Bachelor Chris - Week 6

2 girls, one rose. 1 stays, one goes.

Can we just take a minute to let that soak in? Thank goodness the fantastic 2-on-1 date has returned after two seasons of hibernation. And man, was it back in full force last night. I don’t know about you all, but I can’t think of more gratifying way to get rid of Cleopatra and the Guidance Counselor than by dropping them in the desert and letting them spontaneously combust. Brilliant work on the part of ABC if they planned this date with these two in mind. And if they didn’t, that’s just embarrassing that somebody submitted “bed in the middle of desert” as a legitimate date.

You are so right, Kaitlyn. 

We rejoin the apathetic women as they sip wine and toast by the fire on what should have been the end of last week’s episode. Instead, Kelsey is writhing around on the floor and some woman is asking her about brownies while she received oxygen out of an ENORMOUS tank that somebody had in a backpack. Seriously, did you see that thing? That looks like the thing that killed Jaws. Anyway, Kelsey is able to sit up and use the face mask since she totally doesn’t wear makeup and is so real and was a wife once in case you didn’t know. She then informs the medic that she won’t be getting one but all nine roses up for grabs tonight. All the while, ABC is playing quirky, comical background music, clearly a giant middle finger in Kelsey’s direction.

She demands to see Chris and of course ABC obliges. Chris clearly has zero idea what was going on because he was too busy in the back trying to remember Samantha’s name to send her home. He comes in and reassures Kelsey that she looks beautiful, numerous times, and begs her not to kill him in his sleep.

She returns to the group, mink stole and all, to relieve them of their obvious worry for her health.  The emotional burden was just too much for her, okay? She then breaks into another one of her snoozeworthy dissertations about the meaning of life and how blessed they would be to go to Arlington Iowa. Arlington Iowa is the new Sanderson Poe. Did you know he lives in Arlington, Iowa? I know you all know he's from Iowa (except maybe Megan),but did you know he lives in Arlington? Because I do. Because I'm smart.

Meanwhile, Ashley I. is already crying because she doesn’t have a sad enough story to guarantee herself a rose. Trust me, honey, your story is plenty sad, just not in a dead spouse kind of way. More like an eye-rolling how-can-you-be-this-oblivious way.  Every week she sighs dramatically at the rose ceremony to let Chris know that she was not happy about not being called first. Or already having a rose from a one-on-one that we will never ever have the horror pleasure of witnessing. Anyway, Samantha and Mackenzie get the boot and I don’t think anybody noticed because they were all in shock from Kelsey’s name being called last. At this point, I know we were all thinking we wished Ashley S. was still around to lighten to mood.

 I can't even be excited about Mackenzie leaving because I’m too distracted by the terrible b-roll of South Dakota that is going on here.  You actually took them to a place called DEADWOOD. I can't think of a better description of this Bachelor, actually. But still, there had to be another “wild west” town with indoor plumbing in ABC’s price range.

The first date card arrives. It does not belong to Kelsey, and for that reason Becca should sleep with one eye open.  Honestly, Kelsey? Did you really think they were gonna give you a gun?

Becca’s date was super sweet and super normal and super cruel to that little donkey they introduced and then left tied to a tree. You actually didn’t see him again until the credits were rolling and the donkey was running in fear from the gunshot sound. That’s Bachelor-0 PETA-2 for this season so far.

Whitney is always drinking wine. It explains her constant state of smiling and serenity.

Carly is not over Kelsey’s antics and decides to band together with Whitney and Kaitlyn to confront her. Whitney starts it off, angelic as always, and Kelsey is quick to respond with the most genuine apology I’ve ever heard. Carly chimes in to let Kelsey know that though she be but little, she is fierce!

Carly: You’re fake and we know it and soon Chris will know it too.

Kelsey: I’m not fake, I’m conniving. They are different. God, I am so much smarter than all of you.

p.s. did anybody notice than when Carly started talking and she said, “WE feel…” that Kaitlyn’s head shot up like, “Oh, shit! Don’t put my name out there. I was just sitting here.”

"I know I know I'm eloquent. Everyone has their cross to bear."

Meanwhile, back on the actual date, Chris has strung together the most words he has all season. He’s comfortable with Becca, most likely because he knows he can’t just kiss her to pass the time. I think Becca is a normal contestant, which explains why she gets zero airtime, even during her own one-on-one.

The group date card comes and the most important part of this is that Ashley and Kelsey are not on the group date. 50% of my weekly stress will be gone by the end of this episode. Both women are independently telling the cameras that they can pretty much guarantee themselves the rose because the other is bonkers. The editing crew could honestly take a vacation at this point. Pure uncomfortable perfection.

Kelsey’s laugh is Vanessa from The Little Mermaid. Took me 6 weeks, but I finally figured it out.

This group date was the first time in Bachelor history that the contestants knew the artist who came to visit. After 6 moderate-to-awful songs, Chris decided that the best way to make this experience comfortable for everyone involved was to take Britt to a concert and let the other girls sit in a circle and talk about their feelings. Britt, who hates country according to Whitney, is gushing about how much she loves this music and how fun it is to be the center of attention. After all, everyone in that room wanted to be her, right?

Girl giving zero fucks about her iPhone in their face snapping pics in the background for the win.

Now, it’s not Britt's fault he took her away from the other girls. None of them in that

situation would have declined. That’s entirely on Chris, and I think it’s safe to say he probably already has or certainly will feel the brunt of that decision for weeks to come. And even though I’m not Britt’s biggest fan, I definitely feel for her a little bit coming back in and being up front and saying that she felt uncomfortable. But I also feel like karma is kind of a bitch and maybe you are a little fake and this was their chance to throw the shade at you that they’ve been holding for several weeks.

The 2-on-1 needs no introduction.

Ashley already had very little of my support, but referring to yourself as Glinda the good witch? Please don't even ruin a musical for me like that again. And enough kissing! Goodness gracious, woman! Kissing, crying, eye-rolling. Exactly, what else do you list on your resume? Oh, and you sealed your fate by mentioning Kelsey. I know he asked, but if you were actually a fan of this show, you would know that every time in the history of the world that a woman has said something about another contestant, she’s a goner. And I didn’t need my master’s degree to figure that out.

Chris is either an idiot or really trying to help out the producers by telling Kelsey that Ashley is a snitch. And as we all know, snitches get stiches, or in this case, burn marks from Kelsey’s laser beam eyes.

“I know what you did.” (Chills.)

Ashley fends off Kelsey’s attack with some harsh words the truth about Kelsey thinking she is smarter than everybody even though on paper they are equally educated.  She then runs away to prove this intelligence by crying some more and dragging Chris up a hill where she breaks into utter hysterics and covers her face to keep from shooting snot or eyelashes in his direction. Chris has had enough, and he lets Ashley know that she just isn’t going to fit in on the farm because there’s literally no one for her to fight with.  She uses her last dying breath to throw Britt under the bus about not fitting in in Iowa, which I—disgracefully—appreciated. And just like that, she was gone. Wait no, actually, she walked away and then came back to cry some more. And then she was gone.

Back at the ranch, the luckiest personal assistant in Bachelor history comes in to remove

Ashley’s luggage, much to the dismay of the remaining women.  They are legitimately crying over the loss of Ashley I. for maybe 20 minutes before Chris tells Kelsey that she’s not coming with to Iowa, either, and the same PA gets to come in and take the other suitcase out as well. But don’t worry, guys, because Kelsey is above it. She is here (hand motion). Christmas morning ensues, and everything is warm and good in the world.

Until next week when Britt breaks down and all hell breaks loose.

Until next time…

xoxo