Bachelorette Episode 4

Okay, but actually what is going on this season of the Bachelorette?

It seems that we spend an equal amount of time oohing and ahhhing as we do wincing out of pure awkwardness these days. Last night was fraught with homosexuality, temper tantrums and public indecency. What is happening to this family program? Whatever happened to scaling down buildings or jumping off yachts?

We begin with Kaitlyn giving absolutely zero fucks and storming out of the mansion to talk to Kupah and his dragging suspenders.

Kaitlyn: “What have I told you about using your inside voice?! “

Kupah is still begging to stay, which makes absolutely zero sense because he didn’t even vote for Kaitlyn AND she’s asked you to leave twice now. Eventually, the uber arrives and Kupah is gone with the wind. No exit interview in the van at all. Probably on his way to Laila Ali’s house, actually.

Meanwhile, back inside, the rose ceremony begins with Kaitlyn telling everybody basically to 

remember whose face is on the billboard and shape up or ship out. In not so many words. Daniel the fashion designer and Cory without an E are sent packing. This decision rattles exactly zero people.

If giant men in napkin thongs don’t scream love, then I don’t know what does. The first group date is quite the experience for all involved, including those poor children on the sidelines who can never unsee what happened there that day. The least offensive thing that happened all afternoon was that gargantuan doing a split, and that is saying something. The reader’s digest version of the date is that JJ’s tattoo is as stupid and inconsequential as he is, Clint is a huge douche and the two of them might just be perfect for each other.

Shawn is hanging low, but I see you. We haven’t forgotten, and neither has she.

The one-on-one is chosen by my main man Chris Harrison, and Kaitlyn and the less important Ben head to a damp basement filled with maggots and pigeons and snakes, oh my! Kaitlyn is almost taken out by a pigeon in the beginning but good thing big hunky Ben is there to remind her it’s just a fucking pigeon. They are given 45 minutes to figure out how to get out of the basement via solving riddles ending in a code to be entered into a computer. And none of you asshats thought to try roses? Seriously.

Kaitlyn in the basement

Their one-on-one time is sweet and meaningful and entirely boring in my opinion. He’s not really quirky or exciting aside from his backstory, which is really his only story at this point. His answers seem well-timed and seemingly rehearsed, which is the complete adverse to Kaitlyn. I just don’t get the butterflies with this one.

Oh, wait. I completely forgot about Tony until just now.

Multiple personalities Tony can’t seem to let go of his inner healer, although he keeps threatening to destroy people in the sumo match and then yells for an entire day about how he loves rainbows. This man is complex. He has the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy, guys. He just couldn’t continue to be a part of this circus anymore (you’re the one who wanted to go to the zoo, dude). Anyway, Tony and his stoner hoodie meet Kaitlyn at the hotel to tell her he’s leaving and Kaitlyn tentatively hugs him for fear he might shank her.

Side bar, did anyone else hear Kupah say to the producer, “Three days and I’m going home? I didn’t come here for this!” Thank you, Kupah, for shedding light on the fact that these people have been here less than a full calendar week and are already bach shit crazy.

Onto the final group date.

Kaitlyn and a crowd of child actors team up to bring to light the fact that America is doing a shitty job of those 5^th grade body talks at school. These men had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, except for the dreamboat that is Ben H. My 45-year-old health teacher gave me the chat at school. All I’m saying is that if Ben H. was my teacher, things might’ve gone a little differently.

That man is fine.

The entire experience was hilarious, especially the part where Kaitlyn didn’t let them in on the joke. Tanner and Jared got very little airtime, probably because they were god awful and Jared’s cheekbones were likely frightening the children. My #2 main squeeze, Joshua, tried his darndest, but lord does that man need some guidance. Ryan—I know, I didn’t know who he was either—was pretty darn funny but also completely unhelpful. Then, like the beacon of light that he is, Ben H. got up and showed everybody how it is done.

Ben H. got the group rose, and that’s all that really matters from the after party.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Clint and JJ are both really into themselves and really into each other. Both men like to think they are smarter than every other guy in the house, and also share in the fact that neither of them is correct as displayed through the intense turtle conversation in the hot tub.

Let that last statement sink in.

We’ve seen guys latch onto each other in previous seasons, but never quite in this fashion. What’s more is that the men of the house are not following traditional Bachelor villain rules. The rules clearly state that:

   There is one main villain in the house.

   This villain is complained about in weeks 1-4 but cannot be brought up to the Bachelor(ette) until at least week 5.

   Only one poor soul sacrifices his or herself for the good of mankind by telling the Bachelor(ette) what is happening.

   That poor soul is let go within 5-7 business days.

In a strange turn of events, the buy-one-get-one-free douche sale gifted us both JJ AND Clint this season, and what’s more, the men of the house are not waiting around to tell Kaitlyn that they suck. Sadly, Kaitlyn only heard the part where Clint is a scumbag, and somehow JJ gets off unscathed….for now.

Another week without a conclusive rose ceremony, but here’s what we know so far:

The Bens and Shawn are safe. That leaves:

Ryan

Jonathan

Justin

Corey

Jared

Joe

JJ

Clint

Ian

Joshua

Tanner

Cupcake

Assuming Clint gets the boot, my next guesses would include Corey, Jonathan, Tanner and Justin for execution. It will probably only be one other guy this week, and I’m kind of hoping it’s Jonathan because, frankly, his eyes alarm me.

Next week, Nick Viall shows up. This can only mean bad things in Bachelorette world, because the only thing worse than a villain from another season is a villain from another season in a stupid pullover.

Villains gotta vill.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda