This episode was nothing if not a perfect beginning
to what may finally turn out to be
the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette to date. Sister wives? Special guests? Slut-shaming? How could it not
be?
We open up with Chris Harrison sharing the bad news
(or good news, depending on your stance) with the ousted Bachelorette. Now, if
you’re as avid a Bach fan as I, you would’ve known who he was going to talk to
first based on which direction he exited the mansion. The last clip of Monday’s
episode was him coming out of the house and bearing left alongside the pool. I
knew Monday night he was headed to talk to Britt, who was posted up by the
outdoor fireplace to the left of the pool, to break the bad news to her first. Call
me crazy, but I can’t help the attention to detail.
He wasted no time in telling her, but the way he did
it was just brilliant. "I
counted the votes. The majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can
hopefully see a future with," he said. "Britt, unfortunately, you are
not the Bachelorette."
This was me:
Nobody was more shocked than Britt, who took a
few moments to process it a la Elle Woods. “I’m sorry, I just hallucinated.
What did you just say?” You’re out of here, sweetie. Chris Harrison wasted no
time at all and walked her right out to the shiny driveway. See you at the
finale, ma’am.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is inches
from blowing chunks all over the patio waiting for Chris to come give her the
news. Chris Harrison clearly enjoys playing with people’s heartstrings as he
told her, “I counted the votes
and unfortunately Kaitlyn... (dramatic pause) "I had to send Britt home.
You're going to be the Bachelorette." Kaitlyn was genuinely excited and did what any of us would do
in that situation: call our mom.
Kaitlyn is in shock but fairly certain, like so
many before her, that her husband was inside that mansion. (I don’t know why more people aren’t
concerned when they say things like this night one, by the way. It’s the
equivalent to saying, “I’ll be right back,” in a horror flick. Bad juju. But, I
digress.) Chris Harrison reminds Kaitlyn that she has the rose ceremony
still to do (“Oh, I have to do that?”) and asks her to stay on the couch and
think for a moment (see also: we need b-roll of you sitting here).
Interestingly enough, most of the men I was taken
with initially voted for Kaitlyn, which I’m hoping means they stick around a
while longer. My men of note include Joshua the welder, Chris the dentist, and
Ben H. That man is fine.
Moving with the times, our Bachelor lingo has
changed a bit in this season. He voted
for Britt is the new here for the
wrong reasons. It’s getting added to the drinking game, for sure. We’re
also going to hear a whole lot of guy-whining, or so it would seem. ABC has
already started to show some clever footage with voiceovers (yea, I see you!)
so we won’t know for a few more weeks who exactly are frontrunners and who is
getting left behind. Here are my initial thoughts:
Kaitlyn is outgoing and extremely forward. She
told more than one guy last night that she was into them and had no
reservations about doing so. She caught JJ completely off guard which I loved.
On the other hand, Shawn (Calvin Harris and Ryan Gosling’s lovechild) seemed
pretty unfazed by her admission. She’s clearly very physically attracted to
those two and Ben Z. the other personal trainer (By the way, if I ever become
the Bachelorette, please don’t send any personal trainers. Thanks.). Does this
mean eternal love? Not necessarily. The winner of the first-impression rose has
only been the overall victor once.
Nice guys don’t have to finish last and it seems
that the self-proclaimed Love-Man sticks around for a decent timeline judging
by the season highlights along with dentist Chris, who made a few appearances
in the footage. Other cameos were made by the Hulk Clint, who can be
seen jumping into a pool and fighting with JJ later on this season. By the way, JJ is totally here to find a stepmother for his daughter, okay guys?
Not at all
as exciting as the admission that Kaitlyn and one of the guys DID IT before the
fantasy suite. Now, in past seasons, it isn’t unusual for one or two guys to
get dates that turn INTO overnights before the finale week. Who remembers the
time they went camping and Ashley I. tried to suffocate Chris Soules with her
face? But, judging by the video—which could be very misleading—it seems like
there were quite a few guys still around when she rounded them up for that
chat. Which means we won’t have to wait all that long.
Everyone seems to be asking the same question
about last night; why the hell would anybody willingly allow Nick Viall to come
on your season? He was trouble on Andi’s season, he was a problem at After The
Final Rose, and his last name is VIALL for goodness sake. Take the hint, lady! He
and Kaitlyn must have met previously because that is way too weird for him to
show up like that in his godforsaken quarter-zip pullover.
Here are some predictions:
Long haulers: Ben H., Ben Z., Chris, Jared, JJ, Shawn B.
What are you still doing here: Kupah, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Tanner, Tony,
Daniel, Justin
Dark horses: Cory, Joe, Joshua, Ryan B.
Ian? Don’t know where you fall. Can’t tell if you’re
actually telling her off in the preview or if that was just cleverly edited.
Reminds me a little bit of James Case from Des’ season in that way. Seems
genuine now but may be kind of phony? And while we’re at it, a few more
parallels for this season:
Chris the Cupcake IS Drew Kenney (also from Des’
season). Too nice for his own good, impeccable teeth and hair gel abilities.
Cory is a long lost relative of Kirk DeWindt from
Ali Fedotowosky’s season.
Welder Joshua seems kind and sincere and faintly
reminiscent of Cape Cod Chris, also from Ali’s season. The one that got away…
Okay, enough with this. I’m off to a sushi date.
I need to know everyone’s top 3 (for yourself AND for Kaitlyn). Post them on my
FB, will ya? Oh, and if any of you list Ben H. on your list, I will find you.
xoxo,
Amanda
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