Hey there, friends! I’m back after 10 days away from my desk, my
email and my voicemail. Mondays are usually rough, but to live through a
first-Monday-after-vacation mixed with a Bachelorette-less Monday is pretty
damn cruel. And after a double dose last week? WHYYYY?
The prospect of four glorious hours of the Bachelorette in one
week was about as exhilarating as the time I spent the afternoon at the Cabot
Cheese factory in Vermont (unlimited cheese samples). The episodes did not disappoint,
either, so let’s get right into the first where we find the house looking like
a hot damn mess. Well, actually, all we see are dishes in the sink, toilet
paper in a tree outside and some of Chad’s leftover meat plates on the counter.
No broken windows, no lines of cocaine left on the coffee table. Seems pretty
reasonable to me. Side bar: Why don’t they have a dishwasher in this mansion?
You have an infinity pool.
Chris Harrison shows up to deliver the date card and the first
one-on-one is going to Chase. Who is Chase, exactly? He hasn’t had any airtime
yet minus the adorable snow ploy from last week, so I’m excited to see
The date is at a yoga studio where they are told to lay on the
ground and grunt before pretzeling one another and staring longingly into each
other’s eyes. It’s like bad karaoke; you’re uncomfortable but you can’t look
away and you kind of enjoy it. “This is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on a
first date.”
Oh, JoJo. You’re doing it wrong.
Later, there’s a real-live artist that we’ve all heard of
singing on the second part of their date. Maybe this a really great sign for
Chase? It may be the first time in years an episode has had somebody
recognizable on stage. He obviously gets the rose because they’ve pretty much
already been to third base today so it kind of felt necessary.
PAUSE FOR
THOUGHT
You know how men look when they’ve had a beer—or six—too many? I
recently had an experience where I met a guy at a wedding who was adorable and
put together and very upbeat through all of dinner but by the end of the night
he couldn’t keep his eyes open more than a few centimeters, his center of
gravity was way off and his speech was slow and slurred. That’s kind of how
Chase looks to me, like, all the time. Don’t get it twisted, that man is fine,
but he kind of always looks like he’s had a few beers before filming.
…aaand scene.
Back at the house, the group date card has arrived with Chad’s
name on it and he is less than pleased. Here’s the thing, nobody wants to go on a group date, unless you’re
Daniel and you’re just thankful you’re still there somehow (#blessed). The Chad
just calls it like it is and says what everyone else is thinking. The date is
fucking weird, requiring the guys to get up on stage and talk about an embarrassing
sexual experience from their past. My personal favorite was Santa, talking
about how he uses the alphabet as a guide to pleasure a woman down below. Oh,
he also got sent home shortly after this admission. Coincidence? I think not.
Evan uses his time on stage to poke at Chad and the
on-again-off-again steroid debate. News flash, Evan. It isn’t really going to
matter if he’s on steroids or not when he crushes your head with his bare hands
a la Game of Thrones. Not surprisingly, Alex is enjoying this debacle the most
and despite the desire to turn around and smirk at Chad, nobody dares move an
inch in their seats. It may be dark in the theater, but Chad is on fire. I can
actually see tiny flames forming in his retinas. Conveniently, Chad is the last
one who needs to take the stage, meaning he has to cross paths with Evan on the
way back to his seat. And by cross paths I mean ferociously pick him up by the
scruff of his neck and rip his tshirt. Later, Chad will try to say that Evan
bullied him in the aisle and that the push was justified. Everyone, including
JoJo was like:
Later, JoJo talks to all the guys and starts the inevitable, “How
are things in the house going?” conversation that never leads to anything good.
Everyone starts with, “I don’t want this conversation to be able other guys,
BUT….” That’s kind of the same as the tried and true, “She’s nice, BUT…” that
we all are guilty of. How many times have you been asked to describe somebody
and you say, “She’s nice, BUT she’s a huge whore and kind of a bitch and I hate
her. But she’s really nice.”
Anyway, the only important parts of this night are Evan giving
JoJo and ultimatum (which worked ironically) and then him receiving the group
rose.
“Are you seriously vibing this guy right now?” – Chad, as well
as all of America.
Whatever, there’s still three hours left. Plenty of time for
Chad to get the boot. In the meantime, James Taylor goes on a swing dance date
and of course it’s adorable and perfect because he’s adorable and perfect.
Later, sitting atop a hill with the city lights dazzling below, James sings a
song to JoJo and talks about feeling inadequate. He’s just so damn relatable, y’all!
JoJo wants to see if they can move out of the friendzone, but despite their
kiss, I don’t think it happened today. It was a cute lip lock, but nowhere near
as steamy as the waist-grabbing, face-caressing makeout sessions she has had
with Jordan or Luke. He’s probably just trying to be polite and respectful.
Respect her less, maybe.
Back at the house, there will be no cocktail party but instead a
pool party where scantily-clad men and flamingos alike will lounge in the pool
and try to provoke Chad. Evan’s nose starts bleeding after a near-fatal synchronized
swimming accident and Derek, who seems to only be able to speak in hushed
tones, tells JoJo that he can no longer share a bunk bed with Chad because he’s
afraid for his life. But don’t worry, because they got some five-foot-nothing
security guard to pace around the pool. Chad’s yam is bigger than that guard.
JoJo and Jordan’s alone time was cute. She clearly missed him
and jumped into his arms pretty readily. Storm clouds are brewin’, though,
because JoJo is scared of how much she likes Jordan already and can’t verbalize
it to him. Nothing is more painful than watching her try to explain it to him
and failing miserably. All he gets on his end is, “You’re confusing. You’re a
mystery.” He has to keep explaining himself and that’s going to get old…fast.
Evan, who is already safe for the week, decides to tattle to
Chris Harrison about how unstable Chad is and how he makes everybody
uncomfortable. Chris tells Chad he better fix this or else no dessert tonight.
It’s an epic fail of an apology, mostly because it wasn’t one. James Taylor
suggests they all just ignore Chad. But then what would you guys do all day?
The rose ceremony cuts ties with Christian, Ali and Nick. NOT
SANTA! JoJo is really effing up my final 5 pick this season. I’m down to three.
Now we’re off to Pennsylvania for our first exotic retreat. Don’t
get me wrong, I obviously love Pennsylvania, but I wouldn’t exactly call it
Bachelor-worthy. Luke is going on the first one-on-one date and it’s clear that
ABC is trying to cut costs this season. Really? An outdoor hot tub powered by
logs? Whatever. We know Luke is getting the rose so let’s fast-forward through
his monotone staring-into-your-eyes-forever conversation right to the part
where hot men are playing sports.
The sports date is always one of the highlights of the season,
where the boys are separated from the men, or in this case, Evan is separated
from everybody else. Jordan gets to be permanent QB for both teams
(convenient?) so he’s automatically going to the after party. Somehow, the
island of misfit toys team—lead by Evan and his weak nasal capillaries—wins and
gets to go to the evening portion of the date while the more athletic,
attractive men get to go home and hang out with Chad.
Using their deductive reasoning skills, the men back at the
house realize that Alex and Chad are destined for the notorious 2-on-1 date. Patriotic
music starts playing and ridiculous quotes start flying. “Alex is a real live
American hero!” Alex flashes his America socks and somewhere in the distance
fireworks are going off and a tiny chorus of children sings America the Beautiful. Everyone needs to
relax.
It was pretty obvious that JoJo knew what she was doing on this
date before it started. The “date” was a short-lived hike followed by sitting
on some rocks. It seemed like the whole day portion took less than two hours,
which to me symbolizes that she knew whom she really wanted to spend the
evening with. However, I really wasn’t
sure if JoJo was going to send Alex home and shock the hell out of everyone.
Stranger things have happened on this show (see also: Tierra).
REAL TALK
Alex is pretty much doomed, which we know by using basic
Bachelor franchise knowledge. The tattle tale is not going to win. They never
do, and instead their role is simply to pave the way for other contestants to
shuffle along—villain-less—through the remainder of the season. There’s an Alex
in every season and he or she is never in the finals. So, thank you for your
service, but you’ve also shot yourself in the foot via the crusade against Chad.
Okay, so back in the hundred acre wood, despite Chad all but
admitting to being a horrible person, JoJo still hasn’t cut him loose. That is
until Alex plays his trump card. “He threatened to beat the shit out of Jordan
earlier today.” We all know she’s feelin’ him. Mama is thirsty, and nobody is
gonna endanger her man like that.
JoJo: Did you say
you were going to beat the shit out of Jordan today?
Chad: I mean, that’s
not something that I didn’t say…
And with that, the magnetic rose is upon Alex’s lapel and Chad
is left in the forest alone, Olivia style. But wait, he’s actually not left
alone because he found his way back to the house where the men are staying with
absolutely no help from producers whatsoever.
Oh my gosh I just realized I forgot to mention that disgusting
exchange between JoJo and Robby. I could’ve gone back to the paragraph about
the sports date and written it in sequential order but I think it’s important
for you to know that I legit forgot about it slash expunged it from my mind
because it was so offensive. He’s slimy. Something isn’t right with that one, and
as they were sitting there making out on the pool table, I found myself turning
away from the TV in disgust. Bleh.
Until next time....
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