I have to take a moment to apologize for the lack of commitment to the
blog these last few weeks. I legitimately have zero interest in any of the
remaining guys and as a result have taken to binging Netflix series and eating
Friendly’s ice cream instead of writing my reviews. Sorry for being a huge
potato and I promise to keep these next two weeks on track. Let’s jump back THREE WEEKS to a time when
Polly Pocket Marine was still a thing.
So last week, JoJo flaked out and couldn’t send James Taylor or Alex
home because she was just too overwhelmed at the rose ceremony. Instead, she
gave them both hope that she might still end up with either of them by letting
them stick around, which we all knew to be incredibly false. But thank god she
did because without that decision, we might’ve never gotten to experience the
weird horse yoga we saw last night.
Alex gets his first—and last—one on one date and he’s pretty stoked
because he’s been waiting for so long, you guys. Like, three and a half weeks.
JoJo totally knew she was going to send his ass home and still made him put on
that ridiculous hat and for that she received beaucoup points in my book. Alex
is trying desperately to compliment JoJo about looking good on a horse, but it
all sounds like an uncomfortable ninth-grade text.
Alex: Am I pulling off this
gaucho look?
JoJo: Hell no.
Later, she tries to let him down easily by explaining that when he said
he loved her, she wanted to run as quickly as she could into oncoming
Argentinian traffic. He didn’t take it well at all and, as petulant children
often do, stormed out of the cabin. The camera people weren’t super prepared
for this, and you could kind of tell that they were jogging to keep up with him
as he made his way to the getaway car. JoJo was really upset that he wouldn’t
even look at her, proving once and for all that if you’re mean to a girl, we’ll
notice a lot more than if you’re nice to us (see also: James Taylor’s goodbye).
Just so we’re all clear, we know she’s going to pick Jordan, right?
Would you drink the foot wine of anybody you weren’t trying to marry? I was
pretty uncomfortable with that entire sequence. Now it’s time to finally bring up Jordan’s family, and
what better time to do it then when you’re half naked and straddling each other
in a pool. Your hand is a hundo percent in her crotch right now. Could you
please refrain from talking about your “mama?”
Later at dinner, Jordan explains that he and his famous family
member middle brother don’t actually have a relationship at all, and she
won’t even be meeting him next week at hometowns. He’s quick to remind her of
the time James Taylor called him entitled, pointing out that he gets exactly
zero benefits of being related to Aaron and he likely didn’t even know he was
on the show. Part of me kind of felt bad about it, and part of me didn’t care
at all because I still don’t trust him or the height of his hair.
A 3-on-1 is weird as it is, but these sleepover games are taking it to
a new level. I get that it’s raining but was there really nothing else to do
indoors in the entire city? Also, how has Robby remained so tan throughout this
experience? Which lucky producer got the job of being his personal spray tan
artist?
JT: I know you’re more
attracted to the other guys, but I think we still have fun.
JoJo: I know, I love making
friendship bracelets with you.
James Taylor—bless his heart—tries to make Robby look like an ass
because he looked at another Argentinian woman and tries to win JoJo’s
affection by stuffing several dozen French fries into his mouth at once. JoJo
doesn’t care, like, at all about the other woman. As we already know, she’s
into douchey guys who have a wandering eye (see also: Jordan). In the end, she
gives the group date rose to Robby, and nobody is surprised besides JT.
Oh, Chase was on this date, too. But not really.
Now Luke gets a one-on-one where they ride horses and shoot things and
wear flannel. Throughout the season, ABC has been very obviously giving Luke
and Jordan dates that put them in their element, and its working. Their
relationship is so natural and cute to watch. They have that Texas connection,
and to me Luke seems like the obvious, safe
choice. Which pretty much confirms to me she isn’t going to pick him.
JoJo sends JT packing, which probably should’ve happened last week tbh.
He takes it better than expected, and JoJo doesn’t even really cry when he
leaves. She balled her eyes out when Alex stormed out of the cabin, but didn’t
really flinch when the nice guy left. What is wrong with this picture?
HOMETOWNS
I love Hometowns. I like to see the mcmansions and how they are
decorated. I like to see the wine consumption. I like to wait for the awkward
sibling (there’s always one). But let’s get real; Hometowns are really just put
in place for the Bachelorette to decide who she wants to bring to the fantasy
suite, right?
We start our journey in snowy Colorado where Chase is waiting atop a
mountain. This backdrop couldn’t be any cuter, even though Chase is about as
exciting as an un-iced poptart. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the most attractive to
ME, but he’s monotone and unexpressive and that’s just not going to fly with
JoJo.
Did you know Chase had divorced parents? If you didn’t, I’m not sure
where you were last night because it was a popular conversation piece. Chase
decides to have JoJo meet his dad first without the rest of the family,
probably because there’s some sort of restraining order involved. Normally the
parents want to talk to the Bachelorette one-on-one but instead, Chase
basically tells JoJo to gtfo so he can catch up with his Pops. It was hella
awkward to kick things off by bluntly asking why his parents’ marriage failed. Maybe
not my first choice of conversation after not seeing each other for a while
but, hey, you do you. Chase’s dad handled it pretty well though, not getting
too emotional—must be genetic—and taking full responsibility for his actions.
Later, JoJo meets the rest of Chase’s family who seem pretty normal.
His mom is super sweet but spends a lot of time talking about how Chase’s
upbringing was affected by divorce, while Chase and his sister are inside
talking about the divorce. WE GET IT.
JoJo has to leave now so we cut to the always-painful goodbye at the
black SUV. Chase looks like he might poop himself at any minute, and in an ode
to 40 Year Old Virgin eventually just blurts out, “I’m falling for you!”
Jordan’s hometown date was a perfect representation of Jordan: secretive,
questionable and voluminous. Literally everyone
in the family has big hair. We start at Jordan’s high school where there are
way too many childhood photos of Jordan and Aaron in the coach’s office from
TWENTY years ago. But don’t you dare ask about Aaron or you will be stoned to death.
Jordan: What's so great about Aaron? Hmm? Jordan is just as cute as
Aaron. Jordan is just as smart as Aaron. People totally like Jordan just as
much as they like Aaron. We should totally just stab Aaron!
Later we meet most of Jordan’s family and find out that everybody seems
to rally behind how loyal Jordan is in this airtight Aaron feud. Even though he
told JoJo not to bring it up, she immediately went and asked older brother Luke
about it. He also says nothing, proving that the family who rehearses together
stays together.
Oh, and his mother whispered something about JoJo being Jordan’s
destiny at one point, which wasn’t weird at all.
As if all of this isn’t sticky enough, before exiting in the black SUV,
JoJo tells Jordan she’s into it but that she is afraid this won’t work out long
term. See also: I don’t trust your ass. Jordan mumbles some reassurance, and
she leaves with a kiss. Your gut has been telling you don’t do it for weeks
now! Listen to your heart, Poco.
Ugh I guess I have to talk about Robby’s hometown. First of all, this
family is hilarious. Everybody is sporting on-the-go wine tumblers as if there
weren’t any real wine glasses in this mansion. Robby used to be a competitive
swimmer but now it would seem he’s gotten into the family business of spray tans.
And, like, why are you calling your dad Coach?
It gets worse. Robby’s mom wants to let him in on the news of the
outside world, which includes his ex-girlfriend’s roommate dragging his name
through the mud. The word on the street is that Robby broke up with his girlfriend
to go on the Bachelorette, which he passionately denies. He decides he wants to
tell JoJo this news for himself, and breaks up the slumber party happening on
his parents’ bed. JoJo is concerned, of course, but gets over it quickly
because she’s an idiot she really trusts Robby.
Off to Texas where JoJo shows up sporting the cowboy boots Luke gave
her way back when. Luke has arranged for the entire town to come over for a
bbq, and the guest of honor is definitely Luke’s grandpa who blows up his spot
about not knowing how to boil water. Gramps got jokes! Luke also has an
adorable conversation with his dad about how he knew Luke’s mom was the one.
The dad gets super sentimental and teary-eyed and thanks Luke for being a good
person and serving his country and Luke basically just sat there like a statue.
He decides it’s time to tell JoJo he loves her, so he puts her on a
horse, rides her out to a field where some poor producer he has laid
flowers down in a heart shape and….doesn’t tell her he loves her. He says
something like, “You have my heart,” but that’s not really the same thing at
all.
Whatever. ABC clearly knows something we don’t, because this entire
date is a setup for Luke to be the next Bachelor. How many awesome b-roll shots
did they get? COME ON! OPEN YOUR EYES.
At the rose ceremony, JoJo can’t breathe because her tin foil dress
is painted on she thinks she needs to send home Luke and can’t imagine
doing it. A second before she calls the first name, Luke asks to speak to her,
and they go outside to chat. He tells her he is in love with her, she tells the
camera, “This changes things,” and then sends him home anyway. #savage
The fantasy suite dates are usually pretty uncomfortable, but this
season definitely takes the cake. I’m
going to keep this brief but here’s what we know after watching this episode:
·
She definitely had sex with Jordan and Robby
·
She definitely is going to be single within the
year
The universe is trying desperately to tell JoJo to stay away from Robby
by torrentially storming on and ruining all of their dates. After a foot
massage at an open-air market (weird), Robby and his white pants sit down for another
serious chat about how he loves JoJo and his ex-girlfriend isn’t in the picture
anymore. So, basically nothing new.
The next morning, JoJo and her PERFECT messy bun enjoy breakfast in bed
with Robby. “It’s our first breakfast together!” she exclaims. Then she gets up
and leaves quickly so she can go shave her legs before her date with Jordan.
Jordan and JoJo hike to a cave, which is the exact opposite of my idea
of a perfect date. Then they go have dinner and JoJo again expresses her
concern about Jordan TO Jordan. He can’t tell her where he wants to be in a
year, when the very obvious answer was, “Wherever you are.” She’s unsure about
him, so she does the most logical thing and has sex with him. The next morning,
she gets up and after exclaiming about having their first breakfast together
(awkward), she leaves to go shave her legs before her date with Chase.
The date with Chase showed the most emotion we’ve ever seen from him.
He was funny and playful and totally adorable. At dinner, they seemed to have a
legitimate talk about the future. And then, the unthinkable happened. Quite
literally fifteen seconds after offering Chase the fantasy suite key, she told
him she didn’t think he should stay over and basically that she wasn’t in love with
him. I could’ve died. Chase, who is usually even-keeled, got pissed and wasn’t
really in the mood to talk. JoJo chased him out of the house crying, but he was
having none of it. To which I say, good for you, sir. It’s okay with the exiled
women run away from the Bachelor. You should do the same.
At the rose ceremony, Chase showed up to apologize to JoJo, which was
nice but unnecessary. That reunion would’ve been so much better at the Men Tell
All if they hadn’t cleared the air. I’m
not sure what exactly JoJo was wearing but at least she wasn’t sweating to
death like the other two. Also, where is Chris Harrison? He has barely shown
his face this season. Anyway, she gave the two roses to the two guys standing
there.
Like I said before, she definitely is going to be single within the year.
Also, this.
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