Bachelor Ben: Episode 2

Ciao! I have returned from the land of pasta and crazy driving and am totally ready to talk Bachelor. It was horrifying to find I couldn’t use my ABC app internationally and that I would have to wait twelve days to be caught up on the season, until I returned and found out that this season is turning out to be about as exciting as a rice cake. No matter, let’s dive in.

We open with shirtless Ben fixing his hair with water and I just wanted to spoon my own eyes out in that moment. Leave it alone. He’s not hot Sean and he’s never going to be. Let him be barefoot-tea-drinking-Ben, okay?

Time for a group date. ABC senses the impending doom of the season so naturally they send the best and brightest to the high school themed date where we learn that nobody knows what Indiana is and that Lace might not be able to read.  

 

Jubilee: I will not murder Lace, but she may tactfully disappear.

Nobody expected it to come down to crazy Mandi and what’s-her-face and I certainly don’t think Ben was even one iota excited that Mandi came barreling barefoot through the finish line and into his arms. But if we’re being honest, the lesson we learn from this is that, in life, it doesn’t matter if you try your hardest and follow the rules. Ultimately, if you’re weird as hell and possibly on drugs, you can’t stay on the Bachelor. Bye, Mandi.

After everyone changes out of their crop tops, Becca steals Ben away first to show him that she’s not a complete waste of space and can make at least 4 free throws in a row. True or false: Becca said more words during this exchange than she did in the entire season with Chris? TRUE!

I don’t know who Jennifer is yet but Ben kissed her and I’m just glad it wasn’t Mandi.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Olivia says that the date card coming is the only thing getting her through the day. Um, we already learned that you guys just got there yesterday. Did you swim in the pool? Did you even walk around this mansion? Have you unpacked your toothbrush? How could you be struggling already? Oh yeah, I forgot. Because you are a mean girl with the mouth a size of a black hole.

Lace is talking to Ben, reassuring him that she’s not crazy – we prefer the term mentally ill – and he’s just sitting there taking it, mostly because she interrupts him every other word. Jubilee comes and swoops in (no wonder Ben likes her so much) and Lace is not entertained. Jubilee tells Ben she was adopted and has a lot of love for the charity work she saw him do once on instagram.

Lace decides she will go back to talk to Ben because she didn’t get enough time, and instead of lurking patiently behind a wall like she normally does, she busts right in on LB’s time with Ben leading with, “I’m not crazy, I just need one more minute…”  LB got up real quick because she’s trying not to be a casualty of this barnyard explosion and would rather go eat the spinach dip anyway.

Fresh off her embarrassing geography blunder, JoJo is feeling some type of way about not getting to talk to Ben at all when he whisks her away to a rooftop where they kiss and talk about how she’s never been on a roof before.

JoJo: I'm glad you took the time to get to know me.

Ben: The best 8 minutes of my life.

Caila gets the one-on-one and what better way to spice it up but by throwing Ice Cube and Kevin Hart in the mix. They casually drive through L.A. and visit a liquor store before getting into a hot tub display at a store. Too bad they didn’t end with a nap at Sleepy’s. Later, they have a great conversation about why Caila hasn’t found the right guy, but all I can think about is that poor chicken who lost its life for no reason because nobody is eating.

Her hair tho.

Then Ben has a special unprecedented Bachelor surprise. A Grade D artist is going to serenade them while dancing awkwardly in a circle.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING. BEN IS SINGING TO HER.

I’ve definitely felt weird about some of the group dates they’ve had on this show before, but never have I felt the terror I experienced watching the smelling date. As you all know, without the ability to smell, I often fear I smell of eggs and soccer cleats. I keep a men’s deodorant in my desk drawer, my car, my purse and my bathroom at all times. Feel free to check. So naturally, this date gave me the ultimate heeby jeebies.

 “She smells flowery, this one smells beachy, this one smells like Spuds.”

Olivia of course scores amazingly high at this completely unscientific test while Samantha tries to get to the root of what smells sour on her. Olivia cautions Samantha that if Ben is a big believer in Science, she would be concerned. If Ben is a big believer in Science, he SHOULD be concerned that a dinosaur managed to squeak through time undetected and ended up on his show.

At the after party, Olivia steals Ben away immediately and the rest are left to plot her demise. But not so fast, Dino, because here comes flight attendant Lauren to swoop in and steal him away.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING HE PRINTED HER HAD A PRODUCER PRINT LAUREN A PIC OF HERSELF!

I’ve said before that if I were on this show, I would enjoy every minute living in somebody else’s mansion and eating their food and making friends, despite the fact that nobody does any of these things on the show. Lauren straight up tells Ben she made friends and is having fun and this makes her the coolest contestant ever.

Ben was talking to Amanda at the cocktail party and touched her leg and I immediately realized how often I would have to shave on this show. Certainly more than once a season. But on a serious note, she can stay forever because every time he says my her name, I get all warm and fuzzy.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING. THEY’RE MAKING BARRETTES.

In the end, LB decided that Oklahoma fashion was more exciting than Ben (probably true) and peaced out on her own along with sour Samantha, crazy Mandi and this girl. 

Yeah, me neither. 

So long, suckers.