Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 10

It’s dark and gloomy today and I LOVE IT. Even the heavens are mourning the loss of our dear Ben H.

On Tuesday mornings, after I have written my blog and searched for the most ridiculous .gifs, I like to visit a few of my tried-and-true websites to see what people are saying about the episode. Today, all of the articles were short, sweet and to the point, and that point was that this season has run out of steam. I couldn’t agree more, and I think we all know it has something to do with the format of this season, the boo hoo boy drama, and the lack of the actual bachelor magic that we have grown so accustomed to. For every cute moment a couple has shared, there has been a dark cloud of despair lingering nearby and, oddly enough, that cloud is.still.here.

Also that cloud is, like, totes trying to be the bachelor. Um, I’m sorry. Do you remember Juan Pablo? They’re not gonna make that mistake again. My guess is ABC is going to go back to its fairytale days. Onto the episode.

I like drama as much as the next gal, but this butting of heads between Shawn and Nick needs to stop. The episode resumes as Shawn stomps over to Nick’s cottage to tell him he’s condescending, arrogant and totally ruining his life. I know you are but what am I?

Shawn: You’re a mean girl, Nick. You’re a bitch!

Nick: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.

As usual, absolutely nothing gets accomplished during this conversation petty argument and Shawn leaves after talking AT Nick for roughly 4 minutes. Nick seems unfazed by this, despite ABC’s extreme close-up of his face in an attempt to make him seem pensive or sad. Do you know this dude? He doesn’t do pensive or sad. He does calculating and conniving. And he will undoubtedly continue to make Shawn look bad by encouraging the temper tantrums.

Cut, print, moving on.

Just like him, Ben H.’s fantasy suite date is perfect. A laid-back afternoon of horseback riding, animal feeding and picnicking atop a lush, green mountain followed by a nice dinner and snuggling by a fire inside a castle. A CASTLE, people. Ben H. reinstates my faith in sweaters this week as he and Kaitlyn settle down for a nice, mature conversation about the overnight portion of this date. She asks him if he’s sure he wants to stay over. Why does she keep prodding about his sexuality? Are you a virgin? Are you sure you want to spend the night? Do you know where to put it? STOP IT. Ben tells her he’s trying to act as if nobody else is there and that it’s about their relationship and he wants it to be how it would be in real life. So, basically, the most realistic, thoughtful answer he could’ve provided. Kaitlyn is not impressed as it has become abundantly clear that she is looking for a reason to get rid of Ben. He confesses that he is only 26, and Kaitlyn swears up and down that it doesn’t bother her while silently doing a little jig inside. Ha ha! A flaw! Regardless, the two head up to their suite for the #bestsleepoverever because my girl Kaitlyn isn’t gonna pass up the opportunity for the D even though she def def knows he’s going home.

Up next is Shawn who gets a fun-filled day of golfing and nudity. Let ‘s just call a spade a spade here; this week Kaitlyn went on a date to a bar, streaking and a majestic castle for two and she had the least fun at the castle. I’m just going to say what everyone is thinking: Ben H. is too good for her! Run, Ben H. Run your gangly self right to Macungie. I hear there are admissions counselors there looking for love.

Kaitlyn comments that her date with Shawn is really fun and for a split second she forgot that her suitors want to gauge each other’s eyes out with samurai swords. But then she remembers and decides they should probably talk about it at dinner because it has been, like, 24 hours since they last fought. Kaitlyn suggests that Shawn should just talk to Nick one-on-one and try to work it out—which is the dumbest idea since letting Ben Flajnik be the bachelor—and Shawn pretends that he tried and suggests that Nick’s allegations were just too egregious and he had to walk out. See also: repeated something you said off-camera and exposed you. Shawn is the new Britt, complaining that everyone is out to get her and whining incessantly because they forgot this show was about multiple suitors.

Shawn comes home to Nick lurking beside his hotel. “Hey, Shawn!” He yells across the parking lot as if they are good buddies who haven’t seen each other in a while. His words are dripping with contempt, though, and Shawn is having none of it. Nick has had some time to reflect and he wants to get the last word. Sadly, that’s never going to happen with Shawn because he will continue to talk over you until the day you die.

The rose ceremony was pretty basic. The most exciting part was at the end when Nick and Shawn danced silently around the carpet protesting each other’s existence while Kaitlyn walked Ben H. to the reject van.

Kaitlyn: I’m squeezing your hand so hard right now.

Ben H.: I know, I’m in here.

Onto the hometown dates, which, seeing as they were in Utah where exactly nobody on this season is from, weren’t really hometowns. Instead, they were more like a weird secret witness protection program meeting. We start with Nick, whose family is just about as excited he’s on the show again as America is. They sit silently in their suite, taking turns bursting into tears. Even his little sister knows this is bad news.

Kaitlyn has a few nice conversations with Nick’s sisters and brothers and then with mama bear, who may or may not have taken a hit of something before the cameras showed up. She’s so anxious and fidgety and cries a few more times before the day is through, reminding Nick that the next time they meet he will either be really happy or really sad.

Profound.

The date ends and Nick and Kaitlyn steal a few kisses back in her hotel room. Did anybody else see him do a double-take at the room number when they went in? He’s def gonna show up in the middle of the night like the serial killer he is.

Shawn’s date isn’t exciting, either, and although his sisters approved willingly, his dad was a tad more questioning. “What the heck is going on?” It seems like the most reasonable question of them all. I sometimes forget that these families don’t see their kid for 5 or 6 weeks and they come back acting bat-shit crazy and talking of love. I totally get why this is so confusing for them. Also, we know ABC doesn’t actually let anybody eat on these little visits because somebody always wants to have a candid chat mid-meal, so I’d probably be pretty off my rocker as well.

Next week is the Men Tell All, the single reason we watch this barnyard explosion in the first place. I can’t wait to see those giant men squirming around in those tiny plastic seats. We know that ABC relies heavily on the reaction of the crowd in determining the next Bachelor, so let’s hope America and I are on the same page about Ben H.

Until then…