Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 3

Last night was pretty crazy, right? We had some boxing, some bad jokes, and a childhood Little Mermaid fantasy come true. What more could you ask for? A series of male meltdowns, you say? Well alright, then. Let’s not waste any more time!

Let me be frank; I was in a pretty bad mood last night going into the show and as a result consumed several glasses of red wine during the episode, so please don’t submit this to anyone as a representation of my writing ability. This is sure to be one of the more spotty versions of the episode floating around the interweb. Onward!

We open with the tried-and-true shot of Kaitlyn “waking” in the morning and staring out the window trying to remember the guy’s names. Chris Harrison comes to visit because he is contractually obligated to ask if she sees this working and to share that she is already off to a worse start than Chris Soules with kissing too many people. Kaitlyn shrugs it off and basically tells Chris Harrison that if she feels a connection, she’s going to act on it. See also: sleeps with someone midday later this season.

Side note: this episode was definitely filmed in California and definitely not filmed in Autumn, but the foliage in the background was giving me life. I wanted to wear a dark lip and earthy nudes to work today because that shot made me feel so nostalgic for fall. But then I woke up late and work a sundress I bought at Costco and chapstick. Maybe next time.

Back at the ranch, the men are jumping on beds and drinking manly mimosas in the kitchen. Chris Harrison comes in wearing a—wait for it—purple oxford with zipper pockets and tells them about the week. “There will be some dates and probably some fighting and not nearly enough airtime for me, so here’s a card. Bye.”

The date card says something about the date ending with a ring, and all of the rejects plus the Bens pile into the car and head to some desolate location where they practice boxing and then beat each other up in front of Californians who volunteered to stand around and watch. In the end, it comes down to Ben Z. the tank and Jared the emo restaurant manager who duke it out for Kaitlyn’s affection. I half-expected Jared to use his pointy cheekbones as his secret weapon, but he didn’t even get the chance once Ben Z. laid into him. The medic was concerned about his pupils’ response time, so off to the hospital went Jared while Ben Z. snagged the group date rose and several minutes of smooching with Kaitlyn. “Ben Z. is just a hunk of a man!” However, nothing will get you noticed like a secret roadside rendezvous, so Jared and his completely horrendous wardrobe met Kaitlyn outside for a quick “walk” also known as making out with his eyes open and then disappearing into the night like the true superhero he is.

They’re showing a lot of Tanner this week. Who is Tanner and why does he look so much cuter this week?

Cut to the ranch where JJ, cross-legged and clad in loafers, is swirling red wine and letting everybody know that he is not worried and is most likely getting the one-on-one. Which he doesn’t. In fact, it goes to Clint, the hulk lookalike who seems to get more attractive as time goes on. He also drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops. What more do you want from the guy?

The date is an underwater photo shoot which immediately made me wish America’s Next Top Model was in season. Kaitlyn struggles to be underwater without holding her nose and the pictures are downright terrible for the most part. There were a few good ones towards the end, but overall this whole experience seemed like a waste of three very expensive ball gowns. They seemed to enjoy themselves, though, and after a rooftop dinner (that I completely missed because I knocked my wine glass over and had to run to the kitchen to get paper towels to mop it up), Clint gets the rose and some more kisses from Kaitlyn. “Clint is just a hunk of a man!” Now where have we heard this before…

Back at the ranch, Tony is mad, you guys. No date should involve violence, and as someone with a black eye, he would know. He’s just not in the mood for healing, okay? The date card comes for the third and final date, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, Tony’s name is on the date card.

The guys are doing standup in front of a crowd for this date, and they get a chance to practice their jokes with some comedians ahead of time. Cupcake is sweating right through his clinical strength Secret deodorant and has no idea how to be funny or impress Kaitlyn while JJ thinks he has this in the bag.  Amy Schumer was the whole reason for this episode.

JJ: I think I’m smarter than, like, 90% of the audience, so I don’t know if they’ll get my jokes.

Amy: You’re not smarter than, like, 90% of ants in America, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

As it turned out, everybody seemed to do okay with the jokes besides Tony, who has apparently never heard a joke in his life and completely misunderstood the assignment. To help combat this later, he tells Kaitlyn that he was afraid of her at first, which is totally the way to win a woman’s heart. That and call her crazy. That works, too.

Through some strange twist of fate, JJ gets the group date rose and everyone in America let out a collective sigh. ABC is highlighting it way too much for him to make it much further without somebody making the ultimate sacrifice and telling Kaitlyn about him, but I don’t know how much longer that will take. I completely believe that Kaitlyn has no idea he’s a douche yet, but I can’t wait to see what she does with the info when she receives it.

Cocktail party time.

Three men didn’t get dates this week, so the guys agree to give Shawn, Cory and Ryan the first chance to talk to Kaitlyn. However, JJ has made it his personal mission to piss off every possible person in this cast, and so far he’s executing it beautifully. Tony is straight-up losing his mind over JJ getting the group rose, and I felt bad enjoying Tony’s shame-spiral. Just when I was getting comfortable….

Kupah.

That conversation was doomed from the start. If his intention was to feel her out and see if they had a connection, he failed. He came in fast and furious and I think forgot for a second who the main character of this story was. Not to mention his not-so-subtle dig at ABC for being the token black guy this season and his dislike for, and I quote, “Looking good on a roster.” Kaitlyn gave zero fucks about telling him flat out that he actually ruined his chances in the last 3 minutes and that she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do.

By all means, go outside and tell anyone who will listen about your epic failure of a conversation and do it so loudly that Kaitlyn can hear you from clear across the mansion. He deserved to be let go, although by the looks of it, he might very well still be standing out front of the mansion right now.

My guesses? I think with Kupah being exiled, we only will say goodbye to two men next week. If I had to choose, it would be Tony and Jonathan because Tony is a wack-a-doodle and Jonathan’s creepy eyes need to go. Not to mention that he really hasn’t done much else of value.  I would also not be sad to see Justin go, strictly because he named his kid Aurelius and also has gigantic lips. Corey can go, too. He’s the one that looks like a busted Rob Lowe.

How will next week go? Will Kupah ever leave the Bachelor mansion? Will Tony’s head explode? Will we ever get an episode that has dates AND a rose ceremony in one? Find out next Monday on the Bachelorette!

p.s. Britt and Brady hung out this episode.