Bachelor Ben: Episode 2

Ciao! I have returned from the land of pasta and crazy driving and am totally ready to talk Bachelor. It was horrifying to find I couldn’t use my ABC app internationally and that I would have to wait twelve days to be caught up on the season, until I returned and found out that this season is turning out to be about as exciting as a rice cake. No matter, let’s dive in.

We open with shirtless Ben fixing his hair with water and I just wanted to spoon my own eyes out in that moment. Leave it alone. He’s not hot Sean and he’s never going to be. Let him be barefoot-tea-drinking-Ben, okay?

Time for a group date. ABC senses the impending doom of the season so naturally they send the best and brightest to the high school themed date where we learn that nobody knows what Indiana is and that Lace might not be able to read.  

 

Jubilee: I will not murder Lace, but she may tactfully disappear.

Nobody expected it to come down to crazy Mandi and what’s-her-face and I certainly don’t think Ben was even one iota excited that Mandi came barreling barefoot through the finish line and into his arms. But if we’re being honest, the lesson we learn from this is that, in life, it doesn’t matter if you try your hardest and follow the rules. Ultimately, if you’re weird as hell and possibly on drugs, you can’t stay on the Bachelor. Bye, Mandi.

After everyone changes out of their crop tops, Becca steals Ben away first to show him that she’s not a complete waste of space and can make at least 4 free throws in a row. True or false: Becca said more words during this exchange than she did in the entire season with Chris? TRUE!

I don’t know who Jennifer is yet but Ben kissed her and I’m just glad it wasn’t Mandi.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Olivia says that the date card coming is the only thing getting her through the day. Um, we already learned that you guys just got there yesterday. Did you swim in the pool? Did you even walk around this mansion? Have you unpacked your toothbrush? How could you be struggling already? Oh yeah, I forgot. Because you are a mean girl with the mouth a size of a black hole.

Lace is talking to Ben, reassuring him that she’s not crazy – we prefer the term mentally ill – and he’s just sitting there taking it, mostly because she interrupts him every other word. Jubilee comes and swoops in (no wonder Ben likes her so much) and Lace is not entertained. Jubilee tells Ben she was adopted and has a lot of love for the charity work she saw him do once on instagram.

Lace decides she will go back to talk to Ben because she didn’t get enough time, and instead of lurking patiently behind a wall like she normally does, she busts right in on LB’s time with Ben leading with, “I’m not crazy, I just need one more minute…”  LB got up real quick because she’s trying not to be a casualty of this barnyard explosion and would rather go eat the spinach dip anyway.

Fresh off her embarrassing geography blunder, JoJo is feeling some type of way about not getting to talk to Ben at all when he whisks her away to a rooftop where they kiss and talk about how she’s never been on a roof before.

JoJo: I'm glad you took the time to get to know me.

Ben: The best 8 minutes of my life.

Caila gets the one-on-one and what better way to spice it up but by throwing Ice Cube and Kevin Hart in the mix. They casually drive through L.A. and visit a liquor store before getting into a hot tub display at a store. Too bad they didn’t end with a nap at Sleepy’s. Later, they have a great conversation about why Caila hasn’t found the right guy, but all I can think about is that poor chicken who lost its life for no reason because nobody is eating.

Her hair tho.

Then Ben has a special unprecedented Bachelor surprise. A Grade D artist is going to serenade them while dancing awkwardly in a circle.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING. BEN IS SINGING TO HER.

I’ve definitely felt weird about some of the group dates they’ve had on this show before, but never have I felt the terror I experienced watching the smelling date. As you all know, without the ability to smell, I often fear I smell of eggs and soccer cleats. I keep a men’s deodorant in my desk drawer, my car, my purse and my bathroom at all times. Feel free to check. So naturally, this date gave me the ultimate heeby jeebies.

 “She smells flowery, this one smells beachy, this one smells like Spuds.”

Olivia of course scores amazingly high at this completely unscientific test while Samantha tries to get to the root of what smells sour on her. Olivia cautions Samantha that if Ben is a big believer in Science, she would be concerned. If Ben is a big believer in Science, he SHOULD be concerned that a dinosaur managed to squeak through time undetected and ended up on his show.

At the after party, Olivia steals Ben away immediately and the rest are left to plot her demise. But not so fast, Dino, because here comes flight attendant Lauren to swoop in and steal him away.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING HE PRINTED HER HAD A PRODUCER PRINT LAUREN A PIC OF HERSELF!

I’ve said before that if I were on this show, I would enjoy every minute living in somebody else’s mansion and eating their food and making friends, despite the fact that nobody does any of these things on the show. Lauren straight up tells Ben she made friends and is having fun and this makes her the coolest contestant ever.

Ben was talking to Amanda at the cocktail party and touched her leg and I immediately realized how often I would have to shave on this show. Certainly more than once a season. But on a serious note, she can stay forever because every time he says my her name, I get all warm and fuzzy.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING. THEY’RE MAKING BARRETTES.

In the end, LB decided that Oklahoma fashion was more exciting than Ben (probably true) and peaced out on her own along with sour Samantha, crazy Mandi and this girl. 

Yeah, me neither. 

So long, suckers. 

Bachelor Ben: Premiere!

Jade bought me a Taylor Swift notebook a while back and shortly before the New Year I started using it as a journal. Looking back at my first entry sometime December (okay, it was Taylor’s birthday because duh), I wrote something about feeling a big change coming on in my life soon and while I didn’t know what was to come, my intuition was feeling that something mayjah was on its way. At that moment, I thought maybe the big change for 2016 would be a boy, a new job or breaking four miles on the treadmill, but I was seriously mistaken. My intuition was preparing me for something far greater. I was getting ready for:

THE LEAST DRAMATIC SEASON IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

Many moons ago, the Bachelor was really just a show about finding love and included moderately-ridiculous dates and slightly above-average looking humans. This phenomenon we see here today is not what it once was, much to the chagrin of old schoolists like my mother. “I don’t need all that dramatic stuff! I want to see him get to know them,” she said to me on the way to work today during our daily morning face time. I kindly reminded her that she was the minority in that matter and that most people like the fighting, love the drama and care very little about the love part until, like, week 9 when the villain finally gets the boot.

Coming off a season like Kaitlyn’s—with that absurd season preview where you KNEW she did one of them during the season and then was seen telling them all on a cozy huddle all about it—it’s hard to imagine what could occur to top such an ordeal. Enter stage left: Ben, the nicest human on earth, whose preview for the season got about as juicy as, “Olivia is not who he thinks she is.” If that’s all they could pull for the preview, which is usually much more exciting than the actual season, I shudder to think that Ben might actually not have a dramatic season at all. He might actually have a season about…love.

Which I’m kind of okay with. This might be the season that the Bachelor just lets Ben do things his way. He had one brief shirtless scene, few dramatic staring-off-into-the-distance shots, and not nearly as many puns as usual. So, in summation, I’m foreseeing that this season is able to top the others simply for being different and getting back to the roots of this show.

And now, onto the slaughter episode.

Ben first goes to Indiana where some people cheered for him and then he sat in some Adirondack chairs with his parents and talked about feeling unlovable. His dad told him he really understood that, so we’re off to a good supportive start. Also, #realtalk here, I had to google if there were lakes in Indiana because I had a hard time getting on board with that concept.

Then, not shown on tv, Ben went and got the sides of his hair faded for absolutely no reason.

The limos arrive and the most notable entrances of course go to Ben’s skinny tie and Chris Harrison’s black-on-silver ensemble. Well done, sir. Divorce suits you (see what I did there?). 

I have a soft spot for Lauren B. already. She seems genuine and I appreciate that she took a risk with that dress color in mid-October. Shoutout to JoJo aka unicorn who seems like she is going to be a favorite of mine as well as LB who gives off the calm, cool and collected vibe I think he’s going for. And Caila! Precious angel Caila. When she doesn’t win, I think she’ll def be a shoe-in for Paradise next summer.

But that’s about as far as my kindness stretches because the rest of these women are busted. Let’s start with Mandi. Now, those of you who know me well know you can’t call me Mandy. Some of you refuse my request and do it anyway, but hopefully you will now understand why I desperately hate to be called the ‘M’ word. I’m sure there are nice Mandis out there. I even know one or two. But for every one nice Mandy, there are ten to twelve out there ruining it for the rest of us and this whack is no exception. Dress was cute, though.

Leah, you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted. And you chose to bend over and spend upwards of ten minutes gathering your tulle to throw arguably the worst football snap in history. Girl got a rose, though. Respect.

To the girl who made him a save-the-date, pump the brakes on your crazy train. What part of that seemed like a good idea during the ten minutes it took to order that from snapfish?

Lauren (XQVHJ?) threw that bouquet at him and immediately threw away her side-pony chances at love. You and other social media stalker Lauren can ride Maegen’s tiny pony off into the sunset while she and Jubilee compare guns in the backyard. But make sure you pick up all of Breanne’s bread from the driveway first. Somebody better eat it. That right there is a crime.

If I went on the Bachelor, which would be an egregious mistake on the producer’s part, I would bring Spuds as my offering. Boom! Hometown.

The cocktail party was like, five minutes of this whole episode but I guess that’s all they needed to show us the crazy to come.  My girl Lace is out for blood and make no mistake about it, it has nothing to do with the chardonnay. That girl is crazy all on her own. I told you in my preview blog that she was likely under your beds. I hope you all checked like I suggested.

On more than one occasion, red velvet sidekick can be seen trying to escape Lace’s talons and failing miserably. Poor Emma Stone Laura is just trying to get some one-on-one time with Ben and somehow every time we turn around, she’s been cornered by Lace in a scene eerily reminiscent of Regina George.

Lace: You look, like, way better in that dress.

Laura: Wow, thank you.

Lace: So you agree? You think you look way better in that dress?

Only this time we have two Karen Smiths appearing to us in the forms of Haley and Emily, the twins. By the grace of god, it appears at some point that they end up on the 2-on-1 date together and I couldn’t be more thankful about the prospect of him sending them both home at the same time. I’d rather hear them cry in unison than have to hear them cry separately.

So by this point, everyone has arrived (smirkface emoji) and Ben tries to give the usual “Here’s to a good night” speech but is thwarted by Mandi who is, like, really concerned about his gums. The pinball game begins as lady after lady steals Ben away to tell him how down-to-earth and normal she is when—ding dong—here comes Becca and Amber to ruin their day. Okay, actually just Becca. The room immediately fills with outcries of fairness about how Becca got her chance and blew it. Um, if anyone deserves a pass on this one, it’s her. Because farmer Chris.

After some nice chit chat laser beam death eyes from the other ladies, Becca finds Ben who is being bored to death by Lauren (JTFCB?) in a quiet room somewhere. Ben is excited to see her, but nowhere near as excited as this Lauren chick who fangirls out a little over Becca and gets up and bows out gracefully before she is even asked.

Lauren (NPEKL?): Aw, fuck this, I can’t compete with that. Let me go get some of those toquitos before they’re all gone.

They talk briefly, probably about the new carpets in the mansion this season, when Amber arrives and Becca pretty much has to introduce Ben to her because he sure as hell didn’t know who she was. They both end up with roses, though, which seems like the logical thing to do since he gave the twins roses, too.

Later, Lace tries to make out with Ben and while he is politely telling her why that’s not really his plan for night one, Mandi swoops in again just to check on his molars. I never thought I’d be saying this, but god bless Mandi. Lace is obviously pissed about getting denied, but what is worse is that Ben felt bad about it afterwards. He is such a gentlemen that he goes back to apologize for not being able to explain himself better. This man is perfect. But, in the future, let’s use that charm on somebody worthy.

Counselor time: Lace has two sides; lust and bitch. She uses her looks to get what she wants, and when she doesn’t get it, she turns into a bitch. Plain and simple, this is deeply rooted in a self-confidence issue and or a childhood of being spoiled and never told no. Also, please open your mouth when you speak. It’s really hard to hear you with your jaw clenched shut.

The rose ceremony sends home Laura, who is probably pretty happy to be getting away from Lace, Izzy in the onesie, Lauren #3, bread-smashing Breanne, Maegen (but not her pony), chicken-loving Tiara (Sheila will be happy to see you), and Jessica. Yeah, me neither. I had to look it up.

The exit interviews are pretty much what you’d expect from night one. The sun is basically coming up and these trainwrecks just want to get Wendy’s and go home. Oh, except Breanne, who is actually crying, probably because she’s hungry.

Immediately, Lace pulls Ben aside to talk about how incredibly rude it was that he didn’t look at her specifically during the rose ceremony. Ben double-checks that she indeed is upset about eye-contact and reminds her that there are 20 other women here and probably runs off to check with the camera guy to see if he can rescind her rose. Not until next week, Ben.

They didn’t really show Amanda or JoJo or LB much this episode, which is a great sign for things to come. I also am adding Lauren B. into my top 5 because right now she is a shining beacon of blonde light amongst brunettes. Caila snags my coveted fifth spot, but I’m sticking Rachel on as my dark horse. Also, I don’t really care about Olivia because she looks like a dinosaur and apparently turns out to be an assailing beach monster later on this season. The center part is aggressive, make no mistake.

So, what do we think? Until next time…

xoxo,

Amanda

p.s. I will be in Italy for the next two episodes, so hang tight until I get back. I swear I won't forget about you and your needs. 

Bachelor Ben - Season Preview

Every year, the holidays come and go and suddenly we find ourselves back at our desks

crying over the disasters we left here back in December. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel this year in the form of a tall, dark and handsome man. Bachelor Ben is back, ladies and gentlemen, which means the blog is back, too. Your Christmas wish is my command.

Last season around this time, I was having a conversation with my friend and viewing partner, Mary, about the pictures that ABC posted of the bachelors on Kaitlyn’s season. I was of course scouring through them on the day of the premiere and remember DISTINCTLY having serious feels for Ben even then. Those weird headshots are usually not indicative of how attractive or fucking weird awful they turn out to be, but his was spot-on from day one. I love me some Ben.

So I got to thinking this year that I should probably record some of my pre-premiere opinions on the blog so we can go back and laugh later throughout the season. I have a feeling this season won’t be as ridiculous as others because Ben doesn’t really strike me as a BS kind of guy, but I’m sure there are some characters in the bunch. Here’s what I see so far:

You can see the ABC bios here:

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast

I’ll start by saying that more than one of these women answered the question “If you could be anybody for a day” with the correct answer of Taylor Swift so we are off to a good start. A few of them also made good jokes, so I like the vibe of this crew so far.  Here are some notable observations:

Amber and Becca are both back from previous seasons. You’ll remember Becca as the beautiful virgin who dodged a huge bullet in the form of Chris Soules during that finale. And you won’t remember Amber so it’s almost like you’ll be meeting her for the first time.

Amanda- Only mentioning her because of her name. She’s an outdoorsy mom who likes nutella. Minus the ombre, we’re off to a good start.

Breanne- Given the option to be any fruit or vegetable, she picked a carrot and said the best way to get a man’s attention is to smize. Gives off the vibe of being a strong independent woman…or a closet serial killer. TBD.

Caila: Free spirit. Great hair. Looks like she’ll be about half Ben’s height. Says she wants 3 kids because 5 people fit in most cars. Thinking ahead, Caila.

Twins: That really needs no description.

Izzy: I hope this girl doesn’t turn out to be a queen B because I kind of want to be her friend. She’s got a cool job and seems laid back. I’ll be pissed if she turns out to suck.

Jackie: She’s a gerontologist. I spent all the time I would’ve writing her description googling wtf that is.

P.S. I still don’t know.

I’m skipping Jami because I don’t really care have much to say.

Jennifer seems adorable. All her fave movies are faves of mine and she also seems to have a good sense of humor.

Jessica seems like a former soccer player who has a deep voice and might beat the shit out of Ben.

JoJo- Looks like Isla Fisher (look it up) and mentioned Taylor Swift so….

Jubilee- Army vet who said her ideal Saturday night was a manage a trois with her pillow and blanket. So, she’s def getting my add on instagram.

Lace- Now there’s a nutjob if I’ve ever seen one. Idk what it is but this girl may very well be under your bed right now so make sure you check before you turn off the lights.

Laura: Looks like she’s about 17.

LB: A fashion buyer from Oklahoma? I’m intrigued. She just seems like a down-to-earth gal. She looks like one of our old tour guides, Gianna, whom I love dearly, so maybe that’s why. If you’re reading this, Hi G!

Lauren B: Love all of her answers. I have this sinking feeling, though, that Ben likes brunettes and us blondies might not last that long (yes, I said us).

Lauren H: Seems like an air head.

Lauren R: Enough with the Laurens. But seriously, she seems cool but I had this “That’s So Raven” moment of her getting sent home on a one-on-one or two-on-one date. Idk why, but I see a fiery demise for this one.

Leah: Mentioned that skydiving is on her bucket list as well as flying in a helicopter. You do realize that, in telling them this, you will never get to do those things on this show. You can only scale a building if you’re terrified. Rookies.

Maegen and Mandi: Putting them together because of their name spelling and also because I assume both will be out night one.

Olivia: No lie, I just saw her tiny pic and said “This girl looks like she works on tv.” I shit you not, she’s a damn news anchor. Do we remember Amy from a few seasons ago? Who did her news shtick and immediately got sent home? Yikes.

Rachel you precious unemployed angel. I hope she turns out sweet because she reminds me of Des. Could she be the next bachelorette?

Shushanna: Country girl turned city chic. But why are her parents so cruel?

Tiara: Chicken enthusiast.

So based on my very surface-level  inspection, I say these five gals will be the ones to watch:

Izzy, JoJo, LB, Rachel & Shushanna

Although I fully reserve the right to change my mind once I see them tonight. But for now, these are my thoughts. See you all later…

xoxo,

Amanda

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All

Raise your hand if the Men Tell All isn’t your favorite episode of the season. You, with your hand up? You can leave.

Last night was not as shocking as some Tell Alls have been in the past, but I appreciated it nonetheless. As usual, you had some men show up looking different than what you remember from TV because they saw themselves and were appalled (I’m looking at you, Jared). Others took the social queue to finish out their contract silently in the back row instead of causing a(nother) scene (Ryan and Tony the healer), and some just straight didn’t show up(Ryan M. Cory without the E and Daniel).  

Overall, the theme of the night was that Kaitlyn is going to do what she wants, even if that means bringing in a man mid-season or telling another that he’s THE ONE a month in. Newsflash, dudes, they’re the final two. If you can’t make the inference now with these context clues, nobody can help you.

I’ll start by asking the question on everyone’s mind: who drew the short straw and had to light allllll of those candles along the stage? I mean, there were at least 40,000. I was so distracted by them that I missed a lot of the complaining. But here is what I did catch.

The trailer for Bachelor in Paradise is everything I hoped it would be and more. Some of you may not know this about me, but Bachelor Pad and Bachelor in Paradise are actually my favorite part of the franchise. Guilty as charged, I actually prefer to see the randos go at it because you rarely get to see them in all of their glory on the other seasons because you are forced to focus on the Bach or Bachelorette. Nay! I want to see the whatsherfaces and whatwashisnameagains fight and make out on beaches. Let the judgment ensue.

We start immediately with some of the earliest-evicted suitors yammering on about the Clint thing, and then the Clint and JJ thing, and then the Ian thing and then the Nick thing. Corey with an ‘E’ is not happy and complains, like, the entire episode. Kupah Troopa, who could have easily sat silently in the background and faded off into oblivion, decided to go on a rant about how Kaitlyn is basically the worst Bachelorette ever and didn’t portray herself well. Corey is all about this and backs Kupah up by suggesting that Kaitlyn was a disgraceful Bach. Air high five between these two loosahs. But the precious angel that is Ben H. is having none of it.

Ben H. How many weeks were you around?

America:

We briefly discuss Clint and it went something like this:

All the men: Clint was nice the first night and then he got cocky after his deep sea one-on-one.

Clint: I never said I was a role model.

JJ takes the hot seat to discuss his bromance with Clint. One might assume that, given three months off to contemplate how to address the issue on the impending national tv special, JJ would’ve come up with a better way to explain the situation than saying he was “intellectually curious” about Clint. Instead, he tried to blame his bad jokes on his particular “brand of humor.” No, JJ. It’s not that. You’re just actually a fucking idiot. Meanwhile, Joe Bailey is hysterically laughing nearby. It is probably exactly what I would’ve been doing.

Joe Bailey for VP (I think we all know who I want for Prez. Then I can live out my Olivia Pope dreams).

Now Ian is on his knees beginning for forgiveness from the men. I think it worked, or terrified them, because everyone kind of nodded and just silently hoped he and his tight pants would go back to his seat. I don’t know. I was uncomfortable.

Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t really care about Ben Z. He’s probs not the Bachelor, and if you are honest with yourself you only like him because he is a big, beefy man. He really didn’t say anything exciting in the time he was around. Tell me one interesting thing he said all season. JUST TRY.

Chris Harrison: So you haven’t cried since your mom died?

Ben Z: No.

Chris Harrison: And have you cried since I made you go to that fake funeral and you got dumped on tv?

Ben Z: Nope.

Chris Harrison: Okay, good talk.

Now it’s time for Jared to take the hot seat and continue to be the standup guy that he is. He’s excited to see Kaitlyn, he’s nervous to see Kaitlyn, and he got a new razor. But hold your applause because here comes…

BEN freakin' H.

Moon of my life. My sun and stars. Ben H. comes up to reaffirm, as if there was any doubt, that he will in fact be the next Bachelor. Well he came up to talk about that weird sleepover with Kaitlyn and Shawn, but judging by the audience reaction, he’s a shoe-in. He retells the story about how Kaitlyn snuck into the hotel room he was sharing with Shawn in San Antonio and while he showered, Shawn and Kaitlyn shared some alone time that made his return feel kind of awkward. Now he knows it was because Kaitlyn told Shawn he was the one. But, like, more importantly, why was there a king bed and a cot?

Nobody puts Ben H. in the corner (on a cot).

Now it’s time for Kaitlyn to come out, and thank GOD she’s wearing a sparkly dress with grey eyeshadow. The suspense was killing me.

They continue to zoom in on Ben H. like a thousand times while Chris Harrison reads mean tweets about Kaitlyn, only this isn’t meant to be funny like on Jimmy Kimmel. The tweets are poorly-crafted slut-shames, calling Kaitlyn a whore and telling her to crawl in a hole and die.

These tweets brought to you by the Bible belt.

After they all clap for Kaitlyn about being brave, nobody wants to have an actual discussion about anything, besides my main man Ben H. He asks Kaitlyn why she only told Shawn about having sex with Nick. Um, yeah? Why did you do that? She gives some sort of response, possibly in another language, because nobody could quite decipher what she said. Chris Harrison, never one to let an opportunity like this pass, paraphrases the question again. No, no, dear. You’re not getting off that easy. Kaitlyn gives some busted answer about compartmentalizing relationships and nobody buys it but we all move on because Joe is in a bird costume and it’s actually terrifying.

Oh, and Ian got up to apologize to Kaitlyn.

Ian: I just wanted to apologize for my actions on this show. I, too, have felt the backlash of the public. I got hate mail, too.

Kaitlyn: I know. I sent them.

The bloopers were stupid and seem to be getting shorter and shorter every season. I know Joe Bailey did more funny things than pee in a bush. And come ON! Where was Tony the healer??? No montage of Daniel’s scarves? Get your head in the game, people!

Next week, we meet Kaitlyn’s family and Shawn says “the other guy” like a thousand more times. Who can’t wait for After the Final Rose? I can’t wait until they announce Ben H. as the Bachelor. I may have to take the day off from work.

Until then….

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 10

It’s dark and gloomy today and I LOVE IT. Even the heavens are mourning the loss of our dear Ben H.

On Tuesday mornings, after I have written my blog and searched for the most ridiculous .gifs, I like to visit a few of my tried-and-true websites to see what people are saying about the episode. Today, all of the articles were short, sweet and to the point, and that point was that this season has run out of steam. I couldn’t agree more, and I think we all know it has something to do with the format of this season, the boo hoo boy drama, and the lack of the actual bachelor magic that we have grown so accustomed to. For every cute moment a couple has shared, there has been a dark cloud of despair lingering nearby and, oddly enough, that cloud is.still.here.

Also that cloud is, like, totes trying to be the bachelor. Um, I’m sorry. Do you remember Juan Pablo? They’re not gonna make that mistake again. My guess is ABC is going to go back to its fairytale days. Onto the episode.

I like drama as much as the next gal, but this butting of heads between Shawn and Nick needs to stop. The episode resumes as Shawn stomps over to Nick’s cottage to tell him he’s condescending, arrogant and totally ruining his life. I know you are but what am I?

Shawn: You’re a mean girl, Nick. You’re a bitch!

Nick: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.

As usual, absolutely nothing gets accomplished during this conversation petty argument and Shawn leaves after talking AT Nick for roughly 4 minutes. Nick seems unfazed by this, despite ABC’s extreme close-up of his face in an attempt to make him seem pensive or sad. Do you know this dude? He doesn’t do pensive or sad. He does calculating and conniving. And he will undoubtedly continue to make Shawn look bad by encouraging the temper tantrums.

Cut, print, moving on.

Just like him, Ben H.’s fantasy suite date is perfect. A laid-back afternoon of horseback riding, animal feeding and picnicking atop a lush, green mountain followed by a nice dinner and snuggling by a fire inside a castle. A CASTLE, people. Ben H. reinstates my faith in sweaters this week as he and Kaitlyn settle down for a nice, mature conversation about the overnight portion of this date. She asks him if he’s sure he wants to stay over. Why does she keep prodding about his sexuality? Are you a virgin? Are you sure you want to spend the night? Do you know where to put it? STOP IT. Ben tells her he’s trying to act as if nobody else is there and that it’s about their relationship and he wants it to be how it would be in real life. So, basically, the most realistic, thoughtful answer he could’ve provided. Kaitlyn is not impressed as it has become abundantly clear that she is looking for a reason to get rid of Ben. He confesses that he is only 26, and Kaitlyn swears up and down that it doesn’t bother her while silently doing a little jig inside. Ha ha! A flaw! Regardless, the two head up to their suite for the #bestsleepoverever because my girl Kaitlyn isn’t gonna pass up the opportunity for the D even though she def def knows he’s going home.

Up next is Shawn who gets a fun-filled day of golfing and nudity. Let ‘s just call a spade a spade here; this week Kaitlyn went on a date to a bar, streaking and a majestic castle for two and she had the least fun at the castle. I’m just going to say what everyone is thinking: Ben H. is too good for her! Run, Ben H. Run your gangly self right to Macungie. I hear there are admissions counselors there looking for love.

Kaitlyn comments that her date with Shawn is really fun and for a split second she forgot that her suitors want to gauge each other’s eyes out with samurai swords. But then she remembers and decides they should probably talk about it at dinner because it has been, like, 24 hours since they last fought. Kaitlyn suggests that Shawn should just talk to Nick one-on-one and try to work it out—which is the dumbest idea since letting Ben Flajnik be the bachelor—and Shawn pretends that he tried and suggests that Nick’s allegations were just too egregious and he had to walk out. See also: repeated something you said off-camera and exposed you. Shawn is the new Britt, complaining that everyone is out to get her and whining incessantly because they forgot this show was about multiple suitors.

Shawn comes home to Nick lurking beside his hotel. “Hey, Shawn!” He yells across the parking lot as if they are good buddies who haven’t seen each other in a while. His words are dripping with contempt, though, and Shawn is having none of it. Nick has had some time to reflect and he wants to get the last word. Sadly, that’s never going to happen with Shawn because he will continue to talk over you until the day you die.

The rose ceremony was pretty basic. The most exciting part was at the end when Nick and Shawn danced silently around the carpet protesting each other’s existence while Kaitlyn walked Ben H. to the reject van.

Kaitlyn: I’m squeezing your hand so hard right now.

Ben H.: I know, I’m in here.

Onto the hometown dates, which, seeing as they were in Utah where exactly nobody on this season is from, weren’t really hometowns. Instead, they were more like a weird secret witness protection program meeting. We start with Nick, whose family is just about as excited he’s on the show again as America is. They sit silently in their suite, taking turns bursting into tears. Even his little sister knows this is bad news.

Kaitlyn has a few nice conversations with Nick’s sisters and brothers and then with mama bear, who may or may not have taken a hit of something before the cameras showed up. She’s so anxious and fidgety and cries a few more times before the day is through, reminding Nick that the next time they meet he will either be really happy or really sad.

Profound.

The date ends and Nick and Kaitlyn steal a few kisses back in her hotel room. Did anybody else see him do a double-take at the room number when they went in? He’s def gonna show up in the middle of the night like the serial killer he is.

Shawn’s date isn’t exciting, either, and although his sisters approved willingly, his dad was a tad more questioning. “What the heck is going on?” It seems like the most reasonable question of them all. I sometimes forget that these families don’t see their kid for 5 or 6 weeks and they come back acting bat-shit crazy and talking of love. I totally get why this is so confusing for them. Also, we know ABC doesn’t actually let anybody eat on these little visits because somebody always wants to have a candid chat mid-meal, so I’d probably be pretty off my rocker as well.

Next week is the Men Tell All, the single reason we watch this barnyard explosion in the first place. I can’t wait to see those giant men squirming around in those tiny plastic seats. We know that ABC relies heavily on the reaction of the crowd in determining the next Bachelor, so let’s hope America and I are on the same page about Ben H.

Until then…

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Weeks 8&9

Hola, friends! I have returned from the Dominican Republic with a new tan and a new outlook on this season. Although I think Kaitlyn will end up with the right man for her—or no man at all—I am pretty much ready to get to Bachelor in Paradise. Right after the bloopers on the Men Tell All.

Episode 7 

Because the episode aired a week ago and because I’ve already watched this week's series of meltdowns, I will just give the cliff note versions of my opinions from episode 7 and move right along into this week. We open with Shawn and his piss poor attitude whining again about how uncomfortable he is. 

Just you wait, boo boo.

Shawn: It’s getting really serious.

Kaitlyn: I know. Day 24 was really hard on my season, too.

Joe and JJ go on the dreaded 2-on-1 date to a cliff and share at least thirty-eight seconds of awkward silence on a picnic blanket together before Joe pulls Kaitlyn aside for what might’ve been the sweetest statement all season.

Joe: “I can’t get enough of you, Kaitlyn. I’m falling in love with you.”

America: Dead.

Meanwhile, Nick and Tanner are doing laps in the garden while Shawn pouts on a stoop nearby. This is odd because, if we recall, Tanner was the original persecutor of Nick when he arrives a few weeks back. Turning over a new leaf? In search of his 15 minutes? You decide.

Back to the cliff date. Now JJ and Kaitlyn are sharing some alone time on the blanket. “I like JJ because he is edgy.” Yes, because nothing says edgy like adultery and plaid.

The puffer vest strikes again and JJ is sent packing. However, Joe doesn’t get a rose, either. Can this season stick to the script at all? This is all so confusing!

The date finally ends and as we make our way back to the castle where Shawn is still outside and still being a huge baby. Later on he basically asks Kaitlyn to confirm that he’s the one and she tells him that they have to go through the motions, that there’s no way around it, and that he really just needs to stfu.

The energy in this castle is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson. Everybody kind of senses that something is rotten in Denmark Ireland but doesn’t really know what stinks. Ben H. decides to have a mature conversation with her about it.

Ben H: I get this sense that something is up.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, this week has been really hard.

Ben H: I totes get that. Please don’t just keep me to keep me, but if you are gonna let me go, can you wait til final 3? Better Bach odds. Kthanksbye.

Finally at 9:16 pm, the rose ceremony starts and Ben Z. and Tanner are donezo.

Ben Z: I’m really hurt by this. I came here for love.

Tanner: It’s been fun.

I guess that pretty much sums up his time here.

Now it’s time for a road trip where Kaitlyn decides to take the least confrontational guy with her in the car and lets the petulant teenagers duke it out on the bus. The vibe between her and Jared is so effortless, so darling and so not gonna happen.

Chris Harrison comes in and tells everybody that this time around, fantasy dates are going to come before hometowns in an effort to give them all “more alone time” to “help relationships catch up” to one another. Read also: Everyone must bang to get on the same playing field as hamster Nick.

Cupcake is all about this idea, because he’s pretty sure his one-on-one today will end with him and Kaitlyn soaring over a rainbow into a pot of gold, potentially on a unicorn. He and his vneck sweater are more than willing to fly in a helicopter to the literal edge of the earth for some alone time. He says all the right things and Kaitlyn cries and tells him he’s not the one and begs him not to jump off the cliff.

Cupcake, you’re an intelligent guy. You should’ve known what was up when she came on this date with a pony tail.  

Episode 8

I’m having trouble keeping up with the timeline of this season. The episodes are starting and ending in the middle of these Bachelorette weeks, and I’m not sure exactly where Monday’s episode left off. I faintly remember Cupcake on suicide watch after his 1-on-1 and no rose ceremony so it must be the middle of the week.

Ben gets a 1-on-1 next, and he uses the time wisely to play hide and seek. Later, they sit in front of a fire and Ben admits that he is really excited to stay up all night and talk. Kaitlyn takes this as an obvious sign that he’s a virgin because what guy would want to get to know a girl before getting down on one knee?

Then there’s some busted group date which is really just like an appetizer to a 1-on-1 with Shawn. I’m pretty sure Nick was on this “date” but I was too busy watching Joe get his heart stomped on.

Joe: I will love you until you’re old and grey and never look at another woman and drive the minivan and do all the yard work forever.

Kaitlyn: He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Joe. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in episode 2, I started going out with my fifth boyfriend, Shawn, who was totally gorgeous but then I had sex with Nick, and Joe was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Shawn, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

That man better find love on Bachelor in Paradise. But maybe leave the vest at home.

Then, as if Joe wandering off into the woods towards a van full of producers (I hope?) wasn’t uncomfortable enough, Kaitlyn sent Nick back to the hotel to chill with Jared and Ben while she attempted to make Shawn’s head spontaneously combust by telling him she and Nick did it. I was expecting this:

But we really got this:

Which was uber disappointing because I really wanted to see him flip a table or throw a chair or something. I guess Shawn is learning—slowly but surely—that this is a show about dating multiple people. He tells her he’s going to man up, and she’s thankful because that went so much better than expected.

But not so fast.

Roughly 12 hours later, at the rose ceremony, Shawn has changed his mind about how accepting he is of his girlfriend’s sex pal and decides to pull her away to chat just as she offers him the first rose. Her face is sheer terror.

I’m expecting something a little more “profound” to come from Shawn given the extensive conversation they had yesterday. Instead, he asks, “Why him?” Like she’s actually going to answer that question. It’s a trap, Kaitlyn. Run now.

Whatever she said, it worked because he, Nick and Ben H. come out with roses and Jared is sent packing. Jared is totally classy about the whole thing and, even though he is glossy-eyed in the limo, he has seen this show before and knows not to throw a tantrum on your way out.

So the overnight dates begin with Nick and Kaitlyn going to another church and talking about their childhood. Literally, I can’t think of two people less suitable to be on another church date. Do we remember what happened last time? Churches make these two weirdos hot and bothered. No bueno.

Nick decides to use his time wisely to talk shit about Shawn, claiming that he overheard Shawn bragging about screwing some girl the same night as an unnamed country star. Kaitlyn says, “Ewwww,” but doesn’t really react otherwise. Nick. This is the girl who had sex with you whilst dating 12 other guys. Do you really think she’s going to be offended by a minor indiscretion before they even met?

The next morning, Kaitlyn and her half top-knot are actually eating breakfast with Nick in the hotel. I don’t really remember what was said because they were actually eating and I was distracted. Long night, y’all?

Nick saunters back to his cottage only to be greeted by Shawn moments later. The two sit as far apart from each other as humanly possible, making it a bad scene from a tennis match as the sole cameraman has to flip back and forth as they whine at each other. I'm not sure what the point of this is, but I guess we will have to find out next week. 

I’m sure Ben H. is knitting somewhere.