The latest installment of the Bachelorette has all of
America up in arms, but definitely not for the reasons I would’ve guessed. As
it turns out, Kaitlyn’s sexcapades would only be half-revealed on Monday’s
episode, making us wait yet again for
the dramatic conclusion to come next week. Instead, the most upsetting part of
the episode was the beginning of Shawn’s mayjah meltdown before the credits
rolled. Runner up for most upsetting part of the episode goes to Cupcake’s
horrendous one-liners. “She is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”
But enough about that.
We must, of course, first discuss the barnyard explosion
that is Ian. Ian is a perfect supporting argument to my belief that paying
$100,000 for college and being a worthwhile contributor to society are not
mutually exclusive. Ivy or not, Ian’s biggest downfall is that he can’t work
through his own emotions. Here’s how I see it; Ian knew there wasn’t a spark on
either end, got pissed that she wasn’t wooed by him AND that he couldn’t seem
to find middle C on either of the singing dates, and proceeded to freak the
freak out because he wasn’t fitting in at home. Seems pretty self-explanatory
to me.
Maybe he should’ve gone to Kutztown.
Anyway, Kaitlyn is not having it and doesn’t even get off
the couch to see him out. Be gone, peasant. I still have a handful of other
shmucks to choose from. It was pretty obvious from the flushed cheeks in this
episode that everybody was gettin’ wild at the bar, but that doesn’t excuse Ian’s
harsh words in the van. My belief is that if you get cast on the Bachelorette
and you don’t know that they are going to splice together every little nasty
word that you utter, you deserve what’s coming to you in the twitterverse.
Chris Harrison emerges from behind a cannon to claim his
fifteen minutes of fame. Kaitlyn is just, like, not okay, you guys. Every week
is so stressful and she’s tired of people questioning her intentions and
telling her she just wants to make out with boyz.
While a strangely patriotic version of the rose ceremony
theme music plays, the hair squad—Joshua and Justin—get the boot. The rest are
off to Ireland, the best place to fall in love, or contract alcohol poisoning.
What is it with ABC and the Justin Bieber hoodies? Is this
their gift with purchase for being on the Bach? Is this how the producers tell
them apart?
Nick gets the first one-on-one and absolutely zero
congratulations are given. His date is the best kind; the walk around town and
buy stuff with ABC’s money and eat look at your dinner in a fancy place
kind of date. My season of the Bachelorette would be mostly these dates. And
tap lessons.
Neither of them actually sees Dublin because their faces are
smushed together the whole time. Except for that ghastly attempt at the jig. We
ALL saw that. Including this girl, who is not impressed.
Whoever edited together that sequence of Nick and Kaitlyn
with Jared and Shawn’s conversation is an absolute genius. They are laying the
foundation for Shawn’s impending blow-up, which apparently isn’t coming until
next week. In the meantime, Jared tries to remind Shawn that all he can control
is his relationship with Kaitlyn and to try to worry less about the fact that
they are rounding third base as we speak.
Kaitlyn: I wore this shirt with a hole in it just for you.
Nick: You have the best lips injection specialist.
Kaitlyn: Let’s go do it.
The morning after produces the classiest walk of shame I’ve
ever seen. Nobody seems to wonder where Nick was all night but they all crowd
around to listen to the PG retelling of his date. I don’t know why Nick chose to share with them
that he went back to her room because that can only end in one way. Joe tries
to ease the tension a bit by throwing out that Shawn also spent time with
Kaitlyn after their one-on-one last week, which had most of us like, what?
Guys, Ben H. is wearing a green tshirt because they are in
Ireland. Seriously. Does he get any better?
The group date leaves behind JJ and Joe, two men who
basically nobody cares about. If they are fated for the dreaded 2-on-1 date,
only time will tell because the shenanigans of the group date took up the rest
of the whole frickin’ episode.
Let’s crowd around a casket and say nice things about this
girl we all are dating and pretend it’s not weird. Ben Z. takes it to the next
level when he asks everybody to leave the room because he’s been to a funeral
before, guys, and he’s ready to get deep.
Ian would be proud.
Instead, he delivers what is arguably the least-sentimental eulogy
in history and all Kaitlyn can say is, “That’s sweet.” That’s sort of like
saying, “She’s nice.” We all start sentences like that, right? “She’s nice, but…”
Kaitlyn and Jared have some cute one-on-one time and he gets
the date rose, much to Shawn’s chagrin. Detonation in 3-2-1…
Shawn had to remove himself as to not flip a table and goes
to find the producer to vent. In this 30-second soundbyte we learn that Shawn
and Kaitlyn spent the night after their date braiding each other’s hair and
telling ghost stories and Shawn is pretty sure Kaitlyn told him he’s the one. I
don’t doubt that she said it, but I think it’s brave and a little all-telling
of ABC to show that to the audience.
Next week, we see the 2-on-1, the rest of Shawn’s meltdown
and hopefully less silver eyeshadow from Kaitlyn.
Until then…
xoxo
Amanda
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