Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 6

Another episode, another villain, another cliffhanger ending. Why, ABC, why?!

After last week’s abrupt ending, alongside all of the Nick controversy, I expected the opening sequence of this episode to go very differently. I was hoping for some screaming and man brawling but, alas, there was none. Nick was always very sure of himself on Andi’s season, and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is about him that is so off-putting, but something in me just doesn’t like the guy. That being said, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, I thought the guys were a bit harsh.

TBH, nobody cares if you guys like him. You don’t need to like him and you don’t need to become his BFF (unless you’re JJ because let’s get real, nobody likes you, either. It would probably be in your best interest to make a friend). If you were smart, you would’ve taken a page out of the Bens’ books and played the strong silent card. Instead, they were nitpicky at best and unsuccessful in making him look bad. In fact, it was Tanner and Joshua who came out looking like fools. And the more they tried throughout the episode, the deeper into their graves they fell.

Tanner: I saw you hung out with Andi on Twitter.

Nick: I see that you’re drinking beer out of a wine glass.

The part of this whole Nick drama that I don’t quite understand is the part where it isn’t a race or a game that you win. If she’s meant to be with you, she’s going to pick YOU regardless of who else is around. That was the point that Nick was trying to make in saying that he was glad that Josh Murray was on Andi’s season. They obviously weren’t destined. Just like Justin, despite everyone’s constant attempts, is not destined to have a reasonable haircut.

The rose ceremony takes place at Citifield in an apparent polar vortex as everyone shivers and shakes while Kaitlyn sends Jonathan, Ryan and Corey home and keeps Nick in play. Did you notice how ABC intentionally left out music at this part? You could hear the sighs loud and clear. People. Are. PISSED.

Off to Texas we go.

Ben H. gets the one-on-one and it couldn’t be any cuter. He’s masculine without being too overbearing and feminine enough without being Ryan B. She’s obviously into the manly men, but I think she likes the softer side of Ben H. And if she doesn’t, he can come right to Macungie. I’m sure Jade would be okay with a third roommate.

Who else wants to turn up with Betty Jo? That woman has the cutest voice and she moves well for being 140 years old. I thought they did a good job with the dancing, and their dinner conversation felt very honest without being too forced. I can tell she really likes Ben H. because:

Counselor talk: There are certain men on this season who, when she speaks to them one-on-one, she takes a back seat and lets them be in control. Ben H. is one, Ben Z. is one and Shawn is another. I interpret this as her genuinely being into them. She’s too giddy and nervous inside to be super chatty and does more listening than talking. She also doesn’t get offended when they say things that might not be viewed as the “ideal” or “PC” answer. See also: when Shawn told her he wished she was “smarter” about Nick. If JJ had said that, it would be game over.

Anyway, my point is, all of these guys are super hot good contenders for the Bachelor. Saying it now, people.

The group date is weird and that is putting it mildly. Ian has a breakdown because he doesn’t perform well (again), Jared’s facial hair has reached an all-time low, and Justin definitely did the Kylie Jenner lip challenge before this date. Seriously…he looks like Mrs. Potato Head.

Nick steals the show by serenading Kaitlyn atop a balcony and nobody can say anything because they are all pissed they didn’t think of it. Joshua’s face is slowly getting redder and redder and may just explode all over the sidewalk. The innocent bystanders audience does not seem impressed at all by this travesty and the crowd slowly thins out over the course of the episode. Thank god it’s over. My ears are bleeding.

P.S. Did Tanner even go?

As if that wasn’t horrifying enough, the after party to this date is potentially worse. The only real thing that happens is that Joshua decides he will sacrifice himself to the gods and tell Kaitlyn that Nick is full of shit and everybody hates him. Kaitlyn likes to stir the pot, we know this, but it seems like every single week she is calling somebody out in public. Everybody was in agreement about Ryan and Kupah and Clint, but this time they are too afraid to agree with Joshua and leave him out to dry in a mayjah way. Talk about a plan backfiring. Nick gets the group rose. I’m sorry, what?

Oh, and Joshua’s new hairdo courtesy of Kaitlyn is so Britney circa 2007. Goes perfectly with his meltdown.

Shawn’s one-on-one is great. He starts off by standing up for Joshua, which I thought was a really boss move. He obviously wasn’t on the group date so he didn’t get a chance to stand up for him then, so I think this was the next best thing. Now, I don’t think Joshua is long for this world, but I think he scored major brownie points with Kaitlyn by doing so. Bonus points for basically telling her that Nick is a huge weenie.

After they kayak through some weird river, they sit down to have a heart-to-heart about how Shawn almost died once.

Shawn: The car flipped, like, 74 times and I army-crawled back up the road where the forest animals helped me back to civilization….

Kaitlyn: I’m undressing you with my eyes.

Shawn says he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn surprisingly reciprocates, and the makeout ensues.

At the cocktail party, Jared tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her but nobody cares because a series of Ian’s interviews from the season are being spliced together to make him look like the ultimate douche.  Don’t get me wrong, he said all those things and deserves the twitter massacre that is coming his way, but it was pretty obvious that ABC was working their magic.

Eventually, the most eligible bachelor in the country and in the world decides he needs to tell Kaitlyn just how self-absorbed she really is and sits down with her to lay it all out there. After all, he’s an ivy-league graduate athlete who cheated death, guys. He loves his story. He’s the new Kelsey.

Ian: I can’t live in these conditions. All these guys do is talk about farting and pooping.

Kaitlyn: Ha. Poop.

This is Ian

The episode shockingly ends without a cocktail party and we are made to believe that next week we will finally find out who Kaitlyn slept with on that notorious date. I can hardly contain myself.  

Game of Thrones Finale Blog

Welcome to a special edition of the blog dedicated to the emotional rollercoaster that was the Game of Thrones finale last night. I usually only post Bachelorette recaps on Tuesdays, but after I suffered all the feels yesterday,  It had to be done. Plus, my normal GOT text pals were either at a wedding or on a different continent last night, so I was all alone in my pool of sorrow and just need support, okay?

If there’s one thing you should do today, it is buy stock in Zoloft because America.is.depressed.

While so many of our loose ends got tied up last night (and I did find myself cheering aloud much of the time), I can’t help but feel that a small piece of me has died. The reason for my existence constant attention to the show is dead? Say it aint so. Who will I pine for now? It’s slim pickins these days. Daario? The Night’s King?

But more on that later.

Let’s start at the beginning where global warming hits Stannis’ camp and Melisandre is all, “Told ya so. Let’s go blow shit up.” Stannis’ wife—who, until last episode definitely won the award for worst parent—killed herself while half of Stannis’ troops ran away because toasting his kid like a marshmallow didn’t really leave a good taste in their mouths.

Lady Melisandre: Oops, I guess my 8-ball was off, sorry. Off to Castle Black, ttyl.

There’s a reason pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and Stannis marches on to his impending death Winterfell anyway where Sansa is playing frogger across the courtyard trying to get to the broken tower. It took her five seasons but by golly she’s gonna do something for herself for once. Unfortunately, by the time she gets to the top of the tower and lights the candle, Brienne and Pod see Stannis’ busted army coming down the hill and rush off to intercept him.

Sansa almost makes it back to her room without being spotted, but of course hell hath no fury like a kennlemaster’s daughter scorned, and Myranda is waiting for Sansy when she returns. She’s saying something about Ramsay only needing parts of Sansa to make babies or something equally weird when Theon finally does something of value and launches her over the balcony. Realizing the gravity of the situation (hehe get it?), the two decide that the most logical decision is to jump hand-in-hand from the roof into the snowy abyss.

Oh, and Brienne totally kills Stannis in a devastatingly anti-climactic way. I guess if I killed my child, my wife committed suicide and my mistress left me to go to a castle of dudes, I probably wouldn’t put up much of a fight, either.

Across the pond, Jaime, Myrcella and Trystane, who we never see this episode even though he’s allegedly on the boat, are making their way back to King’s Landing. Ellaria and her sand snakes see them off at the dock, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t really bat an eye at the uncomfortably-long kiss she shared with Myrcella (what with all the nudity and incest that goes on in this show regularly. I feel like I’m numb to weird at this point).  Anyway, Jaime is having a Maury session with Myrcella but she’s hip to it already.

Jaime: When two people love each other…

Myrcella: I, like, totally know. Blonde is a recessive gene…

They exchange their first and only hug as father and daughter before her brain totally blows up inside her head and starts leaking out everywhere. Cut immediately to Ellaria giving zero fucks back on the dock and wiping off her poison lipstick.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

Anybody else a little bored of Arya’s plot this season? The many-faced god needs to spice it up a bit. And while I appreciated her checking Ser Meryn off of her list (finally), I was really looking forward to her killing that man with her clams in a ghastly way.  That’s really all I have to say about that.

Oh, Arya is blind now, I guess.

Meanwhile, nobody can find Daenerys or her lazy dragon so Daario and Jorah set off to look for them. Tyrion tries to join them and they’re all like, “No, sorry dude. Only if you’re in love with her.” He and Grey Worm stay behind to run the city which is, for all intents and purposes, in lockdown mode after the fighting pits debacle last week.

Daenerys finds herself on the side of a mountain somewhere and nobody to help. Out of nowhere, a swarm of Dothraki, like seriously, the most horses I’ve ever seen, are swirling around her and suddenly being alone is looking pretty good. Not sure if they will know who she is, want to help, or be big pains in the ass. The jury is still out on this one.

Now, I know I can’t be the only one who watched the Cersei scene and didn’t instantly think of Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. If you’ve seen Les Mis, you know what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t, remove me from your Facebook friends immediately.

Cersei says she wants to be clean, confesses to one one-hundredth of her crimes, and is made to shave off her hair and parade nakedly through the streets of King’s Landing. The finest folk of King’s Landing have turned up for this event, and everybody throws stuff at her and waves their junk in her face as she passes. Meanwhile, the nun behind her, who has exactly two lines all season, manages to get hit by nothing. She makes it back to the Red Keep just in time to meet the new Frankenstein who has pledged a vow of silence until all of Cersei’s enemies are dead. Yeah, because the Mountain had so many lines before.

That little shit Olly better sleep with one eye open. That’s all I’m sayin’. I was extremely upset when they stabbed Jon repeatedly, but I also missed part of it because I forced my mom to watch with me and she was saying, “Oh no, isn’t that your man?” as it happened. I went upstairs and re-watched the episode before bed just so I could get the whole effect. At first, I was overcome with sadness. Then went right into pure hatred for the writers and vowed never to watch the show again. This lasted all of 5 minutes.

As I thought about it more, there are so many reasons why Jon just CAN’T be dead. #1, he’s the only compelling part of the storyline at the Wall. #2. We still don’t know the truth about his parentage (because I know y’all don’t buy the story they’re feeding us). #3. His neck was exposed for, like, a good 6 seconds where Olly could’ve slit his throat and didn’t. This may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but think about all of the major character deaths in GOT. Ned…beheaded. Catelyn…throat slit. Robb…stabbed in the heart. Tywin…arrow through the heart. If they wanted us to know for certain that Jon is dead and definitely not coming back, they could’ve made that more abundantly clear. Since they didn’t, I think we can at least pray for a weird Melisandre séance in season 6.

Thanks for stopping by!

Bachelorette Week 5

Hello beautiful people!  What a night we just had, right? I’ll get into all the crazy details momentarily, but for now I need to take a moment to give my gal pal and my blog’s #1 fan Alyssa a birthday shout out. How appropriate that I should be writing this ridiculous recap on the day of your birth. Cheers to you, sassy.

Back to your regularly-scheduled complaining blog.

My resting bitch face was at an all-time high as I watched last night’s episode. Partner that with my sporadic outcries of fashion suicide and pure disgust for Nick Viall, and I think it’s safe to say that my two bach guests will think twice before returning next week. I swear, guys, it won’t happen again.

But seriously, there is so much drama and not enough hot tub makeout sessions love on this season. There have been more villains than good guys and nowhere near enough Chris Harrison to satisfy America. Plus, where are my concerts? I WANT MY D-LIST CONCERTS!

We’ve also totally lost our plot arc in this season and the lit freak in me is cringing inside each week when the untimely credits roll. Normally, we have some secrets and a few antagonists who come and go, but everything gets resolved in a timely manner so that I can move on with my Tuesday. This season, literally nothing has been resolved and my heart just can’t take it. When will the madness end?

With all that in mind, I’m actually really digging the vibe of this season. You can’t expect what is going to come next, unlike virtually every other season in the franchise’s history. You can’t really say if there’s a frontrunner because nobody is actually running anywhere. Instead, they’re getting thrown out an hour before the rose ceremony because mama didn’t raise no fool and Kaitlyn is not all about the haterz. Point of information: if you are not utterly obsessed with Kaitlyn and only Kaitlyn, if you try to oust the network for its lack of diversity or if you’d rather be at the zoo, you will be in the next minivan home.

So we start out where we left off which is—spoiler alert—the same way we’ve started all five episodes thus far which is in the shiny driveway where Kaitlyn is uncomfortable and somebody is in trouble. This time, it’s Clint who feels the wrath of Kaitlyn, and borrows the same shovel Kupah used on his way out last week to dig a massive hole for both him and JJ to crawl into together.

But wait, the plot thickens!

Undercarriage of bus? Meet Clint. Sensing his impending demise, JJ takes it upon himself to throw Clint to the wolves in hopes of saving face with Kaitlyn. Clint manages to hold off his fury until Kaitlyn leaves, but he makes it pretty clear that JJ is not welcome in his shower any longer.

So long, farewell.

Kaitlyn goes out to talk to Chris Harrison to discuss her options.

Kaitlyn: I don’t think I want to have a rose ceremony tonight.

Chris Harrison: But, like,  I haven’t gotten to say “this the final rose” in 3 weeks. This is some bullshit.

Everybody moves on. The first group date is a rap battle because nobody has been embarrassed enough so far. These guys came up with some pretty impressive bars including rhyming ‘Florida’ with ‘bored of ya’ and 1, 2, 3—8. And let’s not forget the time JJ called an entire audience of New Yorkers hoes.

The fact that this turd is still alive boggles the mind.

I think Shawn and Justin had the best battle, and I’m not just saying that because Shawn showed his abs. Okay, maybe I am.

Nick Viall and Ashley I. are in the audience, which means this was a totally credible performance. Kaitlyn meets Nick for the first time and reveals to the cameras that they have never met in person but have chatted via “social media” before. See also: sexting.

Nick is just as offensive as he was on Andi’s season, and seems to have the same effect on Kaitlyn as he did on Andi initially. The dude can kiss his way out of any scenario, and he and his beady eyes completely threw Kaitlyn for a loop. She says she needs some time to think about whether or not he can join the competition and he understands this. Luckily, the guys are not so quick to forgive Nick for his misstep on the Men Tell All a few seasons ago, and Shawn tells it like it is when Kaitlyn seemingly asks for their approval. Also, did anybody else notice Shawn wearing skin-tight grey joggers last night? Justin tells Kaitlyn it’s totes cool if another dude comes in because he’s probably going home anyway he’s confident in their connection and Kaitlyn awards him with the group rose, which nobody else seemed to want anyway.

For those of you who weren’t at my house last night, moments before the Broadway date I uttered these fatal words: “Since they’re in NY, whichever guy on this episode says they love musicals is my pick.” Soon thereafter, I had to sprint to the kitchen to spit out my sangria when JJ declared his love of showtunes.

This date was right up my alley. I was impressed that most of them could find the key for A Whole New World (sorry, Joe) and that nobody was a bad sport about it. However, after all that, all they did was cross downstage right?! I mean, come on, people! At least let’s get a little kick-ball-change or something goin’.

Cupcake was way into it and I was way into Ben H. and his flannel.

After much deliberation, Kaitlyn decides to let Nick in on the fun, and delivers the news in person to the guys, who all shoot laser beam death stares at her. He doesn't even go here. She feels uncomfortable, as she should in her short-sleeve wool sweater, and exits the premise. The last thing we see is Nick entering the hotel room. Yikes. 

Next week, by the looks of it, Shawn gets his first one-on-one, Ian tells Kaitlyn she sucks, and Chris Harrison adds a clause in his contract about getting at least 5 minutes of airtime each episode. 

Until next time....

xoxo 

Amanda

Bachelorette Episode 4

Okay, but actually what is going on this season of the Bachelorette?

It seems that we spend an equal amount of time oohing and ahhhing as we do wincing out of pure awkwardness these days. Last night was fraught with homosexuality, temper tantrums and public indecency. What is happening to this family program? Whatever happened to scaling down buildings or jumping off yachts?

We begin with Kaitlyn giving absolutely zero fucks and storming out of the mansion to talk to Kupah and his dragging suspenders.

Kaitlyn: “What have I told you about using your inside voice?! “

Kupah is still begging to stay, which makes absolutely zero sense because he didn’t even vote for Kaitlyn AND she’s asked you to leave twice now. Eventually, the uber arrives and Kupah is gone with the wind. No exit interview in the van at all. Probably on his way to Laila Ali’s house, actually.

Meanwhile, back inside, the rose ceremony begins with Kaitlyn telling everybody basically to 

remember whose face is on the billboard and shape up or ship out. In not so many words. Daniel the fashion designer and Cory without an E are sent packing. This decision rattles exactly zero people.

If giant men in napkin thongs don’t scream love, then I don’t know what does. The first group date is quite the experience for all involved, including those poor children on the sidelines who can never unsee what happened there that day. The least offensive thing that happened all afternoon was that gargantuan doing a split, and that is saying something. The reader’s digest version of the date is that JJ’s tattoo is as stupid and inconsequential as he is, Clint is a huge douche and the two of them might just be perfect for each other.

Shawn is hanging low, but I see you. We haven’t forgotten, and neither has she.

The one-on-one is chosen by my main man Chris Harrison, and Kaitlyn and the less important Ben head to a damp basement filled with maggots and pigeons and snakes, oh my! Kaitlyn is almost taken out by a pigeon in the beginning but good thing big hunky Ben is there to remind her it’s just a fucking pigeon. They are given 45 minutes to figure out how to get out of the basement via solving riddles ending in a code to be entered into a computer. And none of you asshats thought to try roses? Seriously.

Kaitlyn in the basement

Their one-on-one time is sweet and meaningful and entirely boring in my opinion. He’s not really quirky or exciting aside from his backstory, which is really his only story at this point. His answers seem well-timed and seemingly rehearsed, which is the complete adverse to Kaitlyn. I just don’t get the butterflies with this one.

Oh, wait. I completely forgot about Tony until just now.

Multiple personalities Tony can’t seem to let go of his inner healer, although he keeps threatening to destroy people in the sumo match and then yells for an entire day about how he loves rainbows. This man is complex. He has the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy, guys. He just couldn’t continue to be a part of this circus anymore (you’re the one who wanted to go to the zoo, dude). Anyway, Tony and his stoner hoodie meet Kaitlyn at the hotel to tell her he’s leaving and Kaitlyn tentatively hugs him for fear he might shank her.

Side bar, did anyone else hear Kupah say to the producer, “Three days and I’m going home? I didn’t come here for this!” Thank you, Kupah, for shedding light on the fact that these people have been here less than a full calendar week and are already bach shit crazy.

Onto the final group date.

Kaitlyn and a crowd of child actors team up to bring to light the fact that America is doing a shitty job of those 5^th grade body talks at school. These men had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, except for the dreamboat that is Ben H. My 45-year-old health teacher gave me the chat at school. All I’m saying is that if Ben H. was my teacher, things might’ve gone a little differently.

That man is fine.

The entire experience was hilarious, especially the part where Kaitlyn didn’t let them in on the joke. Tanner and Jared got very little airtime, probably because they were god awful and Jared’s cheekbones were likely frightening the children. My #2 main squeeze, Joshua, tried his darndest, but lord does that man need some guidance. Ryan—I know, I didn’t know who he was either—was pretty darn funny but also completely unhelpful. Then, like the beacon of light that he is, Ben H. got up and showed everybody how it is done.

Ben H. got the group rose, and that’s all that really matters from the after party.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Clint and JJ are both really into themselves and really into each other. Both men like to think they are smarter than every other guy in the house, and also share in the fact that neither of them is correct as displayed through the intense turtle conversation in the hot tub.

Let that last statement sink in.

We’ve seen guys latch onto each other in previous seasons, but never quite in this fashion. What’s more is that the men of the house are not following traditional Bachelor villain rules. The rules clearly state that:

   There is one main villain in the house.

   This villain is complained about in weeks 1-4 but cannot be brought up to the Bachelor(ette) until at least week 5.

   Only one poor soul sacrifices his or herself for the good of mankind by telling the Bachelor(ette) what is happening.

   That poor soul is let go within 5-7 business days.

In a strange turn of events, the buy-one-get-one-free douche sale gifted us both JJ AND Clint this season, and what’s more, the men of the house are not waiting around to tell Kaitlyn that they suck. Sadly, Kaitlyn only heard the part where Clint is a scumbag, and somehow JJ gets off unscathed….for now.

Another week without a conclusive rose ceremony, but here’s what we know so far:

The Bens and Shawn are safe. That leaves:

Ryan

Jonathan

Justin

Corey

Jared

Joe

JJ

Clint

Ian

Joshua

Tanner

Cupcake

Assuming Clint gets the boot, my next guesses would include Corey, Jonathan, Tanner and Justin for execution. It will probably only be one other guy this week, and I’m kind of hoping it’s Jonathan because, frankly, his eyes alarm me.

Next week, Nick Viall shows up. This can only mean bad things in Bachelorette world, because the only thing worse than a villain from another season is a villain from another season in a stupid pullover.

Villains gotta vill.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 3

Last night was pretty crazy, right? We had some boxing, some bad jokes, and a childhood Little Mermaid fantasy come true. What more could you ask for? A series of male meltdowns, you say? Well alright, then. Let’s not waste any more time!

Let me be frank; I was in a pretty bad mood last night going into the show and as a result consumed several glasses of red wine during the episode, so please don’t submit this to anyone as a representation of my writing ability. This is sure to be one of the more spotty versions of the episode floating around the interweb. Onward!

We open with the tried-and-true shot of Kaitlyn “waking” in the morning and staring out the window trying to remember the guy’s names. Chris Harrison comes to visit because he is contractually obligated to ask if she sees this working and to share that she is already off to a worse start than Chris Soules with kissing too many people. Kaitlyn shrugs it off and basically tells Chris Harrison that if she feels a connection, she’s going to act on it. See also: sleeps with someone midday later this season.

Side note: this episode was definitely filmed in California and definitely not filmed in Autumn, but the foliage in the background was giving me life. I wanted to wear a dark lip and earthy nudes to work today because that shot made me feel so nostalgic for fall. But then I woke up late and work a sundress I bought at Costco and chapstick. Maybe next time.

Back at the ranch, the men are jumping on beds and drinking manly mimosas in the kitchen. Chris Harrison comes in wearing a—wait for it—purple oxford with zipper pockets and tells them about the week. “There will be some dates and probably some fighting and not nearly enough airtime for me, so here’s a card. Bye.”

The date card says something about the date ending with a ring, and all of the rejects plus the Bens pile into the car and head to some desolate location where they practice boxing and then beat each other up in front of Californians who volunteered to stand around and watch. In the end, it comes down to Ben Z. the tank and Jared the emo restaurant manager who duke it out for Kaitlyn’s affection. I half-expected Jared to use his pointy cheekbones as his secret weapon, but he didn’t even get the chance once Ben Z. laid into him. The medic was concerned about his pupils’ response time, so off to the hospital went Jared while Ben Z. snagged the group date rose and several minutes of smooching with Kaitlyn. “Ben Z. is just a hunk of a man!” However, nothing will get you noticed like a secret roadside rendezvous, so Jared and his completely horrendous wardrobe met Kaitlyn outside for a quick “walk” also known as making out with his eyes open and then disappearing into the night like the true superhero he is.

They’re showing a lot of Tanner this week. Who is Tanner and why does he look so much cuter this week?

Cut to the ranch where JJ, cross-legged and clad in loafers, is swirling red wine and letting everybody know that he is not worried and is most likely getting the one-on-one. Which he doesn’t. In fact, it goes to Clint, the hulk lookalike who seems to get more attractive as time goes on. He also drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops. What more do you want from the guy?

The date is an underwater photo shoot which immediately made me wish America’s Next Top Model was in season. Kaitlyn struggles to be underwater without holding her nose and the pictures are downright terrible for the most part. There were a few good ones towards the end, but overall this whole experience seemed like a waste of three very expensive ball gowns. They seemed to enjoy themselves, though, and after a rooftop dinner (that I completely missed because I knocked my wine glass over and had to run to the kitchen to get paper towels to mop it up), Clint gets the rose and some more kisses from Kaitlyn. “Clint is just a hunk of a man!” Now where have we heard this before…

Back at the ranch, Tony is mad, you guys. No date should involve violence, and as someone with a black eye, he would know. He’s just not in the mood for healing, okay? The date card comes for the third and final date, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, Tony’s name is on the date card.

The guys are doing standup in front of a crowd for this date, and they get a chance to practice their jokes with some comedians ahead of time. Cupcake is sweating right through his clinical strength Secret deodorant and has no idea how to be funny or impress Kaitlyn while JJ thinks he has this in the bag.  Amy Schumer was the whole reason for this episode.

JJ: I think I’m smarter than, like, 90% of the audience, so I don’t know if they’ll get my jokes.

Amy: You’re not smarter than, like, 90% of ants in America, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

As it turned out, everybody seemed to do okay with the jokes besides Tony, who has apparently never heard a joke in his life and completely misunderstood the assignment. To help combat this later, he tells Kaitlyn that he was afraid of her at first, which is totally the way to win a woman’s heart. That and call her crazy. That works, too.

Through some strange twist of fate, JJ gets the group date rose and everyone in America let out a collective sigh. ABC is highlighting it way too much for him to make it much further without somebody making the ultimate sacrifice and telling Kaitlyn about him, but I don’t know how much longer that will take. I completely believe that Kaitlyn has no idea he’s a douche yet, but I can’t wait to see what she does with the info when she receives it.

Cocktail party time.

Three men didn’t get dates this week, so the guys agree to give Shawn, Cory and Ryan the first chance to talk to Kaitlyn. However, JJ has made it his personal mission to piss off every possible person in this cast, and so far he’s executing it beautifully. Tony is straight-up losing his mind over JJ getting the group rose, and I felt bad enjoying Tony’s shame-spiral. Just when I was getting comfortable….

Kupah.

That conversation was doomed from the start. If his intention was to feel her out and see if they had a connection, he failed. He came in fast and furious and I think forgot for a second who the main character of this story was. Not to mention his not-so-subtle dig at ABC for being the token black guy this season and his dislike for, and I quote, “Looking good on a roster.” Kaitlyn gave zero fucks about telling him flat out that he actually ruined his chances in the last 3 minutes and that she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do.

By all means, go outside and tell anyone who will listen about your epic failure of a conversation and do it so loudly that Kaitlyn can hear you from clear across the mansion. He deserved to be let go, although by the looks of it, he might very well still be standing out front of the mansion right now.

My guesses? I think with Kupah being exiled, we only will say goodbye to two men next week. If I had to choose, it would be Tony and Jonathan because Tony is a wack-a-doodle and Jonathan’s creepy eyes need to go. Not to mention that he really hasn’t done much else of value.  I would also not be sad to see Justin go, strictly because he named his kid Aurelius and also has gigantic lips. Corey can go, too. He’s the one that looks like a busted Rob Lowe.

How will next week go? Will Kupah ever leave the Bachelor mansion? Will Tony’s head explode? Will we ever get an episode that has dates AND a rose ceremony in one? Find out next Monday on the Bachelorette!

p.s. Britt and Brady hung out this episode. 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Episode 2

This episode was nothing if not a perfect beginning to what may finally turn out to be the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette to date. Sister wives?  Special guests? Slut-shaming? How could it not be?

We open up with Chris Harrison sharing the bad news (or good news, depending on your stance) with the ousted Bachelorette. Now, if you’re as avid a Bach fan as I, you would’ve known who he was going to talk to first based on which direction he exited the mansion. The last clip of Monday’s episode was him coming out of the house and bearing left alongside the pool. I knew Monday night he was headed to talk to Britt, who was posted up by the outdoor fireplace to the left of the pool, to break the bad news to her first. Call me crazy, but I can’t help the attention to detail.

He wasted no time in telling her, but the way he did it was just brilliant. "I counted the votes. The majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with," he said. "Britt, unfortunately, you are not the Bachelorette."

This was me: 

Nobody was more shocked than Britt, who took a few moments to process it a la Elle Woods. “I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you just say?” You’re out of here, sweetie. Chris Harrison wasted no time at all and walked her right out to the shiny driveway. See you at the finale, ma’am.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is inches from blowing chunks all over the patio waiting for Chris to come give her the news. Chris Harrison clearly enjoys playing with people’s heartstrings as he told her, “I counted the votes and unfortunately Kaitlyn... (dramatic pause) "I had to send Britt home. You're going to be the Bachelorette." Kaitlyn was genuinely excited and did what any of us would do in that situation: call our mom.

Kaitlyn is in shock but fairly certain, like so many before her, that her husband was inside that mansion. (I don’t know why more people aren’t concerned when they say things like this night one, by the way. It’s the equivalent to saying, “I’ll be right back,” in a horror flick. Bad juju. But, I digress.) Chris Harrison reminds Kaitlyn that she has the rose ceremony still to do (“Oh, I have to do that?”) and asks her to stay on the couch and think for a moment (see also: we need b-roll of you sitting here).

Interestingly enough, most of the men I was taken with initially voted for Kaitlyn, which I’m hoping means they stick around a while longer. My men of note include Joshua the welder, Chris the dentist, and Ben H. That man is fine.

Moving with the times, our Bachelor lingo has changed a bit in this season. He voted for Britt is the new here for the wrong reasons. It’s getting added to the drinking game, for sure. We’re also going to hear a whole lot of guy-whining, or so it would seem. ABC has already started to show some clever footage with voiceovers (yea, I see you!) so we won’t know for a few more weeks who exactly are frontrunners and who is getting left behind. Here are my initial thoughts:

Kaitlyn is outgoing and extremely forward. She told more than one guy last night that she was into them and had no reservations about doing so. She caught JJ completely off guard which I loved. On the other hand, Shawn (Calvin Harris and Ryan Gosling’s lovechild) seemed pretty unfazed by her admission. She’s clearly very physically attracted to those two and Ben Z. the other personal trainer (By the way, if I ever become the Bachelorette, please don’t send any personal trainers. Thanks.). Does this mean eternal love? Not necessarily. The winner of the first-impression rose has only been the overall victor once.

Nice guys don’t have to finish last and it seems that the self-proclaimed Love-Man sticks around for a decent timeline judging by the season highlights along with dentist Chris, who made a few appearances in the footage. Other cameos were made by the Hulk Clint, who can be seen jumping into a pool and fighting with JJ later on this season. By the way, JJ is totally here to find a stepmother for his daughter, okay guys? 

Not at all as exciting as the admission that Kaitlyn and one of the guys DID IT before the fantasy suite. Now, in past seasons, it isn’t unusual for one or two guys to get dates that turn INTO overnights before the finale week. Who remembers the time they went camping and Ashley I. tried to suffocate Chris Soules with her face? But, judging by the video—which could be very misleading—it seems like there were quite a few guys still around when she rounded them up for that chat. Which means we won’t have to wait all that long.

Everyone seems to be asking the same question about last night; why the hell would anybody willingly allow Nick Viall to come on your season? He was trouble on Andi’s season, he was a problem at After The Final Rose, and his last name is VIALL for goodness sake. Take the hint, lady! He and Kaitlyn must have met previously because that is way too weird for him to show up like that in his godforsaken quarter-zip pullover.

Here are some predictions:

Long haulers: Ben H., Ben Z., Chris, Jared, JJ, Shawn B.

What are you still doing here: Kupah, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Tanner, Tony, Daniel, Justin

Dark horses: Cory, Joe, Joshua, Ryan B.

Ian? Don’t know where you fall. Can’t tell if you’re actually telling her off in the preview or if that was just cleverly edited. Reminds me a little bit of James Case from Des’ season in that way. Seems genuine now but may be kind of phony? And while we’re at it, a few more parallels for this season:

Chris the Cupcake IS Drew Kenney (also from Des’ season). Too nice for his own good, impeccable teeth and hair gel abilities.

Cory is a long lost relative of Kirk DeWindt from Ali Fedotowosky’s season.

Welder Joshua seems kind and sincere and faintly reminiscent of Cape Cod Chris, also from Ali’s season. The one that got away…

Ben Z. reminds me of Bryden from Des’ season, no?

Kupah is the Genie from Aladdin on Broadway.

Okay, enough with this. I’m off to a sushi date. I need to know everyone’s top 3 (for yourself AND for Kaitlyn). Post them on my FB, will ya? Oh, and if any of you list Ben H. on your list, I will find you. 

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Premiere

Guys.

It’s back.

As Dancing with the Stars comes to a fantastic close, it is time again for us to open up our hearts and homes to 25 of America’s most eligible all-American Bachelors. And after last night’s episode, it’s no wonder that the rest of the world hates America.

As if the entire premise of the Bachelorette isn’t weird enough, ABC’s latest attempt at Sister Wives the show took a turn for the worst earlier this year when nobody could decide which woman from Chris’ season would be the best fit. And by fit, I do mean who would bring in the most ratings. In my own circles, Kaitlyn was the clear victor; beautiful, funny, a little guarded and crass at times, but definitely the most interesting. Britt, on the other hand (if you have one) is a little too idealistic and oblivious for me. Pair that with her absolute breakdown(s) last season and you have quite the recipe for disaster.

But nobody asked little old me, so we moved into last night with two bachelorettes and zero clue how this was gonna pan out.

Chris Harrison starts us off detailing how this historic night will unfold. “Will this be painful and a bit awkward? Yes. But that’s what we get paid to do and by golly I’m gonna do it.”

ABC shows a video package of both women from last season, making each of them look like complete idiots. To make matters worse, both women had the same hairstyle last night. Did ya catch that? I was appalled. Could you not afford a whole package of bobby pins, ABC? Why did they each only get half of their hair back?

But what ABC lacked in bobby pins they made up for in transportation as both women traveled from the very same hotel in their very own stretch limo. Both women greet Chris Harrison and, if I’m not mistaken, Chris Harrison showed a tiny bit of favoritism towards Kaitlyn. I kind of always imagined Chris Harrison being on the Kaitlyn side of that debate. He seems pretty realistic about these things.

The men arrive one by one and ABC’s clever editing makes it seem like most of limos one and two favored Britt. But, if you’ve learned anything from me over the last few seasons, I hope you’ve learned to watch out for ABC’s clever ruses.  Regardless, how incredibly awkward to be standing there during those exchanges. I appreciate that Kaitlyn took it on the chin, and I think, judging by the way Britt freaked out when Kaitlyn went inside briefly, we know that she’s not as cool, calm and collected as she pretends to be.

Slight disclaimer: if you follow me on snapchat, you will notice that my viewing partner, Mary, and I live snap alllll of our opinions at the commercials. Mary is really the star of the show, so if you don’t follow me, you really should just to hear her talk about these idiots.

Snapchat: onehandwonder

Anyway, here are a few men of note. Use this link if you don’t remember anybody at all.

Jonathan: the single dad who was the only one not in a suit last night and is team Britt.

Joshua the welder: He’s adorable. A little bit country and that’s just fine. P.S. did that rose he welded remind anybody else of the Aladdin sequel? No?

Brady- The baseball player-turned musician from Nashville who talked about rainbows and unicorns and love during his interview. He’s perfect for Britt, that’s all I’m saying. If she’s not the bachelorette, those two can run off into the sunset together.

Ian: The runner from Princeton who wore capris and that’s basically all I know because I got distracted by the capris.

The healer: America was laughing at him and then he and his black eye wooed Britt. What the hell is going on.

Ben Z- Personal trainer whose mother died, also confronted drunkpants for touching Kaitlyn’s butt,

mostly because he was jealous.

Ben H- I don’t know anything about this man but he can stay. Forever.

Kupah- formerly of Mario Party.

JJ- Made the puck joke which was great. Then made me really irritated throughout the night as he grew more and more pompous. Just strikes me as kind of a doucher.

Joe is a precious angel whose picture on ABC.com does not do him justice.

Chris- The man who came out of a cupcake. Adorable.

The conversations were all pretty good. Obviously, that drunk man needed to go. Did you know he’s Nikki Ferrell’s ex? To go from him to Juan Pablo… What ever did this poor girl do in a previous life to deserve such a lot?

In the end, I think tonight will be very exciting. The big reveal, the first cuts and probably not much else seeing as it’s only on for 42 minutes tonight. Will any men leave once they know who the Bachelorette will be? Will Britt’s famous red lipstick return? Will Chris Harrison even actually ride a triceratops? Find out tonight on the Bachelorette on ABC.