Bachelor Colton: Week 2

We’re back for week two and if this morning selfie video of Colton is any indication of the quality of this season, I’m already regretting my decision to agree to this. But, if I make a commitment, I’m going to stick to it. Unless it’s a commitment to Planet Fitness.

So now it’s time for our first group date and as usual, the theme is discomfort. I expect to see D-list country singers on this show but when I see talented, funny actors I have to question how widely-cast the net of this show really is in this country.

The ladies are told they have to get up and tell stories about milestone firsts in their lives. The directions couldn’t have been more clear: use this opportunity teach Colton something about yourself. And what did they do? They told stories ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

Onyeka: ...and that’s the story of the first time I wore a snorkel mask and blew a whistle on national tv.

Colton: I know. I was there.

Elyse wins, and not just because she’s my age and has the red hair I always wished God gave me, but because she had a plan and she executed it. It was funny, it was relatable, and it did not make me writhe in pain. So what if she still hasn’t learned that you only curl your hair away from your face. She’ll get there. Aside from maybe Bri and Hannah, everyone else made my eye muscles hurt from rolling. And then there was Demi.

Oh, sweet young Demi. Never have I seen someone destined for Bachelor in Paradise so hard. Also, I have had about enough of the grandma doily dresses. I think she will go as far as hometowns, but will be majorly disappointed if she makes it to fantasy suites. The line between cockiness and confidence has been severely interrupted and I definitely see girls self-destructing in the coming weeks over this little tart. Obvi Toni Collette Tracy will be the first to detonate.

Alabama Hannah gets the one-on-one and this was…this was something. You knew from the season previews that she wasn’t going anywhere, which almost made it more interesting to watch. Like, after this barnyard explosion of an attempted toast, what could she possibly do to redeem herself? Nothing. The answer is nothing, because I thought dinner was as equally painful as the horseback riding through Arizona-ish. I think because she just nodded and agreed with everything that Colton said, he just remembered that the producers needed her drama with Caelynn decided to give her a chance.

This summer camp date was really unfair because obviously the yellow team (minus Sydney who I am really regretting not putting in my top five like I said I would, people!) was the island of misfit toys and the red team demolished them without even trying. It was kind of close after that canoe race but never fear, laryngitis Alex put the whole rope in her giant mouth and won the tug-of-war for the red team. Huzzah!

Then Colton actually sent the losers home which solidifies that he didn’t really know the names of any of them.

The cocktail party is messy for week two. We’ve got women in robes giving massages in closets, we’ve got pots and pans and airhorns, and we’ve got people admitting they don’t want children. The whole thing is just a freakin’ mess. I need to schedule a housewarming so people can bring me a year’s supply of wine to get through the rest of this chaos.

He sends home four ladies, including my beloved Annie, and now I have my sights set on Cassie and Hannah G.

Where is Lucy?