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| Church? Barn? |
Catherine Lowe tweeted that we forgot quickly that the
Bachelor found love because we were so enamored with the new decision about the
Bachelorette. I couldn’t agree more. I kind of forgot who Whitney and Chris
were in a burst of rage around 10:51 Monday night. Two Bachelorettes? That’s weird. Not to
mention that ABC did this once befor
e and it was equally weird. Does anyone
remember Byron the bachelor? Didn’t think so.
Before I go absolutely berserk about ABCs latest calamity, I guess I
should spend some time dissecting the actual
finale. Although I don’t think anybody questioned what the outcome would be,
did they? I mean, Chris is nothing if not a basic white girl. Basic white girls
are needy. Whitney is all about the giving. Case closed.
Whitney went to Iowa (again) and met his family (again) and cried
(again and again). His family loved her, but more than that they loved how
direct she was.
“I will move here. I will get married here. We will have
weekly dinners. We will have corn-shaped babies.”
Whit is not a speak-when-spoken to kind of gal, and she has
no problem coming right in and toasting to herself at dinner. Now that she’s
said the “L” word out loud, nobody is safe. She’ll tell his mother, his
brother, his sister and his friends. Tell the others, his lovers, better not be
present tense. She wants everyone to know that you are hers and no one else’s
(shameless Christina Aguilera reference, guilty as charged). But seriously, she
is going to tell everyone in Arlington that she’s in love with Chris.
Which should take
about ten minutes.
Whitney killed it. Her answered were prepped and ready to
go. Aunt Mae had no room for rebuttal, and they probably discussed Thanksgiving
plans when the cameras weren’t looking. The sisters couldn’t stump her at all,
either, and they probably made friendship bracelets during commercial breaks. His
family was ready to call the whole thing off until they remembered somebody
else was coming to dinner the next night.
In the tool shed, the men in the
family discuss the thrill of the chase and if Becca is really wife potential or
if she is just intriguing. Chris, surprisingly, cannot articulate what
it is about Becca he likes, citing her athleticism as one of the three features
he mentions. Yikes.
Becca is striking, this much is true. Every time I see her I
am reminded of how pretty she is. But she’s kind of a male version of Chris, what with all the incomplete sentences and confusion about feelings. Her date seemed to be going well, though, as she made
Sisters: So, like, do you love him?
Becca: I don’t know. It has only been two months.
Sisters: So, like, would you move here?
Becca: Maybe eventually (see also: hell no).
Remarkably, Chris’ mom sensed the chemistry between them,
which is good because nobody else did. She sat Becca down and basically told
her that she was in love god damnit and stop telling everybody you don’t know
how you feel. Not get out back and plow those fields.
The very next day, Chris visited Becca at her hotel to
badger her with questions about why she wasn’t in love with him. She still didn’t
know. Could everyone just stop asking her? She literally doesn’t know anything.
This encounter was really awkward. It was pretty clear that if Becca would’ve
just said, “I love you,” Chris may have just picked her right then and there.
It seemed the whole episode that he and his family were pushing her to commit to
something she just wasn’t ready to label. But good for you, Glen Coco, for
standing up for yourself. In most cases, families don’t want their children to
get engaged after 3 months. I guess they do things differently in Iowa.
The next afternoon, Whitney joined Chris and Gary on the
farm to play in a tractor. Whitney has been really excited about a lot of irrelevant
things this season, and last night way no different.
“WE’RE PICKING CORN?!” JK this machine is picking corn. You’re
just going to bump along.
They have a perfect
day and back at the Hotel Julien, Whitney tells Chris she’s sure he is the one
because he doesn’t have to say anything and she knows what he’s thinking.
Well at least somebody does.
The day of the big decision is here, and Chris’ barn has
never looked better. Even the horses outside
looked pretty happy. Becca arrives
in her stunning velvet dress and all I could think was how amazing it would be
if she burst into tears and confessed her love to him. Instead, when she got to
the top of the stairs, she didn’t say anything and let Chris do all the
talking. And there really wasn’t all that much to say. The whole if it took
maybe 4 minutes. She was classy, he was thankful, she left, the end. 
Whitney on the other hand, was hysterical in the limo. She
was so terrified. I felt bad for her! Homegirl could not stop blinking. She
made her way to the top of the stairs and immediately started on the speech she
had prepared. I was proud that Chris didn’t smile too much to give it away. I
was hoping he would go for some dramatic “…but…” in his speech but he did not.
Instead, he was pretty straightforward and told Whitney that he wanted her for
the rest of his life. They sat in a barn window which was actually really cute
and kind of my dream and I’m a little bitter about it and down the road come
Gary and Linda. Foreshadowing of Chris and Whitney in years to come? I sure
hope so.
After the Finale Rose was pretty much what you’d expect.
Becca was gorgeous and Chris had this look of sadness in his eyes when she came
on stage. Becca actually thanked
Chris for the experience because now she’s ready for actual, normally-paced,
not-on-a-farm love. We are too, Becca. Let’s hope we see you on Bachelor in
Paradise this summer.
Whitney catapulted on
the stage and the two she talked about how she sneaks to Iowa and hangs
out with his family. Ma’am, there’s no sneaking to Arlington. You could be
driving naked in a convertible and still nobody would notice you out there.
Whitney tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t watch the show, because she’s
smart and doesn’t want to freak the freak out on him for all of his
Brittscapades this season. Chris Harrison is bored, so he brings out a cow. Or
something like that. And they lived happily ever after (until their ABC farm
wedding in Summer 2016).
Now., onto what really matters.
This Bachelorette shiz is not okay with me, but I’m sure you
all know this by now. When I’m wrong,
I’ll say that I’m wrong and I was wrong
about Kaitlyn in the beginning. I didn’t find her fun or enjoyable to watch,
but as time went on and her true colors shined through, I think she’s
definitely the obvious and only choice for a fresh Bachelorette season. Britt
on the other hand was enjoyable to watch until her real colors shined through and
now I can never name my child Britney. That’s how serious this has become.
ABC is sending mixed messages with all of this nonsense.
Word on the street is that Andi’s season kind of blew in the ratings department
and they are trying to generate viewers for the upcoming run. We know that the
Bachelorette is mostly watched by women, though, right? You want to pick
someone likeable. That is, likeable by women. I think we can all guestimate
that with only the first night to get to know them, men are going to be really
taken with Britt and her big hair. Unless we have some true fans of the show that
saw this barnyard explosion of a season, I shudder to think of Britt as the
Bachelorette. Or, in simpler terms, the first season of the show that I will
not be watching.
So that’s it, people! Another one for the books. Season 19
is a wrap, and now we’re on to the Bachelorette and my person favorite,
Bachelor in Paradise. Let the speculation begin.
Until next time…
xoxo
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