Bachelorette Week 5

Hello beautiful people!  What a night we just had, right? I’ll get into all the crazy details momentarily, but for now I need to take a moment to give my gal pal and my blog’s #1 fan Alyssa a birthday shout out. How appropriate that I should be writing this ridiculous recap on the day of your birth. Cheers to you, sassy.

Back to your regularly-scheduled complaining blog.

My resting bitch face was at an all-time high as I watched last night’s episode. Partner that with my sporadic outcries of fashion suicide and pure disgust for Nick Viall, and I think it’s safe to say that my two bach guests will think twice before returning next week. I swear, guys, it won’t happen again.

But seriously, there is so much drama and not enough hot tub makeout sessions love on this season. There have been more villains than good guys and nowhere near enough Chris Harrison to satisfy America. Plus, where are my concerts? I WANT MY D-LIST CONCERTS!

We’ve also totally lost our plot arc in this season and the lit freak in me is cringing inside each week when the untimely credits roll. Normally, we have some secrets and a few antagonists who come and go, but everything gets resolved in a timely manner so that I can move on with my Tuesday. This season, literally nothing has been resolved and my heart just can’t take it. When will the madness end?

With all that in mind, I’m actually really digging the vibe of this season. You can’t expect what is going to come next, unlike virtually every other season in the franchise’s history. You can’t really say if there’s a frontrunner because nobody is actually running anywhere. Instead, they’re getting thrown out an hour before the rose ceremony because mama didn’t raise no fool and Kaitlyn is not all about the haterz. Point of information: if you are not utterly obsessed with Kaitlyn and only Kaitlyn, if you try to oust the network for its lack of diversity or if you’d rather be at the zoo, you will be in the next minivan home.

So we start out where we left off which is—spoiler alert—the same way we’ve started all five episodes thus far which is in the shiny driveway where Kaitlyn is uncomfortable and somebody is in trouble. This time, it’s Clint who feels the wrath of Kaitlyn, and borrows the same shovel Kupah used on his way out last week to dig a massive hole for both him and JJ to crawl into together.

But wait, the plot thickens!

Undercarriage of bus? Meet Clint. Sensing his impending demise, JJ takes it upon himself to throw Clint to the wolves in hopes of saving face with Kaitlyn. Clint manages to hold off his fury until Kaitlyn leaves, but he makes it pretty clear that JJ is not welcome in his shower any longer.

So long, farewell.

Kaitlyn goes out to talk to Chris Harrison to discuss her options.

Kaitlyn: I don’t think I want to have a rose ceremony tonight.

Chris Harrison: But, like,  I haven’t gotten to say “this the final rose” in 3 weeks. This is some bullshit.

Everybody moves on. The first group date is a rap battle because nobody has been embarrassed enough so far. These guys came up with some pretty impressive bars including rhyming ‘Florida’ with ‘bored of ya’ and 1, 2, 3—8. And let’s not forget the time JJ called an entire audience of New Yorkers hoes.

The fact that this turd is still alive boggles the mind.

I think Shawn and Justin had the best battle, and I’m not just saying that because Shawn showed his abs. Okay, maybe I am.

Nick Viall and Ashley I. are in the audience, which means this was a totally credible performance. Kaitlyn meets Nick for the first time and reveals to the cameras that they have never met in person but have chatted via “social media” before. See also: sexting.

Nick is just as offensive as he was on Andi’s season, and seems to have the same effect on Kaitlyn as he did on Andi initially. The dude can kiss his way out of any scenario, and he and his beady eyes completely threw Kaitlyn for a loop. She says she needs some time to think about whether or not he can join the competition and he understands this. Luckily, the guys are not so quick to forgive Nick for his misstep on the Men Tell All a few seasons ago, and Shawn tells it like it is when Kaitlyn seemingly asks for their approval. Also, did anybody else notice Shawn wearing skin-tight grey joggers last night? Justin tells Kaitlyn it’s totes cool if another dude comes in because he’s probably going home anyway he’s confident in their connection and Kaitlyn awards him with the group rose, which nobody else seemed to want anyway.

For those of you who weren’t at my house last night, moments before the Broadway date I uttered these fatal words: “Since they’re in NY, whichever guy on this episode says they love musicals is my pick.” Soon thereafter, I had to sprint to the kitchen to spit out my sangria when JJ declared his love of showtunes.

This date was right up my alley. I was impressed that most of them could find the key for A Whole New World (sorry, Joe) and that nobody was a bad sport about it. However, after all that, all they did was cross downstage right?! I mean, come on, people! At least let’s get a little kick-ball-change or something goin’.

Cupcake was way into it and I was way into Ben H. and his flannel.

After much deliberation, Kaitlyn decides to let Nick in on the fun, and delivers the news in person to the guys, who all shoot laser beam death stares at her. He doesn't even go here. She feels uncomfortable, as she should in her short-sleeve wool sweater, and exits the premise. The last thing we see is Nick entering the hotel room. Yikes. 

Next week, by the looks of it, Shawn gets his first one-on-one, Ian tells Kaitlyn she sucks, and Chris Harrison adds a clause in his contract about getting at least 5 minutes of airtime each episode. 

Until next time....

xoxo 

Amanda

Bachelorette Episode 4

Okay, but actually what is going on this season of the Bachelorette?

It seems that we spend an equal amount of time oohing and ahhhing as we do wincing out of pure awkwardness these days. Last night was fraught with homosexuality, temper tantrums and public indecency. What is happening to this family program? Whatever happened to scaling down buildings or jumping off yachts?

We begin with Kaitlyn giving absolutely zero fucks and storming out of the mansion to talk to Kupah and his dragging suspenders.

Kaitlyn: “What have I told you about using your inside voice?! “

Kupah is still begging to stay, which makes absolutely zero sense because he didn’t even vote for Kaitlyn AND she’s asked you to leave twice now. Eventually, the uber arrives and Kupah is gone with the wind. No exit interview in the van at all. Probably on his way to Laila Ali’s house, actually.

Meanwhile, back inside, the rose ceremony begins with Kaitlyn telling everybody basically to 

remember whose face is on the billboard and shape up or ship out. In not so many words. Daniel the fashion designer and Cory without an E are sent packing. This decision rattles exactly zero people.

If giant men in napkin thongs don’t scream love, then I don’t know what does. The first group date is quite the experience for all involved, including those poor children on the sidelines who can never unsee what happened there that day. The least offensive thing that happened all afternoon was that gargantuan doing a split, and that is saying something. The reader’s digest version of the date is that JJ’s tattoo is as stupid and inconsequential as he is, Clint is a huge douche and the two of them might just be perfect for each other.

Shawn is hanging low, but I see you. We haven’t forgotten, and neither has she.

The one-on-one is chosen by my main man Chris Harrison, and Kaitlyn and the less important Ben head to a damp basement filled with maggots and pigeons and snakes, oh my! Kaitlyn is almost taken out by a pigeon in the beginning but good thing big hunky Ben is there to remind her it’s just a fucking pigeon. They are given 45 minutes to figure out how to get out of the basement via solving riddles ending in a code to be entered into a computer. And none of you asshats thought to try roses? Seriously.

Kaitlyn in the basement

Their one-on-one time is sweet and meaningful and entirely boring in my opinion. He’s not really quirky or exciting aside from his backstory, which is really his only story at this point. His answers seem well-timed and seemingly rehearsed, which is the complete adverse to Kaitlyn. I just don’t get the butterflies with this one.

Oh, wait. I completely forgot about Tony until just now.

Multiple personalities Tony can’t seem to let go of his inner healer, although he keeps threatening to destroy people in the sumo match and then yells for an entire day about how he loves rainbows. This man is complex. He has the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy, guys. He just couldn’t continue to be a part of this circus anymore (you’re the one who wanted to go to the zoo, dude). Anyway, Tony and his stoner hoodie meet Kaitlyn at the hotel to tell her he’s leaving and Kaitlyn tentatively hugs him for fear he might shank her.

Side bar, did anyone else hear Kupah say to the producer, “Three days and I’m going home? I didn’t come here for this!” Thank you, Kupah, for shedding light on the fact that these people have been here less than a full calendar week and are already bach shit crazy.

Onto the final group date.

Kaitlyn and a crowd of child actors team up to bring to light the fact that America is doing a shitty job of those 5^th grade body talks at school. These men had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, except for the dreamboat that is Ben H. My 45-year-old health teacher gave me the chat at school. All I’m saying is that if Ben H. was my teacher, things might’ve gone a little differently.

That man is fine.

The entire experience was hilarious, especially the part where Kaitlyn didn’t let them in on the joke. Tanner and Jared got very little airtime, probably because they were god awful and Jared’s cheekbones were likely frightening the children. My #2 main squeeze, Joshua, tried his darndest, but lord does that man need some guidance. Ryan—I know, I didn’t know who he was either—was pretty darn funny but also completely unhelpful. Then, like the beacon of light that he is, Ben H. got up and showed everybody how it is done.

Ben H. got the group rose, and that’s all that really matters from the after party.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Clint and JJ are both really into themselves and really into each other. Both men like to think they are smarter than every other guy in the house, and also share in the fact that neither of them is correct as displayed through the intense turtle conversation in the hot tub.

Let that last statement sink in.

We’ve seen guys latch onto each other in previous seasons, but never quite in this fashion. What’s more is that the men of the house are not following traditional Bachelor villain rules. The rules clearly state that:

   There is one main villain in the house.

   This villain is complained about in weeks 1-4 but cannot be brought up to the Bachelor(ette) until at least week 5.

   Only one poor soul sacrifices his or herself for the good of mankind by telling the Bachelor(ette) what is happening.

   That poor soul is let go within 5-7 business days.

In a strange turn of events, the buy-one-get-one-free douche sale gifted us both JJ AND Clint this season, and what’s more, the men of the house are not waiting around to tell Kaitlyn that they suck. Sadly, Kaitlyn only heard the part where Clint is a scumbag, and somehow JJ gets off unscathed….for now.

Another week without a conclusive rose ceremony, but here’s what we know so far:

The Bens and Shawn are safe. That leaves:

Ryan

Jonathan

Justin

Corey

Jared

Joe

JJ

Clint

Ian

Joshua

Tanner

Cupcake

Assuming Clint gets the boot, my next guesses would include Corey, Jonathan, Tanner and Justin for execution. It will probably only be one other guy this week, and I’m kind of hoping it’s Jonathan because, frankly, his eyes alarm me.

Next week, Nick Viall shows up. This can only mean bad things in Bachelorette world, because the only thing worse than a villain from another season is a villain from another season in a stupid pullover.

Villains gotta vill.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 3

Last night was pretty crazy, right? We had some boxing, some bad jokes, and a childhood Little Mermaid fantasy come true. What more could you ask for? A series of male meltdowns, you say? Well alright, then. Let’s not waste any more time!

Let me be frank; I was in a pretty bad mood last night going into the show and as a result consumed several glasses of red wine during the episode, so please don’t submit this to anyone as a representation of my writing ability. This is sure to be one of the more spotty versions of the episode floating around the interweb. Onward!

We open with the tried-and-true shot of Kaitlyn “waking” in the morning and staring out the window trying to remember the guy’s names. Chris Harrison comes to visit because he is contractually obligated to ask if she sees this working and to share that she is already off to a worse start than Chris Soules with kissing too many people. Kaitlyn shrugs it off and basically tells Chris Harrison that if she feels a connection, she’s going to act on it. See also: sleeps with someone midday later this season.

Side note: this episode was definitely filmed in California and definitely not filmed in Autumn, but the foliage in the background was giving me life. I wanted to wear a dark lip and earthy nudes to work today because that shot made me feel so nostalgic for fall. But then I woke up late and work a sundress I bought at Costco and chapstick. Maybe next time.

Back at the ranch, the men are jumping on beds and drinking manly mimosas in the kitchen. Chris Harrison comes in wearing a—wait for it—purple oxford with zipper pockets and tells them about the week. “There will be some dates and probably some fighting and not nearly enough airtime for me, so here’s a card. Bye.”

The date card says something about the date ending with a ring, and all of the rejects plus the Bens pile into the car and head to some desolate location where they practice boxing and then beat each other up in front of Californians who volunteered to stand around and watch. In the end, it comes down to Ben Z. the tank and Jared the emo restaurant manager who duke it out for Kaitlyn’s affection. I half-expected Jared to use his pointy cheekbones as his secret weapon, but he didn’t even get the chance once Ben Z. laid into him. The medic was concerned about his pupils’ response time, so off to the hospital went Jared while Ben Z. snagged the group date rose and several minutes of smooching with Kaitlyn. “Ben Z. is just a hunk of a man!” However, nothing will get you noticed like a secret roadside rendezvous, so Jared and his completely horrendous wardrobe met Kaitlyn outside for a quick “walk” also known as making out with his eyes open and then disappearing into the night like the true superhero he is.

They’re showing a lot of Tanner this week. Who is Tanner and why does he look so much cuter this week?

Cut to the ranch where JJ, cross-legged and clad in loafers, is swirling red wine and letting everybody know that he is not worried and is most likely getting the one-on-one. Which he doesn’t. In fact, it goes to Clint, the hulk lookalike who seems to get more attractive as time goes on. He also drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops. What more do you want from the guy?

The date is an underwater photo shoot which immediately made me wish America’s Next Top Model was in season. Kaitlyn struggles to be underwater without holding her nose and the pictures are downright terrible for the most part. There were a few good ones towards the end, but overall this whole experience seemed like a waste of three very expensive ball gowns. They seemed to enjoy themselves, though, and after a rooftop dinner (that I completely missed because I knocked my wine glass over and had to run to the kitchen to get paper towels to mop it up), Clint gets the rose and some more kisses from Kaitlyn. “Clint is just a hunk of a man!” Now where have we heard this before…

Back at the ranch, Tony is mad, you guys. No date should involve violence, and as someone with a black eye, he would know. He’s just not in the mood for healing, okay? The date card comes for the third and final date, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, Tony’s name is on the date card.

The guys are doing standup in front of a crowd for this date, and they get a chance to practice their jokes with some comedians ahead of time. Cupcake is sweating right through his clinical strength Secret deodorant and has no idea how to be funny or impress Kaitlyn while JJ thinks he has this in the bag.  Amy Schumer was the whole reason for this episode.

JJ: I think I’m smarter than, like, 90% of the audience, so I don’t know if they’ll get my jokes.

Amy: You’re not smarter than, like, 90% of ants in America, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

As it turned out, everybody seemed to do okay with the jokes besides Tony, who has apparently never heard a joke in his life and completely misunderstood the assignment. To help combat this later, he tells Kaitlyn that he was afraid of her at first, which is totally the way to win a woman’s heart. That and call her crazy. That works, too.

Through some strange twist of fate, JJ gets the group date rose and everyone in America let out a collective sigh. ABC is highlighting it way too much for him to make it much further without somebody making the ultimate sacrifice and telling Kaitlyn about him, but I don’t know how much longer that will take. I completely believe that Kaitlyn has no idea he’s a douche yet, but I can’t wait to see what she does with the info when she receives it.

Cocktail party time.

Three men didn’t get dates this week, so the guys agree to give Shawn, Cory and Ryan the first chance to talk to Kaitlyn. However, JJ has made it his personal mission to piss off every possible person in this cast, and so far he’s executing it beautifully. Tony is straight-up losing his mind over JJ getting the group rose, and I felt bad enjoying Tony’s shame-spiral. Just when I was getting comfortable….

Kupah.

That conversation was doomed from the start. If his intention was to feel her out and see if they had a connection, he failed. He came in fast and furious and I think forgot for a second who the main character of this story was. Not to mention his not-so-subtle dig at ABC for being the token black guy this season and his dislike for, and I quote, “Looking good on a roster.” Kaitlyn gave zero fucks about telling him flat out that he actually ruined his chances in the last 3 minutes and that she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do.

By all means, go outside and tell anyone who will listen about your epic failure of a conversation and do it so loudly that Kaitlyn can hear you from clear across the mansion. He deserved to be let go, although by the looks of it, he might very well still be standing out front of the mansion right now.

My guesses? I think with Kupah being exiled, we only will say goodbye to two men next week. If I had to choose, it would be Tony and Jonathan because Tony is a wack-a-doodle and Jonathan’s creepy eyes need to go. Not to mention that he really hasn’t done much else of value.  I would also not be sad to see Justin go, strictly because he named his kid Aurelius and also has gigantic lips. Corey can go, too. He’s the one that looks like a busted Rob Lowe.

How will next week go? Will Kupah ever leave the Bachelor mansion? Will Tony’s head explode? Will we ever get an episode that has dates AND a rose ceremony in one? Find out next Monday on the Bachelorette!

p.s. Britt and Brady hung out this episode. 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Episode 2

This episode was nothing if not a perfect beginning to what may finally turn out to be the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette to date. Sister wives?  Special guests? Slut-shaming? How could it not be?

We open up with Chris Harrison sharing the bad news (or good news, depending on your stance) with the ousted Bachelorette. Now, if you’re as avid a Bach fan as I, you would’ve known who he was going to talk to first based on which direction he exited the mansion. The last clip of Monday’s episode was him coming out of the house and bearing left alongside the pool. I knew Monday night he was headed to talk to Britt, who was posted up by the outdoor fireplace to the left of the pool, to break the bad news to her first. Call me crazy, but I can’t help the attention to detail.

He wasted no time in telling her, but the way he did it was just brilliant. "I counted the votes. The majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with," he said. "Britt, unfortunately, you are not the Bachelorette."

This was me: 

Nobody was more shocked than Britt, who took a few moments to process it a la Elle Woods. “I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you just say?” You’re out of here, sweetie. Chris Harrison wasted no time at all and walked her right out to the shiny driveway. See you at the finale, ma’am.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is inches from blowing chunks all over the patio waiting for Chris to come give her the news. Chris Harrison clearly enjoys playing with people’s heartstrings as he told her, “I counted the votes and unfortunately Kaitlyn... (dramatic pause) "I had to send Britt home. You're going to be the Bachelorette." Kaitlyn was genuinely excited and did what any of us would do in that situation: call our mom.

Kaitlyn is in shock but fairly certain, like so many before her, that her husband was inside that mansion. (I don’t know why more people aren’t concerned when they say things like this night one, by the way. It’s the equivalent to saying, “I’ll be right back,” in a horror flick. Bad juju. But, I digress.) Chris Harrison reminds Kaitlyn that she has the rose ceremony still to do (“Oh, I have to do that?”) and asks her to stay on the couch and think for a moment (see also: we need b-roll of you sitting here).

Interestingly enough, most of the men I was taken with initially voted for Kaitlyn, which I’m hoping means they stick around a while longer. My men of note include Joshua the welder, Chris the dentist, and Ben H. That man is fine.

Moving with the times, our Bachelor lingo has changed a bit in this season. He voted for Britt is the new here for the wrong reasons. It’s getting added to the drinking game, for sure. We’re also going to hear a whole lot of guy-whining, or so it would seem. ABC has already started to show some clever footage with voiceovers (yea, I see you!) so we won’t know for a few more weeks who exactly are frontrunners and who is getting left behind. Here are my initial thoughts:

Kaitlyn is outgoing and extremely forward. She told more than one guy last night that she was into them and had no reservations about doing so. She caught JJ completely off guard which I loved. On the other hand, Shawn (Calvin Harris and Ryan Gosling’s lovechild) seemed pretty unfazed by her admission. She’s clearly very physically attracted to those two and Ben Z. the other personal trainer (By the way, if I ever become the Bachelorette, please don’t send any personal trainers. Thanks.). Does this mean eternal love? Not necessarily. The winner of the first-impression rose has only been the overall victor once.

Nice guys don’t have to finish last and it seems that the self-proclaimed Love-Man sticks around for a decent timeline judging by the season highlights along with dentist Chris, who made a few appearances in the footage. Other cameos were made by the Hulk Clint, who can be seen jumping into a pool and fighting with JJ later on this season. By the way, JJ is totally here to find a stepmother for his daughter, okay guys? 

Not at all as exciting as the admission that Kaitlyn and one of the guys DID IT before the fantasy suite. Now, in past seasons, it isn’t unusual for one or two guys to get dates that turn INTO overnights before the finale week. Who remembers the time they went camping and Ashley I. tried to suffocate Chris Soules with her face? But, judging by the video—which could be very misleading—it seems like there were quite a few guys still around when she rounded them up for that chat. Which means we won’t have to wait all that long.

Everyone seems to be asking the same question about last night; why the hell would anybody willingly allow Nick Viall to come on your season? He was trouble on Andi’s season, he was a problem at After The Final Rose, and his last name is VIALL for goodness sake. Take the hint, lady! He and Kaitlyn must have met previously because that is way too weird for him to show up like that in his godforsaken quarter-zip pullover.

Here are some predictions:

Long haulers: Ben H., Ben Z., Chris, Jared, JJ, Shawn B.

What are you still doing here: Kupah, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Tanner, Tony, Daniel, Justin

Dark horses: Cory, Joe, Joshua, Ryan B.

Ian? Don’t know where you fall. Can’t tell if you’re actually telling her off in the preview or if that was just cleverly edited. Reminds me a little bit of James Case from Des’ season in that way. Seems genuine now but may be kind of phony? And while we’re at it, a few more parallels for this season:

Chris the Cupcake IS Drew Kenney (also from Des’ season). Too nice for his own good, impeccable teeth and hair gel abilities.

Cory is a long lost relative of Kirk DeWindt from Ali Fedotowosky’s season.

Welder Joshua seems kind and sincere and faintly reminiscent of Cape Cod Chris, also from Ali’s season. The one that got away…

Ben Z. reminds me of Bryden from Des’ season, no?

Kupah is the Genie from Aladdin on Broadway.

Okay, enough with this. I’m off to a sushi date. I need to know everyone’s top 3 (for yourself AND for Kaitlyn). Post them on my FB, will ya? Oh, and if any of you list Ben H. on your list, I will find you. 

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Premiere

Guys.

It’s back.

As Dancing with the Stars comes to a fantastic close, it is time again for us to open up our hearts and homes to 25 of America’s most eligible all-American Bachelors. And after last night’s episode, it’s no wonder that the rest of the world hates America.

As if the entire premise of the Bachelorette isn’t weird enough, ABC’s latest attempt at Sister Wives the show took a turn for the worst earlier this year when nobody could decide which woman from Chris’ season would be the best fit. And by fit, I do mean who would bring in the most ratings. In my own circles, Kaitlyn was the clear victor; beautiful, funny, a little guarded and crass at times, but definitely the most interesting. Britt, on the other hand (if you have one) is a little too idealistic and oblivious for me. Pair that with her absolute breakdown(s) last season and you have quite the recipe for disaster.

But nobody asked little old me, so we moved into last night with two bachelorettes and zero clue how this was gonna pan out.

Chris Harrison starts us off detailing how this historic night will unfold. “Will this be painful and a bit awkward? Yes. But that’s what we get paid to do and by golly I’m gonna do it.”

ABC shows a video package of both women from last season, making each of them look like complete idiots. To make matters worse, both women had the same hairstyle last night. Did ya catch that? I was appalled. Could you not afford a whole package of bobby pins, ABC? Why did they each only get half of their hair back?

But what ABC lacked in bobby pins they made up for in transportation as both women traveled from the very same hotel in their very own stretch limo. Both women greet Chris Harrison and, if I’m not mistaken, Chris Harrison showed a tiny bit of favoritism towards Kaitlyn. I kind of always imagined Chris Harrison being on the Kaitlyn side of that debate. He seems pretty realistic about these things.

The men arrive one by one and ABC’s clever editing makes it seem like most of limos one and two favored Britt. But, if you’ve learned anything from me over the last few seasons, I hope you’ve learned to watch out for ABC’s clever ruses.  Regardless, how incredibly awkward to be standing there during those exchanges. I appreciate that Kaitlyn took it on the chin, and I think, judging by the way Britt freaked out when Kaitlyn went inside briefly, we know that she’s not as cool, calm and collected as she pretends to be.

Slight disclaimer: if you follow me on snapchat, you will notice that my viewing partner, Mary, and I live snap alllll of our opinions at the commercials. Mary is really the star of the show, so if you don’t follow me, you really should just to hear her talk about these idiots.

Snapchat: onehandwonder

Anyway, here are a few men of note. Use this link if you don’t remember anybody at all.

Jonathan: the single dad who was the only one not in a suit last night and is team Britt.

Joshua the welder: He’s adorable. A little bit country and that’s just fine. P.S. did that rose he welded remind anybody else of the Aladdin sequel? No?

Brady- The baseball player-turned musician from Nashville who talked about rainbows and unicorns and love during his interview. He’s perfect for Britt, that’s all I’m saying. If she’s not the bachelorette, those two can run off into the sunset together.

Ian: The runner from Princeton who wore capris and that’s basically all I know because I got distracted by the capris.

The healer: America was laughing at him and then he and his black eye wooed Britt. What the hell is going on.

Ben Z- Personal trainer whose mother died, also confronted drunkpants for touching Kaitlyn’s butt,

mostly because he was jealous.

Ben H- I don’t know anything about this man but he can stay. Forever.

Kupah- formerly of Mario Party.

JJ- Made the puck joke which was great. Then made me really irritated throughout the night as he grew more and more pompous. Just strikes me as kind of a doucher.

Joe is a precious angel whose picture on ABC.com does not do him justice.

Chris- The man who came out of a cupcake. Adorable.

The conversations were all pretty good. Obviously, that drunk man needed to go. Did you know he’s Nikki Ferrell’s ex? To go from him to Juan Pablo… What ever did this poor girl do in a previous life to deserve such a lot?

In the end, I think tonight will be very exciting. The big reveal, the first cuts and probably not much else seeing as it’s only on for 42 minutes tonight. Will any men leave once they know who the Bachelorette will be? Will Britt’s famous red lipstick return? Will Chris Harrison even actually ride a triceratops? Find out tonight on the Bachelorette on ABC. 

Lilly Pulitzer for Target Experience

Let’s talk Lilly.

If you didn’t know, the Lilly Pulitzer line launched a limited-time engagement sale at Target stores yesterday. This was highly publicized on TV and online and even Sex and the City’s Mr. Big got involved in a Gatsby-meets-Florida pool party commercial that could make just about anybody thirsty for pink lemonade. The problem, though, is that there wasn’t enough floral to go around.

In the weeks leading up to the launch, bloggers were reporting that the online site would go live between 12 and 2 a.m. on April 19^th and Target stores would open at their regular Sunday time of 8 a.m. The brand put out a “look book” on the Target website and select beauty sites had photos of the 250-piece collection online for anyone to view. Many women—myself included—had already mapped out their must-haves from the collection.

Then the bad news began to roll in.

Each Target store would only get one shipment of the collection and when it was exhausted, it was gone forever. In addition, not every Target store would get the same volume, so your local Target might not have been your best option. Then there was the sizing issue; no size charts were released online to answer the popular question, “Will these sizes reflect Lilly or Target sizing?” Lilly generally only carried up to size 16 and a slender 16 at that. I expect that many curvy ladies stayed home because nobody mentioned that Target would carry up to a Target size 18 in store. Bummer.

Before I get into my experience, let me just say that my time at Target was better than most shoppers’ yesterday. I am thankful to say that I am part of the minority who left the store happy on Sunday, but the system was definitely flawed and I can certainly empathize for the thousands of women out there who left empty-handed. After so much buildup, to leave the store without so much as a phone case would have made my blood boil. For all of you out there who had this problem, we can always pray that Lilly does this again next year and increases the quantity online and in-store. Based on the immediate negative reaction from shoppers, The Lilly website is offering a “mystery gift” to anybody who buys something today or tomorrow. I think it is safe to say that more Lilly isn’t completely out of the question for the future.

My experience with the Lilly for Target Sale

On Saturday night I returned home from the Phi Sigma Sigma formal at 12:05 a.m. I immediately changed into online shopping sweatpants and hit the Target website. The Lilly site hadn’t launched, so I browsed youtube until around 1:15 a.m. Still no website, so I went to sleep with my MasterCard on my bedside table. While I was in REM cycle, one million screaming Lilly fans crashed the Target website and prolonged the web launch—which was scheduled for 3 a.m. I later found out—until almost 6 a.m. When my internal clocked rolled me over at 6:30, the entire website was sold out. Not even a head scarf remained, and I knew right then I had to get up and go to Target.

I pulled into the Cedar Crest Target at 7:17 and a line of only 12-15 people had formed. I took my spot in line, waited for 8:00 and befriended every monogram-toting girl there. Rick, the poor soul who had to open the doors for us, made everyone promise to walk, not run, to the display. The doors opened and in true hunger games fashion, everyone took off sprinting. I’m talking women (and men) ages 40 and up full-on running to the display. I am not cleared to run until May, so I only walked briskly. Okay, maybe I ran the last few yards, but don’t tell my Physical Therapist.

If I had to describe this experience succinctly, I would say that it was madness. Pure madness.

As I remember, and it IS fuzzy, there were only three racks of clothing. By the time I got to racks, the first rack—which housed most of the dresses—was completely swallowed up by mother-daughter duos grabbing every size and color. I moved onto the second rack and saw the beloved pineapple sandals I had been coveting on the look book for weeks. I promised myself I would walk out with at least the sandals. There were only one pair of 9s at that point and they were going to belong to ME.

As a former employee of Target and avid Target shopper, I immediately noticed the blue and fuchsia hanger tags which mean size 18, XL or XXL. I’m immediately elated that I can go absolutely bananas and buy everything in my size. Unfortunately, by the time I squat down to get the sandals and stand up, most of the rack is clear. I grab as many blue and fuchsia hangers as I can see and by the time I could even move over to the first rack, everything is gone. There were styles that I knew existed from the website that I never even saw in the store. It was as if the Target staff had never put out the racks at all. Not even a bracelet remained on the display. Tumbleweeds were going by.

The crowd had now moved over to the dressing room line, which extended back to home goods, and everyone was buzzing over their finds. Everyone except for the people who had walked in around 8:03, that is. Those people were definitely confused and upset. The people who had rushed to the Lilly home goods first were coming back up to check out with their nineteen chair cushions, deck umbrellas and plate sets. By the time I even meandered by, all that remained was a box of pineapple wine glass charms.

I went and hid in the toilet paper aisle to call my mom. “What are you doing up so early?” I told her about my experience and she laughed at me. “Whose child are you?” She always asks me this when I go into a frenzy about something like this. After a half hour, I made my way back to the front of the store to try on my finds. Everything fit, which is unusual but certainly welcome, and I decided to walk back over to the racks to see what had been replaced. What I found wasn’t clothes but a dozen women perched like vultures waiting intently for the fitting room attendant to return with discarded items. I befriended a girl who had come late and gave her one of my dresses. She was thankful, and went to the fitting room to try on. I saw her buy it later, which made me happy.

After about 20 more minutes, the frenzy had cleared and I was ready to officially check out. A few gift cards and what was left of my tax return later, I left Target feeling successful and ready for coffee. Within an hour, the internet exploded with horror stories from other Targets nationwide and women who were outraged that the Target website wasn’t better stocked. All I can say is that I’m glad all the Muhlenberg College kids stayed in bed so I could get those pineapple sandals.

Bachelor Chris; Week 10

Church? Barn? 

Catherine Lowe tweeted that we forgot quickly that the Bachelor found love because we were so enamored with the new decision about the Bachelorette. I couldn’t agree more. I kind of forgot who Whitney and Chris were in a burst of rage around 10:51 Monday night.  Two Bachelorettes? That’s weird. Not to mention that ABC did this once befor

e and it was equally weird. Does anyone remember Byron the bachelor? Didn’t think so.

Before I go absolutely berserk about ABCs latest calamity, I guess I should spend some time dissecting the actual finale. Although I don’t think anybody questioned what the outcome would be, did they? I mean, Chris is nothing if not a basic white girl. Basic white girls are needy. Whitney is all about the giving. Case closed.

Whitney went to Iowa (again) and met his family (again) and cried (again and again). His family loved her, but more than that they loved how direct she was.

“I will move here. I will get married here. We will have weekly dinners. We will have corn-shaped babies.”

Whit is not a speak-when-spoken to kind of gal, and she has no problem coming right in and toasting to herself at dinner. Now that she’s said the “L” word out loud, nobody is safe. She’ll tell his mother, his brother, his sister and his friends. Tell the others, his lovers, better not be present tense. She wants everyone to know that you are hers and no one else’s (shameless Christina Aguilera reference, guilty as charged). But seriously, she is going to tell everyone in Arlington that she’s in love with Chris.

Which should take about ten minutes.

Whitney killed it. Her answered were prepped and ready to go. Aunt Mae had no room for rebuttal, and they probably discussed Thanksgiving plans when the cameras weren’t looking. The sisters couldn’t stump her at all, either, and they probably made friendship bracelets during commercial breaks. His family was ready to call the whole thing off until they remembered somebody else was coming to dinner the next night. 

In the tool shed, the men in the family discuss the thrill of the chase and if Becca is really wife potential or if she is just intriguing. Chris, surprisingly, cannot articulate what it is about Becca he likes, citing her athleticism as one of the three features he mentions. Yikes.

Becca is striking, this much is true. Every time I see her I am reminded of how pretty she is. But she’s kind of a male version of Chris, what with all the incomplete sentences and confusion about feelings. Her date seemed to be going well, though, as she made Aunt Mae Chris’ mom cackle over a few Iowa jokes at the dinner table. Seriously, though, why does ABC never show people eating on this show? Aside from the awkward chocolate-syrup-incident with Carly a few weeks back, everyone is starving. Then the sisters sat Becca down and shit got real.

Sisters: So, like, do you love him?

Becca: I don’t know. It has only been two months.

Sisters: So, like, would you move here?

Becca: Maybe eventually (see also: hell no).  

Remarkably, Chris’ mom sensed the chemistry between them, which is good because nobody else did. She sat Becca down and basically told her that she was in love god damnit and stop telling everybody you don’t know how you feel. Not get out back and plow those fields.

The very next day, Chris visited Becca at her hotel to badger her with questions about why she wasn’t in love with him. She still didn’t know. Could everyone just stop asking her? She literally doesn’t know anything. This encounter was really awkward. It was pretty clear that if Becca would’ve just said, “I love you,” Chris may have just picked her right then and there. It seemed the whole episode that he and his family were pushing her to commit to something she just wasn’t ready to label. But good for you, Glen Coco, for standing up for yourself. In most cases, families don’t want their children to get engaged after 3 months. I guess they do things differently in Iowa.

The next afternoon, Whitney joined Chris and Gary on the farm to play in a tractor. Whitney has been really excited about a lot of irrelevant things this season, and last night way no different.

“WE’RE PICKING CORN?!” JK this machine is picking corn. You’re just going to bump along.

 They have a perfect day and back at the Hotel Julien, Whitney tells Chris she’s sure he is the one because he doesn’t have to say anything and she knows what he’s thinking.

Well at least somebody does.

The day of the big decision is here, and Chris’ barn has never looked better. Even the horses outside

looked pretty happy. Becca arrives in her stunning velvet dress and all I could think was how amazing it would be if she burst into tears and confessed her love to him. Instead, when she got to the top of the stairs, she didn’t say anything and let Chris do all the talking. And there really wasn’t all that much to say. The whole if it took maybe 4 minutes. She was classy, he was thankful, she left, the end.

Whitney on the other hand, was hysterical in the limo. She was so terrified. I felt bad for her! Homegirl could not stop blinking. She made her way to the top of the stairs and immediately started on the speech she had prepared. I was proud that Chris didn’t smile too much to give it away. I was hoping he would go for some dramatic “…but…” in his speech but he did not. Instead, he was pretty straightforward and told Whitney that he wanted her for the rest of his life. They sat in a barn window which was actually really cute and kind of my dream and I’m a little bitter about it and down the road come Gary and Linda. Foreshadowing of Chris and Whitney in years to come? I sure hope so.

After the Finale Rose was pretty much what you’d expect. Becca was gorgeous and Chris had this look of sadness in his eyes when she came on stage. Becca actually thanked Chris for the experience because now she’s ready for actual, normally-paced, not-on-a-farm love. We are too, Becca. Let’s hope we see you on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

Whitney catapulted on the stage and the two she talked about how she sneaks to Iowa and hangs out with his family. Ma’am, there’s no sneaking to Arlington. You could be driving naked in a convertible and still nobody would notice you out there. Whitney tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t watch the show, because she’s smart and doesn’t want to freak the freak out on him for all of his Brittscapades this season. Chris Harrison is bored, so he brings out a cow. Or something like that. And they lived happily ever after (until their ABC farm wedding in Summer 2016).

Now., onto what really matters.

This Bachelorette shiz is not okay with me, but I’m sure you all know this by now. When I’m wrong,

I’ll say that I’m wrong and I was wrong about Kaitlyn in the beginning. I didn’t find her fun or enjoyable to watch, but as time went on and her true colors shined through, I think she’s definitely the obvious and only choice for a fresh Bachelorette season. Britt on the other hand was enjoyable to watch until her real colors shined through and now I can never name my child Britney. That’s how serious this has become.

ABC is sending mixed messages with all of this nonsense. Word on the street is that Andi’s season kind of blew in the ratings department and they are trying to generate viewers for the upcoming run. We know that the Bachelorette is mostly watched by women, though, right? You want to pick someone likeable. That is, likeable by women. I think we can all guestimate that with only the first night to get to know them, men are going to be really taken with Britt and her big hair. Unless we have some true fans of the show that saw this barnyard explosion of a season, I shudder to think of Britt as the Bachelorette. Or, in simpler terms, the first season of the show that I will not be watching.

So that’s it, people! Another one for the books. Season 19 is a wrap, and now we’re on to the Bachelorette and my person favorite, Bachelor in Paradise. Let the speculation begin.

Until next time…

xoxo