Bachelorette Kaitlyn Weeks 8&9

Hola, friends! I have returned from the Dominican Republic with a new tan and a new outlook on this season. Although I think Kaitlyn will end up with the right man for her—or no man at all—I am pretty much ready to get to Bachelor in Paradise. Right after the bloopers on the Men Tell All.

Episode 7 

Because the episode aired a week ago and because I’ve already watched this week's series of meltdowns, I will just give the cliff note versions of my opinions from episode 7 and move right along into this week. We open with Shawn and his piss poor attitude whining again about how uncomfortable he is. 

Just you wait, boo boo.

Shawn: It’s getting really serious.

Kaitlyn: I know. Day 24 was really hard on my season, too.

Joe and JJ go on the dreaded 2-on-1 date to a cliff and share at least thirty-eight seconds of awkward silence on a picnic blanket together before Joe pulls Kaitlyn aside for what might’ve been the sweetest statement all season.

Joe: “I can’t get enough of you, Kaitlyn. I’m falling in love with you.”

America: Dead.

Meanwhile, Nick and Tanner are doing laps in the garden while Shawn pouts on a stoop nearby. This is odd because, if we recall, Tanner was the original persecutor of Nick when he arrives a few weeks back. Turning over a new leaf? In search of his 15 minutes? You decide.

Back to the cliff date. Now JJ and Kaitlyn are sharing some alone time on the blanket. “I like JJ because he is edgy.” Yes, because nothing says edgy like adultery and plaid.

The puffer vest strikes again and JJ is sent packing. However, Joe doesn’t get a rose, either. Can this season stick to the script at all? This is all so confusing!

The date finally ends and as we make our way back to the castle where Shawn is still outside and still being a huge baby. Later on he basically asks Kaitlyn to confirm that he’s the one and she tells him that they have to go through the motions, that there’s no way around it, and that he really just needs to stfu.

The energy in this castle is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson. Everybody kind of senses that something is rotten in Denmark Ireland but doesn’t really know what stinks. Ben H. decides to have a mature conversation with her about it.

Ben H: I get this sense that something is up.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, this week has been really hard.

Ben H: I totes get that. Please don’t just keep me to keep me, but if you are gonna let me go, can you wait til final 3? Better Bach odds. Kthanksbye.

Finally at 9:16 pm, the rose ceremony starts and Ben Z. and Tanner are donezo.

Ben Z: I’m really hurt by this. I came here for love.

Tanner: It’s been fun.

I guess that pretty much sums up his time here.

Now it’s time for a road trip where Kaitlyn decides to take the least confrontational guy with her in the car and lets the petulant teenagers duke it out on the bus. The vibe between her and Jared is so effortless, so darling and so not gonna happen.

Chris Harrison comes in and tells everybody that this time around, fantasy dates are going to come before hometowns in an effort to give them all “more alone time” to “help relationships catch up” to one another. Read also: Everyone must bang to get on the same playing field as hamster Nick.

Cupcake is all about this idea, because he’s pretty sure his one-on-one today will end with him and Kaitlyn soaring over a rainbow into a pot of gold, potentially on a unicorn. He and his vneck sweater are more than willing to fly in a helicopter to the literal edge of the earth for some alone time. He says all the right things and Kaitlyn cries and tells him he’s not the one and begs him not to jump off the cliff.

Cupcake, you’re an intelligent guy. You should’ve known what was up when she came on this date with a pony tail.  

Episode 8

I’m having trouble keeping up with the timeline of this season. The episodes are starting and ending in the middle of these Bachelorette weeks, and I’m not sure exactly where Monday’s episode left off. I faintly remember Cupcake on suicide watch after his 1-on-1 and no rose ceremony so it must be the middle of the week.

Ben gets a 1-on-1 next, and he uses the time wisely to play hide and seek. Later, they sit in front of a fire and Ben admits that he is really excited to stay up all night and talk. Kaitlyn takes this as an obvious sign that he’s a virgin because what guy would want to get to know a girl before getting down on one knee?

Then there’s some busted group date which is really just like an appetizer to a 1-on-1 with Shawn. I’m pretty sure Nick was on this “date” but I was too busy watching Joe get his heart stomped on.

Joe: I will love you until you’re old and grey and never look at another woman and drive the minivan and do all the yard work forever.

Kaitlyn: He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Joe. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in episode 2, I started going out with my fifth boyfriend, Shawn, who was totally gorgeous but then I had sex with Nick, and Joe was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Shawn, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

That man better find love on Bachelor in Paradise. But maybe leave the vest at home.

Then, as if Joe wandering off into the woods towards a van full of producers (I hope?) wasn’t uncomfortable enough, Kaitlyn sent Nick back to the hotel to chill with Jared and Ben while she attempted to make Shawn’s head spontaneously combust by telling him she and Nick did it. I was expecting this:

But we really got this:

Which was uber disappointing because I really wanted to see him flip a table or throw a chair or something. I guess Shawn is learning—slowly but surely—that this is a show about dating multiple people. He tells her he’s going to man up, and she’s thankful because that went so much better than expected.

But not so fast.

Roughly 12 hours later, at the rose ceremony, Shawn has changed his mind about how accepting he is of his girlfriend’s sex pal and decides to pull her away to chat just as she offers him the first rose. Her face is sheer terror.

I’m expecting something a little more “profound” to come from Shawn given the extensive conversation they had yesterday. Instead, he asks, “Why him?” Like she’s actually going to answer that question. It’s a trap, Kaitlyn. Run now.

Whatever she said, it worked because he, Nick and Ben H. come out with roses and Jared is sent packing. Jared is totally classy about the whole thing and, even though he is glossy-eyed in the limo, he has seen this show before and knows not to throw a tantrum on your way out.

So the overnight dates begin with Nick and Kaitlyn going to another church and talking about their childhood. Literally, I can’t think of two people less suitable to be on another church date. Do we remember what happened last time? Churches make these two weirdos hot and bothered. No bueno.

Nick decides to use his time wisely to talk shit about Shawn, claiming that he overheard Shawn bragging about screwing some girl the same night as an unnamed country star. Kaitlyn says, “Ewwww,” but doesn’t really react otherwise. Nick. This is the girl who had sex with you whilst dating 12 other guys. Do you really think she’s going to be offended by a minor indiscretion before they even met?

The next morning, Kaitlyn and her half top-knot are actually eating breakfast with Nick in the hotel. I don’t really remember what was said because they were actually eating and I was distracted. Long night, y’all?

Nick saunters back to his cottage only to be greeted by Shawn moments later. The two sit as far apart from each other as humanly possible, making it a bad scene from a tennis match as the sole cameraman has to flip back and forth as they whine at each other. I'm not sure what the point of this is, but I guess we will have to find out next week. 

I’m sure Ben H. is knitting somewhere.