Bachelorette JoJo: Weeks 4&5

We all go through dark times in life, and the last week was certainly no exception. After a week without the Bachelorette—13 days to be exact—I was going through some serious withdrawal, stooping so low as to even consider looking at spoilers about this season (Tammy Palyo, I’m looking at you). I got myself together, though, and focused on the fact that Big Brother started last week. If you don’t already watch Big Brother on CBS, you should totally hop on that bandwagon. Imagine your level of addiction of the Bach for a show that is on three times a week. You’re welcome in advance.

Anyway, we find JoJo back at her first “exotic” location of the season, Pennsylvania. I didn’t even feel a sense of pride or excitement about her being in PA this week. I was just kind of confused and slightly embarrassed. Not for myself; for ABC.

After the luckiest producer on TV gets to wheel Chad’s bags out of the house, the men are having a protein powder funeral out on the back porch, blowing his “ashes” out into the forest. Clearly, none of you asshats have ever been camping. You don’t throw food out into the woods and expect not to have visitors. And now those visitors are going to be hyped up on protein.  

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the Chad, and he is back to yell and scream and fight somebody! JK, he just came back because a producer told him to, and the whole scene is busted. Jordan tries to pacify the situation by saying that on behalf of the whole group he apologizes for anything mean they did and could he also man up and do the same? First of all, Jordan, you’re not fooling me and I know that was just a ploy to appear valiant and not like the huge loser that you probably are. Second of all, Chad gave zero fucks and left without so much as exchanging emails with Daniel. That really hurt his feelings.

By the time Polly Pocket Marine gets back to the house, the producers have run to the nearest WalMart and gotten confetti, streamers and a cake that a blind person decorated. They lift him up excitedly, chanting dragon slayer. So now Chad is a dragon? This is really getting out of hand.

Episodes with two rose ceremonies seem way longer. James F. and Daniel get the boot. Daniel probs wouldn’t have lasted without his love, anyway. Oh, and if Evan doesn’t take those godforsaken bracelets off I’m going to lose my shit.

Uruguay bound! Much more exciting than Pennsylvania. I wish they would do an episode here in Kutztown and I could make the guys sit in the bear’s arms and eat Pop’s. Talk about ratings.

Jordan goes on his first one-on-one and it’s whatever because this whole season has felt like a one-on-one for Jordan. While he’s gone, the men at home visit Vinny’s barber shop (see also: hotel lobby) where he’s giving Polly a shapeup. The guys are reading a sleezy magazine and there’s an article about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend in there. Now, have you ever seen somebody on this show reading so much as a bible? They aren’t allowed to have anything, so it’s perplexing to me how this barber shop had a.) one magazine only and b.) had a magazine that conveniently was about JoJo. Almost as perplexing as the idea that Vinny cuts hair for a living and yet his hair looks like that.

Back on the date, JoJo puts Jordan on blast after meeting an ex whom said he treated poorly. It’s abundantly clear to those of us with eyes and ears that Jordan isn’t great when he’s confronted, taking nearly a full minute to answer her questions and sipping what appears to be an old fashioned in between long pauses. From experience, boys who drink those are bad news. Everyone has a past, and clearly his isn’t squeaky clean. I wondered if this was the girl who aired him out on twitter, but I don’t think it matters because she’s probably not the only girl in America who hates his guts. He eventually comes back and blames it on football, saying he couldn’t focus on two things at once. He also says something about Jesus.

Um, what?

She gives him the rose and it’s clear history is doomed to repeat itself. She has told us before she goes for the bad guy, and I don’t think he is any different. Face palm from millions of viewers.

JoJo returns home to chat about the night with producers. One amazingly-trained producer lets JoJo gush about Jordan and how great the night was extensively before handing over the magazine. JoJo launches immediately into the Kim K ugly cry and heads upstairs to talk to the guys.

By the time she gets up there in her comfy duster—let’s make dusters a thing again, right?—the guys have already decided that this article can’t be true and isn’t important. JoJo comes up to explain herself and sees that Jordan is sitting amongst them and goes completely ashen.

JoJo: Do you know about this?

Jordan: Yeah, it’s a non-issue. Like my non-cheating.

It’s obviously she likes Jordan so much more than the rest of you shmucks. Have you no self-respect?

Now it’s time for sand surfing which is an unsafe, stupid date, especially with lawsuit Evan in tow. For as athletic as these dudes are, nobody can get the hang of it and everybody is tumbling down the hill and even the heavens are bored and shoo them away with rain. This group date is uneventful except for the fact that Derek is turning into a brooding, whining little man who has taken a liking to only wearing dark colors. He gets the group date rose labeled now as the “reassurance rose” and everybody is pissed that he needed reassurance. Like you don’t?

Ew, Robby went on a one-on-one and it was awful. Okay, she liked it, but I can’t stand him and you all know it. They ate at a food truck (not saying much for Uruguay’s restaurants), jumped off a cliff and watched fireworks. He got the rose (gag) and told us that he’s falling in love with her and that means she must be falling in love with him back. Prrrrrrrretty sure that’s not how it works, brah, or else I would’ve been married to Zac Efon for years already.

At the rose ceremony, a producer Derek decides to confront the mean girls clique about giving him shit this week. The bros immediately band together and Jordan confirms again that this is a non-issue. Tell me, Jordy, what is an issue for you? Alex calls Derek a little bitch, which is ironic. Evan is somewhere off-screen having an aneurism about not getting time and actually uses the phrase, “My heart is on blast.”

That’s actually not even sort of right.

In the end, it’s time to say goodbye to firefighter Grant, Vinny the barber, Evan and his bracelets.

EPISODE 5

This is becoming a really lame-o season. Let’s take a quick look at who we have left, shall we?

Polly Pocket Marine - douche baggiest of them all and obvious gang leader

Drunk Eyes Chase - his trusty sidekick

Jordan - I’m not entitled but I am better than you

Robby - She’s in love with me, clearly

Derek - Cranky, whiny, brooding

James Taylor - Self-depricating and a little bit of a chump

Wells - Not sure what you’re still doing here, buddy

Luke - Crazy eyes monotone man

So Wells hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. Cool. Nobody should care about this but this season is just a playground full of bullies, including Luke who wastes no time bringing it up in front of everybody when JoJo comes to pick Wells up. He’s getting too comfortable.

I don’t think anyone, including Wells, thought this date was going to end with a rose. The weird pool situation made me uncomfortable, especially the part where JoJo cheered that Wells finally kissed her. “We did it!” Stop, please.

At dinner, Wells talks about how his last serious relationship turned into the friendzone, and JoJo nods emphatically because that’s pretty much where she is now. As if his excessive sweating isn’t enough, he’s also wearing black and navy blue together. For these and many more reasons, JoJo sends Wells home without a rose. And then, to make herself feel better, she goes to a weird, slow-motion rain rave.

P.S. I really feel like Wells and Sarah (from Sean's season) would be a good match. I don't know why, but the whole time he was talking, I kept thinking of her on Bachelor in Paradise. Maybe they can meet at an event or something. 

Next up is the group date, which further confirms that ABC is on a budget this season. This group date consists of walking around town and jumping in on a soccer game already in progress. James Taylor is feeling super uneasy because he’s not a supermodel, and decides to pull JoJo aside to show her how much he cares about her talk shit on Jordan. I don’t know why people on this show decide to talk shit on the clear favorite because it never ends well. JoJo looks disappointed, but my guess is she’s disappointed because she totes loves Jordan and doesn’t want to hear this shit.

 

She then immediately tells Jordan that James was talking shit, and that doesn’t go well. Again, we see how Jordan handles conflict, by taking long pauses, giggling, and making calculated statements to reassure JoJo that he’s not entitled at all, he’s just always right.

Whatever, Luke gets the group rose because he had his hand up JoJo’s skirt.

Chase and Derek’s 2-on-1 is awkward for everyone involved. Derek is wearing navy blue and black together and looks like some sort of cartoon villain. Chase has gotten royally screwed on his dates so far this season; first weird yoga and now this? They both suck at dancing so that’s cool. Later, Derek pours his heart out to JoJo and says all the right things, but she picks Chase because, let’s be honest, she wants to take him to the fantasy suite. As if the crying in the van isn’t enough, the sad montage of Don’t Cry for me Argentina really did me in.

Rose ceremony time! Luke and Chase already have roses from the dates, so the first two roses go to Robby and Jordan. Which, if you’re keeping track, is a GIANT F-U to James Taylor. One more rose to give out and JoJo just can’t handle it, you guys. She has to go outside to ask Chris Harrison if she can have another rose because she doesn’t want to send JT home and make it look like it’s because he talked shit on Jordan is still unsure of which guy she wants to get rid of. So everybody stays. Yay!

Until next time…