Bachelor Chris- Week 8

It’s the final countdown, y’all. This week, after much meandering around the U.S.’ fly-over states, Chris and his overactive sweat glands finally take the remaining women on a real trip to Bali. I always find it interesting when this franchise does the fantasy date in a really tropical, warm locale. It never looks good. Never. Everyone is shiny, hair askew, breathing deeply as to not pass out. Tonight was no different. Oh, and because you all know that I’m extra nosy about things, I took the liberty of looking up some seasonal information about Bali. Turns out the tourism department of Bali credits October through March, when this was filmed, as the worst time to visit the island as it is known as the wet season:

“The rainy season lasts from October through March, blanketing the region in oppressive humidity couple with frequent storms. Torrential downpours come in intervals, hammering down in short bursts. The sheer humidity and excessive rainfall make this an undesirable period for travel.”

Well done, ABC.

We start off with a strange afternoon of monkey pee and frizz as Kaitlyn and Chris enjoy the rainforest and discuss how Kaitlyn is letting her guard down. Chris mumbles a little, monkeys shudder in the distance at this abysmal attempt at communication, and the two go their separate ways to get ready for a dinner they will most certainly not be eating.

They return to an incredible setup amongst tiki torches and a waterfall, but all I kept thinking about was why Kaitlyn didn’t just put her hair in a bun. It’s HOT, ma’am. He’s panting like a retriever. The crew is going to fall over dead at any minute. Save yourself!

The only part of this date that I need to comment on is that Chris told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her and ABC aired it. For those of you out there who have been watching for a while, we know that they generally don’t share those moments with the viewers, even though we all assume they happen. Any doubts I may have had about Becca going home instead of Kaitlyn were squashed in that instant. ABC is all about foreshadowing.

Okay, I lied. I also need to comment on the fantasy suite itself. Am I overstepping, or do we all think ABC gave them the steamiest of the suites? I mean, a heart tub with roses? Her room was much more 50-Shades than the other two.

Whitney’s date was once again the one I would have wanted. I’m a water person, as you all know, and so to be on a boat and just get to lie around all day and swim sounds like perfection to me. Even if that captain did crash into the dock. I appreciated that she and her spray tan had the conversation about her sister being a biotch with Chris, and giving the backstory of why she’s so overbearing. Surprisingly, Chris showed absolutely zero emotion about this and told her it was fine and makes her who she is. See also: every other conversation he’s had this season.

At dinner, Whitney and her BUN have a serious heart-to-heart with Chris about the future. First things first, she’s the realist, and when he asks about Arlington she tells it like it is.

Whitney: I worked really hard to get where I am today making babies for other people and so if you propose to me and make me move to your ghost town and it doesn’t work out I will bludgeon you to death with a corn husk.

She is super ready for the fantasy suite, and I am super ready by this point to get the dreaded Becca saga over with. So, let’s get on with it.

Becca’s hair gives zero fucks about the humidity and stays perfect all day. They visit the love medium who of course encourages them to have sex that night because that’s the only way two people can know if a relationship will work, right? Chris’ awkward giggle rears its ugly head yet again and the two mosey on to dinner where Becca promises the cameras no less than 75 times that she will tell Chris about being a virgin before they go to the fantasy suite.

Yeah, okay.

After she absolutely does not tell him at the dinner table, the two saunter up to the suite where she sits him down and tells him about being a virgin. Shockingly, Chris says that it’s part of who she is and says a lot about her character. It seems like all is going well until the next morning when, in Andi Dorfman fashion, he is pensively staring into the distance while his voice-over tells us that something isn’t right.

At the rose ceremony, Chris pulls Becca aside to address this, and while they talk on a stoop somewhere, Kaitlyn is gushing to the cameras about how excited she is that Becca is probably going home.

…Which pretty much means you’re going home because ABC aint no fool and showed that to throw everybody off.

I'm not hugging you guys. 

Becca returns, Kaitlyn is shocked then dumped while Whitney tries to control a smile as they leave. Kaitlyn will not make eye contact with Chris as he tries to explain himself, which we all know is his greatest strength. Kaitlyn is pithy and sarcastic generally, and it is pretty obvious that she’s not the teary-eyed pleading type. I was a little put-off by her attitude, but I can’t really make a judgment because I’m sure I would’ve thrown a chair or something if it was me. Chris hugs Kaitlyn who is just a limp noodle and the production crew high fives at the perfect audio clip of their hearts beating quickly into each other’s microphones. This is so awkward. Thank god for that rooster, right?

Next week, the Women Tell All and I cannot wait to see Kelsey try to apologize while being stoned by lipsticks from the audience. Will Britt have showered? Is Kaitlyn still heartbroken over Chris? Did Ashley I. get more eyelash extensions? It all happens next week, on the BACHELOR.

xoxo