I’ll start by apologizing, as I often do, for the blog being so far behind. Normally, it is because I’ve lost interest in the season or gone on vacation. This time, it is because we unfortunately lost Josh’s father unexpectedly earlier last month. He was so young—53—and showed zero signs of heart disease, but ultimately had severe cardiac blocking and after a massive heart attack passed away on January 13th. It has been a really tough time but we are getting back into the swing of things. I know my readers are primarily close friends and family who already know but for those who didn’t know, that is the latest in the Scarpa/Alleman/Scarpaman household.
So now I have caught up on
the Bachelor and am ready to talk about the craziness of the last few
weeks. Reading this after-the-fact might help you remember some of the
shenanigans, which is always fun. Let’s start with the pirate boxing date,
which in my opinion would have made a much better date for, like, week 6 when
these ladies really hate one another.
There was a lot of
confusion surrounding this date for me. Just to be clear, the challenge was to
be the best pirate, and the two women who were the best pirate would get to
participate in an all-out battle to save Colton and his extreme v-neck from the
plank. Although Hannah B. beat everyone at the tightrope joust, Tracy must’ve
had some pirate skills not suitable for tv because I literally didn’t know she
was on this date until she won. She battles Caelynn on the tightrope joust and
wins, but somehow Caelynn is the one to sprint up the pole and free Colton. And
then…
THE MOST AWKWARD FIRST KISS
IN BACHELOR HISTORY.
Now we’re having the after
party and Tracy literally can’t deal, you guys. I get that Demi called you a
dinosaur, but that was a bit of an overreaction, even for someone going through
menopause. She is a ticking time bomb and I am here for it. Demi seems to have
that effect on people because she interrupts Courtney who silently exits and
then goes back to the group to bitch about it. And by bitch I mean whisper
because I literally cannot hear a word the chick says.
Elsewhere,
long-hair-Heather and Hannah B. are discussing just how much Hannah B. hates
Caelynn and Heather, being of sound mind and wanting to eliminate some bitches,
encourages Hannah to self-destruct tell Colton all about it.
This is a savage move, even by Bachelor standards, because we all
know Hannah can’t form a sentence in his presence let alone craft an argument
as to why she’s more wifey material. It doesn’t go well, as it never does on
this show, and now she has made the situation much, much worse.
Caelynn and Colton have the
exact same conversation, only it goes so much better because Caelynn chooses to
throws shade, ever-so-gently, and says, “I want to tell you about my past, but
I didn’t think this was the time or place,” unravelling Hannah B.’s plan with
one sentence. Let’s take bets now…is it going to be the best two-on-one
in Bachelor history? The answer is no, because nothing will ever beat
the time Ben left Olivia on an island flew off in a helicopter, but a girl can
dream.
Elyse has a one-on-one
date. She’s normal, it’s an awesome date, they really like each other. I’m not
wasting time on this because there’s enough footage of future episodes to
suggest she doesn’t last until the end, and she’s just too normal to be the
one. It’s not that I don’t like her, but it’s not interesting.
You know what is
interesting? Women trying to pull a limousine. This date was fun to watch,
mostly because it was fun to watch these women suck so hard. Onyeka wins, which
you know I hated, but she didn’t get the group date rose anyway. At the after
party, Colton talks to the poor man’s Kaitlyn Bristowe and this girl has
literally nothing to say about her life. He asked her very specific questions,
and she couldn’t come up with even her favorite color for God’s sake. Cue the
first
No cocktail party this
week, but instead we get to go to a pool party! Only we don’t because the whole
day is spent on the pageant queen debacle. The other ladies have had enough of
this shit, and even Chris Harrison shows up to see what the hell is going on.
Colton is having a hard time because he likes both of these women. DO
YOU, THO? Because Hannah has done literally nothing to make you like
her. In her confessional, Hannah shares that she and Colton have the strongest
connection. WHAT? Maybe these two are delusional enough to be
a pair.
Someone called Nina goes
home.
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