anybody here actually care about Colton? Who were the three ousted ladies referring to? After seeing Tayshia and Sydney's conversation on the group date (cue swinging bamboo sticks and eating bugs), I was certain they were talking about Hannah and long-hair-Heather. Let's face it; they did give off serious Disney channel vibes. Turns out, they were actually warning about Cassie and Caelynn who are allegedly master manipulators.

More on that later, because the tea is scalding hot and spilling all over social media! But first, let's travel to Denver to meet the one that got away Ben Higgins and a really cute dog. That would be my ideal date on this show, for anybody wondering. Please give him another shot, ABC. Can't be worse than this crap.

Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date, which I felt a little salty about because I'm not sure I like her after last week. All of a sudden, I got the distinct feeling she sucked after she was whispering to Kirpa at the end of the episode. But then again, I don't really like any of them.

COLTON: Today we're going to just spend a typical Saturday in my hometown doing normal, everyday things like eating oysters and drinking wine and walking in and out of stores without paying for a thing.

Let's not think for a second that Taysia getting the first date is a coincidence. They must know how bored America is with Colton (winner winner chicken dinner) so the rest of this season is going to be orchestrated perfectly to give us the drama we've been missing. Colton asks Tayshia if she knows anything, clearly fishing for a name. He was probably banking on her throwing out the name of someone he planned to send home anyway, giving him an out for breaking a heart right before hometown dates. But instead, plot twist, she names Caelynn and Cassie. If you somehow missed it, Colton basically didn't react at all. They go back to an apartment that is most certainly not his and make fish. Uh.

Back at the house, Caelynn and Cassie are scrambling to figure out who knows the truth what was said. We've already seen a glimpse of Caelynn's true colors (flashback to her throwing massive shade about Hannah G. relying on her looks to get her far in life) but so far we haven't seen much from Cassie. Like, not even really seen her period.

But, for the sake of the story, Caelynn gets the second date card because of course she does. How else does this thing shake out? Normally, I'd comment on how pitiful her snowboarding attempts were but we've got bigger fish to fry.

I'm talking a lot about fish in this blog I'm realizing.

COLTON: Taysia told me that you're not ready to be engaged and you're trying to be the Bachelorette.

CAELYNN: These allegations are false, fraudulent and hurtful. Mischievous and deceitful. These are trying times, and we will not let fear win. World peace. I'm Caelynn Miller-Keyes, and I approved this message.

Colton seems completely comfortable accepting this as fact. He SHOULD be more perturbed. He SHOULD ask more questions. But he chooses to believe her,  just like we choose to believe that vacation carbs, weekend carbs and Thanksgiving carbs don't count. We want it to be true, so we choose ignorance and bliss.

Cut to her confessional interview, Caelynn, no longer in her baby voice, is furious and dropping F-bombs left and right including but not limited to, "How the f*** would Taysia know if I'm ready?" and, "I better get a fucking rose or I will call that stupid bitch out," and just a good old helping of "fuck her."

She gets the rose anyway, so let's pause on this drama and shift focus to another of Caelynn's victims who is heading on her one-on-one and probably regretting wearing a crop top. Poor Hannah B. Always being set up for disaster.

This date is painful to watch for a number of reasons, but mostly because the editing is so, so savage. Hannah is in one room trying her darndest to string a sentence together about how she feels while Colton is pretty much telling his dad he only brought her here because it's closer to the airport.

Hannah leaves with grace, destined for greater things in Tulum this summer in life.

Caelynn and Taysia have the much-anticipated confrontation back at the house, but not before Caelynn runs and tells Cassie everything. Ya know, so that their stories match.

Let the record show that just because I don't trust Caelynn, it doesn't mean I think Taysia is a saint. You guys, she gave zero fucks that Caelynn confronted her and looked her dead in the face, unwavering, and pretty much said, "We all voted and you lost." 

The rest of the girls are on the group date now, and Heather doesn't even let the sound crew set up before she peaces out. Maybe a producer encouraged her to do it herself so Colton didn't have to break up with her himself. Maybe she just really wanted to take another ride on that train. Anyway, bye. 

Kirpa uses her one-on-one time with Colton to make sure there is no confusion that Cassie is, in fact, just as evil and calculating as Caelynn and she should be dealt with accordingly. We'll never know what was in her tiny pink notebook, but I can only imagine it was a burn book dedicated to Caelynn and Cassie.

Cassie is v nervous going into her time with Colton on the date, so much so that she brings it up while Heather is riding away on the caboose. Whether or not there's any truth to the Bachelorette talk, Cassie seems to be incredibly concerned with her name being attached to this tidbit of information. Looks like she didn't have anything to worry about, though, because all she had to do was pout a little and Colton kissed her mid-sentence. She can't even get a whole coherent sentence out to defend herself, dude! You deserve whatever is coming to you. 

Now Kirpa and Cassie are arguing on the couch and this two minute segment should tell you all you need to know about Kirpa's maturity vs. Cassie's. AGAIN, Cassie can't even come up with something to maintain her innocence. 

Hannah G. was also there. 

Colton lets Hannah G. go home early so he doesn't have to deal with this bullshit, and the ladies at home are so happy to see her because they hate each other. I guess I can start just calling her Hannah at this point. Anyway, she spills the beans that Kirpa called Cassie out and Caelynn is so afraid that their lies are going to be exposed because she must know Cassie is a shit liar so she runs to crash their date and tell Colton that Cassie should stay. I should be surprised that this works, but I'm just not surprised about anything at this point. 

Did these two sign some sort of agreement before coming on the show? Did they agree to go on Amazing Race and split the profit afterwards? WTF is going on here?