Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 3

Last night was pretty crazy, right? We had some boxing, some bad jokes, and a childhood Little Mermaid fantasy come true. What more could you ask for? A series of male meltdowns, you say? Well alright, then. Let’s not waste any more time!

Let me be frank; I was in a pretty bad mood last night going into the show and as a result consumed several glasses of red wine during the episode, so please don’t submit this to anyone as a representation of my writing ability. This is sure to be one of the more spotty versions of the episode floating around the interweb. Onward!

We open with the tried-and-true shot of Kaitlyn “waking” in the morning and staring out the window trying to remember the guy’s names. Chris Harrison comes to visit because he is contractually obligated to ask if she sees this working and to share that she is already off to a worse start than Chris Soules with kissing too many people. Kaitlyn shrugs it off and basically tells Chris Harrison that if she feels a connection, she’s going to act on it. See also: sleeps with someone midday later this season.

Side note: this episode was definitely filmed in California and definitely not filmed in Autumn, but the foliage in the background was giving me life. I wanted to wear a dark lip and earthy nudes to work today because that shot made me feel so nostalgic for fall. But then I woke up late and work a sundress I bought at Costco and chapstick. Maybe next time.

Back at the ranch, the men are jumping on beds and drinking manly mimosas in the kitchen. Chris Harrison comes in wearing a—wait for it—purple oxford with zipper pockets and tells them about the week. “There will be some dates and probably some fighting and not nearly enough airtime for me, so here’s a card. Bye.”

The date card says something about the date ending with a ring, and all of the rejects plus the Bens pile into the car and head to some desolate location where they practice boxing and then beat each other up in front of Californians who volunteered to stand around and watch. In the end, it comes down to Ben Z. the tank and Jared the emo restaurant manager who duke it out for Kaitlyn’s affection. I half-expected Jared to use his pointy cheekbones as his secret weapon, but he didn’t even get the chance once Ben Z. laid into him. The medic was concerned about his pupils’ response time, so off to the hospital went Jared while Ben Z. snagged the group date rose and several minutes of smooching with Kaitlyn. “Ben Z. is just a hunk of a man!” However, nothing will get you noticed like a secret roadside rendezvous, so Jared and his completely horrendous wardrobe met Kaitlyn outside for a quick “walk” also known as making out with his eyes open and then disappearing into the night like the true superhero he is.

They’re showing a lot of Tanner this week. Who is Tanner and why does he look so much cuter this week?

Cut to the ranch where JJ, cross-legged and clad in loafers, is swirling red wine and letting everybody know that he is not worried and is most likely getting the one-on-one. Which he doesn’t. In fact, it goes to Clint, the hulk lookalike who seems to get more attractive as time goes on. He also drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops. What more do you want from the guy?

The date is an underwater photo shoot which immediately made me wish America’s Next Top Model was in season. Kaitlyn struggles to be underwater without holding her nose and the pictures are downright terrible for the most part. There were a few good ones towards the end, but overall this whole experience seemed like a waste of three very expensive ball gowns. They seemed to enjoy themselves, though, and after a rooftop dinner (that I completely missed because I knocked my wine glass over and had to run to the kitchen to get paper towels to mop it up), Clint gets the rose and some more kisses from Kaitlyn. “Clint is just a hunk of a man!” Now where have we heard this before…

Back at the ranch, Tony is mad, you guys. No date should involve violence, and as someone with a black eye, he would know. He’s just not in the mood for healing, okay? The date card comes for the third and final date, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, Tony’s name is on the date card.

The guys are doing standup in front of a crowd for this date, and they get a chance to practice their jokes with some comedians ahead of time. Cupcake is sweating right through his clinical strength Secret deodorant and has no idea how to be funny or impress Kaitlyn while JJ thinks he has this in the bag.  Amy Schumer was the whole reason for this episode.

JJ: I think I’m smarter than, like, 90% of the audience, so I don’t know if they’ll get my jokes.

Amy: You’re not smarter than, like, 90% of ants in America, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

As it turned out, everybody seemed to do okay with the jokes besides Tony, who has apparently never heard a joke in his life and completely misunderstood the assignment. To help combat this later, he tells Kaitlyn that he was afraid of her at first, which is totally the way to win a woman’s heart. That and call her crazy. That works, too.

Through some strange twist of fate, JJ gets the group date rose and everyone in America let out a collective sigh. ABC is highlighting it way too much for him to make it much further without somebody making the ultimate sacrifice and telling Kaitlyn about him, but I don’t know how much longer that will take. I completely believe that Kaitlyn has no idea he’s a douche yet, but I can’t wait to see what she does with the info when she receives it.

Cocktail party time.

Three men didn’t get dates this week, so the guys agree to give Shawn, Cory and Ryan the first chance to talk to Kaitlyn. However, JJ has made it his personal mission to piss off every possible person in this cast, and so far he’s executing it beautifully. Tony is straight-up losing his mind over JJ getting the group rose, and I felt bad enjoying Tony’s shame-spiral. Just when I was getting comfortable….

Kupah.

That conversation was doomed from the start. If his intention was to feel her out and see if they had a connection, he failed. He came in fast and furious and I think forgot for a second who the main character of this story was. Not to mention his not-so-subtle dig at ABC for being the token black guy this season and his dislike for, and I quote, “Looking good on a roster.” Kaitlyn gave zero fucks about telling him flat out that he actually ruined his chances in the last 3 minutes and that she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do.

By all means, go outside and tell anyone who will listen about your epic failure of a conversation and do it so loudly that Kaitlyn can hear you from clear across the mansion. He deserved to be let go, although by the looks of it, he might very well still be standing out front of the mansion right now.

My guesses? I think with Kupah being exiled, we only will say goodbye to two men next week. If I had to choose, it would be Tony and Jonathan because Tony is a wack-a-doodle and Jonathan’s creepy eyes need to go. Not to mention that he really hasn’t done much else of value.  I would also not be sad to see Justin go, strictly because he named his kid Aurelius and also has gigantic lips. Corey can go, too. He’s the one that looks like a busted Rob Lowe.

How will next week go? Will Kupah ever leave the Bachelor mansion? Will Tony’s head explode? Will we ever get an episode that has dates AND a rose ceremony in one? Find out next Monday on the Bachelorette!

p.s. Britt and Brady hung out this episode. 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Episode 2

This episode was nothing if not a perfect beginning to what may finally turn out to be the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette to date. Sister wives?  Special guests? Slut-shaming? How could it not be?

We open up with Chris Harrison sharing the bad news (or good news, depending on your stance) with the ousted Bachelorette. Now, if you’re as avid a Bach fan as I, you would’ve known who he was going to talk to first based on which direction he exited the mansion. The last clip of Monday’s episode was him coming out of the house and bearing left alongside the pool. I knew Monday night he was headed to talk to Britt, who was posted up by the outdoor fireplace to the left of the pool, to break the bad news to her first. Call me crazy, but I can’t help the attention to detail.

He wasted no time in telling her, but the way he did it was just brilliant. "I counted the votes. The majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with," he said. "Britt, unfortunately, you are not the Bachelorette."

This was me: 

Nobody was more shocked than Britt, who took a few moments to process it a la Elle Woods. “I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you just say?” You’re out of here, sweetie. Chris Harrison wasted no time at all and walked her right out to the shiny driveway. See you at the finale, ma’am.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is inches from blowing chunks all over the patio waiting for Chris to come give her the news. Chris Harrison clearly enjoys playing with people’s heartstrings as he told her, “I counted the votes and unfortunately Kaitlyn... (dramatic pause) "I had to send Britt home. You're going to be the Bachelorette." Kaitlyn was genuinely excited and did what any of us would do in that situation: call our mom.

Kaitlyn is in shock but fairly certain, like so many before her, that her husband was inside that mansion. (I don’t know why more people aren’t concerned when they say things like this night one, by the way. It’s the equivalent to saying, “I’ll be right back,” in a horror flick. Bad juju. But, I digress.) Chris Harrison reminds Kaitlyn that she has the rose ceremony still to do (“Oh, I have to do that?”) and asks her to stay on the couch and think for a moment (see also: we need b-roll of you sitting here).

Interestingly enough, most of the men I was taken with initially voted for Kaitlyn, which I’m hoping means they stick around a while longer. My men of note include Joshua the welder, Chris the dentist, and Ben H. That man is fine.

Moving with the times, our Bachelor lingo has changed a bit in this season. He voted for Britt is the new here for the wrong reasons. It’s getting added to the drinking game, for sure. We’re also going to hear a whole lot of guy-whining, or so it would seem. ABC has already started to show some clever footage with voiceovers (yea, I see you!) so we won’t know for a few more weeks who exactly are frontrunners and who is getting left behind. Here are my initial thoughts:

Kaitlyn is outgoing and extremely forward. She told more than one guy last night that she was into them and had no reservations about doing so. She caught JJ completely off guard which I loved. On the other hand, Shawn (Calvin Harris and Ryan Gosling’s lovechild) seemed pretty unfazed by her admission. She’s clearly very physically attracted to those two and Ben Z. the other personal trainer (By the way, if I ever become the Bachelorette, please don’t send any personal trainers. Thanks.). Does this mean eternal love? Not necessarily. The winner of the first-impression rose has only been the overall victor once.

Nice guys don’t have to finish last and it seems that the self-proclaimed Love-Man sticks around for a decent timeline judging by the season highlights along with dentist Chris, who made a few appearances in the footage. Other cameos were made by the Hulk Clint, who can be seen jumping into a pool and fighting with JJ later on this season. By the way, JJ is totally here to find a stepmother for his daughter, okay guys? 

Not at all as exciting as the admission that Kaitlyn and one of the guys DID IT before the fantasy suite. Now, in past seasons, it isn’t unusual for one or two guys to get dates that turn INTO overnights before the finale week. Who remembers the time they went camping and Ashley I. tried to suffocate Chris Soules with her face? But, judging by the video—which could be very misleading—it seems like there were quite a few guys still around when she rounded them up for that chat. Which means we won’t have to wait all that long.

Everyone seems to be asking the same question about last night; why the hell would anybody willingly allow Nick Viall to come on your season? He was trouble on Andi’s season, he was a problem at After The Final Rose, and his last name is VIALL for goodness sake. Take the hint, lady! He and Kaitlyn must have met previously because that is way too weird for him to show up like that in his godforsaken quarter-zip pullover.

Here are some predictions:

Long haulers: Ben H., Ben Z., Chris, Jared, JJ, Shawn B.

What are you still doing here: Kupah, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Tanner, Tony, Daniel, Justin

Dark horses: Cory, Joe, Joshua, Ryan B.

Ian? Don’t know where you fall. Can’t tell if you’re actually telling her off in the preview or if that was just cleverly edited. Reminds me a little bit of James Case from Des’ season in that way. Seems genuine now but may be kind of phony? And while we’re at it, a few more parallels for this season:

Chris the Cupcake IS Drew Kenney (also from Des’ season). Too nice for his own good, impeccable teeth and hair gel abilities.

Cory is a long lost relative of Kirk DeWindt from Ali Fedotowosky’s season.

Welder Joshua seems kind and sincere and faintly reminiscent of Cape Cod Chris, also from Ali’s season. The one that got away…

Ben Z. reminds me of Bryden from Des’ season, no?

Kupah is the Genie from Aladdin on Broadway.

Okay, enough with this. I’m off to a sushi date. I need to know everyone’s top 3 (for yourself AND for Kaitlyn). Post them on my FB, will ya? Oh, and if any of you list Ben H. on your list, I will find you. 

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Premiere

Guys.

It’s back.

As Dancing with the Stars comes to a fantastic close, it is time again for us to open up our hearts and homes to 25 of America’s most eligible all-American Bachelors. And after last night’s episode, it’s no wonder that the rest of the world hates America.

As if the entire premise of the Bachelorette isn’t weird enough, ABC’s latest attempt at Sister Wives the show took a turn for the worst earlier this year when nobody could decide which woman from Chris’ season would be the best fit. And by fit, I do mean who would bring in the most ratings. In my own circles, Kaitlyn was the clear victor; beautiful, funny, a little guarded and crass at times, but definitely the most interesting. Britt, on the other hand (if you have one) is a little too idealistic and oblivious for me. Pair that with her absolute breakdown(s) last season and you have quite the recipe for disaster.

But nobody asked little old me, so we moved into last night with two bachelorettes and zero clue how this was gonna pan out.

Chris Harrison starts us off detailing how this historic night will unfold. “Will this be painful and a bit awkward? Yes. But that’s what we get paid to do and by golly I’m gonna do it.”

ABC shows a video package of both women from last season, making each of them look like complete idiots. To make matters worse, both women had the same hairstyle last night. Did ya catch that? I was appalled. Could you not afford a whole package of bobby pins, ABC? Why did they each only get half of their hair back?

But what ABC lacked in bobby pins they made up for in transportation as both women traveled from the very same hotel in their very own stretch limo. Both women greet Chris Harrison and, if I’m not mistaken, Chris Harrison showed a tiny bit of favoritism towards Kaitlyn. I kind of always imagined Chris Harrison being on the Kaitlyn side of that debate. He seems pretty realistic about these things.

The men arrive one by one and ABC’s clever editing makes it seem like most of limos one and two favored Britt. But, if you’ve learned anything from me over the last few seasons, I hope you’ve learned to watch out for ABC’s clever ruses.  Regardless, how incredibly awkward to be standing there during those exchanges. I appreciate that Kaitlyn took it on the chin, and I think, judging by the way Britt freaked out when Kaitlyn went inside briefly, we know that she’s not as cool, calm and collected as she pretends to be.

Slight disclaimer: if you follow me on snapchat, you will notice that my viewing partner, Mary, and I live snap alllll of our opinions at the commercials. Mary is really the star of the show, so if you don’t follow me, you really should just to hear her talk about these idiots.

Snapchat: onehandwonder

Anyway, here are a few men of note. Use this link if you don’t remember anybody at all.

Jonathan: the single dad who was the only one not in a suit last night and is team Britt.

Joshua the welder: He’s adorable. A little bit country and that’s just fine. P.S. did that rose he welded remind anybody else of the Aladdin sequel? No?

Brady- The baseball player-turned musician from Nashville who talked about rainbows and unicorns and love during his interview. He’s perfect for Britt, that’s all I’m saying. If she’s not the bachelorette, those two can run off into the sunset together.

Ian: The runner from Princeton who wore capris and that’s basically all I know because I got distracted by the capris.

The healer: America was laughing at him and then he and his black eye wooed Britt. What the hell is going on.

Ben Z- Personal trainer whose mother died, also confronted drunkpants for touching Kaitlyn’s butt,

mostly because he was jealous.

Ben H- I don’t know anything about this man but he can stay. Forever.

Kupah- formerly of Mario Party.

JJ- Made the puck joke which was great. Then made me really irritated throughout the night as he grew more and more pompous. Just strikes me as kind of a doucher.

Joe is a precious angel whose picture on ABC.com does not do him justice.

Chris- The man who came out of a cupcake. Adorable.

The conversations were all pretty good. Obviously, that drunk man needed to go. Did you know he’s Nikki Ferrell’s ex? To go from him to Juan Pablo… What ever did this poor girl do in a previous life to deserve such a lot?

In the end, I think tonight will be very exciting. The big reveal, the first cuts and probably not much else seeing as it’s only on for 42 minutes tonight. Will any men leave once they know who the Bachelorette will be? Will Britt’s famous red lipstick return? Will Chris Harrison even actually ride a triceratops? Find out tonight on the Bachelorette on ABC. 

Lilly Pulitzer for Target Experience

Let’s talk Lilly.

If you didn’t know, the Lilly Pulitzer line launched a limited-time engagement sale at Target stores yesterday. This was highly publicized on TV and online and even Sex and the City’s Mr. Big got involved in a Gatsby-meets-Florida pool party commercial that could make just about anybody thirsty for pink lemonade. The problem, though, is that there wasn’t enough floral to go around.

In the weeks leading up to the launch, bloggers were reporting that the online site would go live between 12 and 2 a.m. on April 19^th and Target stores would open at their regular Sunday time of 8 a.m. The brand put out a “look book” on the Target website and select beauty sites had photos of the 250-piece collection online for anyone to view. Many women—myself included—had already mapped out their must-haves from the collection.

Then the bad news began to roll in.

Each Target store would only get one shipment of the collection and when it was exhausted, it was gone forever. In addition, not every Target store would get the same volume, so your local Target might not have been your best option. Then there was the sizing issue; no size charts were released online to answer the popular question, “Will these sizes reflect Lilly or Target sizing?” Lilly generally only carried up to size 16 and a slender 16 at that. I expect that many curvy ladies stayed home because nobody mentioned that Target would carry up to a Target size 18 in store. Bummer.

Before I get into my experience, let me just say that my time at Target was better than most shoppers’ yesterday. I am thankful to say that I am part of the minority who left the store happy on Sunday, but the system was definitely flawed and I can certainly empathize for the thousands of women out there who left empty-handed. After so much buildup, to leave the store without so much as a phone case would have made my blood boil. For all of you out there who had this problem, we can always pray that Lilly does this again next year and increases the quantity online and in-store. Based on the immediate negative reaction from shoppers, The Lilly website is offering a “mystery gift” to anybody who buys something today or tomorrow. I think it is safe to say that more Lilly isn’t completely out of the question for the future.

My experience with the Lilly for Target Sale

On Saturday night I returned home from the Phi Sigma Sigma formal at 12:05 a.m. I immediately changed into online shopping sweatpants and hit the Target website. The Lilly site hadn’t launched, so I browsed youtube until around 1:15 a.m. Still no website, so I went to sleep with my MasterCard on my bedside table. While I was in REM cycle, one million screaming Lilly fans crashed the Target website and prolonged the web launch—which was scheduled for 3 a.m. I later found out—until almost 6 a.m. When my internal clocked rolled me over at 6:30, the entire website was sold out. Not even a head scarf remained, and I knew right then I had to get up and go to Target.

I pulled into the Cedar Crest Target at 7:17 and a line of only 12-15 people had formed. I took my spot in line, waited for 8:00 and befriended every monogram-toting girl there. Rick, the poor soul who had to open the doors for us, made everyone promise to walk, not run, to the display. The doors opened and in true hunger games fashion, everyone took off sprinting. I’m talking women (and men) ages 40 and up full-on running to the display. I am not cleared to run until May, so I only walked briskly. Okay, maybe I ran the last few yards, but don’t tell my Physical Therapist.

If I had to describe this experience succinctly, I would say that it was madness. Pure madness.

As I remember, and it IS fuzzy, there were only three racks of clothing. By the time I got to racks, the first rack—which housed most of the dresses—was completely swallowed up by mother-daughter duos grabbing every size and color. I moved onto the second rack and saw the beloved pineapple sandals I had been coveting on the look book for weeks. I promised myself I would walk out with at least the sandals. There were only one pair of 9s at that point and they were going to belong to ME.

As a former employee of Target and avid Target shopper, I immediately noticed the blue and fuchsia hanger tags which mean size 18, XL or XXL. I’m immediately elated that I can go absolutely bananas and buy everything in my size. Unfortunately, by the time I squat down to get the sandals and stand up, most of the rack is clear. I grab as many blue and fuchsia hangers as I can see and by the time I could even move over to the first rack, everything is gone. There were styles that I knew existed from the website that I never even saw in the store. It was as if the Target staff had never put out the racks at all. Not even a bracelet remained on the display. Tumbleweeds were going by.

The crowd had now moved over to the dressing room line, which extended back to home goods, and everyone was buzzing over their finds. Everyone except for the people who had walked in around 8:03, that is. Those people were definitely confused and upset. The people who had rushed to the Lilly home goods first were coming back up to check out with their nineteen chair cushions, deck umbrellas and plate sets. By the time I even meandered by, all that remained was a box of pineapple wine glass charms.

I went and hid in the toilet paper aisle to call my mom. “What are you doing up so early?” I told her about my experience and she laughed at me. “Whose child are you?” She always asks me this when I go into a frenzy about something like this. After a half hour, I made my way back to the front of the store to try on my finds. Everything fit, which is unusual but certainly welcome, and I decided to walk back over to the racks to see what had been replaced. What I found wasn’t clothes but a dozen women perched like vultures waiting intently for the fitting room attendant to return with discarded items. I befriended a girl who had come late and gave her one of my dresses. She was thankful, and went to the fitting room to try on. I saw her buy it later, which made me happy.

After about 20 more minutes, the frenzy had cleared and I was ready to officially check out. A few gift cards and what was left of my tax return later, I left Target feeling successful and ready for coffee. Within an hour, the internet exploded with horror stories from other Targets nationwide and women who were outraged that the Target website wasn’t better stocked. All I can say is that I’m glad all the Muhlenberg College kids stayed in bed so I could get those pineapple sandals.

Bachelor Chris; Week 10

Church? Barn? 

Catherine Lowe tweeted that we forgot quickly that the Bachelor found love because we were so enamored with the new decision about the Bachelorette. I couldn’t agree more. I kind of forgot who Whitney and Chris were in a burst of rage around 10:51 Monday night.  Two Bachelorettes? That’s weird. Not to mention that ABC did this once befor

e and it was equally weird. Does anyone remember Byron the bachelor? Didn’t think so.

Before I go absolutely berserk about ABCs latest calamity, I guess I should spend some time dissecting the actual finale. Although I don’t think anybody questioned what the outcome would be, did they? I mean, Chris is nothing if not a basic white girl. Basic white girls are needy. Whitney is all about the giving. Case closed.

Whitney went to Iowa (again) and met his family (again) and cried (again and again). His family loved her, but more than that they loved how direct she was.

“I will move here. I will get married here. We will have weekly dinners. We will have corn-shaped babies.”

Whit is not a speak-when-spoken to kind of gal, and she has no problem coming right in and toasting to herself at dinner. Now that she’s said the “L” word out loud, nobody is safe. She’ll tell his mother, his brother, his sister and his friends. Tell the others, his lovers, better not be present tense. She wants everyone to know that you are hers and no one else’s (shameless Christina Aguilera reference, guilty as charged). But seriously, she is going to tell everyone in Arlington that she’s in love with Chris.

Which should take about ten minutes.

Whitney killed it. Her answered were prepped and ready to go. Aunt Mae had no room for rebuttal, and they probably discussed Thanksgiving plans when the cameras weren’t looking. The sisters couldn’t stump her at all, either, and they probably made friendship bracelets during commercial breaks. His family was ready to call the whole thing off until they remembered somebody else was coming to dinner the next night. 

In the tool shed, the men in the family discuss the thrill of the chase and if Becca is really wife potential or if she is just intriguing. Chris, surprisingly, cannot articulate what it is about Becca he likes, citing her athleticism as one of the three features he mentions. Yikes.

Becca is striking, this much is true. Every time I see her I am reminded of how pretty she is. But she’s kind of a male version of Chris, what with all the incomplete sentences and confusion about feelings. Her date seemed to be going well, though, as she made Aunt Mae Chris’ mom cackle over a few Iowa jokes at the dinner table. Seriously, though, why does ABC never show people eating on this show? Aside from the awkward chocolate-syrup-incident with Carly a few weeks back, everyone is starving. Then the sisters sat Becca down and shit got real.

Sisters: So, like, do you love him?

Becca: I don’t know. It has only been two months.

Sisters: So, like, would you move here?

Becca: Maybe eventually (see also: hell no).  

Remarkably, Chris’ mom sensed the chemistry between them, which is good because nobody else did. She sat Becca down and basically told her that she was in love god damnit and stop telling everybody you don’t know how you feel. Not get out back and plow those fields.

The very next day, Chris visited Becca at her hotel to badger her with questions about why she wasn’t in love with him. She still didn’t know. Could everyone just stop asking her? She literally doesn’t know anything. This encounter was really awkward. It was pretty clear that if Becca would’ve just said, “I love you,” Chris may have just picked her right then and there. It seemed the whole episode that he and his family were pushing her to commit to something she just wasn’t ready to label. But good for you, Glen Coco, for standing up for yourself. In most cases, families don’t want their children to get engaged after 3 months. I guess they do things differently in Iowa.

The next afternoon, Whitney joined Chris and Gary on the farm to play in a tractor. Whitney has been really excited about a lot of irrelevant things this season, and last night way no different.

“WE’RE PICKING CORN?!” JK this machine is picking corn. You’re just going to bump along.

 They have a perfect day and back at the Hotel Julien, Whitney tells Chris she’s sure he is the one because he doesn’t have to say anything and she knows what he’s thinking.

Well at least somebody does.

The day of the big decision is here, and Chris’ barn has never looked better. Even the horses outside

looked pretty happy. Becca arrives in her stunning velvet dress and all I could think was how amazing it would be if she burst into tears and confessed her love to him. Instead, when she got to the top of the stairs, she didn’t say anything and let Chris do all the talking. And there really wasn’t all that much to say. The whole if it took maybe 4 minutes. She was classy, he was thankful, she left, the end.

Whitney on the other hand, was hysterical in the limo. She was so terrified. I felt bad for her! Homegirl could not stop blinking. She made her way to the top of the stairs and immediately started on the speech she had prepared. I was proud that Chris didn’t smile too much to give it away. I was hoping he would go for some dramatic “…but…” in his speech but he did not. Instead, he was pretty straightforward and told Whitney that he wanted her for the rest of his life. They sat in a barn window which was actually really cute and kind of my dream and I’m a little bitter about it and down the road come Gary and Linda. Foreshadowing of Chris and Whitney in years to come? I sure hope so.

After the Finale Rose was pretty much what you’d expect. Becca was gorgeous and Chris had this look of sadness in his eyes when she came on stage. Becca actually thanked Chris for the experience because now she’s ready for actual, normally-paced, not-on-a-farm love. We are too, Becca. Let’s hope we see you on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

Whitney catapulted on the stage and the two she talked about how she sneaks to Iowa and hangs out with his family. Ma’am, there’s no sneaking to Arlington. You could be driving naked in a convertible and still nobody would notice you out there. Whitney tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t watch the show, because she’s smart and doesn’t want to freak the freak out on him for all of his Brittscapades this season. Chris Harrison is bored, so he brings out a cow. Or something like that. And they lived happily ever after (until their ABC farm wedding in Summer 2016).

Now., onto what really matters.

This Bachelorette shiz is not okay with me, but I’m sure you all know this by now. When I’m wrong,

I’ll say that I’m wrong and I was wrong about Kaitlyn in the beginning. I didn’t find her fun or enjoyable to watch, but as time went on and her true colors shined through, I think she’s definitely the obvious and only choice for a fresh Bachelorette season. Britt on the other hand was enjoyable to watch until her real colors shined through and now I can never name my child Britney. That’s how serious this has become.

ABC is sending mixed messages with all of this nonsense. Word on the street is that Andi’s season kind of blew in the ratings department and they are trying to generate viewers for the upcoming run. We know that the Bachelorette is mostly watched by women, though, right? You want to pick someone likeable. That is, likeable by women. I think we can all guestimate that with only the first night to get to know them, men are going to be really taken with Britt and her big hair. Unless we have some true fans of the show that saw this barnyard explosion of a season, I shudder to think of Britt as the Bachelorette. Or, in simpler terms, the first season of the show that I will not be watching.

So that’s it, people! Another one for the books. Season 19 is a wrap, and now we’re on to the Bachelorette and my person favorite, Bachelor in Paradise. Let the speculation begin.

Until next time…

xoxo

Bachelor Chris: Week 9

The Women Tell All is arguably the best episode of this series each year. We have come to know and love the catty banter, the uncomfortable plastic stools, and the women who have new hair after watching themselves on TV for three months. I’m looking at you, Carly.

I’ve been in a pattern of thinking that this season has been kind of blasé for a while but I now realize that it’s actually just Chris who is kind of dull. The women on this season have been electric quite honestly, similar to those on Ben Flajnik’s season. Now HE was a dud. But those women? Pure prime-time gold. Don’t get me wrong, Chris’ fart joke during the bloopers was magical, but more often than not he is about as exciting as a bump on a log.

Clearly, his speech coach got paid overtime for this engagement.

Blah blah blah viewing parties.  I always think this is silly. Do you honestly think we believe that these women didn’t know you were coming? There were balloons out front and a corn display! Give it a rest.  But, it was funny that the judge was there.

Chris: "Oh! You're the judge at the court house? Do you remember me from my DUI a few years back?"

Back to the boxing ring Women Tell All. Let’s get ready to rumble.

We start with the Carly/Britt dispute, and I honestly was so happy because I thought we were getting

this out of the way first. Sadly, this whole episode was kind of clouded by Britt and her overactive tear ducts, even when it wasn’t her turn.

Imagine that.

Real talk: I don’t think Britt means to be fake or selfish. I think in her heart she believes everything she did and said was true and very up front. However, from the outside, I can understand how frustrating that would be to watch day in and day out. I find her excruciatingly annoying to watch for two hours a week. I can’t imagine what it is like to live in a house with her.

But Britt lovers (Tammy Palyo) had their moment in the sun as the audience destroyed Carly after ABC ran some B-roll of her bashing Britt all season. As if that wasn’t enough, here comes Jillian, who has clearly been practicing this speech for a few weeks now, to defend her unlikely bestie. Then my girl Trina, who has ditched the side-pony and opted for effortless waves (she must read my blog), jumps in to remind everyone that this isn’t the babysitter’s club and that they should all just shut up about being friends. There are about six people yelling at once and the camera man can’t figure out where he should be looking. Britt.will.not.stop.interrupting. Jillian is having none of it and gets super aggressive while her brunette friend, Nikki, corroborates her story. Don’t remember Nikki? That’s okay; neither did ABC seeing as they called her Samantha.

Not Samantha. 

Referee Chris Harrison cuts it off before Jillian kills someone.  “Let’s move on to the next problem child woman, Kelsey. But before we do, let’s run some footage to remind all of you why you hate her so much.”

Clips ensue of Kelsey’s god-awful cackle, her amazing story, her panic attack and the timeless badlands encounter. If looks could kill. These women are all out for blood. Oh, and if drunk Tara is shaking her head at you it's bad. Realllly bad.

As soon as the footage stops, Kelsey is already setting the scene for her pity party of one. “I feel betrayed.” Nice try, but this STILL isn’t about you. He didn’t even ask you a question yet, diva. “Can I have a tissue?” Um, excuse me? Britt just sat up here for 15 minutes hysterically leaking from the nose. We obviously don’t have any tissues here, ma’am. Use your hand like the rest of us. Chris Harrison generously offers her his silk hanky and little miss silver spoon is happy again. But she’s not better than us, guys.

I’m a firm believer in self-reflection, and it seems like being on this show would offer you an easy way to watch yourself, reflect and make changes. So, let’s say, for example, America hated you for talking about your dead husband incessantly and how you’re smarter than everybody else. If given the chance to come face-to-face with those people again, what talking points might one consider avoiding?  

Sanderson Poe.

Kelsey launches into a speech reminiscent of Laura Fabian’s I Will Love Again and everyone is

confused about why she is still talking about herself before Chris Harrison has even asked a question. In fairness, she did apologize for saying mean things about Ashley I. and took back saying that her story was amazing. But then she went on and on about herself for a while longer until Chris Harrison had had enough and went to commercial.

If it were up to Chris Harrison, Ashley S. would be the next Bachelorette.

Chris’ ass wasn’t even in the seat yet and Britt is already crying. If Britt’s plan was to get Chris to admit that Carly is to blame for her departure, then this was an epic fail. Of course you can come up here and cry some more talk about what happened. But you’re still not going to be the Bachelorette.

Now Kaitlyn, on the other hand, that’s a different story. If there was any question as to Kaitlyn being the next Bachelorette before,  I hope there's none now. Darker hair. Not saying ANYTHING while they're talking. Being super classy. ABC got to her for sure.

I felt Jade’s pain because she seems so genuine. She was obviously embarrassed and confused about Chris’ blog. But in fairness, it was a little awkward that you two sat together and looked at your nudies. And you really should’ve had a prep meeting with your brothers before putting them on TV. They did not help your situation at all.

The preview for the finale looks incredibly confusing to me. Are Becca and Chris really arguing or was that just clever editing? Why is this final rose ceremony taking place in a barn when there is clearly snow on the ground outside? How did Chris’ mom make Becca cry? When Whitney wins all of this, how is she going to feel about being referred to as the “sure thing?”  

Bachelor Chris- Week 8

It’s the final countdown, y’all. This week, after much meandering around the U.S.’ fly-over states, Chris and his overactive sweat glands finally take the remaining women on a real trip to Bali. I always find it interesting when this franchise does the fantasy date in a really tropical, warm locale. It never looks good. Never. Everyone is shiny, hair askew, breathing deeply as to not pass out. Tonight was no different. Oh, and because you all know that I’m extra nosy about things, I took the liberty of looking up some seasonal information about Bali. Turns out the tourism department of Bali credits October through March, when this was filmed, as the worst time to visit the island as it is known as the wet season:

“The rainy season lasts from October through March, blanketing the region in oppressive humidity couple with frequent storms. Torrential downpours come in intervals, hammering down in short bursts. The sheer humidity and excessive rainfall make this an undesirable period for travel.”

Well done, ABC.

We start off with a strange afternoon of monkey pee and frizz as Kaitlyn and Chris enjoy the rainforest and discuss how Kaitlyn is letting her guard down. Chris mumbles a little, monkeys shudder in the distance at this abysmal attempt at communication, and the two go their separate ways to get ready for a dinner they will most certainly not be eating.

They return to an incredible setup amongst tiki torches and a waterfall, but all I kept thinking about was why Kaitlyn didn’t just put her hair in a bun. It’s HOT, ma’am. He’s panting like a retriever. The crew is going to fall over dead at any minute. Save yourself!

The only part of this date that I need to comment on is that Chris told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her and ABC aired it. For those of you out there who have been watching for a while, we know that they generally don’t share those moments with the viewers, even though we all assume they happen. Any doubts I may have had about Becca going home instead of Kaitlyn were squashed in that instant. ABC is all about foreshadowing.

Okay, I lied. I also need to comment on the fantasy suite itself. Am I overstepping, or do we all think ABC gave them the steamiest of the suites? I mean, a heart tub with roses? Her room was much more 50-Shades than the other two.

Whitney’s date was once again the one I would have wanted. I’m a water person, as you all know, and so to be on a boat and just get to lie around all day and swim sounds like perfection to me. Even if that captain did crash into the dock. I appreciated that she and her spray tan had the conversation about her sister being a biotch with Chris, and giving the backstory of why she’s so overbearing. Surprisingly, Chris showed absolutely zero emotion about this and told her it was fine and makes her who she is. See also: every other conversation he’s had this season.

At dinner, Whitney and her BUN have a serious heart-to-heart with Chris about the future. First things first, she’s the realist, and when he asks about Arlington she tells it like it is.

Whitney: I worked really hard to get where I am today making babies for other people and so if you propose to me and make me move to your ghost town and it doesn’t work out I will bludgeon you to death with a corn husk.

She is super ready for the fantasy suite, and I am super ready by this point to get the dreaded Becca saga over with. So, let’s get on with it.

Becca’s hair gives zero fucks about the humidity and stays perfect all day. They visit the love medium who of course encourages them to have sex that night because that’s the only way two people can know if a relationship will work, right? Chris’ awkward giggle rears its ugly head yet again and the two mosey on to dinner where Becca promises the cameras no less than 75 times that she will tell Chris about being a virgin before they go to the fantasy suite.

Yeah, okay.

After she absolutely does not tell him at the dinner table, the two saunter up to the suite where she sits him down and tells him about being a virgin. Shockingly, Chris says that it’s part of who she is and says a lot about her character. It seems like all is going well until the next morning when, in Andi Dorfman fashion, he is pensively staring into the distance while his voice-over tells us that something isn’t right.

At the rose ceremony, Chris pulls Becca aside to address this, and while they talk on a stoop somewhere, Kaitlyn is gushing to the cameras about how excited she is that Becca is probably going home.

…Which pretty much means you’re going home because ABC aint no fool and showed that to throw everybody off.

I'm not hugging you guys. 

Becca returns, Kaitlyn is shocked then dumped while Whitney tries to control a smile as they leave. Kaitlyn will not make eye contact with Chris as he tries to explain himself, which we all know is his greatest strength. Kaitlyn is pithy and sarcastic generally, and it is pretty obvious that she’s not the teary-eyed pleading type. I was a little put-off by her attitude, but I can’t really make a judgment because I’m sure I would’ve thrown a chair or something if it was me. Chris hugs Kaitlyn who is just a limp noodle and the production crew high fives at the perfect audio clip of their hearts beating quickly into each other’s microphones. This is so awkward. Thank god for that rooster, right?

Next week, the Women Tell All and I cannot wait to see Kelsey try to apologize while being stoned by lipsticks from the audience. Will Britt have showered? Is Kaitlyn still heartbroken over Chris? Did Ashley I. get more eyelash extensions? It all happens next week, on the BACHELOR.

xoxo