Bachelorette JoJo Premiere

This is Niku, and he is really excited for this season.

Awwww yeah party people. The Bachelorette is back and thank goodness. This has been the longest eight weeks of my life as we patiently waited to see what crop of nutjobs ABC could dig up for this season. That and what kind of physical modifications ABC would make to JoJo in order to deem her Bachelorette-ready (see also: eyelash extensions).

But before we get into the limo experience, I have to thank ABC for not belaboring the point that JoJo’s heartbreak was one of the worst we’ve ever seen. I can’t remember a time in recent memory when I’ve loved a contestant so much and felt so incredibly sad for someone I only know through instragram. I’m glad they only showed a few of the necessary clips from last season. They could’ve made that staring-longingly-into-a-fountain sequence way worse, so thank you, ABC, for not ruining my night. 

And thank you, JoJo, for that denim-on-denim ensemble. Anyway, off we go!

JoJo shows up to the mansion to find former bachelorettes Des, Kaitlyn and Ali waiting for her to give some advice. Not that I didn’t enjoy seeing Ali’s baby bump, but she’s no longer with the man she chose from her season and is in fact pregnant by another dude, so I’m not sure exactly why she was invited. Besides to give this excellent tidbit of advice:

Ali: The best advice I can give to you is find out who you like week one and ignore them for a while. Guys love that shit.

No, but really. These three are hilarious examples of what to do on your season. Kaitlyn had her little sexcapade in

Dublin and Des pretty much was about to pick Brooks before he left on his own and married Chris instead. Ali gave up Cape Cod Chris which I am still bitter about six years later. Where is Catherine Lowe?!

We then get a glimpse of a few of our new contestants, including Alex the marine (hey boy), Christian the gym rat slash telecom consultant with a heartfelt story, Ali a.k.a. real-life Aladdin running through town with his tiny tiny Maltese and of course sexy famous-by-association Jordan. As you were watching, if you didn’t think that James the Bachelor superfan was a perfect match for me, you really need to reevaluate our friendship. And yes, the erectile dysfunction specialist did just refer to his job as “hard” and “draining” in the same sentence. THIS IS A FAMILY PROGRAM.

These limo exits weren’t as theatrical as in previous seasons, but that didn’t stop a few of them from having the actual worst pickup lines in history.

“I’m not going to do what Ben did to you last season. I’m not going to fall in love with two women.” Well yeah, dude, there’s only one of her. And yes, by all means, let’s bring up her devastating breakup from exactly ten minutes ago.

“Any time you get nervous tonight, you can squeeze my balls.” Um, you’ve had several weeks to come up with a line and this is what you chose?

And my personal favorite, “I’m not wearing any panties.” First of all, you said panties. And second of all, forward. I like it.

And then there was the guy with the toast who completely threw me off because all I could wonder was how long ago he had access to a toaster oven.

By the time all 25 guys make their way inside, there’s only a few who seem promising to me. There’s a lot of “meh” in this bunch, but that could change as the weeks progress. With nothing else to do, the men immediately start sizing each other up, taking their clothes off, and bullying Santa. What is wrong with you people?! It’s SANTA.  

Daniel the Canadian is the worst thing to come out of that country since Justin Bieber and uses his ten minutes with JoJo to ineffectively explain the “Damn Daniel” viral video that JoJo clearly hasn’t seen because she legit was just on the Bachelor in seclusion for three months. I’m not sure if that was more or less awkward than that forced kiss with Will. Who are we kidding? The most awkward part was the two guys who bust into her interview.

We see Ali play the piano for her because, really, what talents does he have to show right now while his magic carpet is in the shop? JoJo loves it of course. Baby Wells and his quartet are cute and funny and also completely irrelevant because there’s no way in hell you’re making it to hometowns. Derek has a sweet, unsure-of-himself vibe that seems to be going around. “I’m more of a nerd,” he tells JoJo as they’re sitting outside on the mansion stoop. She asks him, “Oh, so you’re like, really smart?” Awwwwwkward. Now he has to tell you that he’s only moderately intelligent and was just more of a shy kid.

Robby and Luke are two that I’m unsure about at the current moment. I can’t tell if either of them are cute. Right now I’m leaning towards no. The riding in on a unicorn was a nice touch, Luke, especially how you trained that horse to turn around and leave on its own. And Robby drank wine out of the bottle so. He’s okay in my book until later this season when his not-so-ex girlfriend probably busts in on a group date.

And then there’s Chad.

JoJo: So tell me about yourself. Why are you here, what are you looking for?

Chad: I’m here because I’m ready. I’m financially responsible. I have a 720 fico score so….

WE ALREADY KNOW

Chad is a jerk.  He’s a villain, a bad boy, whatever you want to call him. We already know from the previews that JoJo is into that kind of possible-serial-killer vibe and Chad sticks around long enough to fight with virtually everyone including a door and gets a talking to by Chris Harrison. If ABC is already showing us so much of that storyline, though, there has to be something else brewing. Time will tell. Oh, and he totally didn’t make that guy bleed. Clever editing. Just wait for it.

We also already know that Alex the Marine is short and will get made fun of for it excessively this season. He also can be seen in the season previews wearing a French beret riding a horse or an elephant with JoJo. I couldn’t really tell because I was too busy swooning over sexy Jordan. They set that whole “I should’ve kissed her” sequence with sexy Jordan up perfectly. And yes, until further notice we will be referring to him exclusively as sexy Jordan. She was feelin’ him and we all knew it. He went in for that kiss and all.of.America.felt.it.too.

Whatta man whatta man whatta man what a mighty good man (yes he is).

Okay, so JoJo makes her cuts and nobody left that we were sad about. So now it’s time to make a completely uninformed final 5 guess. Ready? Okay.

1.       Sexy Jordan – Not claiming him as the winner at the moment, but there’s an obvious connection and he’s in a ton of the previews. He could turn out to be a huge, whiny, pain in the ass. Only time will tell.

2.       Marine Alex is adorable and already screams Bachelor to me. He just has that All-American look that I dig, and so does she.

3.       Luke- He’s from Texas, and I think she’s into that. His facial expressions are confusing, though.

4.       Christian—She’s going to fall for his compassion. And his abs. If ABC is thinking about going in a new direction next season, HE could totally be the first non-white bach.

5.       Ali—I don’t think he’s in the top 3, but he’s the only one that I haven’t mentioned that I think she will connect with.

DARK HORSES

Chase and Nick B. Just getting a vibe.

p.s. Jake Pavelka stopped by.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda