Lilly Pulitzer for Target Experience

Let’s talk Lilly.

If you didn’t know, the Lilly Pulitzer line launched a limited-time engagement sale at Target stores yesterday. This was highly publicized on TV and online and even Sex and the City’s Mr. Big got involved in a Gatsby-meets-Florida pool party commercial that could make just about anybody thirsty for pink lemonade. The problem, though, is that there wasn’t enough floral to go around.

In the weeks leading up to the launch, bloggers were reporting that the online site would go live between 12 and 2 a.m. on April 19^th and Target stores would open at their regular Sunday time of 8 a.m. The brand put out a “look book” on the Target website and select beauty sites had photos of the 250-piece collection online for anyone to view. Many women—myself included—had already mapped out their must-haves from the collection.

Then the bad news began to roll in.

Each Target store would only get one shipment of the collection and when it was exhausted, it was gone forever. In addition, not every Target store would get the same volume, so your local Target might not have been your best option. Then there was the sizing issue; no size charts were released online to answer the popular question, “Will these sizes reflect Lilly or Target sizing?” Lilly generally only carried up to size 16 and a slender 16 at that. I expect that many curvy ladies stayed home because nobody mentioned that Target would carry up to a Target size 18 in store. Bummer.

Before I get into my experience, let me just say that my time at Target was better than most shoppers’ yesterday. I am thankful to say that I am part of the minority who left the store happy on Sunday, but the system was definitely flawed and I can certainly empathize for the thousands of women out there who left empty-handed. After so much buildup, to leave the store without so much as a phone case would have made my blood boil. For all of you out there who had this problem, we can always pray that Lilly does this again next year and increases the quantity online and in-store. Based on the immediate negative reaction from shoppers, The Lilly website is offering a “mystery gift” to anybody who buys something today or tomorrow. I think it is safe to say that more Lilly isn’t completely out of the question for the future.

My experience with the Lilly for Target Sale

On Saturday night I returned home from the Phi Sigma Sigma formal at 12:05 a.m. I immediately changed into online shopping sweatpants and hit the Target website. The Lilly site hadn’t launched, so I browsed youtube until around 1:15 a.m. Still no website, so I went to sleep with my MasterCard on my bedside table. While I was in REM cycle, one million screaming Lilly fans crashed the Target website and prolonged the web launch—which was scheduled for 3 a.m. I later found out—until almost 6 a.m. When my internal clocked rolled me over at 6:30, the entire website was sold out. Not even a head scarf remained, and I knew right then I had to get up and go to Target.

I pulled into the Cedar Crest Target at 7:17 and a line of only 12-15 people had formed. I took my spot in line, waited for 8:00 and befriended every monogram-toting girl there. Rick, the poor soul who had to open the doors for us, made everyone promise to walk, not run, to the display. The doors opened and in true hunger games fashion, everyone took off sprinting. I’m talking women (and men) ages 40 and up full-on running to the display. I am not cleared to run until May, so I only walked briskly. Okay, maybe I ran the last few yards, but don’t tell my Physical Therapist.

If I had to describe this experience succinctly, I would say that it was madness. Pure madness.

As I remember, and it IS fuzzy, there were only three racks of clothing. By the time I got to racks, the first rack—which housed most of the dresses—was completely swallowed up by mother-daughter duos grabbing every size and color. I moved onto the second rack and saw the beloved pineapple sandals I had been coveting on the look book for weeks. I promised myself I would walk out with at least the sandals. There were only one pair of 9s at that point and they were going to belong to ME.

As a former employee of Target and avid Target shopper, I immediately noticed the blue and fuchsia hanger tags which mean size 18, XL or XXL. I’m immediately elated that I can go absolutely bananas and buy everything in my size. Unfortunately, by the time I squat down to get the sandals and stand up, most of the rack is clear. I grab as many blue and fuchsia hangers as I can see and by the time I could even move over to the first rack, everything is gone. There were styles that I knew existed from the website that I never even saw in the store. It was as if the Target staff had never put out the racks at all. Not even a bracelet remained on the display. Tumbleweeds were going by.

The crowd had now moved over to the dressing room line, which extended back to home goods, and everyone was buzzing over their finds. Everyone except for the people who had walked in around 8:03, that is. Those people were definitely confused and upset. The people who had rushed to the Lilly home goods first were coming back up to check out with their nineteen chair cushions, deck umbrellas and plate sets. By the time I even meandered by, all that remained was a box of pineapple wine glass charms.

I went and hid in the toilet paper aisle to call my mom. “What are you doing up so early?” I told her about my experience and she laughed at me. “Whose child are you?” She always asks me this when I go into a frenzy about something like this. After a half hour, I made my way back to the front of the store to try on my finds. Everything fit, which is unusual but certainly welcome, and I decided to walk back over to the racks to see what had been replaced. What I found wasn’t clothes but a dozen women perched like vultures waiting intently for the fitting room attendant to return with discarded items. I befriended a girl who had come late and gave her one of my dresses. She was thankful, and went to the fitting room to try on. I saw her buy it later, which made me happy.

After about 20 more minutes, the frenzy had cleared and I was ready to officially check out. A few gift cards and what was left of my tax return later, I left Target feeling successful and ready for coffee. Within an hour, the internet exploded with horror stories from other Targets nationwide and women who were outraged that the Target website wasn’t better stocked. All I can say is that I’m glad all the Muhlenberg College kids stayed in bed so I could get those pineapple sandals.

Bachelor Chris; Week 10

Church? Barn? 

Catherine Lowe tweeted that we forgot quickly that the Bachelor found love because we were so enamored with the new decision about the Bachelorette. I couldn’t agree more. I kind of forgot who Whitney and Chris were in a burst of rage around 10:51 Monday night.  Two Bachelorettes? That’s weird. Not to mention that ABC did this once befor

e and it was equally weird. Does anyone remember Byron the bachelor? Didn’t think so.

Before I go absolutely berserk about ABCs latest calamity, I guess I should spend some time dissecting the actual finale. Although I don’t think anybody questioned what the outcome would be, did they? I mean, Chris is nothing if not a basic white girl. Basic white girls are needy. Whitney is all about the giving. Case closed.

Whitney went to Iowa (again) and met his family (again) and cried (again and again). His family loved her, but more than that they loved how direct she was.

“I will move here. I will get married here. We will have weekly dinners. We will have corn-shaped babies.”

Whit is not a speak-when-spoken to kind of gal, and she has no problem coming right in and toasting to herself at dinner. Now that she’s said the “L” word out loud, nobody is safe. She’ll tell his mother, his brother, his sister and his friends. Tell the others, his lovers, better not be present tense. She wants everyone to know that you are hers and no one else’s (shameless Christina Aguilera reference, guilty as charged). But seriously, she is going to tell everyone in Arlington that she’s in love with Chris.

Which should take about ten minutes.

Whitney killed it. Her answered were prepped and ready to go. Aunt Mae had no room for rebuttal, and they probably discussed Thanksgiving plans when the cameras weren’t looking. The sisters couldn’t stump her at all, either, and they probably made friendship bracelets during commercial breaks. His family was ready to call the whole thing off until they remembered somebody else was coming to dinner the next night. 

In the tool shed, the men in the family discuss the thrill of the chase and if Becca is really wife potential or if she is just intriguing. Chris, surprisingly, cannot articulate what it is about Becca he likes, citing her athleticism as one of the three features he mentions. Yikes.

Becca is striking, this much is true. Every time I see her I am reminded of how pretty she is. But she’s kind of a male version of Chris, what with all the incomplete sentences and confusion about feelings. Her date seemed to be going well, though, as she made Aunt Mae Chris’ mom cackle over a few Iowa jokes at the dinner table. Seriously, though, why does ABC never show people eating on this show? Aside from the awkward chocolate-syrup-incident with Carly a few weeks back, everyone is starving. Then the sisters sat Becca down and shit got real.

Sisters: So, like, do you love him?

Becca: I don’t know. It has only been two months.

Sisters: So, like, would you move here?

Becca: Maybe eventually (see also: hell no).  

Remarkably, Chris’ mom sensed the chemistry between them, which is good because nobody else did. She sat Becca down and basically told her that she was in love god damnit and stop telling everybody you don’t know how you feel. Not get out back and plow those fields.

The very next day, Chris visited Becca at her hotel to badger her with questions about why she wasn’t in love with him. She still didn’t know. Could everyone just stop asking her? She literally doesn’t know anything. This encounter was really awkward. It was pretty clear that if Becca would’ve just said, “I love you,” Chris may have just picked her right then and there. It seemed the whole episode that he and his family were pushing her to commit to something she just wasn’t ready to label. But good for you, Glen Coco, for standing up for yourself. In most cases, families don’t want their children to get engaged after 3 months. I guess they do things differently in Iowa.

The next afternoon, Whitney joined Chris and Gary on the farm to play in a tractor. Whitney has been really excited about a lot of irrelevant things this season, and last night way no different.

“WE’RE PICKING CORN?!” JK this machine is picking corn. You’re just going to bump along.

 They have a perfect day and back at the Hotel Julien, Whitney tells Chris she’s sure he is the one because he doesn’t have to say anything and she knows what he’s thinking.

Well at least somebody does.

The day of the big decision is here, and Chris’ barn has never looked better. Even the horses outside

looked pretty happy. Becca arrives in her stunning velvet dress and all I could think was how amazing it would be if she burst into tears and confessed her love to him. Instead, when she got to the top of the stairs, she didn’t say anything and let Chris do all the talking. And there really wasn’t all that much to say. The whole if it took maybe 4 minutes. She was classy, he was thankful, she left, the end.

Whitney on the other hand, was hysterical in the limo. She was so terrified. I felt bad for her! Homegirl could not stop blinking. She made her way to the top of the stairs and immediately started on the speech she had prepared. I was proud that Chris didn’t smile too much to give it away. I was hoping he would go for some dramatic “…but…” in his speech but he did not. Instead, he was pretty straightforward and told Whitney that he wanted her for the rest of his life. They sat in a barn window which was actually really cute and kind of my dream and I’m a little bitter about it and down the road come Gary and Linda. Foreshadowing of Chris and Whitney in years to come? I sure hope so.

After the Finale Rose was pretty much what you’d expect. Becca was gorgeous and Chris had this look of sadness in his eyes when she came on stage. Becca actually thanked Chris for the experience because now she’s ready for actual, normally-paced, not-on-a-farm love. We are too, Becca. Let’s hope we see you on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

Whitney catapulted on the stage and the two she talked about how she sneaks to Iowa and hangs out with his family. Ma’am, there’s no sneaking to Arlington. You could be driving naked in a convertible and still nobody would notice you out there. Whitney tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t watch the show, because she’s smart and doesn’t want to freak the freak out on him for all of his Brittscapades this season. Chris Harrison is bored, so he brings out a cow. Or something like that. And they lived happily ever after (until their ABC farm wedding in Summer 2016).

Now., onto what really matters.

This Bachelorette shiz is not okay with me, but I’m sure you all know this by now. When I’m wrong,

I’ll say that I’m wrong and I was wrong about Kaitlyn in the beginning. I didn’t find her fun or enjoyable to watch, but as time went on and her true colors shined through, I think she’s definitely the obvious and only choice for a fresh Bachelorette season. Britt on the other hand was enjoyable to watch until her real colors shined through and now I can never name my child Britney. That’s how serious this has become.

ABC is sending mixed messages with all of this nonsense. Word on the street is that Andi’s season kind of blew in the ratings department and they are trying to generate viewers for the upcoming run. We know that the Bachelorette is mostly watched by women, though, right? You want to pick someone likeable. That is, likeable by women. I think we can all guestimate that with only the first night to get to know them, men are going to be really taken with Britt and her big hair. Unless we have some true fans of the show that saw this barnyard explosion of a season, I shudder to think of Britt as the Bachelorette. Or, in simpler terms, the first season of the show that I will not be watching.

So that’s it, people! Another one for the books. Season 19 is a wrap, and now we’re on to the Bachelorette and my person favorite, Bachelor in Paradise. Let the speculation begin.

Until next time…

xoxo

Bachelor Chris: Week 9

The Women Tell All is arguably the best episode of this series each year. We have come to know and love the catty banter, the uncomfortable plastic stools, and the women who have new hair after watching themselves on TV for three months. I’m looking at you, Carly.

I’ve been in a pattern of thinking that this season has been kind of blasé for a while but I now realize that it’s actually just Chris who is kind of dull. The women on this season have been electric quite honestly, similar to those on Ben Flajnik’s season. Now HE was a dud. But those women? Pure prime-time gold. Don’t get me wrong, Chris’ fart joke during the bloopers was magical, but more often than not he is about as exciting as a bump on a log.

Clearly, his speech coach got paid overtime for this engagement.

Blah blah blah viewing parties.  I always think this is silly. Do you honestly think we believe that these women didn’t know you were coming? There were balloons out front and a corn display! Give it a rest.  But, it was funny that the judge was there.

Chris: "Oh! You're the judge at the court house? Do you remember me from my DUI a few years back?"

Back to the boxing ring Women Tell All. Let’s get ready to rumble.

We start with the Carly/Britt dispute, and I honestly was so happy because I thought we were getting

this out of the way first. Sadly, this whole episode was kind of clouded by Britt and her overactive tear ducts, even when it wasn’t her turn.

Imagine that.

Real talk: I don’t think Britt means to be fake or selfish. I think in her heart she believes everything she did and said was true and very up front. However, from the outside, I can understand how frustrating that would be to watch day in and day out. I find her excruciatingly annoying to watch for two hours a week. I can’t imagine what it is like to live in a house with her.

But Britt lovers (Tammy Palyo) had their moment in the sun as the audience destroyed Carly after ABC ran some B-roll of her bashing Britt all season. As if that wasn’t enough, here comes Jillian, who has clearly been practicing this speech for a few weeks now, to defend her unlikely bestie. Then my girl Trina, who has ditched the side-pony and opted for effortless waves (she must read my blog), jumps in to remind everyone that this isn’t the babysitter’s club and that they should all just shut up about being friends. There are about six people yelling at once and the camera man can’t figure out where he should be looking. Britt.will.not.stop.interrupting. Jillian is having none of it and gets super aggressive while her brunette friend, Nikki, corroborates her story. Don’t remember Nikki? That’s okay; neither did ABC seeing as they called her Samantha.

Not Samantha. 

Referee Chris Harrison cuts it off before Jillian kills someone.  “Let’s move on to the next problem child woman, Kelsey. But before we do, let’s run some footage to remind all of you why you hate her so much.”

Clips ensue of Kelsey’s god-awful cackle, her amazing story, her panic attack and the timeless badlands encounter. If looks could kill. These women are all out for blood. Oh, and if drunk Tara is shaking her head at you it's bad. Realllly bad.

As soon as the footage stops, Kelsey is already setting the scene for her pity party of one. “I feel betrayed.” Nice try, but this STILL isn’t about you. He didn’t even ask you a question yet, diva. “Can I have a tissue?” Um, excuse me? Britt just sat up here for 15 minutes hysterically leaking from the nose. We obviously don’t have any tissues here, ma’am. Use your hand like the rest of us. Chris Harrison generously offers her his silk hanky and little miss silver spoon is happy again. But she’s not better than us, guys.

I’m a firm believer in self-reflection, and it seems like being on this show would offer you an easy way to watch yourself, reflect and make changes. So, let’s say, for example, America hated you for talking about your dead husband incessantly and how you’re smarter than everybody else. If given the chance to come face-to-face with those people again, what talking points might one consider avoiding?  

Sanderson Poe.

Kelsey launches into a speech reminiscent of Laura Fabian’s I Will Love Again and everyone is

confused about why she is still talking about herself before Chris Harrison has even asked a question. In fairness, she did apologize for saying mean things about Ashley I. and took back saying that her story was amazing. But then she went on and on about herself for a while longer until Chris Harrison had had enough and went to commercial.

If it were up to Chris Harrison, Ashley S. would be the next Bachelorette.

Chris’ ass wasn’t even in the seat yet and Britt is already crying. If Britt’s plan was to get Chris to admit that Carly is to blame for her departure, then this was an epic fail. Of course you can come up here and cry some more talk about what happened. But you’re still not going to be the Bachelorette.

Now Kaitlyn, on the other hand, that’s a different story. If there was any question as to Kaitlyn being the next Bachelorette before,  I hope there's none now. Darker hair. Not saying ANYTHING while they're talking. Being super classy. ABC got to her for sure.

I felt Jade’s pain because she seems so genuine. She was obviously embarrassed and confused about Chris’ blog. But in fairness, it was a little awkward that you two sat together and looked at your nudies. And you really should’ve had a prep meeting with your brothers before putting them on TV. They did not help your situation at all.

The preview for the finale looks incredibly confusing to me. Are Becca and Chris really arguing or was that just clever editing? Why is this final rose ceremony taking place in a barn when there is clearly snow on the ground outside? How did Chris’ mom make Becca cry? When Whitney wins all of this, how is she going to feel about being referred to as the “sure thing?”  

Bachelor Chris- Week 8

It’s the final countdown, y’all. This week, after much meandering around the U.S.’ fly-over states, Chris and his overactive sweat glands finally take the remaining women on a real trip to Bali. I always find it interesting when this franchise does the fantasy date in a really tropical, warm locale. It never looks good. Never. Everyone is shiny, hair askew, breathing deeply as to not pass out. Tonight was no different. Oh, and because you all know that I’m extra nosy about things, I took the liberty of looking up some seasonal information about Bali. Turns out the tourism department of Bali credits October through March, when this was filmed, as the worst time to visit the island as it is known as the wet season:

“The rainy season lasts from October through March, blanketing the region in oppressive humidity couple with frequent storms. Torrential downpours come in intervals, hammering down in short bursts. The sheer humidity and excessive rainfall make this an undesirable period for travel.”

Well done, ABC.

We start off with a strange afternoon of monkey pee and frizz as Kaitlyn and Chris enjoy the rainforest and discuss how Kaitlyn is letting her guard down. Chris mumbles a little, monkeys shudder in the distance at this abysmal attempt at communication, and the two go their separate ways to get ready for a dinner they will most certainly not be eating.

They return to an incredible setup amongst tiki torches and a waterfall, but all I kept thinking about was why Kaitlyn didn’t just put her hair in a bun. It’s HOT, ma’am. He’s panting like a retriever. The crew is going to fall over dead at any minute. Save yourself!

The only part of this date that I need to comment on is that Chris told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her and ABC aired it. For those of you out there who have been watching for a while, we know that they generally don’t share those moments with the viewers, even though we all assume they happen. Any doubts I may have had about Becca going home instead of Kaitlyn were squashed in that instant. ABC is all about foreshadowing.

Okay, I lied. I also need to comment on the fantasy suite itself. Am I overstepping, or do we all think ABC gave them the steamiest of the suites? I mean, a heart tub with roses? Her room was much more 50-Shades than the other two.

Whitney’s date was once again the one I would have wanted. I’m a water person, as you all know, and so to be on a boat and just get to lie around all day and swim sounds like perfection to me. Even if that captain did crash into the dock. I appreciated that she and her spray tan had the conversation about her sister being a biotch with Chris, and giving the backstory of why she’s so overbearing. Surprisingly, Chris showed absolutely zero emotion about this and told her it was fine and makes her who she is. See also: every other conversation he’s had this season.

At dinner, Whitney and her BUN have a serious heart-to-heart with Chris about the future. First things first, she’s the realist, and when he asks about Arlington she tells it like it is.

Whitney: I worked really hard to get where I am today making babies for other people and so if you propose to me and make me move to your ghost town and it doesn’t work out I will bludgeon you to death with a corn husk.

She is super ready for the fantasy suite, and I am super ready by this point to get the dreaded Becca saga over with. So, let’s get on with it.

Becca’s hair gives zero fucks about the humidity and stays perfect all day. They visit the love medium who of course encourages them to have sex that night because that’s the only way two people can know if a relationship will work, right? Chris’ awkward giggle rears its ugly head yet again and the two mosey on to dinner where Becca promises the cameras no less than 75 times that she will tell Chris about being a virgin before they go to the fantasy suite.

Yeah, okay.

After she absolutely does not tell him at the dinner table, the two saunter up to the suite where she sits him down and tells him about being a virgin. Shockingly, Chris says that it’s part of who she is and says a lot about her character. It seems like all is going well until the next morning when, in Andi Dorfman fashion, he is pensively staring into the distance while his voice-over tells us that something isn’t right.

At the rose ceremony, Chris pulls Becca aside to address this, and while they talk on a stoop somewhere, Kaitlyn is gushing to the cameras about how excited she is that Becca is probably going home.

…Which pretty much means you’re going home because ABC aint no fool and showed that to throw everybody off.

I'm not hugging you guys. 

Becca returns, Kaitlyn is shocked then dumped while Whitney tries to control a smile as they leave. Kaitlyn will not make eye contact with Chris as he tries to explain himself, which we all know is his greatest strength. Kaitlyn is pithy and sarcastic generally, and it is pretty obvious that she’s not the teary-eyed pleading type. I was a little put-off by her attitude, but I can’t really make a judgment because I’m sure I would’ve thrown a chair or something if it was me. Chris hugs Kaitlyn who is just a limp noodle and the production crew high fives at the perfect audio clip of their hearts beating quickly into each other’s microphones. This is so awkward. Thank god for that rooster, right?

Next week, the Women Tell All and I cannot wait to see Kelsey try to apologize while being stoned by lipsticks from the audience. Will Britt have showered? Is Kaitlyn still heartbroken over Chris? Did Ashley I. get more eyelash extensions? It all happens next week, on the BACHELOR.

xoxo

Bachelor Chris: Week 7 Part 2

Almost 5 hours of Bachelor this week.  I had to stay up super late to finish the Sunday episode on DVR after the sorority meeting, but I’m not even mad about it. Seeing Britt walk over to the road and throw herself under the bus was arguably the most entertaining portion of this season. See you and your dry shampoo at the WTA.

He's totally gonna take me back. 

Britt:  Guys, I just packed my stuff.

Jade: Because you didn’t get one rose?

Britt: He, like, gave it to someone else.

Kaitlyn: I’m literally sitting right here.

No cocktail party? No problem. Britt will just make her own little cocktail party in the back. Only this time Chris is not having it. This is the second or third time she’s put him on the spot, the exception being that this time she did it in FRONT of everybody else. Oh, and the fact that Carly has been shitting on her for two weeks probably doesn’t help her cause. Oops.

 She starts off by apologizing for putting him on the spot while Chris nods incessantly. She then asks him if there’s anything he wants to say to her. Worst. Mistake. Of. Your. Life.

I can forgive Chris for all his bad conversations thus far because he FINALLY showed emotion and said what he was feeling. All the while, she is trying to talk over him and he is just getting louder and more forceful with her. She just wanted to be able to flutter her eyelashes and get out of it. NOT IN MY HOUSE.

The girls are now sitting down in the other room. How long were they gone for?

Britt finally gives up the fight and lets Chris say his peace. With her dying breath, rather than apologizing or thanking him for the experience, Britt instead decides to plead for the name of her narc. Chris doesn’t give up Carly’s name, but Britt is already on the war path. He shuts it down by saying that the way Carly reacted was how he wants someone to react in his future.

Which would’ve been romantic if he didn’t send her home ten minutes later.

Self-deprecating Carly gets in the Uber and drives away, wondering what’s wrong with her all the way home. ABC will definitely not pick her as the next Bachelorette because she played the role of the class clown this season, not the girl-next-door. I definitely think she could end up on Bachelor In Paradise, though. As could Britt, assuming she’s not still sitting in the front yard crying.

How about that Johnson & Johnson commercial? That baby was freaking adorable.

Hometown dates!

Historically, hometown dates give us an overbearing parent or sibling, somebody who blows it big time, somebody who lives in a mansion, and a serious sense of wondering how some of these people share genes. This episode did not disappoint. Starting with Becca.

Becca’s sister gives zero fucks about making this experience as uncomfortable as possible. She just told you she didn’t tell him about being a virgin. Why are you telling Chris that she’s not an intimate person? Why is your MOTHER also commenting on Becca’s conservative lifestyle? Why are you all basically insinuating that she’s a robot? LEAVE BRITNEY BECCA ALONE!

Chris must really like her, though, because this hometown was an unusual blend of boring and uncomfortable. Sort of like the time Kirk took Ali Fedotowsky to see his dad’s taxidermy collection.

Remember Kirk? I need to find out where that man got to.

Whitney’s hometown begged a lot of questions:

1.       How much paperwork did it take to get into this hospital with 400 cameras?

2.       What’s the point of a medical cap if your bangs are sticking out in front?

3.       Why is it always the ugly sister who feels the need to ruin it for the pretty one?                You’re already married. Step aside.

When Chris stopped Whitney outside her house to ask about getting a blessing, I thought she was going to cry. I really did. After all, she has cried over less significant things. But she kept it together. Probably because she knew her sister was waiting within. If he asked other parents for blessings, they didn’t show it. And if he didn’t ask, well, you know.

Whitney: Ok, listen, sister. I’ve seen this show. This is the part where the frontrunner doesn’t get a rose because her dumb sibling messes this up. Don’t mess this up for me.

Sister: I do what I want.

Good for Whitney for trying, but just like with Becca, a little family nonsense doesn’t seem to be swaying Chris. I think at this point he knows what he wants to do. All the rest is a formality.

No Blessing For You. 

Also, I think Whitney's sister is pretty obviously a descendant of Margaret Hamilton, a.k.a. the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. 

Kaitlyn is so fun. I will admit that she has grown on me. I’m pulling for her to be the new Bachelorette at this point, mostly because Jade is too shy, Carly is too sassy and Britt is too…much. Partially because we made a bet in my office and if she is the next Bachelorette, Joe and Jade owe me a coffee each.

Kaitlyn and Chris and their matching weird laughs enjoy a casual recording studio sesh.

Rhythm: 1 Chris: 0.

I would like to live in this condo in Arizona, please. The décor, the cute little patio fire pit, the well-balanced meal? I mean, come on! This looks like quite the life. I’m strangely unaffected by her parents and their new spouses cohabitating so nicely, too. Canadians for the win.  

Kaitlyn stole the idea for her billboard from Chris from last season when he flew a plane over the cornfields for Andi, so of course this goes over well.  

Kaitlyn: I want to give you 100% of me.

Chris: And you will. Next week in the fantasy suite.

Now, I know we’re all thinking that Chris ditched Jade this week because of her nudies, but one will never know for sure if he genuinely felt more connected to Becca and Kaitlyn. I’m excluding Whitney because I think we all are assuming she will reign victorious. I also know that the pickins for Bachelorette are slim, so I’m thinking maybe the producers had a hand in her being let go now instead of later. Plus, how trashy would he look if he took the girl who just told you about her sexual past to the fantasy suite and then dumped her right after? Yikes.

I knew Jade was a goner before the date was even halfway done. Jade’s dad asked Chris if he was falling in love with her. He responded honestly that he was, and that is totally cool for him to have admitted. What was totally UNcool was how ABC aired it. There was absolutely no way they would show Chris specifying whom he was falling in love with, let alone ONE girl exclusively, without her being the one let go that night. I again refer to the time Des said she was in love with Brooks and he left her alone on the dock. Call me crazy, but my vault of Bachelor episodes past always come in handy.

Jade gets the boot.

Wild mustangs gotta run free. 

Bachelor Chris - Week 7 Part 1

Happy President’s day, everyone! And what better way to honor our great nation than by celebrating its demise via a double-header of the Bachelor. Nothing says life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness like a bunch of crying women in a cornfield, am I right?

But first, we have to talk about a couple of things. First of all, this weekend I saw 50 Shades of Grey and the new Taylor Swift music video for Style. One I expected to love, the other I expected to make me cringe uncontrollably. I had it backwards. Taylor, why are you doing this to me, girl?

Also, did anybody see Ashley I. sporting this awesome shirt on Jimmy Kimmel?

Next, we have to talk about the completely unnecessary hour of Chris Harrison’s interviews with Kelsey, Chris and Andi.  The only thing I learned from this “Tell-All” was that Ashley S. was in fact picked straight from the loony bin, Andi doesn’t believe in nail polish, and Kelsey really truly believes she is smarter than everyone else on the show. Or in America, as it were, as she has stated that she’s moving to Paris to become a writer. Translation: no elementary school wants you guiding their children. That would just be too con-tro-ver-SEE-all.

Chris Harrison: Did you fake the panic attack?

Kelsey: No! And I never said anything bad about Ashley, either. Except that time I said she needed to go play dress-up and had too much makeup on and that I was above her and then tried to kill her with my eyes. We’re good friends.

Chris Harrison: Do you think you’re smarter than the rest of the girls?

Kelsey: (Three hours pass) No…but I do think Ashley thinks that. That’s why she got so upset.

Ma’am.

I’m not giving this another moment of my time. Goodbye, Kelsey. See you at the Women Tell All.

Skipping right to Andi because I was truly uncomfortable during this whole exchange. Like, Sarah McLachlan animal rescue uncomfortable. Any interview that starts with the interviewee in tears is not headed in a good direction. If the whole interview was six minutes, four of them were sniffling. I remember really liking Andi on Juan Pablo’s season until the very end, and then my affection for her deteriorated pretty quickly as the Bachelorette. I found her to be aggressive, a little holier-than-thou and at times just a little selfish. Which is funny because she credits that as the downfall of her relationship with Josh. Reader’s digest version: too many chiefs, not enough Indians. Sorry, Andi. But the upside is that this relationship was not your greatest failure in life so far. That award definitely goes to your ombre hair from 2013.

Thank god that crap is over. Let’s get to the real episode.

Although Megan didn’t have much of a place on this season, I was glad to see her excuse herself before being made to stand at the rose ceremony for another 4 hours. Plus, she probably caught wind that they were going to Iowa and that was just way too much international travel for her in one month.

  Carly must be the next Bachelorette. I just love her antics so much. I don’t think they would pick her, but gosh, what a season it would be.

Chris comes in and tells them they are off to Iowa. Carly falls to the floor with excitement and Britt tries to make sense of Chris’ face lighting up when he talked about his home state. “I can tell he really likes it there.”

Profound.

“Des Moines has a real metropolitan feel. “

 Metropolis: (n:) a very large and densely populated industrial and commercial city.

Hmm.

Jade goes to Arlington, population: Jade and Chris. Oh, and Jessica the cow. Don’t forget her. The whole town has cleared the streets to attend the Friday night football game, which is both cute and terrifying if you think about it. Jade assures Chris that he doesn’t need to be ashamed of his small town in hopes that he won’t be ashamed of her nudies all over the internet. Then again, we’re not even sure if they have the internet in Arlington.

Jade comes home and tells the ladies all about it. Everyone is fake-interested except Britt, who explodes into tears at the mention of chanting. Has she always wanted to be chanted at? I’m not sure what causes her to go from doe-eyed and cooing to hysterical instantaneously, but it is truly alarming how often it seems to occur.

1-on-1 with Whitney.

The 90s flannel rears its ugly head again.

Whitney has clearly gotten the dates I would want on this season. Spontaneous, meaningful, and a photoshoot. I think her and Jade have both obviously had the coolest dates so far, and as my mom would say, it’s theirs to lose at this point. Both have gotten really unique time to spend with him. The photoshoot is not a date you give to somebody who you think you’re sending home. ABC, I see you.

Carly wants to roadtrip to Arlington. Britt is all, “No, no, let him show us,” trying to be the voice of reason. Even better. We’ll go without your annoying ass. Maybe you can stay here and work on getting that glitter off your face from the week 3 rose ceremony.

Nobody cares what Britt thinks so they all pile into the Suburban and drive off to the cornfields of Arlington. Upon entering the town, they were completely aghast by the one or two blocks of run-down brick buildings and eerie silence. They’re all sort of backhandedly questioning if other people even live in this town.  You’re telling me none of you dummies googled it before you came on the show? Amateurs.

But then Carly sees a Jesus she recognizes and all is well again.

 Meanwhile, back in Des Moines, we’ve come to find out that Chris is quite possibly the only attractive human in Iowa.  He brings some of his buddies to meet Whitney, including the side talker and his alien friend. As usual, Whitney is REALLY excited about this. Like, REALLY excited. It all goes well and by the end of the night, you can kind of tell that she’s good to go on to the next episode.  Not to be insensitive, but this girl had no parents and no real extended family, so she’s kind of a perfect transplant to a farm, no?

Group dates this season have been some of the best ever. The badlands date? Amazing. Britt sneaks off to the Big & Rich concert only to be the subject of major shade throwing? Fabulous. But tonight, tonight is truly the epitome of awkward perfection. Carly uses her alone time to rat Britt out for being two-faced and Britt uses her alone time to take credit for the Arlington expedition.

 "WE DECIDED to go to Arlington…"

No the fuck you didn’t.

Fake. Fake. Fake.

 Besides her eyebrows, Carly is perfect. Carly for president.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the group rose and Britt temporarily considers ways to murder her. She doesn’t say it out loud, but I think we could all tell that’s what was happening. She’s starting to exhibit her serial killer tendencies. Weird nodding, weird finger flicking, blank stares. After several warnings from other girls, this tantrum could not have come at a better time.

Final nail? Meet coffin.

Bachelor Chris - Week 6

2 girls, one rose. 1 stays, one goes.

Can we just take a minute to let that soak in? Thank goodness the fantastic 2-on-1 date has returned after two seasons of hibernation. And man, was it back in full force last night. I don’t know about you all, but I can’t think of more gratifying way to get rid of Cleopatra and the Guidance Counselor than by dropping them in the desert and letting them spontaneously combust. Brilliant work on the part of ABC if they planned this date with these two in mind. And if they didn’t, that’s just embarrassing that somebody submitted “bed in the middle of desert” as a legitimate date.

You are so right, Kaitlyn. 

We rejoin the apathetic women as they sip wine and toast by the fire on what should have been the end of last week’s episode. Instead, Kelsey is writhing around on the floor and some woman is asking her about brownies while she received oxygen out of an ENORMOUS tank that somebody had in a backpack. Seriously, did you see that thing? That looks like the thing that killed Jaws. Anyway, Kelsey is able to sit up and use the face mask since she totally doesn’t wear makeup and is so real and was a wife once in case you didn’t know. She then informs the medic that she won’t be getting one but all nine roses up for grabs tonight. All the while, ABC is playing quirky, comical background music, clearly a giant middle finger in Kelsey’s direction.

She demands to see Chris and of course ABC obliges. Chris clearly has zero idea what was going on because he was too busy in the back trying to remember Samantha’s name to send her home. He comes in and reassures Kelsey that she looks beautiful, numerous times, and begs her not to kill him in his sleep.

She returns to the group, mink stole and all, to relieve them of their obvious worry for her health.  The emotional burden was just too much for her, okay? She then breaks into another one of her snoozeworthy dissertations about the meaning of life and how blessed they would be to go to Arlington Iowa. Arlington Iowa is the new Sanderson Poe. Did you know he lives in Arlington, Iowa? I know you all know he's from Iowa (except maybe Megan),but did you know he lives in Arlington? Because I do. Because I'm smart.

Meanwhile, Ashley I. is already crying because she doesn’t have a sad enough story to guarantee herself a rose. Trust me, honey, your story is plenty sad, just not in a dead spouse kind of way. More like an eye-rolling how-can-you-be-this-oblivious way.  Every week she sighs dramatically at the rose ceremony to let Chris know that she was not happy about not being called first. Or already having a rose from a one-on-one that we will never ever have the horror pleasure of witnessing. Anyway, Samantha and Mackenzie get the boot and I don’t think anybody noticed because they were all in shock from Kelsey’s name being called last. At this point, I know we were all thinking we wished Ashley S. was still around to lighten to mood.

 I can't even be excited about Mackenzie leaving because I’m too distracted by the terrible b-roll of South Dakota that is going on here.  You actually took them to a place called DEADWOOD. I can't think of a better description of this Bachelor, actually. But still, there had to be another “wild west” town with indoor plumbing in ABC’s price range.

The first date card arrives. It does not belong to Kelsey, and for that reason Becca should sleep with one eye open.  Honestly, Kelsey? Did you really think they were gonna give you a gun?

Becca’s date was super sweet and super normal and super cruel to that little donkey they introduced and then left tied to a tree. You actually didn’t see him again until the credits were rolling and the donkey was running in fear from the gunshot sound. That’s Bachelor-0 PETA-2 for this season so far.

Whitney is always drinking wine. It explains her constant state of smiling and serenity.

Carly is not over Kelsey’s antics and decides to band together with Whitney and Kaitlyn to confront her. Whitney starts it off, angelic as always, and Kelsey is quick to respond with the most genuine apology I’ve ever heard. Carly chimes in to let Kelsey know that though she be but little, she is fierce!

Carly: You’re fake and we know it and soon Chris will know it too.

Kelsey: I’m not fake, I’m conniving. They are different. God, I am so much smarter than all of you.

p.s. did anybody notice than when Carly started talking and she said, “WE feel…” that Kaitlyn’s head shot up like, “Oh, shit! Don’t put my name out there. I was just sitting here.”

"I know I know I'm eloquent. Everyone has their cross to bear."

Meanwhile, back on the actual date, Chris has strung together the most words he has all season. He’s comfortable with Becca, most likely because he knows he can’t just kiss her to pass the time. I think Becca is a normal contestant, which explains why she gets zero airtime, even during her own one-on-one.

The group date card comes and the most important part of this is that Ashley and Kelsey are not on the group date. 50% of my weekly stress will be gone by the end of this episode. Both women are independently telling the cameras that they can pretty much guarantee themselves the rose because the other is bonkers. The editing crew could honestly take a vacation at this point. Pure uncomfortable perfection.

Kelsey’s laugh is Vanessa from The Little Mermaid. Took me 6 weeks, but I finally figured it out.

This group date was the first time in Bachelor history that the contestants knew the artist who came to visit. After 6 moderate-to-awful songs, Chris decided that the best way to make this experience comfortable for everyone involved was to take Britt to a concert and let the other girls sit in a circle and talk about their feelings. Britt, who hates country according to Whitney, is gushing about how much she loves this music and how fun it is to be the center of attention. After all, everyone in that room wanted to be her, right?

Girl giving zero fucks about her iPhone in their face snapping pics in the background for the win.

Now, it’s not Britt's fault he took her away from the other girls. None of them in that

situation would have declined. That’s entirely on Chris, and I think it’s safe to say he probably already has or certainly will feel the brunt of that decision for weeks to come. And even though I’m not Britt’s biggest fan, I definitely feel for her a little bit coming back in and being up front and saying that she felt uncomfortable. But I also feel like karma is kind of a bitch and maybe you are a little fake and this was their chance to throw the shade at you that they’ve been holding for several weeks.

The 2-on-1 needs no introduction.

Ashley already had very little of my support, but referring to yourself as Glinda the good witch? Please don't even ruin a musical for me like that again. And enough kissing! Goodness gracious, woman! Kissing, crying, eye-rolling. Exactly, what else do you list on your resume? Oh, and you sealed your fate by mentioning Kelsey. I know he asked, but if you were actually a fan of this show, you would know that every time in the history of the world that a woman has said something about another contestant, she’s a goner. And I didn’t need my master’s degree to figure that out.

Chris is either an idiot or really trying to help out the producers by telling Kelsey that Ashley is a snitch. And as we all know, snitches get stiches, or in this case, burn marks from Kelsey’s laser beam eyes.

“I know what you did.” (Chills.)

Ashley fends off Kelsey’s attack with some harsh words the truth about Kelsey thinking she is smarter than everybody even though on paper they are equally educated.  She then runs away to prove this intelligence by crying some more and dragging Chris up a hill where she breaks into utter hysterics and covers her face to keep from shooting snot or eyelashes in his direction. Chris has had enough, and he lets Ashley know that she just isn’t going to fit in on the farm because there’s literally no one for her to fight with.  She uses her last dying breath to throw Britt under the bus about not fitting in in Iowa, which I—disgracefully—appreciated. And just like that, she was gone. Wait no, actually, she walked away and then came back to cry some more. And then she was gone.

Back at the ranch, the luckiest personal assistant in Bachelor history comes in to remove

Ashley’s luggage, much to the dismay of the remaining women.  They are legitimately crying over the loss of Ashley I. for maybe 20 minutes before Chris tells Kelsey that she’s not coming with to Iowa, either, and the same PA gets to come in and take the other suitcase out as well. But don’t worry, guys, because Kelsey is above it. She is here (hand motion). Christmas morning ensues, and everything is warm and good in the world.

Until next week when Britt breaks down and all hell breaks loose.

Until next time…

xoxo