Bachelor Ben: Week 3

More hot tubs, please!

This episode opens on Amanda and Lauren chatting about how awful Olivia is. ABC is wasting no time with this villainous plotline, especially since they really don’t have anything else to go on. This is the first of many chats about the good dinosaur this evening, so let’s keep it movin’.  

Lauren B. gets the first date card and Olivia is pretty confused because Ben brushed her leg earlier and she though it meant they were getting engaged. Nonetheless, she is fake-excited for Lauren B. and will probably put a stink bomb under Lauren’s bed while she is out on the date and then make this face:  

The plane date is sort of cute but maybe would’ve been cuter for somebody who doesn’t, yanno,  work on a plane. Call me crazy but if Ben took me on a date to a college fair I would be pretty pissed.

Ben: "What does life look like to you? Like what does an average day look like?”

Lauren B: “What do you mean?
 

That one wasn’t meant to stump you, Lauren. I guess we should start small. Let’s spend some time talking about your dad’s garden instead. And let us not forget the time Lauren blurted out that she wanted to meet Ben’s family on their second date. He is unfazed by this, which either makes him crazy or awesome. Did you ever see the 1996 film Fear starring a young Reese Witherspoon and Mark Wahlberg? He asks to meet her family on their second date. He later broke into her home and tried to murder her family. So.

P.S. If you haven’t seen that movie, what is your life?

Meanwhile at the mansion, Caila is having all the feels as she realizes, just now, that Ben is going on dates with other people. JoJo nods sympathetically, but really is searching for the nearest exit.

Now it’s time for the soccer date, the one date—besides the Broadway one—that I would want to be on! Would I be disqualified if I just punted the ball directly at Olivia’s head? Better not, for fear she would swallow it whole and then get to go to the hospital with Ben.

 This is the most deplorable example of athleticism I have ever experienced and I’m offended FOR the U.S. team members who had to endure that atrocity. They’re all huddled around the ball like toddlers hacking away at each other’s shins. Twin A is killing it as the goalie while Lace struggles across the field. 

Leah: Nobody told Lace she could use her hands. 

Rachel: One time, she asked me how to spell orange. 

Eventually, Olivia’s team wins and they head to a hotel where they sit around and discuss Olivia’s toes. Jami (who wants her 15 minutes, damnit!) makes a beeline for Olivia to tell her what the others were saying. Cameras rolling, she pretends to be politely offended by this but I know she definitely switched out Amber’s relaxer for bleach when they got home.

Olivia: People find me intimidating. Idk why?

Ben: I believe the term they used was raging bitch, but don’t quote me.

Amber gets the rose and nobody is more surprised than Amber. Except maybe America.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee is crying to JoJo, telling her how hard she has it.  

Jubilee: I'm so much more complicated than everybody else here. This is a weave! I can’t just get in a pool like you.

Jubilee’s date was refreshingly honest and genuine. I know America is rooting for her, just not this American. Let’s get one thing straight; I understand that she’s had a tough road and that some of her issues are deeply rooted in guilt and insecurity. I get that. However, I can’t condone getting up and removing yourself from the group—very intentionally—and then turning around and saying it’s because you’re awkward. It’s painfully obvious you haven’t made one tiny effort, so, no, I’m not going to feel sorry for you. You’re a miserable wet rag until you get your way. That has nothing to do with adoption. Plus, I strongly believe that if you are intelligent enough to vocalize your issues, you can also be held accountable for your actions.

Cocktail party! All of their faces are different colors from their bodies. Tell me any one of them isn't spray tanned. Tell me!

Ben tells us two family friends passed away in a plane crash and he is feeling kind of bummed about it. Naturally, Olivia talking about her cankles to cheer him up.

Amber decides to confront Jubilee about her holier-than-thou attitude in front of Ben, which is certainly the kiss of death on this show. If you didn’t have that rose, you would be gone gone gone this week.

In the end, Shushanna and Jami go home because who cares.

In the preview for next week, Olivia has a panic attack just like badlands Kelsey. I seriously hope it goes over similarly.

The two-on-one date should be coming soon. Are you there, God? It’s me, Amanda. Please put the twins on the two-on-one. Pretty please.

Side bar- does anybody besides me and Kris Jenner watch Bachelor Live? I kind of got the vibe from Chris Soules that he’s not really feelin’ Becca these days and that he shared that sentiment with Ben. Anybody else pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

Until next time…