Bachelor Ben: Week 4

It has become abundantly clear that this season will not be the most dramatic in Bachelor history and we know this because Chris Harrison hasn’t said dramatic once the whole month it has been on. I think we can all agree that this season isn’t spicy and probably is going to become even more dull as Olivia and Jubilee self-combust over the next few weeks and eventually exit, leaving us with several normal, kind, beautiful women. This is all slightly unprecedented as far as this show goes; we usually have a villain who makes it pretty far, a secret or two to be exposed and a front-runner who ends up leaving on her own. It doesn’t look like any of that is going to be happening for us. So, instead of bashing Ben (I still love him. That man is fine), let’s just accept him for his vanilla goodness and talk about the crazies while we still have them.

Chris Harrison and his tiny tiny man jeans come to the house to tell the ladies to pack their bags because they are going to the annulment marriage capital of the world! Shrieking ensues. Olivia earns one point by suggesting that she might use her downtime in Vegas to go see Celine. I’ll go with you. Not even you could ruin that experience for me.

JoJo deservedly gets the first one-on-one and she and Ben head outside to an obvious helicopter pad the rooftop to drink champagne at 10 a.m. Ben tells her he thought they could just have a quick drink and JoJo says she loves that. Do we remember the last time Ben took JoJo to a rooftop? She also loved that he took ten minutes to get to know her. She pretty much loves everything, Ben. You could’ve asked her to join you at your colonoscopy and she would’ve loved that, too.  She’s just really thankful, guys.  

The helicopter arrives and the vultures watching from the window are baffled and envious for about 12 seconds before shuffling off to the mini bar in disgust. JoJo and Ben have a great date doing who knows what because they don’t show us. Later, on a cozy couch with uneaten snacks and some fabulous lanterns from Hobby Lobby, JoJo tells Ben all about her trust issues because of her ex-boyfriend who was talking to other girls behind her back. Note to self: If somebody like JoJo is getting cheated on, give up now. There is no hope for the rest of us peasants. Anyway, Ben gives JoJo the rose and they go back to another roof and watch fireworks. And you know what? She loved it.

The next day the group date card arrives and whichever producer writes the date cards and determines the order in which the roses are given out is out for blood, leaving Olivia for last in all possible scenarios. You could see her brain start to unravel as she almost gets the one-on-one and instead gets added to the group date, leaving Becca as the lucky gal home alone with JoJo today.

But you know what? Olivia decides to make the best of it by slipping on her favorite sleeveless turtleneck and heading out with the rest of the ladies to the talent competition. Ben says he wants to find a woman who doesn’t take herself too seriously and can laugh at herself. He ended up with a chicken, a clown on a pogo stick and a busted showgirl who popped out of a cake. 

He should’ve been more specific.

We can all agree that Olivia’s performance was abysmal, mostly because she wasn’t even pointing her toes while she was kicking. Everyone knows that’s the first rule of a kickline, you amateur! She immediately goes from awkwardly laughing in the crowd to an alleged panic attack backstage. I’m no doctor, but that didn’t really seem like a panic attack to me. That seemed like indigestion at best. Rachel rushes to her aid, seeking her 15 minutes of fame. Kiss of death, Rachel. Do you remember Jami, who tried to help Olivia last week? No, you don’t. Because she’s gone. And so are you. BOOP.

Cut immediately to Lauren B. who is leading the sweetest girl power huddle ever, telling everybody they should be proud of themselves for getting up there and doing that. Can she get any cuter?

It is, Olivia. It sure is. 

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!

At the after party, Caila steals Ben away and decides there’s no time like the present to climb into his lap and make out. Ben isn’t sure about this and tells Caila they should probably wait to get physical. JK! Ben is totally all about it and no words are spoken for the rest of the time they are together. Get it girl.

Olivia wants to tell Ben she’s sorry for being awkward on the date but she should really be sorry for wearing that heinous grey romper. Whoever said grey is the new black is seriously disturbed. Ben tells her not to worry about it and let’s move on. Which Olivia cannot do because she still feels awkward and it’s all about her.

In a strange twist of events, Lauren H. the kindergarten teacher is still on the show and actually kisses Ben and his puppet during some one-on-one time. I think everyone used those four minutes to get up and get a snack, am I right?

This is Lauren B. 

The date rose goes to Lauren B., who sparkles like the shining star she is. 

Becca’s one-on-one date is weird. First of all, how quick are these weddings? They performed at least seven. I know we were all confused by that Asian man who kissed his bride 3 times and went to Google to see if it was some sort of little-known tradition. I didn’t find anything p.s. I also wasn’t sure why Becca was wearing white to somebody else’s wedding. The whole thing was just odd. The night portion was good, though. Becca basically told Ben he was way more interesting than farmer Chris and they made vows to each other for the rest of their days. Which is about 28 if I’ve calculated correctly. They are altogether very mundane, but it wouldn't be the first time we saw two robots fall in love. 

At the cocktail party, my girl Jennifer stole Ben away before the Jaws of Life could claim him. It was really sweet because she immediately told him how nervous she was and how she had been planning it all day. The whole exchange was giving me the feels until OLIVIA had to come and steal him away. Let me be clear in the event that this hasn’t been obvious so far. Olivia is, above all things, selfish. She is concerned only with making herself feel better at all times. She felt uncomfortable about what she did at the talent show and wants to go back to feeling like number one. She is clearly not listening to a word Ben says because he has reassured her countless times that it’s over and let’s move on. If she actually was listening to him, she would’ve taken his warning at the group date seriously and talked about something—anything—else to get the conversation flowing. Instead, she and her disco dress complained and apologized not once but twice while interrupting everyone she could.

I CAN’T WITH HER.

She heads back to the group and JoJo immediately calls her over.

JoJo: How did it go?

Olivia: It went really well. I told him I was falling for him. And he said he loves me, too.

JoJo: He did?

Olivia: Well, not exactly. He blinked twice, quickly. That’s sort of the same thing.

Meanwhile, Caila takes Ben for a little walk and stops for a quick and forceful makeout on the way. Mama is thirsty this episode.

Jubilee is still whining about being different and I’m probably more over her than I am with Olivia. Ben is reassuring her, as usual, that she is kind, she is smart, she is important. But you can see the constant need to reassure the needy ones is getting to him. I don’t see it lasting much longer before he breaks.

Also, you’re not complicated. You’re a brat. There’s a difference.

The rose ceremony results come as a shock to no one because Rachel (who?) and Amber both shot themselves in the foot by fraternizing with the villain too early. Have you watched this show? You can’t confront the villain until final four. God, Karen, you’re so stupid!

 Oh wait, I straight up forgot the part with the twins. Whatever, it was awkward and obviously a ploy by ABC to not have to pay for Haley’s flight home from whatever city they go to next. Emily will be around for another week or two and maybe we will learn something about her besides the fact that she only eats pizza bagels. Did anybody else hear her say that last week?

xoxo