Bachelorette Premiere

Guys.

It’s back.

As Dancing with the Stars comes to a fantastic close, it is time again for us to open up our hearts and homes to 25 of America’s most eligible all-American Bachelors. And after last night’s episode, it’s no wonder that the rest of the world hates America.

As if the entire premise of the Bachelorette isn’t weird enough, ABC’s latest attempt at Sister Wives the show took a turn for the worst earlier this year when nobody could decide which woman from Chris’ season would be the best fit. And by fit, I do mean who would bring in the most ratings. In my own circles, Kaitlyn was the clear victor; beautiful, funny, a little guarded and crass at times, but definitely the most interesting. Britt, on the other hand (if you have one) is a little too idealistic and oblivious for me. Pair that with her absolute breakdown(s) last season and you have quite the recipe for disaster.

But nobody asked little old me, so we moved into last night with two bachelorettes and zero clue how this was gonna pan out.

Chris Harrison starts us off detailing how this historic night will unfold. “Will this be painful and a bit awkward? Yes. But that’s what we get paid to do and by golly I’m gonna do it.”

ABC shows a video package of both women from last season, making each of them look like complete idiots. To make matters worse, both women had the same hairstyle last night. Did ya catch that? I was appalled. Could you not afford a whole package of bobby pins, ABC? Why did they each only get half of their hair back?

But what ABC lacked in bobby pins they made up for in transportation as both women traveled from the very same hotel in their very own stretch limo. Both women greet Chris Harrison and, if I’m not mistaken, Chris Harrison showed a tiny bit of favoritism towards Kaitlyn. I kind of always imagined Chris Harrison being on the Kaitlyn side of that debate. He seems pretty realistic about these things.

The men arrive one by one and ABC’s clever editing makes it seem like most of limos one and two favored Britt. But, if you’ve learned anything from me over the last few seasons, I hope you’ve learned to watch out for ABC’s clever ruses.  Regardless, how incredibly awkward to be standing there during those exchanges. I appreciate that Kaitlyn took it on the chin, and I think, judging by the way Britt freaked out when Kaitlyn went inside briefly, we know that she’s not as cool, calm and collected as she pretends to be.

Slight disclaimer: if you follow me on snapchat, you will notice that my viewing partner, Mary, and I live snap alllll of our opinions at the commercials. Mary is really the star of the show, so if you don’t follow me, you really should just to hear her talk about these idiots.

Snapchat: onehandwonder

Anyway, here are a few men of note. Use this link if you don’t remember anybody at all.

Jonathan: the single dad who was the only one not in a suit last night and is team Britt.

Joshua the welder: He’s adorable. A little bit country and that’s just fine. P.S. did that rose he welded remind anybody else of the Aladdin sequel? No?

Brady- The baseball player-turned musician from Nashville who talked about rainbows and unicorns and love during his interview. He’s perfect for Britt, that’s all I’m saying. If she’s not the bachelorette, those two can run off into the sunset together.

Ian: The runner from Princeton who wore capris and that’s basically all I know because I got distracted by the capris.

The healer: America was laughing at him and then he and his black eye wooed Britt. What the hell is going on.

Ben Z- Personal trainer whose mother died, also confronted drunkpants for touching Kaitlyn’s butt,

mostly because he was jealous.

Ben H- I don’t know anything about this man but he can stay. Forever.

Kupah- formerly of Mario Party.

JJ- Made the puck joke which was great. Then made me really irritated throughout the night as he grew more and more pompous. Just strikes me as kind of a doucher.

Joe is a precious angel whose picture on ABC.com does not do him justice.

Chris- The man who came out of a cupcake. Adorable.

The conversations were all pretty good. Obviously, that drunk man needed to go. Did you know he’s Nikki Ferrell’s ex? To go from him to Juan Pablo… What ever did this poor girl do in a previous life to deserve such a lot?

In the end, I think tonight will be very exciting. The big reveal, the first cuts and probably not much else seeing as it’s only on for 42 minutes tonight. Will any men leave once they know who the Bachelorette will be? Will Britt’s famous red lipstick return? Will Chris Harrison even actually ride a triceratops? Find out tonight on the Bachelorette on ABC.