Bachelor Ben: Premiere!

Jade bought me a Taylor Swift notebook a while back and shortly before the New Year I started using it as a journal. Looking back at my first entry sometime December (okay, it was Taylor’s birthday because duh), I wrote something about feeling a big change coming on in my life soon and while I didn’t know what was to come, my intuition was feeling that something mayjah was on its way. At that moment, I thought maybe the big change for 2016 would be a boy, a new job or breaking four miles on the treadmill, but I was seriously mistaken. My intuition was preparing me for something far greater. I was getting ready for:

THE LEAST DRAMATIC SEASON IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

Many moons ago, the Bachelor was really just a show about finding love and included moderately-ridiculous dates and slightly above-average looking humans. This phenomenon we see here today is not what it once was, much to the chagrin of old schoolists like my mother. “I don’t need all that dramatic stuff! I want to see him get to know them,” she said to me on the way to work today during our daily morning face time. I kindly reminded her that she was the minority in that matter and that most people like the fighting, love the drama and care very little about the love part until, like, week 9 when the villain finally gets the boot.

Coming off a season like Kaitlyn’s—with that absurd season preview where you KNEW she did one of them during the season and then was seen telling them all on a cozy huddle all about it—it’s hard to imagine what could occur to top such an ordeal. Enter stage left: Ben, the nicest human on earth, whose preview for the season got about as juicy as, “Olivia is not who he thinks she is.” If that’s all they could pull for the preview, which is usually much more exciting than the actual season, I shudder to think that Ben might actually not have a dramatic season at all. He might actually have a season about…love.

Which I’m kind of okay with. This might be the season that the Bachelor just lets Ben do things his way. He had one brief shirtless scene, few dramatic staring-off-into-the-distance shots, and not nearly as many puns as usual. So, in summation, I’m foreseeing that this season is able to top the others simply for being different and getting back to the roots of this show.

And now, onto the slaughter episode.

Ben first goes to Indiana where some people cheered for him and then he sat in some Adirondack chairs with his parents and talked about feeling unlovable. His dad told him he really understood that, so we’re off to a good supportive start. Also, #realtalk here, I had to google if there were lakes in Indiana because I had a hard time getting on board with that concept.

Then, not shown on tv, Ben went and got the sides of his hair faded for absolutely no reason.

The limos arrive and the most notable entrances of course go to Ben’s skinny tie and Chris Harrison’s black-on-silver ensemble. Well done, sir. Divorce suits you (see what I did there?). 

I have a soft spot for Lauren B. already. She seems genuine and I appreciate that she took a risk with that dress color in mid-October. Shoutout to JoJo aka unicorn who seems like she is going to be a favorite of mine as well as LB who gives off the calm, cool and collected vibe I think he’s going for. And Caila! Precious angel Caila. When she doesn’t win, I think she’ll def be a shoe-in for Paradise next summer.

But that’s about as far as my kindness stretches because the rest of these women are busted. Let’s start with Mandi. Now, those of you who know me well know you can’t call me Mandy. Some of you refuse my request and do it anyway, but hopefully you will now understand why I desperately hate to be called the ‘M’ word. I’m sure there are nice Mandis out there. I even know one or two. But for every one nice Mandy, there are ten to twelve out there ruining it for the rest of us and this whack is no exception. Dress was cute, though.

Leah, you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted. And you chose to bend over and spend upwards of ten minutes gathering your tulle to throw arguably the worst football snap in history. Girl got a rose, though. Respect.

To the girl who made him a save-the-date, pump the brakes on your crazy train. What part of that seemed like a good idea during the ten minutes it took to order that from snapfish?

Lauren (XQVHJ?) threw that bouquet at him and immediately threw away her side-pony chances at love. You and other social media stalker Lauren can ride Maegen’s tiny pony off into the sunset while she and Jubilee compare guns in the backyard. But make sure you pick up all of Breanne’s bread from the driveway first. Somebody better eat it. That right there is a crime.

If I went on the Bachelor, which would be an egregious mistake on the producer’s part, I would bring Spuds as my offering. Boom! Hometown.

The cocktail party was like, five minutes of this whole episode but I guess that’s all they needed to show us the crazy to come.  My girl Lace is out for blood and make no mistake about it, it has nothing to do with the chardonnay. That girl is crazy all on her own. I told you in my preview blog that she was likely under your beds. I hope you all checked like I suggested.

On more than one occasion, red velvet sidekick can be seen trying to escape Lace’s talons and failing miserably. Poor Emma Stone Laura is just trying to get some one-on-one time with Ben and somehow every time we turn around, she’s been cornered by Lace in a scene eerily reminiscent of Regina George.

Lace: You look, like, way better in that dress.

Laura: Wow, thank you.

Lace: So you agree? You think you look way better in that dress?

Only this time we have two Karen Smiths appearing to us in the forms of Haley and Emily, the twins. By the grace of god, it appears at some point that they end up on the 2-on-1 date together and I couldn’t be more thankful about the prospect of him sending them both home at the same time. I’d rather hear them cry in unison than have to hear them cry separately.

So by this point, everyone has arrived (smirkface emoji) and Ben tries to give the usual “Here’s to a good night” speech but is thwarted by Mandi who is, like, really concerned about his gums. The pinball game begins as lady after lady steals Ben away to tell him how down-to-earth and normal she is when—ding dong—here comes Becca and Amber to ruin their day. Okay, actually just Becca. The room immediately fills with outcries of fairness about how Becca got her chance and blew it. Um, if anyone deserves a pass on this one, it’s her. Because farmer Chris.

After some nice chit chat laser beam death eyes from the other ladies, Becca finds Ben who is being bored to death by Lauren (JTFCB?) in a quiet room somewhere. Ben is excited to see her, but nowhere near as excited as this Lauren chick who fangirls out a little over Becca and gets up and bows out gracefully before she is even asked.

Lauren (NPEKL?): Aw, fuck this, I can’t compete with that. Let me go get some of those toquitos before they’re all gone.

They talk briefly, probably about the new carpets in the mansion this season, when Amber arrives and Becca pretty much has to introduce Ben to her because he sure as hell didn’t know who she was. They both end up with roses, though, which seems like the logical thing to do since he gave the twins roses, too.

Later, Lace tries to make out with Ben and while he is politely telling her why that’s not really his plan for night one, Mandi swoops in again just to check on his molars. I never thought I’d be saying this, but god bless Mandi. Lace is obviously pissed about getting denied, but what is worse is that Ben felt bad about it afterwards. He is such a gentlemen that he goes back to apologize for not being able to explain himself better. This man is perfect. But, in the future, let’s use that charm on somebody worthy.

Counselor time: Lace has two sides; lust and bitch. She uses her looks to get what she wants, and when she doesn’t get it, she turns into a bitch. Plain and simple, this is deeply rooted in a self-confidence issue and or a childhood of being spoiled and never told no. Also, please open your mouth when you speak. It’s really hard to hear you with your jaw clenched shut.

The rose ceremony sends home Laura, who is probably pretty happy to be getting away from Lace, Izzy in the onesie, Lauren #3, bread-smashing Breanne, Maegen (but not her pony), chicken-loving Tiara (Sheila will be happy to see you), and Jessica. Yeah, me neither. I had to look it up.

The exit interviews are pretty much what you’d expect from night one. The sun is basically coming up and these trainwrecks just want to get Wendy’s and go home. Oh, except Breanne, who is actually crying, probably because she’s hungry.

Immediately, Lace pulls Ben aside to talk about how incredibly rude it was that he didn’t look at her specifically during the rose ceremony. Ben double-checks that she indeed is upset about eye-contact and reminds her that there are 20 other women here and probably runs off to check with the camera guy to see if he can rescind her rose. Not until next week, Ben.

They didn’t really show Amanda or JoJo or LB much this episode, which is a great sign for things to come. I also am adding Lauren B. into my top 5 because right now she is a shining beacon of blonde light amongst brunettes. Caila snags my coveted fifth spot, but I’m sticking Rachel on as my dark horse. Also, I don’t really care about Olivia because she looks like a dinosaur and apparently turns out to be an assailing beach monster later on this season. The center part is aggressive, make no mistake.

So, what do we think? Until next time…

xoxo,

Amanda

p.s. I will be in Italy for the next two episodes, so hang tight until I get back. I swear I won't forget about you and your needs.