Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All

Raise your hand if the Men Tell All isn’t your favorite episode of the season. You, with your hand up? You can leave.

Last night was not as shocking as some Tell Alls have been in the past, but I appreciated it nonetheless. As usual, you had some men show up looking different than what you remember from TV because they saw themselves and were appalled (I’m looking at you, Jared). Others took the social queue to finish out their contract silently in the back row instead of causing a(nother) scene (Ryan and Tony the healer), and some just straight didn’t show up(Ryan M. Cory without the E and Daniel).  

Overall, the theme of the night was that Kaitlyn is going to do what she wants, even if that means bringing in a man mid-season or telling another that he’s THE ONE a month in. Newsflash, dudes, they’re the final two. If you can’t make the inference now with these context clues, nobody can help you.

I’ll start by asking the question on everyone’s mind: who drew the short straw and had to light allllll of those candles along the stage? I mean, there were at least 40,000. I was so distracted by them that I missed a lot of the complaining. But here is what I did catch.

The trailer for Bachelor in Paradise is everything I hoped it would be and more. Some of you may not know this about me, but Bachelor Pad and Bachelor in Paradise are actually my favorite part of the franchise. Guilty as charged, I actually prefer to see the randos go at it because you rarely get to see them in all of their glory on the other seasons because you are forced to focus on the Bach or Bachelorette. Nay! I want to see the whatsherfaces and whatwashisnameagains fight and make out on beaches. Let the judgment ensue.

We start immediately with some of the earliest-evicted suitors yammering on about the Clint thing, and then the Clint and JJ thing, and then the Ian thing and then the Nick thing. Corey with an ‘E’ is not happy and complains, like, the entire episode. Kupah Troopa, who could have easily sat silently in the background and faded off into oblivion, decided to go on a rant about how Kaitlyn is basically the worst Bachelorette ever and didn’t portray herself well. Corey is all about this and backs Kupah up by suggesting that Kaitlyn was a disgraceful Bach. Air high five between these two loosahs. But the precious angel that is Ben H. is having none of it.

Ben H. How many weeks were you around?

America:

We briefly discuss Clint and it went something like this:

All the men: Clint was nice the first night and then he got cocky after his deep sea one-on-one.

Clint: I never said I was a role model.

JJ takes the hot seat to discuss his bromance with Clint. One might assume that, given three months off to contemplate how to address the issue on the impending national tv special, JJ would’ve come up with a better way to explain the situation than saying he was “intellectually curious” about Clint. Instead, he tried to blame his bad jokes on his particular “brand of humor.” No, JJ. It’s not that. You’re just actually a fucking idiot. Meanwhile, Joe Bailey is hysterically laughing nearby. It is probably exactly what I would’ve been doing.

Joe Bailey for VP (I think we all know who I want for Prez. Then I can live out my Olivia Pope dreams).

Now Ian is on his knees beginning for forgiveness from the men. I think it worked, or terrified them, because everyone kind of nodded and just silently hoped he and his tight pants would go back to his seat. I don’t know. I was uncomfortable.

Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t really care about Ben Z. He’s probs not the Bachelor, and if you are honest with yourself you only like him because he is a big, beefy man. He really didn’t say anything exciting in the time he was around. Tell me one interesting thing he said all season. JUST TRY.

Chris Harrison: So you haven’t cried since your mom died?

Ben Z: No.

Chris Harrison: And have you cried since I made you go to that fake funeral and you got dumped on tv?

Ben Z: Nope.

Chris Harrison: Okay, good talk.

Now it’s time for Jared to take the hot seat and continue to be the standup guy that he is. He’s excited to see Kaitlyn, he’s nervous to see Kaitlyn, and he got a new razor. But hold your applause because here comes…

BEN freakin' H.

Moon of my life. My sun and stars. Ben H. comes up to reaffirm, as if there was any doubt, that he will in fact be the next Bachelor. Well he came up to talk about that weird sleepover with Kaitlyn and Shawn, but judging by the audience reaction, he’s a shoe-in. He retells the story about how Kaitlyn snuck into the hotel room he was sharing with Shawn in San Antonio and while he showered, Shawn and Kaitlyn shared some alone time that made his return feel kind of awkward. Now he knows it was because Kaitlyn told Shawn he was the one. But, like, more importantly, why was there a king bed and a cot?

Nobody puts Ben H. in the corner (on a cot).

Now it’s time for Kaitlyn to come out, and thank GOD she’s wearing a sparkly dress with grey eyeshadow. The suspense was killing me.

They continue to zoom in on Ben H. like a thousand times while Chris Harrison reads mean tweets about Kaitlyn, only this isn’t meant to be funny like on Jimmy Kimmel. The tweets are poorly-crafted slut-shames, calling Kaitlyn a whore and telling her to crawl in a hole and die.

These tweets brought to you by the Bible belt.

After they all clap for Kaitlyn about being brave, nobody wants to have an actual discussion about anything, besides my main man Ben H. He asks Kaitlyn why she only told Shawn about having sex with Nick. Um, yeah? Why did you do that? She gives some sort of response, possibly in another language, because nobody could quite decipher what she said. Chris Harrison, never one to let an opportunity like this pass, paraphrases the question again. No, no, dear. You’re not getting off that easy. Kaitlyn gives some busted answer about compartmentalizing relationships and nobody buys it but we all move on because Joe is in a bird costume and it’s actually terrifying.

Oh, and Ian got up to apologize to Kaitlyn.

Ian: I just wanted to apologize for my actions on this show. I, too, have felt the backlash of the public. I got hate mail, too.

Kaitlyn: I know. I sent them.

The bloopers were stupid and seem to be getting shorter and shorter every season. I know Joe Bailey did more funny things than pee in a bush. And come ON! Where was Tony the healer??? No montage of Daniel’s scarves? Get your head in the game, people!

Next week, we meet Kaitlyn’s family and Shawn says “the other guy” like a thousand more times. Who can’t wait for After the Final Rose? I can’t wait until they announce Ben H. as the Bachelor. I may have to take the day off from work.

Until then….

xoxo,

Amanda