Bachelorette Kaitlyn Weeks 8&9

Hola, friends! I have returned from the Dominican Republic with a new tan and a new outlook on this season. Although I think Kaitlyn will end up with the right man for her—or no man at all—I am pretty much ready to get to Bachelor in Paradise. Right after the bloopers on the Men Tell All.

Episode 7 

Because the episode aired a week ago and because I’ve already watched this week's series of meltdowns, I will just give the cliff note versions of my opinions from episode 7 and move right along into this week. We open with Shawn and his piss poor attitude whining again about how uncomfortable he is. 

Just you wait, boo boo.

Shawn: It’s getting really serious.

Kaitlyn: I know. Day 24 was really hard on my season, too.

Joe and JJ go on the dreaded 2-on-1 date to a cliff and share at least thirty-eight seconds of awkward silence on a picnic blanket together before Joe pulls Kaitlyn aside for what might’ve been the sweetest statement all season.

Joe: “I can’t get enough of you, Kaitlyn. I’m falling in love with you.”

America: Dead.

Meanwhile, Nick and Tanner are doing laps in the garden while Shawn pouts on a stoop nearby. This is odd because, if we recall, Tanner was the original persecutor of Nick when he arrives a few weeks back. Turning over a new leaf? In search of his 15 minutes? You decide.

Back to the cliff date. Now JJ and Kaitlyn are sharing some alone time on the blanket. “I like JJ because he is edgy.” Yes, because nothing says edgy like adultery and plaid.

The puffer vest strikes again and JJ is sent packing. However, Joe doesn’t get a rose, either. Can this season stick to the script at all? This is all so confusing!

The date finally ends and as we make our way back to the castle where Shawn is still outside and still being a huge baby. Later on he basically asks Kaitlyn to confirm that he’s the one and she tells him that they have to go through the motions, that there’s no way around it, and that he really just needs to stfu.

The energy in this castle is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson. Everybody kind of senses that something is rotten in Denmark Ireland but doesn’t really know what stinks. Ben H. decides to have a mature conversation with her about it.

Ben H: I get this sense that something is up.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, this week has been really hard.

Ben H: I totes get that. Please don’t just keep me to keep me, but if you are gonna let me go, can you wait til final 3? Better Bach odds. Kthanksbye.

Finally at 9:16 pm, the rose ceremony starts and Ben Z. and Tanner are donezo.

Ben Z: I’m really hurt by this. I came here for love.

Tanner: It’s been fun.

I guess that pretty much sums up his time here.

Now it’s time for a road trip where Kaitlyn decides to take the least confrontational guy with her in the car and lets the petulant teenagers duke it out on the bus. The vibe between her and Jared is so effortless, so darling and so not gonna happen.

Chris Harrison comes in and tells everybody that this time around, fantasy dates are going to come before hometowns in an effort to give them all “more alone time” to “help relationships catch up” to one another. Read also: Everyone must bang to get on the same playing field as hamster Nick.

Cupcake is all about this idea, because he’s pretty sure his one-on-one today will end with him and Kaitlyn soaring over a rainbow into a pot of gold, potentially on a unicorn. He and his vneck sweater are more than willing to fly in a helicopter to the literal edge of the earth for some alone time. He says all the right things and Kaitlyn cries and tells him he’s not the one and begs him not to jump off the cliff.

Cupcake, you’re an intelligent guy. You should’ve known what was up when she came on this date with a pony tail.  

Episode 8

I’m having trouble keeping up with the timeline of this season. The episodes are starting and ending in the middle of these Bachelorette weeks, and I’m not sure exactly where Monday’s episode left off. I faintly remember Cupcake on suicide watch after his 1-on-1 and no rose ceremony so it must be the middle of the week.

Ben gets a 1-on-1 next, and he uses the time wisely to play hide and seek. Later, they sit in front of a fire and Ben admits that he is really excited to stay up all night and talk. Kaitlyn takes this as an obvious sign that he’s a virgin because what guy would want to get to know a girl before getting down on one knee?

Then there’s some busted group date which is really just like an appetizer to a 1-on-1 with Shawn. I’m pretty sure Nick was on this “date” but I was too busy watching Joe get his heart stomped on.

Joe: I will love you until you’re old and grey and never look at another woman and drive the minivan and do all the yard work forever.

Kaitlyn: He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Joe. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in episode 2, I started going out with my fifth boyfriend, Shawn, who was totally gorgeous but then I had sex with Nick, and Joe was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Shawn, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

That man better find love on Bachelor in Paradise. But maybe leave the vest at home.

Then, as if Joe wandering off into the woods towards a van full of producers (I hope?) wasn’t uncomfortable enough, Kaitlyn sent Nick back to the hotel to chill with Jared and Ben while she attempted to make Shawn’s head spontaneously combust by telling him she and Nick did it. I was expecting this:

But we really got this:

Which was uber disappointing because I really wanted to see him flip a table or throw a chair or something. I guess Shawn is learning—slowly but surely—that this is a show about dating multiple people. He tells her he’s going to man up, and she’s thankful because that went so much better than expected.

But not so fast.

Roughly 12 hours later, at the rose ceremony, Shawn has changed his mind about how accepting he is of his girlfriend’s sex pal and decides to pull her away to chat just as she offers him the first rose. Her face is sheer terror.

I’m expecting something a little more “profound” to come from Shawn given the extensive conversation they had yesterday. Instead, he asks, “Why him?” Like she’s actually going to answer that question. It’s a trap, Kaitlyn. Run now.

Whatever she said, it worked because he, Nick and Ben H. come out with roses and Jared is sent packing. Jared is totally classy about the whole thing and, even though he is glossy-eyed in the limo, he has seen this show before and knows not to throw a tantrum on your way out.

So the overnight dates begin with Nick and Kaitlyn going to another church and talking about their childhood. Literally, I can’t think of two people less suitable to be on another church date. Do we remember what happened last time? Churches make these two weirdos hot and bothered. No bueno.

Nick decides to use his time wisely to talk shit about Shawn, claiming that he overheard Shawn bragging about screwing some girl the same night as an unnamed country star. Kaitlyn says, “Ewwww,” but doesn’t really react otherwise. Nick. This is the girl who had sex with you whilst dating 12 other guys. Do you really think she’s going to be offended by a minor indiscretion before they even met?

The next morning, Kaitlyn and her half top-knot are actually eating breakfast with Nick in the hotel. I don’t really remember what was said because they were actually eating and I was distracted. Long night, y’all?

Nick saunters back to his cottage only to be greeted by Shawn moments later. The two sit as far apart from each other as humanly possible, making it a bad scene from a tennis match as the sole cameraman has to flip back and forth as they whine at each other. I'm not sure what the point of this is, but I guess we will have to find out next week. 

I’m sure Ben H. is knitting somewhere.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn - Week 7

The latest installment of the Bachelorette has all of America up in arms, but definitely not for the reasons I would’ve guessed. As it turns out, Kaitlyn’s sexcapades would only be half-revealed on Monday’s episode, making us wait yet again for the dramatic conclusion to come next week. Instead, the most upsetting part of the episode was the beginning of Shawn’s mayjah meltdown before the credits rolled. Runner up for most upsetting part of the episode goes to Cupcake’s horrendous one-liners. “She is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”  

But enough about that.

We must, of course, first discuss the barnyard explosion that is Ian. Ian is a perfect supporting argument to my belief that paying $100,000 for college and being a worthwhile contributor to society are not mutually exclusive. Ivy or not, Ian’s biggest downfall is that he can’t work through his own emotions. Here’s how I see it; Ian knew there wasn’t a spark on either end, got pissed that she wasn’t wooed by him AND that he couldn’t seem to find middle C on either of the singing dates, and proceeded to freak the freak out because he wasn’t fitting in at home. Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

Maybe he should’ve gone to Kutztown.

Anyway, Kaitlyn is not having it and doesn’t even get off the couch to see him out. Be gone, peasant. I still have a handful of other shmucks to choose from. It was pretty obvious from the flushed cheeks in this episode that everybody was gettin’ wild at the bar, but that doesn’t excuse Ian’s harsh words in the van. My belief is that if you get cast on the Bachelorette and you don’t know that they are going to splice together every little nasty word that you utter, you deserve what’s coming to you in the twitterverse.

Chris Harrison emerges from behind a cannon to claim his fifteen minutes of fame. Kaitlyn is just, like, not okay, you guys. Every week is so stressful and she’s tired of people questioning her intentions and telling her she just wants to make out with boyz.

While a strangely patriotic version of the rose ceremony theme music plays, the hair squad—Joshua and Justin—get the boot. The rest are off to Ireland, the best place to fall in love, or contract alcohol poisoning.

What is it with ABC and the Justin Bieber hoodies? Is this their gift with purchase for being on the Bach? Is this how the producers tell them apart?

Nick gets the first one-on-one and absolutely zero congratulations are given. His date is the best kind; the walk around town and buy stuff with ABC’s money and eat look at your dinner in a fancy place kind of date. My season of the Bachelorette would be mostly these dates. And tap lessons.

Neither of them actually sees Dublin because their faces are smushed together the whole time. Except for that ghastly attempt at the jig. We ALL saw that. Including this girl, who is not impressed.

Whoever edited together that sequence of Nick and Kaitlyn with Jared and Shawn’s conversation is an absolute genius. They are laying the foundation for Shawn’s impending blow-up, which apparently isn’t coming until next week. In the meantime, Jared tries to remind Shawn that all he can control is his relationship with Kaitlyn and to try to worry less about the fact that they are rounding third base as we speak.

Kaitlyn: I wore this shirt with a hole in it just for you.

Nick: You have the best lips injection specialist.

Kaitlyn: Let’s go do it.

The morning after produces the classiest walk of shame I’ve ever seen. Nobody seems to wonder where Nick was all night but they all crowd around to listen to the PG retelling of his date.  I don’t know why Nick chose to share with them that he went back to her room because that can only end in one way. Joe tries to ease the tension a bit by throwing out that Shawn also spent time with Kaitlyn after their one-on-one last week, which had most of us like, what?

Guys, Ben H. is wearing a green tshirt because they are in Ireland. Seriously. Does he get any better?

The group date leaves behind JJ and Joe, two men who basically nobody cares about. If they are fated for the dreaded 2-on-1 date, only time will tell because the shenanigans of the group date took up the rest of the whole frickin’ episode.

Let’s crowd around a casket and say nice things about this girl we all are dating and pretend it’s not weird. Ben Z. takes it to the next level when he asks everybody to leave the room because he’s been to a funeral before, guys, and he’s ready to get deep.

Ian would be proud.

Instead, he delivers what is arguably the least-sentimental eulogy in history and all Kaitlyn can say is, “That’s sweet.” That’s sort of like saying, “She’s nice.” We all start sentences like that, right? “She’s nice, but…”

Kaitlyn and Jared have some cute one-on-one time and he gets the date rose, much to Shawn’s chagrin. Detonation in 3-2-1…

Shawn had to remove himself as to not flip a table and goes to find the producer to vent. In this 30-second soundbyte we learn that Shawn and Kaitlyn spent the night after their date braiding each other’s hair and telling ghost stories and Shawn is pretty sure Kaitlyn told him he’s the one. I don’t doubt that she said it, but I think it’s brave and a little all-telling of ABC to show that to the audience.

Next week, we see the 2-on-1, the rest of Shawn’s meltdown and hopefully less silver eyeshadow from Kaitlyn.  

Until then…

xoxo

Amanda

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 6

Another episode, another villain, another cliffhanger ending. Why, ABC, why?!

After last week’s abrupt ending, alongside all of the Nick controversy, I expected the opening sequence of this episode to go very differently. I was hoping for some screaming and man brawling but, alas, there was none. Nick was always very sure of himself on Andi’s season, and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is about him that is so off-putting, but something in me just doesn’t like the guy. That being said, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, I thought the guys were a bit harsh.

TBH, nobody cares if you guys like him. You don’t need to like him and you don’t need to become his BFF (unless you’re JJ because let’s get real, nobody likes you, either. It would probably be in your best interest to make a friend). If you were smart, you would’ve taken a page out of the Bens’ books and played the strong silent card. Instead, they were nitpicky at best and unsuccessful in making him look bad. In fact, it was Tanner and Joshua who came out looking like fools. And the more they tried throughout the episode, the deeper into their graves they fell.

Tanner: I saw you hung out with Andi on Twitter.

Nick: I see that you’re drinking beer out of a wine glass.

The part of this whole Nick drama that I don’t quite understand is the part where it isn’t a race or a game that you win. If she’s meant to be with you, she’s going to pick YOU regardless of who else is around. That was the point that Nick was trying to make in saying that he was glad that Josh Murray was on Andi’s season. They obviously weren’t destined. Just like Justin, despite everyone’s constant attempts, is not destined to have a reasonable haircut.

The rose ceremony takes place at Citifield in an apparent polar vortex as everyone shivers and shakes while Kaitlyn sends Jonathan, Ryan and Corey home and keeps Nick in play. Did you notice how ABC intentionally left out music at this part? You could hear the sighs loud and clear. People. Are. PISSED.

Off to Texas we go.

Ben H. gets the one-on-one and it couldn’t be any cuter. He’s masculine without being too overbearing and feminine enough without being Ryan B. She’s obviously into the manly men, but I think she likes the softer side of Ben H. And if she doesn’t, he can come right to Macungie. I’m sure Jade would be okay with a third roommate.

Who else wants to turn up with Betty Jo? That woman has the cutest voice and she moves well for being 140 years old. I thought they did a good job with the dancing, and their dinner conversation felt very honest without being too forced. I can tell she really likes Ben H. because:

Counselor talk: There are certain men on this season who, when she speaks to them one-on-one, she takes a back seat and lets them be in control. Ben H. is one, Ben Z. is one and Shawn is another. I interpret this as her genuinely being into them. She’s too giddy and nervous inside to be super chatty and does more listening than talking. She also doesn’t get offended when they say things that might not be viewed as the “ideal” or “PC” answer. See also: when Shawn told her he wished she was “smarter” about Nick. If JJ had said that, it would be game over.

Anyway, my point is, all of these guys are super hot good contenders for the Bachelor. Saying it now, people.

The group date is weird and that is putting it mildly. Ian has a breakdown because he doesn’t perform well (again), Jared’s facial hair has reached an all-time low, and Justin definitely did the Kylie Jenner lip challenge before this date. Seriously…he looks like Mrs. Potato Head.

Nick steals the show by serenading Kaitlyn atop a balcony and nobody can say anything because they are all pissed they didn’t think of it. Joshua’s face is slowly getting redder and redder and may just explode all over the sidewalk. The innocent bystanders audience does not seem impressed at all by this travesty and the crowd slowly thins out over the course of the episode. Thank god it’s over. My ears are bleeding.

P.S. Did Tanner even go?

As if that wasn’t horrifying enough, the after party to this date is potentially worse. The only real thing that happens is that Joshua decides he will sacrifice himself to the gods and tell Kaitlyn that Nick is full of shit and everybody hates him. Kaitlyn likes to stir the pot, we know this, but it seems like every single week she is calling somebody out in public. Everybody was in agreement about Ryan and Kupah and Clint, but this time they are too afraid to agree with Joshua and leave him out to dry in a mayjah way. Talk about a plan backfiring. Nick gets the group rose. I’m sorry, what?

Oh, and Joshua’s new hairdo courtesy of Kaitlyn is so Britney circa 2007. Goes perfectly with his meltdown.

Shawn’s one-on-one is great. He starts off by standing up for Joshua, which I thought was a really boss move. He obviously wasn’t on the group date so he didn’t get a chance to stand up for him then, so I think this was the next best thing. Now, I don’t think Joshua is long for this world, but I think he scored major brownie points with Kaitlyn by doing so. Bonus points for basically telling her that Nick is a huge weenie.

After they kayak through some weird river, they sit down to have a heart-to-heart about how Shawn almost died once.

Shawn: The car flipped, like, 74 times and I army-crawled back up the road where the forest animals helped me back to civilization….

Kaitlyn: I’m undressing you with my eyes.

Shawn says he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn surprisingly reciprocates, and the makeout ensues.

At the cocktail party, Jared tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her but nobody cares because a series of Ian’s interviews from the season are being spliced together to make him look like the ultimate douche.  Don’t get me wrong, he said all those things and deserves the twitter massacre that is coming his way, but it was pretty obvious that ABC was working their magic.

Eventually, the most eligible bachelor in the country and in the world decides he needs to tell Kaitlyn just how self-absorbed she really is and sits down with her to lay it all out there. After all, he’s an ivy-league graduate athlete who cheated death, guys. He loves his story. He’s the new Kelsey.

Ian: I can’t live in these conditions. All these guys do is talk about farting and pooping.

Kaitlyn: Ha. Poop.

This is Ian

The episode shockingly ends without a cocktail party and we are made to believe that next week we will finally find out who Kaitlyn slept with on that notorious date. I can hardly contain myself.  

Game of Thrones Finale Blog

Welcome to a special edition of the blog dedicated to the emotional rollercoaster that was the Game of Thrones finale last night. I usually only post Bachelorette recaps on Tuesdays, but after I suffered all the feels yesterday,  It had to be done. Plus, my normal GOT text pals were either at a wedding or on a different continent last night, so I was all alone in my pool of sorrow and just need support, okay?

If there’s one thing you should do today, it is buy stock in Zoloft because America.is.depressed.

While so many of our loose ends got tied up last night (and I did find myself cheering aloud much of the time), I can’t help but feel that a small piece of me has died. The reason for my existence constant attention to the show is dead? Say it aint so. Who will I pine for now? It’s slim pickins these days. Daario? The Night’s King?

But more on that later.

Let’s start at the beginning where global warming hits Stannis’ camp and Melisandre is all, “Told ya so. Let’s go blow shit up.” Stannis’ wife—who, until last episode definitely won the award for worst parent—killed herself while half of Stannis’ troops ran away because toasting his kid like a marshmallow didn’t really leave a good taste in their mouths.

Lady Melisandre: Oops, I guess my 8-ball was off, sorry. Off to Castle Black, ttyl.

There’s a reason pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and Stannis marches on to his impending death Winterfell anyway where Sansa is playing frogger across the courtyard trying to get to the broken tower. It took her five seasons but by golly she’s gonna do something for herself for once. Unfortunately, by the time she gets to the top of the tower and lights the candle, Brienne and Pod see Stannis’ busted army coming down the hill and rush off to intercept him.

Sansa almost makes it back to her room without being spotted, but of course hell hath no fury like a kennlemaster’s daughter scorned, and Myranda is waiting for Sansy when she returns. She’s saying something about Ramsay only needing parts of Sansa to make babies or something equally weird when Theon finally does something of value and launches her over the balcony. Realizing the gravity of the situation (hehe get it?), the two decide that the most logical decision is to jump hand-in-hand from the roof into the snowy abyss.

Oh, and Brienne totally kills Stannis in a devastatingly anti-climactic way. I guess if I killed my child, my wife committed suicide and my mistress left me to go to a castle of dudes, I probably wouldn’t put up much of a fight, either.

Across the pond, Jaime, Myrcella and Trystane, who we never see this episode even though he’s allegedly on the boat, are making their way back to King’s Landing. Ellaria and her sand snakes see them off at the dock, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t really bat an eye at the uncomfortably-long kiss she shared with Myrcella (what with all the nudity and incest that goes on in this show regularly. I feel like I’m numb to weird at this point).  Anyway, Jaime is having a Maury session with Myrcella but she’s hip to it already.

Jaime: When two people love each other…

Myrcella: I, like, totally know. Blonde is a recessive gene…

They exchange their first and only hug as father and daughter before her brain totally blows up inside her head and starts leaking out everywhere. Cut immediately to Ellaria giving zero fucks back on the dock and wiping off her poison lipstick.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

Anybody else a little bored of Arya’s plot this season? The many-faced god needs to spice it up a bit. And while I appreciated her checking Ser Meryn off of her list (finally), I was really looking forward to her killing that man with her clams in a ghastly way.  That’s really all I have to say about that.

Oh, Arya is blind now, I guess.

Meanwhile, nobody can find Daenerys or her lazy dragon so Daario and Jorah set off to look for them. Tyrion tries to join them and they’re all like, “No, sorry dude. Only if you’re in love with her.” He and Grey Worm stay behind to run the city which is, for all intents and purposes, in lockdown mode after the fighting pits debacle last week.

Daenerys finds herself on the side of a mountain somewhere and nobody to help. Out of nowhere, a swarm of Dothraki, like seriously, the most horses I’ve ever seen, are swirling around her and suddenly being alone is looking pretty good. Not sure if they will know who she is, want to help, or be big pains in the ass. The jury is still out on this one.

Now, I know I can’t be the only one who watched the Cersei scene and didn’t instantly think of Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. If you’ve seen Les Mis, you know what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t, remove me from your Facebook friends immediately.

Cersei says she wants to be clean, confesses to one one-hundredth of her crimes, and is made to shave off her hair and parade nakedly through the streets of King’s Landing. The finest folk of King’s Landing have turned up for this event, and everybody throws stuff at her and waves their junk in her face as she passes. Meanwhile, the nun behind her, who has exactly two lines all season, manages to get hit by nothing. She makes it back to the Red Keep just in time to meet the new Frankenstein who has pledged a vow of silence until all of Cersei’s enemies are dead. Yeah, because the Mountain had so many lines before.

That little shit Olly better sleep with one eye open. That’s all I’m sayin’. I was extremely upset when they stabbed Jon repeatedly, but I also missed part of it because I forced my mom to watch with me and she was saying, “Oh no, isn’t that your man?” as it happened. I went upstairs and re-watched the episode before bed just so I could get the whole effect. At first, I was overcome with sadness. Then went right into pure hatred for the writers and vowed never to watch the show again. This lasted all of 5 minutes.

As I thought about it more, there are so many reasons why Jon just CAN’T be dead. #1, he’s the only compelling part of the storyline at the Wall. #2. We still don’t know the truth about his parentage (because I know y’all don’t buy the story they’re feeding us). #3. His neck was exposed for, like, a good 6 seconds where Olly could’ve slit his throat and didn’t. This may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but think about all of the major character deaths in GOT. Ned…beheaded. Catelyn…throat slit. Robb…stabbed in the heart. Tywin…arrow through the heart. If they wanted us to know for certain that Jon is dead and definitely not coming back, they could’ve made that more abundantly clear. Since they didn’t, I think we can at least pray for a weird Melisandre séance in season 6.

Thanks for stopping by!

Bachelorette Week 5

Hello beautiful people!  What a night we just had, right? I’ll get into all the crazy details momentarily, but for now I need to take a moment to give my gal pal and my blog’s #1 fan Alyssa a birthday shout out. How appropriate that I should be writing this ridiculous recap on the day of your birth. Cheers to you, sassy.

Back to your regularly-scheduled complaining blog.

My resting bitch face was at an all-time high as I watched last night’s episode. Partner that with my sporadic outcries of fashion suicide and pure disgust for Nick Viall, and I think it’s safe to say that my two bach guests will think twice before returning next week. I swear, guys, it won’t happen again.

But seriously, there is so much drama and not enough hot tub makeout sessions love on this season. There have been more villains than good guys and nowhere near enough Chris Harrison to satisfy America. Plus, where are my concerts? I WANT MY D-LIST CONCERTS!

We’ve also totally lost our plot arc in this season and the lit freak in me is cringing inside each week when the untimely credits roll. Normally, we have some secrets and a few antagonists who come and go, but everything gets resolved in a timely manner so that I can move on with my Tuesday. This season, literally nothing has been resolved and my heart just can’t take it. When will the madness end?

With all that in mind, I’m actually really digging the vibe of this season. You can’t expect what is going to come next, unlike virtually every other season in the franchise’s history. You can’t really say if there’s a frontrunner because nobody is actually running anywhere. Instead, they’re getting thrown out an hour before the rose ceremony because mama didn’t raise no fool and Kaitlyn is not all about the haterz. Point of information: if you are not utterly obsessed with Kaitlyn and only Kaitlyn, if you try to oust the network for its lack of diversity or if you’d rather be at the zoo, you will be in the next minivan home.

So we start out where we left off which is—spoiler alert—the same way we’ve started all five episodes thus far which is in the shiny driveway where Kaitlyn is uncomfortable and somebody is in trouble. This time, it’s Clint who feels the wrath of Kaitlyn, and borrows the same shovel Kupah used on his way out last week to dig a massive hole for both him and JJ to crawl into together.

But wait, the plot thickens!

Undercarriage of bus? Meet Clint. Sensing his impending demise, JJ takes it upon himself to throw Clint to the wolves in hopes of saving face with Kaitlyn. Clint manages to hold off his fury until Kaitlyn leaves, but he makes it pretty clear that JJ is not welcome in his shower any longer.

So long, farewell.

Kaitlyn goes out to talk to Chris Harrison to discuss her options.

Kaitlyn: I don’t think I want to have a rose ceremony tonight.

Chris Harrison: But, like,  I haven’t gotten to say “this the final rose” in 3 weeks. This is some bullshit.

Everybody moves on. The first group date is a rap battle because nobody has been embarrassed enough so far. These guys came up with some pretty impressive bars including rhyming ‘Florida’ with ‘bored of ya’ and 1, 2, 3—8. And let’s not forget the time JJ called an entire audience of New Yorkers hoes.

The fact that this turd is still alive boggles the mind.

I think Shawn and Justin had the best battle, and I’m not just saying that because Shawn showed his abs. Okay, maybe I am.

Nick Viall and Ashley I. are in the audience, which means this was a totally credible performance. Kaitlyn meets Nick for the first time and reveals to the cameras that they have never met in person but have chatted via “social media” before. See also: sexting.

Nick is just as offensive as he was on Andi’s season, and seems to have the same effect on Kaitlyn as he did on Andi initially. The dude can kiss his way out of any scenario, and he and his beady eyes completely threw Kaitlyn for a loop. She says she needs some time to think about whether or not he can join the competition and he understands this. Luckily, the guys are not so quick to forgive Nick for his misstep on the Men Tell All a few seasons ago, and Shawn tells it like it is when Kaitlyn seemingly asks for their approval. Also, did anybody else notice Shawn wearing skin-tight grey joggers last night? Justin tells Kaitlyn it’s totes cool if another dude comes in because he’s probably going home anyway he’s confident in their connection and Kaitlyn awards him with the group rose, which nobody else seemed to want anyway.

For those of you who weren’t at my house last night, moments before the Broadway date I uttered these fatal words: “Since they’re in NY, whichever guy on this episode says they love musicals is my pick.” Soon thereafter, I had to sprint to the kitchen to spit out my sangria when JJ declared his love of showtunes.

This date was right up my alley. I was impressed that most of them could find the key for A Whole New World (sorry, Joe) and that nobody was a bad sport about it. However, after all that, all they did was cross downstage right?! I mean, come on, people! At least let’s get a little kick-ball-change or something goin’.

Cupcake was way into it and I was way into Ben H. and his flannel.

After much deliberation, Kaitlyn decides to let Nick in on the fun, and delivers the news in person to the guys, who all shoot laser beam death stares at her. He doesn't even go here. She feels uncomfortable, as she should in her short-sleeve wool sweater, and exits the premise. The last thing we see is Nick entering the hotel room. Yikes. 

Next week, by the looks of it, Shawn gets his first one-on-one, Ian tells Kaitlyn she sucks, and Chris Harrison adds a clause in his contract about getting at least 5 minutes of airtime each episode. 

Until next time....

xoxo 

Amanda

Bachelorette Episode 4

Okay, but actually what is going on this season of the Bachelorette?

It seems that we spend an equal amount of time oohing and ahhhing as we do wincing out of pure awkwardness these days. Last night was fraught with homosexuality, temper tantrums and public indecency. What is happening to this family program? Whatever happened to scaling down buildings or jumping off yachts?

We begin with Kaitlyn giving absolutely zero fucks and storming out of the mansion to talk to Kupah and his dragging suspenders.

Kaitlyn: “What have I told you about using your inside voice?! “

Kupah is still begging to stay, which makes absolutely zero sense because he didn’t even vote for Kaitlyn AND she’s asked you to leave twice now. Eventually, the uber arrives and Kupah is gone with the wind. No exit interview in the van at all. Probably on his way to Laila Ali’s house, actually.

Meanwhile, back inside, the rose ceremony begins with Kaitlyn telling everybody basically to 

remember whose face is on the billboard and shape up or ship out. In not so many words. Daniel the fashion designer and Cory without an E are sent packing. This decision rattles exactly zero people.

If giant men in napkin thongs don’t scream love, then I don’t know what does. The first group date is quite the experience for all involved, including those poor children on the sidelines who can never unsee what happened there that day. The least offensive thing that happened all afternoon was that gargantuan doing a split, and that is saying something. The reader’s digest version of the date is that JJ’s tattoo is as stupid and inconsequential as he is, Clint is a huge douche and the two of them might just be perfect for each other.

Shawn is hanging low, but I see you. We haven’t forgotten, and neither has she.

The one-on-one is chosen by my main man Chris Harrison, and Kaitlyn and the less important Ben head to a damp basement filled with maggots and pigeons and snakes, oh my! Kaitlyn is almost taken out by a pigeon in the beginning but good thing big hunky Ben is there to remind her it’s just a fucking pigeon. They are given 45 minutes to figure out how to get out of the basement via solving riddles ending in a code to be entered into a computer. And none of you asshats thought to try roses? Seriously.

Kaitlyn in the basement

Their one-on-one time is sweet and meaningful and entirely boring in my opinion. He’s not really quirky or exciting aside from his backstory, which is really his only story at this point. His answers seem well-timed and seemingly rehearsed, which is the complete adverse to Kaitlyn. I just don’t get the butterflies with this one.

Oh, wait. I completely forgot about Tony until just now.

Multiple personalities Tony can’t seem to let go of his inner healer, although he keeps threatening to destroy people in the sumo match and then yells for an entire day about how he loves rainbows. This man is complex. He has the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy, guys. He just couldn’t continue to be a part of this circus anymore (you’re the one who wanted to go to the zoo, dude). Anyway, Tony and his stoner hoodie meet Kaitlyn at the hotel to tell her he’s leaving and Kaitlyn tentatively hugs him for fear he might shank her.

Side bar, did anyone else hear Kupah say to the producer, “Three days and I’m going home? I didn’t come here for this!” Thank you, Kupah, for shedding light on the fact that these people have been here less than a full calendar week and are already bach shit crazy.

Onto the final group date.

Kaitlyn and a crowd of child actors team up to bring to light the fact that America is doing a shitty job of those 5^th grade body talks at school. These men had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, except for the dreamboat that is Ben H. My 45-year-old health teacher gave me the chat at school. All I’m saying is that if Ben H. was my teacher, things might’ve gone a little differently.

That man is fine.

The entire experience was hilarious, especially the part where Kaitlyn didn’t let them in on the joke. Tanner and Jared got very little airtime, probably because they were god awful and Jared’s cheekbones were likely frightening the children. My #2 main squeeze, Joshua, tried his darndest, but lord does that man need some guidance. Ryan—I know, I didn’t know who he was either—was pretty darn funny but also completely unhelpful. Then, like the beacon of light that he is, Ben H. got up and showed everybody how it is done.

Ben H. got the group rose, and that’s all that really matters from the after party.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Clint and JJ are both really into themselves and really into each other. Both men like to think they are smarter than every other guy in the house, and also share in the fact that neither of them is correct as displayed through the intense turtle conversation in the hot tub.

Let that last statement sink in.

We’ve seen guys latch onto each other in previous seasons, but never quite in this fashion. What’s more is that the men of the house are not following traditional Bachelor villain rules. The rules clearly state that:

   There is one main villain in the house.

   This villain is complained about in weeks 1-4 but cannot be brought up to the Bachelor(ette) until at least week 5.

   Only one poor soul sacrifices his or herself for the good of mankind by telling the Bachelor(ette) what is happening.

   That poor soul is let go within 5-7 business days.

In a strange turn of events, the buy-one-get-one-free douche sale gifted us both JJ AND Clint this season, and what’s more, the men of the house are not waiting around to tell Kaitlyn that they suck. Sadly, Kaitlyn only heard the part where Clint is a scumbag, and somehow JJ gets off unscathed….for now.

Another week without a conclusive rose ceremony, but here’s what we know so far:

The Bens and Shawn are safe. That leaves:

Ryan

Jonathan

Justin

Corey

Jared

Joe

JJ

Clint

Ian

Joshua

Tanner

Cupcake

Assuming Clint gets the boot, my next guesses would include Corey, Jonathan, Tanner and Justin for execution. It will probably only be one other guy this week, and I’m kind of hoping it’s Jonathan because, frankly, his eyes alarm me.

Next week, Nick Viall shows up. This can only mean bad things in Bachelorette world, because the only thing worse than a villain from another season is a villain from another season in a stupid pullover.

Villains gotta vill.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda