Bachelor Nick- Week 2

Ah, the glorious stench of week two, where women you once loved now repulse you and there’s at least three women you don’t remember from night one floating around. I’m looking at you, Hailey.

Knowing full well that these women got, like, zero hours of sleep after the rose ceremony that ended at 7 a.m., I’m amazed to see them and their clip ins up and ready at such an early hour. Chris Harrison comes in to deliver his one line for the episode and remind the women that Nick really wanted to get rid of more of you but the network wouldn’t allow it and not everybody is getting a date this week.

HOT GROUP DATE

I think Nick very clearly put the women he was the most physically attracted to from night one on this date. The hotties run outside to pile into their sky blue Buick convertibles and Josephine is close behind, waving frantically as if it is the first day of kindergarten.

Doing a photo shoot on the group date is like the Bachelor and ANTM had a baby and I am here for it. Surprisingly, most of the women are owning their busted dresses and enjoying the chance to pose in front of a carnation arch. But I think we all know the best thing about this date was the photographer and his tropical romper. Is he available for birthdays? Because mine is coming up.

Real Talk: Do I even need to say it? Corrine is awful. She’s selfish, childish and so out-of-touch with reality. She won’t be around long and as an avid Bach-watcher I’d be willing to put my other hand on that fact. Nick has been around this block several times and he knows that putting up with BS like Corrine is not going to help him on his redemption tour. She won the photo challenge to cause drama, not because Nick wanted to give it to her. Nick can’t hide his emotions, and while he may be physically attracted to her, dumbass really isn’t his style. ABC wants him to be well-liked and respected. Corrine doesn’t fit that storyline, so she will not be the victor. The end.

In the meantime, I’m going to need well-educated ladies like Taylor to not let her get to you and to just enjoy yourself the way Alexis and her boob cupcakes are. #selfsufficient

How much has everyone had to drink on this group date? Nothing, because Corrine clearly drank it ALL. She steals Nick first to chat, and they have their first serious conversation of the night.

Corrine: How are you feeling?

Nick: I’m good.

Corrine: Yeah, me too. I feel things really strongly. Like if I like you, it’s like wow, I like you, yanno?

This is about the same awkward pose
I would've had for my headshot

Corrine returns to the group to tell them all about their intellectual conversation and after about ten minutes goes back for seconds. She interrupts Alexis who contemplated punching her in the face but walked away instead. I really wanted to see Alexis throw down, tbh. Instead, we get a little squabble between Taylor and drunk Corrine on the couch about both of them interrupting each other. But you know what? As long as there’s no situation about the situation, we’re okay.

Soft-spoken Danielle gets the first one-on-one and it’s like what are you doing on this show you normal sweet human. She is perfectly gangly and awkward and her curls don’t exactly fall right and this makes her the winner of the episode and of my heart. At dinner, she tells Nick about how she found her fiancée after a drug overdose and she didn’t even know he did drugs. Does this seem odd to anybody else because she’s, like, a nurse? Whatever. She gets the rose.

ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS DATE

 Nick takes the ladies to a breakup museum and all I can think of is somebody actually paid money to fund such a place. You could’ve donated money to cancer research, meals on wheels, my college debt- literally anything besides a breakup museum.

Anyway, the women have to fake break up with Nick in front of each other. It’s pretty uncomfortable for everyone involved but nobody does uncomfortable better than Liz. Sensing her fifteen minutes of fame is fleeting, Liz reads a short excerpt from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and Nick looks at every tree behind her head to avoid eye contact. Nobody says anything afterwards, like the time Joe in my office told all of us he voted for Trump.

Now the paranoia sets in for Nick as he spends the evening portion of the date wondering who—if any—of the women know about his sexcapades with Liz. He plants seeds with all of them as they talk but nobody bites until he meets with Christen, who lets it slip that she knows how big he is what happened at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Nick is obviously surprised that Liz shared this info, but he’s also clearly thinking, “You chose Christen out of everybody?”

                                                   Must’ve been the cheetah headband.

Nick decides it’s time to talk it out with Liz and she makes about as much sense as drunk Corrine trying to explain why she didn’t take his number and why she didn’t call him over the last nine months. There’s really no good answer to that question besides, “I was in a coma,” so we all knew this conversation was going to end with Liz in the elevator. See you on paradise? Maybe?

Nick walks away to tell the remaining women about his history with Liz—liztory? Do we like that?—and we get stuck with the first rose-less episode of the season. Who will care? Who will cry? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

A FEW TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE

Production could have probably dragged this Liz thing out for a few more weeks but they didn’t. Either they were pleased enough with the antics of bat-shit-Corrine or Nick really just didn’t want her around. I think it’s probably a combination of both mixed with ABCs continued effort to make Nick seem like a reformed bad boy. “Liz was my past and I’m looking for a future.” I can see it already…

Also, I wanted to point out that Raven says what all of us are thinking and for that she will sadly get the boot eventually. I know I’m not the only person who caught Nick saying that she had an attractive PERSONALITY and nothing else. Nail? Meet coffin. But Bachelor gods please let Raven stick around for a little while. We need her to keep it real.

xoxo

Bachelor Nick: Premiere!

Everybody….rock your body….Bachelor’s back…alright!

 

 The thing is, I totally had that line planned before I saw the season trailer with the Backstreet Boys but nobody will believe that now. No matter! The Bachelor is back and so am I. The overwhelming number of texts and tags on facebook make me feel really good, you guys. You dig the blog, or are just really bored at work on Tuesdays. Either way, I’ll take it!

So let’s start at the top. What do we know? We know Nick has 300 siblings and a mom who never smiles, only cries. We know Nick had sex with Andi and Kaitlyn and America hated it, but then he stood up to a bully on BIP and now America loves him. And we also know he still wears a messenger bag.

Nick’s hometown seems like a nice enough place to be. There’s plenty of outdoor space to run and do pushups and the staff at the grocery store are especially friendly.

BTW That woman in the supermarket is all of us.

Now it’s time to meet up with former Bachelors so they can talk about how completely awful Nick is to his face. Ben looks more like a soccer dad than ever—if that’s even possible?—and Sean is even smexier than I remember. And Chris…well…Chris could literally sweat through a wool sweater while being completely stationary. Nobody offers any advice other than be yourself and don’t be an asshole. That’s pretty much what Bella said and I bet you she didn’t get paid to be on the episode.

Let’s get to the mansion, shall we? Nick and his polka dot tie can get it. I was never super into him before but the facial hair is giving me all the feels. Chris Harrison comes to greet him like his long lost son and I’m sure they had a really nice chat but I tuned all of it out because he was wearing black and navy blue together. Whoever said black and navy blue go together is seriously disturbed.

Let’s meet this year’s crop of ladies, shall we?

Danielle the nail salon owner is gorgeous and does an amazing job hiding her clip-ins. She definitely has the potential to go far although in every shot I’ve seen of her so far she seems to be scantily clad. Don’t get me wrong; I have boobs and I know how to use them. But there’s a time and place.

I think we can all agree we would never let Josephine anywhere near us with a needle. Or just anywhere near us. I never thought I’d be against a girl who brought a hot dog as her gimmick but today is the day, people.

Little Raven the boutique owner is sweet and hopefully sticks around because she seems like she has a good heart. All she wanted to do was be friends with the shark-dolphin.

Corrine makes me annoyed because that was my name in high school French class and she’s ruining it for me. I have to wonder whether she knows how spoiled and ridiculous she looks and sounds. Either way, she’s spoiled and ridiculous. And blonde, so good luck.

Liz the MOH reminds me of a lovechild between Danielle Monaro and Shiri Appleby. She’s beautiful, not a size 2 and seems sweet enough. However, she wouldn’t give Nick her phone number when he asked for it. I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you say?

Rachel the lawyer and eventual bearer of the first impression rose is smart and very intense. Jade also wanted me to let you all know her weave is busted.

Taylor the mental health counselor spent her time talking about her friends and how much they hate Nick so that’s promising.  

That girl Lauren’s disgusting slut joke was not lost on me.

Dominique got out of the limo and I want everyone to know Evelyn let out a HUGE fart when she was on screen so I think it's safe to say she's not going far.

I’ve had like four people text me about how much they like Vanessa already and I hate when this happens but I find her extremely annoying. I can’t quite put my finger on it—maybe it was the vintage 2004 prom dress from the DEB that she wore to the premiere—but I am not super convinced yet. Nick was, though. He was into it.

You had one minute and you chose beard massage? I don’t even remember your name. Neither does he.

The camel girl is all of us after 4 glasses of wine.

Also, ironically, nobody was rude about the camel and in fact were envious that they didn’t think about bringing a camel themselves. How could you overlook such an obvious tactic?

And then there’s Alexis the dolphinshark. Was she wasted when she walked in? Will she be as entertaining next week in regular clothes? Were the people of New Jersey embarrassed or supportive of this year’s tribute? Only time will tell. I appreciate her commitment to the dolphins, however I wonder if she’s even seen one because that was very clearly a shark costume ABC borrowed from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance.

It's always fun for me when my guy friends pick out the girls they think are attractive based on the original photos, especially when they turn out crazy. One year, my friend Adam picked out crazy Jamie from Ben Flajnik’s season (see also, lap dance). This year’s hilarity comes from my friend Mason who picked out Christen and her yellow fan and red lips. Happy to send her your way, bud.

It felt like these limo exits took a full calendar year, amiright? Luckily, I think we can sum up the most important points from the rest of the episode rather quickly.

Have you ever seen the movie, The Woman in Black?

...You have now.

Corrine is a spoiled brat who voluntarily showed her nanny in her intro and—arguably more offensively—referred to sliced cucumbers as a snack. She will be around just long enough to irritate America and then Nick will cut her loose. I give her week 5, max.

The Liz situation is touchy. She seems to be a nice enough girl and obviously very pretty but her timing is poor. We all know how easily bruised a man’s ego can get and denying him your phone number once only to reappear when he’s achieved fame—only to later deny that’s why you came—is not helping your case at all. He has 29 other ladies vying for his attention; why would he give this another shot (see also: ratings)? Liz also clearly cannot keep the info to herself because in the season preview we see her telling Christen by the pool about it and we know Christen can’t be around that long so it must be coming up soon. Can’t. Wait.

Nick is much funnier and dare I say normal than I would’ve imagined. I actually giggled out loud when he told Alexis she couldn’t take off her shark costume or he’d send her home. I think I’ll enjoy watching him this season.

I don’t think this will be a very dramatic season, mostly because Chris Harrison didn’t say the word dramatic once this whole episode. The season preview seems mild at best, only highlighting Corrine jumping on a trampoline in a bikini and Liz’s sex revelation as the most exciting tidbits. They actually seem like a nice group of girls, at least so far? Famous last words?

So I guess it’s time for me to name my top five and my dark horses as I always do after the premiere:

Danielle the nurse, Danielle the boobs nail salon owner, Vanessa, Rachel, Whitney

Dark Horses: Brittany, Elizabeth (Whitney is kind of a dark horse too because she didn’t speak at all but I felt like he gave her the up-down).

Who do YOU like?

xoxo

Bachelorette JoJo: Week 6, Hometowns & Fantasy Suite Dates

I have to take a moment to apologize for the lack of commitment to the blog these last few weeks. I legitimately have zero interest in any of the remaining guys and as a result have taken to binging Netflix series and eating Friendly’s ice cream instead of writing my reviews. Sorry for being a huge potato and I promise to keep these next two weeks on track. Let’s jump back THREE WEEKS to a time when Polly Pocket Marine was still a thing.  

So last week, JoJo flaked out and couldn’t send James Taylor or Alex home because she was just too overwhelmed at the rose ceremony. Instead, she gave them both hope that she might still end up with either of them by letting them stick around, which we all knew to be incredibly false. But thank god she did because without that decision, we might’ve never gotten to experience the weird horse yoga we saw last night.

Alex gets his first—and last—one on one date and he’s pretty stoked because he’s been waiting for so long, you guys. Like, three and a half weeks. JoJo totally knew she was going to send his ass home and still made him put on that ridiculous hat and for that she received beaucoup points in my book. Alex is trying desperately to compliment JoJo about looking good on a horse, but it all sounds like an uncomfortable ninth-grade text.

Alex: Am I pulling off this gaucho look?

JoJo: Hell no.  

Later, she tries to let him down easily by explaining that when he said he loved her, she wanted to run as quickly as she could into oncoming Argentinian traffic. He didn’t take it well at all and, as petulant children often do, stormed out of the cabin. The camera people weren’t super prepared for this, and you could kind of tell that they were jogging to keep up with him as he made his way to the getaway car. JoJo was really upset that he wouldn’t even look at her, proving once and for all that if you’re mean to a girl, we’ll notice a lot more than if you’re nice to us (see also: James Taylor’s goodbye).

Just so we’re all clear, we know she’s going to pick Jordan, right? Would you drink the foot wine of anybody you weren’t trying to marry? I was pretty uncomfortable with that entire sequence. Now it’s time to finally bring up Jordan’s family, and what better time to do it then when you’re half naked and straddling each other in a pool. Your hand is a hundo percent in her crotch right now. Could you please refrain from talking about your “mama?”

Later at dinner, Jordan explains that he and his famous family member middle brother don’t actually have a relationship at all, and she won’t even be meeting him next week at hometowns. He’s quick to remind her of the time James Taylor called him entitled, pointing out that he gets exactly zero benefits of being related to Aaron and he likely didn’t even know he was on the show. Part of me kind of felt bad about it, and part of me didn’t care at all because I still don’t trust him or the height of his hair.

A 3-on-1 is weird as it is, but these sleepover games are taking it to a new level. I get that it’s raining but was there really nothing else to do indoors in the entire city? Also, how has Robby remained so tan throughout this experience? Which lucky producer got the job of being his personal spray tan artist?

JT: I know you’re more attracted to the other guys, but I think we still have fun.

JoJo: I know, I love making friendship bracelets with you.

James Taylor—bless his heart—tries to make Robby look like an ass because he looked at another Argentinian woman and tries to win JoJo’s affection by stuffing several dozen French fries into his mouth at once. JoJo doesn’t care, like, at all about the other woman. As we already know, she’s into douchey guys who have a wandering eye (see also: Jordan). In the end, she gives the group date rose to Robby, and nobody is surprised besides JT.

Oh, Chase was on this date, too. But not really.

Now Luke gets a one-on-one where they ride horses and shoot things and wear flannel. Throughout the season, ABC has been very obviously giving Luke and Jordan dates that put them in their element, and its working. Their relationship is so natural and cute to watch. They have that Texas connection, and to me Luke seems like the obvious, safe choice. Which pretty much confirms to me she isn’t going to pick him.

JoJo sends JT packing, which probably should’ve happened last week tbh. He takes it better than expected, and JoJo doesn’t even really cry when he leaves. She balled her eyes out when Alex stormed out of the cabin, but didn’t really flinch when the nice guy left. What is wrong with this picture?

HOMETOWNS

I love Hometowns. I like to see the mcmansions and how they are decorated. I like to see the wine consumption. I like to wait for the awkward sibling (there’s always one). But let’s get real; Hometowns are really just put in place for the Bachelorette to decide who she wants to bring to the fantasy suite, right?

We start our journey in snowy Colorado where Chase is waiting atop a mountain. This backdrop couldn’t be any cuter, even though Chase is about as exciting as an un-iced poptart. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the most attractive to ME, but he’s monotone and unexpressive and that’s just not going to fly with JoJo.

Did you know Chase had divorced parents? If you didn’t, I’m not sure where you were last night because it was a popular conversation piece. Chase decides to have JoJo meet his dad first without the rest of the family, probably because there’s some sort of restraining order involved. Normally the parents want to talk to the Bachelorette one-on-one but instead, Chase basically tells JoJo to gtfo so he can catch up with his Pops. It was hella awkward to kick things off by bluntly asking why his parents’ marriage failed. Maybe not my first choice of conversation after not seeing each other for a while but, hey, you do you. Chase’s dad handled it pretty well though, not getting too emotional—must be genetic—and taking full responsibility for his actions.

Later, JoJo meets the rest of Chase’s family who seem pretty normal. His mom is super sweet but spends a lot of time talking about how Chase’s upbringing was affected by divorce, while Chase and his sister are inside talking about the divorce. WE GET IT.

JoJo has to leave now so we cut to the always-painful goodbye at the black SUV. Chase looks like he might poop himself at any minute, and in an ode to 40 Year Old Virgin eventually just blurts out, “I’m falling for you!”

Jordan’s hometown date was a perfect representation of Jordan: secretive, questionable and voluminous. Literally everyone in the family has big hair. We start at Jordan’s high school where there are way too many childhood photos of Jordan and Aaron in the coach’s office from TWENTY years ago. But don’t you dare ask about Aaron or you will be stoned to death.

Jordan: What's so great about Aaron? Hmm? Jordan is just as cute as Aaron. Jordan is just as smart as Aaron. People totally like Jordan just as much as they like Aaron. We should totally just stab Aaron! 

Later we meet most of Jordan’s family and find out that everybody seems to rally behind how loyal Jordan is in this airtight Aaron feud. Even though he told JoJo not to bring it up, she immediately went and asked older brother Luke about it. He also says nothing, proving that the family who rehearses together stays together.

Oh, and his mother whispered something about JoJo being Jordan’s destiny at one point, which wasn’t weird at all.

As if all of this isn’t sticky enough, before exiting in the black SUV, JoJo tells Jordan she’s into it but that she is afraid this won’t work out long term. See also: I don’t trust your ass. Jordan mumbles some reassurance, and she leaves with a kiss. Your gut has been telling you don’t do it for weeks now! Listen to your heart, Poco.

Ugh I guess I have to talk about Robby’s hometown. First of all, this family is hilarious. Everybody is sporting on-the-go wine tumblers as if there weren’t any real wine glasses in this mansion. Robby used to be a competitive swimmer but now it would seem he’s gotten into the family business of spray tans. And, like, why are you calling your dad Coach?

It gets worse. Robby’s mom wants to let him in on the news of the outside world, which includes his ex-girlfriend’s roommate dragging his name through the mud. The word on the street is that Robby broke up with his girlfriend to go on the Bachelorette, which he passionately denies. He decides he wants to tell JoJo this news for himself, and breaks up the slumber party happening on his parents’ bed. JoJo is concerned, of course, but gets over it quickly because she’s an idiot she really trusts Robby.

Off to Texas where JoJo shows up sporting the cowboy boots Luke gave her way back when. Luke has arranged for the entire town to come over for a bbq, and the guest of honor is definitely Luke’s grandpa who blows up his spot about not knowing how to boil water. Gramps got jokes! Luke also has an adorable conversation with his dad about how he knew Luke’s mom was the one. The dad gets super sentimental and teary-eyed and thanks Luke for being a good person and serving his country and Luke basically just sat there like a statue.

He decides it’s time to tell JoJo he loves her, so he puts her on a horse, rides her out to a field where some poor producer he has laid flowers down in a heart shape and….doesn’t tell her he loves her. He says something like, “You have my heart,” but that’s not really the same thing at all.

Whatever. ABC clearly knows something we don’t, because this entire date is a setup for Luke to be the next Bachelor. How many awesome b-roll shots did they get? COME ON! OPEN YOUR EYES.

At the rose ceremony, JoJo can’t breathe because her tin foil dress is painted on she thinks she needs to send home Luke and can’t imagine doing it. A second before she calls the first name, Luke asks to speak to her, and they go outside to chat. He tells her he is in love with her, she tells the camera, “This changes things,” and then sends him home anyway. #savage

The fantasy suite dates are usually pretty uncomfortable, but this season definitely takes the cake. I’m going to keep this brief but here’s what we know after watching this episode:

·         She definitely had sex with Jordan and Robby

·         She definitely is going to be single within the year

The universe is trying desperately to tell JoJo to stay away from Robby by torrentially storming on and ruining all of their dates. After a foot massage at an open-air market (weird), Robby and his white pants sit down for another serious chat about how he loves JoJo and his ex-girlfriend isn’t in the picture anymore. So, basically nothing new.

The next morning, JoJo and her PERFECT messy bun enjoy breakfast in bed with Robby. “It’s our first breakfast together!” she exclaims. Then she gets up and leaves quickly so she can go shave her legs before her date with Jordan.

Jordan and JoJo hike to a cave, which is the exact opposite of my idea of a perfect date. Then they go have dinner and JoJo again expresses her concern about Jordan TO Jordan. He can’t tell her where he wants to be in a year, when the very obvious answer was, “Wherever you are.” She’s unsure about him, so she does the most logical thing and has sex with him. The next morning, she gets up and after exclaiming about having their first breakfast together (awkward), she leaves to go shave her legs before her date with Chase.

The date with Chase showed the most emotion we’ve ever seen from him. He was funny and playful and totally adorable. At dinner, they seemed to have a legitimate talk about the future. And then, the unthinkable happened. Quite literally fifteen seconds after offering Chase the fantasy suite key, she told him she didn’t think he should stay over and basically that she wasn’t in love with him. I could’ve died. Chase, who is usually even-keeled, got pissed and wasn’t really in the mood to talk. JoJo chased him out of the house crying, but he was having none of it. To which I say, good for you, sir. It’s okay with the exiled women run away from the Bachelor. You should do the same.

At the rose ceremony, Chase showed up to apologize to JoJo, which was nice but unnecessary. That reunion would’ve been so much better at the Men Tell All if they hadn’t cleared the air. I’m not sure what exactly JoJo was wearing but at least she wasn’t sweating to death like the other two. Also, where is Chris Harrison? He has barely shown his face this season. Anyway, she gave the two roses to the two guys standing there.

Like I said before, she definitely is going to be single within the year.

                                                                             Also, this. 

Bachelorette JoJo: Weeks 4&5

We all go through dark times in life, and the last week was certainly no exception. After a week without the Bachelorette—13 days to be exact—I was going through some serious withdrawal, stooping so low as to even consider looking at spoilers about this season (Tammy Palyo, I’m looking at you). I got myself together, though, and focused on the fact that Big Brother started last week. If you don’t already watch Big Brother on CBS, you should totally hop on that bandwagon. Imagine your level of addiction of the Bach for a show that is on three times a week. You’re welcome in advance.

Anyway, we find JoJo back at her first “exotic” location of the season, Pennsylvania. I didn’t even feel a sense of pride or excitement about her being in PA this week. I was just kind of confused and slightly embarrassed. Not for myself; for ABC.

After the luckiest producer on TV gets to wheel Chad’s bags out of the house, the men are having a protein powder funeral out on the back porch, blowing his “ashes” out into the forest. Clearly, none of you asshats have ever been camping. You don’t throw food out into the woods and expect not to have visitors. And now those visitors are going to be hyped up on protein.  

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the Chad, and he is back to yell and scream and fight somebody! JK, he just came back because a producer told him to, and the whole scene is busted. Jordan tries to pacify the situation by saying that on behalf of the whole group he apologizes for anything mean they did and could he also man up and do the same? First of all, Jordan, you’re not fooling me and I know that was just a ploy to appear valiant and not like the huge loser that you probably are. Second of all, Chad gave zero fucks and left without so much as exchanging emails with Daniel. That really hurt his feelings.

By the time Polly Pocket Marine gets back to the house, the producers have run to the nearest WalMart and gotten confetti, streamers and a cake that a blind person decorated. They lift him up excitedly, chanting dragon slayer. So now Chad is a dragon? This is really getting out of hand.

Episodes with two rose ceremonies seem way longer. James F. and Daniel get the boot. Daniel probs wouldn’t have lasted without his love, anyway. Oh, and if Evan doesn’t take those godforsaken bracelets off I’m going to lose my shit.

Uruguay bound! Much more exciting than Pennsylvania. I wish they would do an episode here in Kutztown and I could make the guys sit in the bear’s arms and eat Pop’s. Talk about ratings.

Jordan goes on his first one-on-one and it’s whatever because this whole season has felt like a one-on-one for Jordan. While he’s gone, the men at home visit Vinny’s barber shop (see also: hotel lobby) where he’s giving Polly a shapeup. The guys are reading a sleezy magazine and there’s an article about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend in there. Now, have you ever seen somebody on this show reading so much as a bible? They aren’t allowed to have anything, so it’s perplexing to me how this barber shop had a.) one magazine only and b.) had a magazine that conveniently was about JoJo. Almost as perplexing as the idea that Vinny cuts hair for a living and yet his hair looks like that.

Back on the date, JoJo puts Jordan on blast after meeting an ex whom said he treated poorly. It’s abundantly clear to those of us with eyes and ears that Jordan isn’t great when he’s confronted, taking nearly a full minute to answer her questions and sipping what appears to be an old fashioned in between long pauses. From experience, boys who drink those are bad news. Everyone has a past, and clearly his isn’t squeaky clean. I wondered if this was the girl who aired him out on twitter, but I don’t think it matters because she’s probably not the only girl in America who hates his guts. He eventually comes back and blames it on football, saying he couldn’t focus on two things at once. He also says something about Jesus.

Um, what?

She gives him the rose and it’s clear history is doomed to repeat itself. She has told us before she goes for the bad guy, and I don’t think he is any different. Face palm from millions of viewers.

JoJo returns home to chat about the night with producers. One amazingly-trained producer lets JoJo gush about Jordan and how great the night was extensively before handing over the magazine. JoJo launches immediately into the Kim K ugly cry and heads upstairs to talk to the guys.

By the time she gets up there in her comfy duster—let’s make dusters a thing again, right?—the guys have already decided that this article can’t be true and isn’t important. JoJo comes up to explain herself and sees that Jordan is sitting amongst them and goes completely ashen.

JoJo: Do you know about this?

Jordan: Yeah, it’s a non-issue. Like my non-cheating.

It’s obviously she likes Jordan so much more than the rest of you shmucks. Have you no self-respect?

Now it’s time for sand surfing which is an unsafe, stupid date, especially with lawsuit Evan in tow. For as athletic as these dudes are, nobody can get the hang of it and everybody is tumbling down the hill and even the heavens are bored and shoo them away with rain. This group date is uneventful except for the fact that Derek is turning into a brooding, whining little man who has taken a liking to only wearing dark colors. He gets the group date rose labeled now as the “reassurance rose” and everybody is pissed that he needed reassurance. Like you don’t?

Ew, Robby went on a one-on-one and it was awful. Okay, she liked it, but I can’t stand him and you all know it. They ate at a food truck (not saying much for Uruguay’s restaurants), jumped off a cliff and watched fireworks. He got the rose (gag) and told us that he’s falling in love with her and that means she must be falling in love with him back. Prrrrrrrretty sure that’s not how it works, brah, or else I would’ve been married to Zac Efon for years already.

At the rose ceremony, a producer Derek decides to confront the mean girls clique about giving him shit this week. The bros immediately band together and Jordan confirms again that this is a non-issue. Tell me, Jordy, what is an issue for you? Alex calls Derek a little bitch, which is ironic. Evan is somewhere off-screen having an aneurism about not getting time and actually uses the phrase, “My heart is on blast.”

That’s actually not even sort of right.

In the end, it’s time to say goodbye to firefighter Grant, Vinny the barber, Evan and his bracelets.

EPISODE 5

This is becoming a really lame-o season. Let’s take a quick look at who we have left, shall we?

Polly Pocket Marine - douche baggiest of them all and obvious gang leader

Drunk Eyes Chase - his trusty sidekick

Jordan - I’m not entitled but I am better than you

Robby - She’s in love with me, clearly

Derek - Cranky, whiny, brooding

James Taylor - Self-depricating and a little bit of a chump

Wells - Not sure what you’re still doing here, buddy

Luke - Crazy eyes monotone man

So Wells hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. Cool. Nobody should care about this but this season is just a playground full of bullies, including Luke who wastes no time bringing it up in front of everybody when JoJo comes to pick Wells up. He’s getting too comfortable.

I don’t think anyone, including Wells, thought this date was going to end with a rose. The weird pool situation made me uncomfortable, especially the part where JoJo cheered that Wells finally kissed her. “We did it!” Stop, please.

At dinner, Wells talks about how his last serious relationship turned into the friendzone, and JoJo nods emphatically because that’s pretty much where she is now. As if his excessive sweating isn’t enough, he’s also wearing black and navy blue together. For these and many more reasons, JoJo sends Wells home without a rose. And then, to make herself feel better, she goes to a weird, slow-motion rain rave.

P.S. I really feel like Wells and Sarah (from Sean's season) would be a good match. I don't know why, but the whole time he was talking, I kept thinking of her on Bachelor in Paradise. Maybe they can meet at an event or something. 

Next up is the group date, which further confirms that ABC is on a budget this season. This group date consists of walking around town and jumping in on a soccer game already in progress. James Taylor is feeling super uneasy because he’s not a supermodel, and decides to pull JoJo aside to show her how much he cares about her talk shit on Jordan. I don’t know why people on this show decide to talk shit on the clear favorite because it never ends well. JoJo looks disappointed, but my guess is she’s disappointed because she totes loves Jordan and doesn’t want to hear this shit.

 

She then immediately tells Jordan that James was talking shit, and that doesn’t go well. Again, we see how Jordan handles conflict, by taking long pauses, giggling, and making calculated statements to reassure JoJo that he’s not entitled at all, he’s just always right.

Whatever, Luke gets the group rose because he had his hand up JoJo’s skirt.

Chase and Derek’s 2-on-1 is awkward for everyone involved. Derek is wearing navy blue and black together and looks like some sort of cartoon villain. Chase has gotten royally screwed on his dates so far this season; first weird yoga and now this? They both suck at dancing so that’s cool. Later, Derek pours his heart out to JoJo and says all the right things, but she picks Chase because, let’s be honest, she wants to take him to the fantasy suite. As if the crying in the van isn’t enough, the sad montage of Don’t Cry for me Argentina really did me in.

Rose ceremony time! Luke and Chase already have roses from the dates, so the first two roses go to Robby and Jordan. Which, if you’re keeping track, is a GIANT F-U to James Taylor. One more rose to give out and JoJo just can’t handle it, you guys. She has to go outside to ask Chris Harrison if she can have another rose because she doesn’t want to send JT home and make it look like it’s because he talked shit on Jordan is still unsure of which guy she wants to get rid of. So everybody stays. Yay!

Until next time…

Bachelorette JoJo: Week 3

Hey there, friends! I’m back after 10 days away from my desk, my email and my voicemail. Mondays are usually rough, but to live through a first-Monday-after-vacation mixed with a Bachelorette-less Monday is pretty damn cruel. And after a double dose last week? WHYYYY?

The prospect of four glorious hours of the Bachelorette in one week was about as exhilarating as the time I spent the afternoon at the Cabot Cheese factory in Vermont (unlimited cheese samples). The episodes did not disappoint, either, so let’s get right into the first where we find the house looking like a hot damn mess. Well, actually, all we see are dishes in the sink, toilet paper in a tree outside and some of Chad’s leftover meat plates on the counter. No broken windows, no lines of cocaine left on the coffee table. Seems pretty reasonable to me. Side bar: Why don’t they have a dishwasher in this mansion? You have an infinity pool.

Chris Harrison shows up to deliver the date card and the first one-on-one is going to Chase. Who is Chase, exactly? He hasn’t had any airtime yet minus the adorable snow ploy from last week, so I’m excited to see where this goes. If we refer back to premiere week, I put this one on my dark horse list. He goes off to get ready and Chris Harrison absolutely does not clean any of the front yard.

The date is at a yoga studio where they are told to lay on the ground and grunt before pretzeling one another and staring longingly into each other’s eyes. It’s like bad karaoke; you’re uncomfortable but you can’t look away and you kind of enjoy it. “This is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on a first date.”

Oh, JoJo. You’re doing it wrong.

Later, there’s a real-live artist that we’ve all heard of singing on the second part of their date. Maybe this a really great sign for Chase? It may be the first time in years an episode has had somebody recognizable on stage. He obviously gets the rose because they’ve pretty much already been to third base today so it kind of felt necessary.

PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

You know how men look when they’ve had a beer—or six—too many? I recently had an experience where I met a guy at a wedding who was adorable and put together and very upbeat through all of dinner but by the end of the night he couldn’t keep his eyes open more than a few centimeters, his center of gravity was way off and his speech was slow and slurred. That’s kind of how Chase looks to me, like, all the time. Don’t get it twisted, that man is fine, but he kind of always looks like he’s had a few beers before filming.

…aaand scene.

Back at the house, the group date card has arrived with Chad’s name on it and he is less than pleased. Here’s the thing, nobody wants to go on a group date, unless you’re Daniel and you’re just thankful you’re still there somehow (#blessed). The Chad just calls it like it is and says what everyone else is thinking. The date is fucking weird, requiring the guys to get up on stage and talk about an embarrassing sexual experience from their past. My personal favorite was Santa, talking about how he uses the alphabet as a guide to pleasure a woman down below. Oh, he also got sent home shortly after this admission. Coincidence? I think not.

Evan uses his time on stage to poke at Chad and the on-again-off-again steroid debate. News flash, Evan. It isn’t really going to matter if he’s on steroids or not when he crushes your head with his bare hands a la Game of Thrones. Not surprisingly, Alex is enjoying this debacle the most and despite the desire to turn around and smirk at Chad, nobody dares move an inch in their seats. It may be dark in the theater, but Chad is on fire. I can actually see tiny flames forming in his retinas. Conveniently, Chad is the last one who needs to take the stage, meaning he has to cross paths with Evan on the way back to his seat. And by cross paths I mean ferociously pick him up by the scruff of his neck and rip his tshirt. Later, Chad will try to say that Evan bullied him in the aisle and that the push was justified. Everyone, including JoJo was like:

Later, JoJo talks to all the guys and starts the inevitable, “How are things in the house going?” conversation that never leads to anything good. Everyone starts with, “I don’t want this conversation to be able other guys, BUT….” That’s kind of the same as the tried and true, “She’s nice, BUT…” that we all are guilty of. How many times have you been asked to describe somebody and you say, “She’s nice, BUT she’s a huge whore and kind of a bitch and I hate her. But she’s really nice.”

Anyway, the only important parts of this night are Evan giving JoJo and ultimatum (which worked ironically) and then him receiving the group rose.

“Are you seriously vibing this guy right now?” – Chad, as well as all of America.

Whatever, there’s still three hours left. Plenty of time for Chad to get the boot. In the meantime, James Taylor goes on a swing dance date and of course it’s adorable and perfect because he’s adorable and perfect. Later, sitting atop a hill with the city lights dazzling below, James sings a song to JoJo and talks about feeling inadequate. He’s just so damn relatable, y’all! JoJo wants to see if they can move out of the friendzone, but despite their kiss, I don’t think it happened today. It was a cute lip lock, but nowhere near as steamy as the waist-grabbing, face-caressing makeout sessions she has had with Jordan or Luke. He’s probably just trying to be polite and respectful.

Respect her less, maybe.

Back at the house, there will be no cocktail party but instead a pool party where scantily-clad men and flamingos alike will lounge in the pool and try to provoke Chad. Evan’s nose starts bleeding after a near-fatal synchronized swimming accident and Derek, who seems to only be able to speak in hushed tones, tells JoJo that he can no longer share a bunk bed with Chad because he’s afraid for his life. But don’t worry, because they got some five-foot-nothing security guard to pace around the pool. Chad’s yam is bigger than that guard.

JoJo and Jordan’s alone time was cute. She clearly missed him and jumped into his arms pretty readily. Storm clouds are brewin’, though, because JoJo is scared of how much she likes Jordan already and can’t verbalize it to him. Nothing is more painful than watching her try to explain it to him and failing miserably. All he gets on his end is, “You’re confusing. You’re a mystery.” He has to keep explaining himself and that’s going to get old…fast.

Evan, who is already safe for the week, decides to tattle to Chris Harrison about how unstable Chad is and how he makes everybody uncomfortable. Chris tells Chad he better fix this or else no dessert tonight. It’s an epic fail of an apology, mostly because it wasn’t one. James Taylor suggests they all just ignore Chad. But then what would you guys do all day?

The rose ceremony cuts ties with Christian, Ali and Nick. NOT SANTA! JoJo is really effing up my final 5 pick this season. I’m down to three.  

Now we’re off to Pennsylvania for our first exotic retreat. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously love Pennsylvania, but I wouldn’t exactly call it Bachelor-worthy. Luke is going on the first one-on-one date and it’s clear that ABC is trying to cut costs this season. Really? An outdoor hot tub powered by logs? Whatever. We know Luke is getting the rose so let’s fast-forward through his monotone staring-into-your-eyes-forever conversation right to the part where hot men are playing sports.

 

The sports date is always one of the highlights of the season, where the boys are separated from the men, or in this case, Evan is separated from everybody else. Jordan gets to be permanent QB for both teams (convenient?) so he’s automatically going to the after party. Somehow, the island of misfit toys team—lead by Evan and his weak nasal capillaries—wins and gets to go to the evening portion of the date while the more athletic, attractive men get to go home and hang out with Chad.

Using their deductive reasoning skills, the men back at the house realize that Alex and Chad are destined for the notorious 2-on-1 date. Patriotic music starts playing and ridiculous quotes start flying. “Alex is a real live American hero!” Alex flashes his America socks and somewhere in the distance fireworks are going off and a tiny chorus of children sings America the Beautiful. Everyone needs to relax.

It was pretty obvious that JoJo knew what she was doing on this date before it started. The “date” was a short-lived hike followed by sitting on some rocks. It seemed like the whole day portion took less than two hours, which to me symbolizes that she knew whom she really wanted to spend the evening with. However, I really wasn’t sure if JoJo was going to send Alex home and shock the hell out of everyone. Stranger things have happened on this show (see also: Tierra).

REAL TALK

Alex is pretty much doomed, which we know by using basic Bachelor franchise knowledge. The tattle tale is not going to win. They never do, and instead their role is simply to pave the way for other contestants to shuffle along—villain-less—through the remainder of the season. There’s an Alex in every season and he or she is never in the finals. So, thank you for your service, but you’ve also shot yourself in the foot via the crusade against Chad.

Okay, so back in the hundred acre wood, despite Chad all but admitting to being a horrible person, JoJo still hasn’t cut him loose. That is until Alex plays his trump card. “He threatened to beat the shit out of Jordan earlier today.”  We all know she’s feelin’ him. Mama is thirsty, and nobody is gonna endanger her man like that.

JoJo: Did you say you were going to beat the shit out of Jordan today?

Chad: I mean, that’s not something that I didn’t say…

And with that, the magnetic rose is upon Alex’s lapel and Chad is left in the forest alone, Olivia style. But wait, he’s actually not left alone because he found his way back to the house where the men are staying with absolutely no help from producers whatsoever.

Oh my gosh I just realized I forgot to mention that disgusting exchange between JoJo and Robby. I could’ve gone back to the paragraph about the sports date and written it in sequential order but I think it’s important for you to know that I legit forgot about it slash expunged it from my mind because it was so offensive. He’s slimy. Something isn’t right with that one, and as they were sitting there making out on the pool table, I found myself turning away from the TV in disgust. Bleh.

Until next time....