Bachelor Chris: Week 9

The Women Tell All is arguably the best episode of this series each year. We have come to know and love the catty banter, the uncomfortable plastic stools, and the women who have new hair after watching themselves on TV for three months. I’m looking at you, Carly.

I’ve been in a pattern of thinking that this season has been kind of blasé for a while but I now realize that it’s actually just Chris who is kind of dull. The women on this season have been electric quite honestly, similar to those on Ben Flajnik’s season. Now HE was a dud. But those women? Pure prime-time gold. Don’t get me wrong, Chris’ fart joke during the bloopers was magical, but more often than not he is about as exciting as a bump on a log.

Clearly, his speech coach got paid overtime for this engagement.

Blah blah blah viewing parties.  I always think this is silly. Do you honestly think we believe that these women didn’t know you were coming? There were balloons out front and a corn display! Give it a rest.  But, it was funny that the judge was there.

Chris: "Oh! You're the judge at the court house? Do you remember me from my DUI a few years back?"

Back to the boxing ring Women Tell All. Let’s get ready to rumble.

We start with the Carly/Britt dispute, and I honestly was so happy because I thought we were getting

this out of the way first. Sadly, this whole episode was kind of clouded by Britt and her overactive tear ducts, even when it wasn’t her turn.

Imagine that.

Real talk: I don’t think Britt means to be fake or selfish. I think in her heart she believes everything she did and said was true and very up front. However, from the outside, I can understand how frustrating that would be to watch day in and day out. I find her excruciatingly annoying to watch for two hours a week. I can’t imagine what it is like to live in a house with her.

But Britt lovers (Tammy Palyo) had their moment in the sun as the audience destroyed Carly after ABC ran some B-roll of her bashing Britt all season. As if that wasn’t enough, here comes Jillian, who has clearly been practicing this speech for a few weeks now, to defend her unlikely bestie. Then my girl Trina, who has ditched the side-pony and opted for effortless waves (she must read my blog), jumps in to remind everyone that this isn’t the babysitter’s club and that they should all just shut up about being friends. There are about six people yelling at once and the camera man can’t figure out where he should be looking. Britt.will.not.stop.interrupting. Jillian is having none of it and gets super aggressive while her brunette friend, Nikki, corroborates her story. Don’t remember Nikki? That’s okay; neither did ABC seeing as they called her Samantha.

Not Samantha. 

Referee Chris Harrison cuts it off before Jillian kills someone.  “Let’s move on to the next problem child woman, Kelsey. But before we do, let’s run some footage to remind all of you why you hate her so much.”

Clips ensue of Kelsey’s god-awful cackle, her amazing story, her panic attack and the timeless badlands encounter. If looks could kill. These women are all out for blood. Oh, and if drunk Tara is shaking her head at you it's bad. Realllly bad.

As soon as the footage stops, Kelsey is already setting the scene for her pity party of one. “I feel betrayed.” Nice try, but this STILL isn’t about you. He didn’t even ask you a question yet, diva. “Can I have a tissue?” Um, excuse me? Britt just sat up here for 15 minutes hysterically leaking from the nose. We obviously don’t have any tissues here, ma’am. Use your hand like the rest of us. Chris Harrison generously offers her his silk hanky and little miss silver spoon is happy again. But she’s not better than us, guys.

I’m a firm believer in self-reflection, and it seems like being on this show would offer you an easy way to watch yourself, reflect and make changes. So, let’s say, for example, America hated you for talking about your dead husband incessantly and how you’re smarter than everybody else. If given the chance to come face-to-face with those people again, what talking points might one consider avoiding?  

Sanderson Poe.

Kelsey launches into a speech reminiscent of Laura Fabian’s I Will Love Again and everyone is

confused about why she is still talking about herself before Chris Harrison has even asked a question. In fairness, she did apologize for saying mean things about Ashley I. and took back saying that her story was amazing. But then she went on and on about herself for a while longer until Chris Harrison had had enough and went to commercial.

If it were up to Chris Harrison, Ashley S. would be the next Bachelorette.

Chris’ ass wasn’t even in the seat yet and Britt is already crying. If Britt’s plan was to get Chris to admit that Carly is to blame for her departure, then this was an epic fail. Of course you can come up here and cry some more talk about what happened. But you’re still not going to be the Bachelorette.

Now Kaitlyn, on the other hand, that’s a different story. If there was any question as to Kaitlyn being the next Bachelorette before,  I hope there's none now. Darker hair. Not saying ANYTHING while they're talking. Being super classy. ABC got to her for sure.

I felt Jade’s pain because she seems so genuine. She was obviously embarrassed and confused about Chris’ blog. But in fairness, it was a little awkward that you two sat together and looked at your nudies. And you really should’ve had a prep meeting with your brothers before putting them on TV. They did not help your situation at all.

The preview for the finale looks incredibly confusing to me. Are Becca and Chris really arguing or was that just clever editing? Why is this final rose ceremony taking place in a barn when there is clearly snow on the ground outside? How did Chris’ mom make Becca cry? When Whitney wins all of this, how is she going to feel about being referred to as the “sure thing?”