Happy President’s day, everyone!
And what better way to honor our great nation than by celebrating its demise via
a double-header of the Bachelor. Nothing says life, liberty and the pursuit of
happiness like a bunch of crying women in a cornfield, am I right?
But first, we have to talk about
a couple of things. First of all, this weekend I saw 50 Shades of Grey and the
new Taylor Swift music video for Style.
One I expected to love, the other I expected to make me cringe uncontrollably.
I had it backwards. Taylor, why are you doing this to me, girl?
Also, did anybody see Ashley I. sporting this awesome shirt on Jimmy Kimmel?
Next, we have to talk about the
completely unnecessary hour of Chris Harrison’s interviews with Kelsey, Chris
and Andi. The only thing I learned from
this “Tell-All” was that Ashley S. was in fact picked straight from the loony
bin, Andi doesn’t believe in nail polish, and Kelsey really truly believes she
is smarter than everyone else on the show. Or in America, as it were, as she
has stated that she’s moving to Paris to become a writer. Translation: no
elementary school wants you guiding
their children. That would just be too con-tro-ver-SEE-all.
Chris Harrison: Did you fake the
panic attack?
Kelsey: No! And I never said
anything bad about Ashley, either. Except that time I said she needed to go
play dress-up and had too much makeup on and that I was above her and then
tried to kill her with my eyes. We’re good friends.
Chris Harrison: Do you think you’re
smarter than the rest of the girls?
Kelsey: (Three hours pass) No…but
I do think Ashley thinks that. That’s why she got so upset.
Ma’am.
I’m not giving this another
moment of my time. Goodbye, Kelsey. See you at the Women Tell All.
Skipping right to Andi because I
was truly uncomfortable during this whole exchange. Like, Sarah McLachlan
animal rescue uncomfortable. Any interview that starts with the interviewee in
tears is not headed in a good direction. If the whole interview was six minutes,
four of them were sniffling. I remember really liking Andi on Juan Pablo’s
season until the very end, and then my affection for her deteriorated pretty
quickly as the Bachelorette. I found her to be aggressive, a little
holier-than-thou and at times just a little selfish. Which is funny because she
credits that as the downfall of her relationship with Josh. Reader’s digest
version: too many chiefs, not enough Indians. Sorry, Andi. But the upside is
that this relationship was not your greatest failure in life so far. That award
definitely goes to your ombre hair from 2013.
Thank god that crap is over. Let’s
get to the real episode.
Although Megan didn’t have much
of a place on this season, I was glad to see her excuse herself before being
made to stand at the rose ceremony for another 4 hours. Plus, she probably
caught wind that they were going to Iowa and that was just way too much
international travel for her in one month.
Carly
must be the next Bachelorette. I just love her antics so much. I don’t think
they would pick her, but gosh, what a season it would be.
Chris comes in and tells them
they are off to Iowa. Carly falls to the floor with excitement and Britt tries
to make sense of Chris’ face lighting up when he talked about his home state. “I
can tell he really likes it there.”
Profound.
“Des Moines has a real
metropolitan feel. “
Metropolis: (n:) a very large and densely populated industrial and commercial
city.
Hmm.
Jade goes to Arlington,
population: Jade and Chris. Oh, and Jessica the cow. Don’t forget her. The
whole town has cleared the streets to attend the Friday night football game,
which is both cute and terrifying if you think about it. Jade assures Chris
that he doesn’t need to be ashamed of his small town in hopes that he won’t be
ashamed of her nudies all over the internet. Then again, we’re not even sure if
they have the internet in Arlington.
Jade comes home and tells the
ladies all about it. Everyone is fake-interested except Britt, who explodes
into tears at the mention of chanting. Has she always wanted to be chanted at? I’m
not sure what causes her to go from doe-eyed and cooing to hysterical
instantaneously, but it is truly alarming how often it seems to occur.
1-on-1 with Whitney.
The 90s flannel rears its ugly
head again.
Whitney has clearly gotten the
dates I would want on this season. Spontaneous, meaningful, and a photoshoot. I
think her and Jade have both obviously had the coolest dates so far, and as my
mom would say, it’s theirs to lose at this point. Both have gotten really unique
time to spend with him. The photoshoot is not a date you give to somebody who
you think you’re sending home. ABC, I see you.
Carly wants to roadtrip to
Arlington. Britt is all, “No, no, let him show us,” trying to be the voice of
reason. Even better. We’ll go without your annoying ass. Maybe you can stay
here and work on getting that glitter off your face from the week 3 rose
ceremony.
Nobody cares what Britt thinks so
they all pile into the Suburban and drive off to the cornfields of Arlington.
Upon entering the town, they were completely aghast by the one or two blocks of
run-down brick buildings and eerie silence. They’re all sort of backhandedly questioning
if other people even live in this town. You’re
telling me none of you dummies googled it before you came on the show? Amateurs.
But then Carly sees a Jesus she
recognizes and all is well again.
Meanwhile, back in Des Moines, we’ve come to
find out that Chris is quite possibly the only attractive human in Iowa. He brings some of his buddies to meet Whitney,
including the side talker and his alien friend. As usual, Whitney is REALLY
excited about this. Like, REALLY excited. It all goes well and by the end of
the night, you can kind of tell that she’s good to go on to the next episode. Not to be insensitive, but this girl had no
parents and no real extended family, so she’s kind of a perfect transplant to a
farm, no?
Group dates this season have been
some of the best ever. The badlands date? Amazing. Britt sneaks off to the Big
& Rich concert only to be the subject of major shade throwing? Fabulous.
But tonight, tonight is truly the epitome of awkward perfection. Carly uses her
alone time to rat Britt out for being two-faced and Britt uses her alone time
to take credit for the Arlington expedition.
"WE DECIDED to go to Arlington…"
No the fuck you didn’t.
Fake. Fake. Fake.
Besides her eyebrows, Carly is perfect. Carly
for president.
Chris gives Kaitlyn the group
rose and Britt temporarily considers ways to murder her. She doesn’t say it out
loud, but I think we could all tell that’s what was happening. She’s starting
to exhibit her serial killer tendencies. Weird nodding, weird finger flicking,
blank stares. After several warnings from other girls, this tantrum could not
have come at a better time.
Final nail? Meet coffin.
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