Game of Thrones Finale Blog

Welcome to a special edition of the blog dedicated to the emotional rollercoaster that was the Game of Thrones finale last night. I usually only post Bachelorette recaps on Tuesdays, but after I suffered all the feels yesterday,  It had to be done. Plus, my normal GOT text pals were either at a wedding or on a different continent last night, so I was all alone in my pool of sorrow and just need support, okay?

If there’s one thing you should do today, it is buy stock in Zoloft because America.is.depressed.

While so many of our loose ends got tied up last night (and I did find myself cheering aloud much of the time), I can’t help but feel that a small piece of me has died. The reason for my existence constant attention to the show is dead? Say it aint so. Who will I pine for now? It’s slim pickins these days. Daario? The Night’s King?

But more on that later.

Let’s start at the beginning where global warming hits Stannis’ camp and Melisandre is all, “Told ya so. Let’s go blow shit up.” Stannis’ wife—who, until last episode definitely won the award for worst parent—killed herself while half of Stannis’ troops ran away because toasting his kid like a marshmallow didn’t really leave a good taste in their mouths.

Lady Melisandre: Oops, I guess my 8-ball was off, sorry. Off to Castle Black, ttyl.

There’s a reason pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and Stannis marches on to his impending death Winterfell anyway where Sansa is playing frogger across the courtyard trying to get to the broken tower. It took her five seasons but by golly she’s gonna do something for herself for once. Unfortunately, by the time she gets to the top of the tower and lights the candle, Brienne and Pod see Stannis’ busted army coming down the hill and rush off to intercept him.

Sansa almost makes it back to her room without being spotted, but of course hell hath no fury like a kennlemaster’s daughter scorned, and Myranda is waiting for Sansy when she returns. She’s saying something about Ramsay only needing parts of Sansa to make babies or something equally weird when Theon finally does something of value and launches her over the balcony. Realizing the gravity of the situation (hehe get it?), the two decide that the most logical decision is to jump hand-in-hand from the roof into the snowy abyss.

Oh, and Brienne totally kills Stannis in a devastatingly anti-climactic way. I guess if I killed my child, my wife committed suicide and my mistress left me to go to a castle of dudes, I probably wouldn’t put up much of a fight, either.

Across the pond, Jaime, Myrcella and Trystane, who we never see this episode even though he’s allegedly on the boat, are making their way back to King’s Landing. Ellaria and her sand snakes see them off at the dock, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t really bat an eye at the uncomfortably-long kiss she shared with Myrcella (what with all the nudity and incest that goes on in this show regularly. I feel like I’m numb to weird at this point).  Anyway, Jaime is having a Maury session with Myrcella but she’s hip to it already.

Jaime: When two people love each other…

Myrcella: I, like, totally know. Blonde is a recessive gene…

They exchange their first and only hug as father and daughter before her brain totally blows up inside her head and starts leaking out everywhere. Cut immediately to Ellaria giving zero fucks back on the dock and wiping off her poison lipstick.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

Anybody else a little bored of Arya’s plot this season? The many-faced god needs to spice it up a bit. And while I appreciated her checking Ser Meryn off of her list (finally), I was really looking forward to her killing that man with her clams in a ghastly way.  That’s really all I have to say about that.

Oh, Arya is blind now, I guess.

Meanwhile, nobody can find Daenerys or her lazy dragon so Daario and Jorah set off to look for them. Tyrion tries to join them and they’re all like, “No, sorry dude. Only if you’re in love with her.” He and Grey Worm stay behind to run the city which is, for all intents and purposes, in lockdown mode after the fighting pits debacle last week.

Daenerys finds herself on the side of a mountain somewhere and nobody to help. Out of nowhere, a swarm of Dothraki, like seriously, the most horses I’ve ever seen, are swirling around her and suddenly being alone is looking pretty good. Not sure if they will know who she is, want to help, or be big pains in the ass. The jury is still out on this one.

Now, I know I can’t be the only one who watched the Cersei scene and didn’t instantly think of Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. If you’ve seen Les Mis, you know what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t, remove me from your Facebook friends immediately.

Cersei says she wants to be clean, confesses to one one-hundredth of her crimes, and is made to shave off her hair and parade nakedly through the streets of King’s Landing. The finest folk of King’s Landing have turned up for this event, and everybody throws stuff at her and waves their junk in her face as she passes. Meanwhile, the nun behind her, who has exactly two lines all season, manages to get hit by nothing. She makes it back to the Red Keep just in time to meet the new Frankenstein who has pledged a vow of silence until all of Cersei’s enemies are dead. Yeah, because the Mountain had so many lines before.

That little shit Olly better sleep with one eye open. That’s all I’m sayin’. I was extremely upset when they stabbed Jon repeatedly, but I also missed part of it because I forced my mom to watch with me and she was saying, “Oh no, isn’t that your man?” as it happened. I went upstairs and re-watched the episode before bed just so I could get the whole effect. At first, I was overcome with sadness. Then went right into pure hatred for the writers and vowed never to watch the show again. This lasted all of 5 minutes.

As I thought about it more, there are so many reasons why Jon just CAN’T be dead. #1, he’s the only compelling part of the storyline at the Wall. #2. We still don’t know the truth about his parentage (because I know y’all don’t buy the story they’re feeding us). #3. His neck was exposed for, like, a good 6 seconds where Olly could’ve slit his throat and didn’t. This may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but think about all of the major character deaths in GOT. Ned…beheaded. Catelyn…throat slit. Robb…stabbed in the heart. Tywin…arrow through the heart. If they wanted us to know for certain that Jon is dead and definitely not coming back, they could’ve made that more abundantly clear. Since they didn’t, I think we can at least pray for a weird Melisandre séance in season 6.

Thanks for stopping by!