Bachelorette Week 5

Hello beautiful people!  What a night we just had, right? I’ll get into all the crazy details momentarily, but for now I need to take a moment to give my gal pal and my blog’s #1 fan Alyssa a birthday shout out. How appropriate that I should be writing this ridiculous recap on the day of your birth. Cheers to you, sassy.

Back to your regularly-scheduled complaining blog.

My resting bitch face was at an all-time high as I watched last night’s episode. Partner that with my sporadic outcries of fashion suicide and pure disgust for Nick Viall, and I think it’s safe to say that my two bach guests will think twice before returning next week. I swear, guys, it won’t happen again.

But seriously, there is so much drama and not enough hot tub makeout sessions love on this season. There have been more villains than good guys and nowhere near enough Chris Harrison to satisfy America. Plus, where are my concerts? I WANT MY D-LIST CONCERTS!

We’ve also totally lost our plot arc in this season and the lit freak in me is cringing inside each week when the untimely credits roll. Normally, we have some secrets and a few antagonists who come and go, but everything gets resolved in a timely manner so that I can move on with my Tuesday. This season, literally nothing has been resolved and my heart just can’t take it. When will the madness end?

With all that in mind, I’m actually really digging the vibe of this season. You can’t expect what is going to come next, unlike virtually every other season in the franchise’s history. You can’t really say if there’s a frontrunner because nobody is actually running anywhere. Instead, they’re getting thrown out an hour before the rose ceremony because mama didn’t raise no fool and Kaitlyn is not all about the haterz. Point of information: if you are not utterly obsessed with Kaitlyn and only Kaitlyn, if you try to oust the network for its lack of diversity or if you’d rather be at the zoo, you will be in the next minivan home.

So we start out where we left off which is—spoiler alert—the same way we’ve started all five episodes thus far which is in the shiny driveway where Kaitlyn is uncomfortable and somebody is in trouble. This time, it’s Clint who feels the wrath of Kaitlyn, and borrows the same shovel Kupah used on his way out last week to dig a massive hole for both him and JJ to crawl into together.

But wait, the plot thickens!

Undercarriage of bus? Meet Clint. Sensing his impending demise, JJ takes it upon himself to throw Clint to the wolves in hopes of saving face with Kaitlyn. Clint manages to hold off his fury until Kaitlyn leaves, but he makes it pretty clear that JJ is not welcome in his shower any longer.

So long, farewell.

Kaitlyn goes out to talk to Chris Harrison to discuss her options.

Kaitlyn: I don’t think I want to have a rose ceremony tonight.

Chris Harrison: But, like,  I haven’t gotten to say “this the final rose” in 3 weeks. This is some bullshit.

Everybody moves on. The first group date is a rap battle because nobody has been embarrassed enough so far. These guys came up with some pretty impressive bars including rhyming ‘Florida’ with ‘bored of ya’ and 1, 2, 3—8. And let’s not forget the time JJ called an entire audience of New Yorkers hoes.

The fact that this turd is still alive boggles the mind.

I think Shawn and Justin had the best battle, and I’m not just saying that because Shawn showed his abs. Okay, maybe I am.

Nick Viall and Ashley I. are in the audience, which means this was a totally credible performance. Kaitlyn meets Nick for the first time and reveals to the cameras that they have never met in person but have chatted via “social media” before. See also: sexting.

Nick is just as offensive as he was on Andi’s season, and seems to have the same effect on Kaitlyn as he did on Andi initially. The dude can kiss his way out of any scenario, and he and his beady eyes completely threw Kaitlyn for a loop. She says she needs some time to think about whether or not he can join the competition and he understands this. Luckily, the guys are not so quick to forgive Nick for his misstep on the Men Tell All a few seasons ago, and Shawn tells it like it is when Kaitlyn seemingly asks for their approval. Also, did anybody else notice Shawn wearing skin-tight grey joggers last night? Justin tells Kaitlyn it’s totes cool if another dude comes in because he’s probably going home anyway he’s confident in their connection and Kaitlyn awards him with the group rose, which nobody else seemed to want anyway.

For those of you who weren’t at my house last night, moments before the Broadway date I uttered these fatal words: “Since they’re in NY, whichever guy on this episode says they love musicals is my pick.” Soon thereafter, I had to sprint to the kitchen to spit out my sangria when JJ declared his love of showtunes.

This date was right up my alley. I was impressed that most of them could find the key for A Whole New World (sorry, Joe) and that nobody was a bad sport about it. However, after all that, all they did was cross downstage right?! I mean, come on, people! At least let’s get a little kick-ball-change or something goin’.

Cupcake was way into it and I was way into Ben H. and his flannel.

After much deliberation, Kaitlyn decides to let Nick in on the fun, and delivers the news in person to the guys, who all shoot laser beam death stares at her. He doesn't even go here. She feels uncomfortable, as she should in her short-sleeve wool sweater, and exits the premise. The last thing we see is Nick entering the hotel room. Yikes. 

Next week, by the looks of it, Shawn gets his first one-on-one, Ian tells Kaitlyn she sucks, and Chris Harrison adds a clause in his contract about getting at least 5 minutes of airtime each episode. 

Until next time....

xoxo 

Amanda