Everybody….rock your body….Bachelor’s back…alright!
So let’s start at the top. What do we know? We know Nick has 300
siblings and a mom who never smiles, only cries. We know Nick had sex with Andi
and Kaitlyn and America hated it, but then he stood up to a bully on BIP and
now America loves him. And we also know he still wears a messenger bag.
Nick’s hometown seems like a nice enough place to be. There’s
plenty of outdoor space to run and do pushups and the staff at the grocery store
are especially friendly.
BTW That woman in the supermarket is all of us.
Now
it’s time to meet up with former Bachelors so they can talk about how
completely awful Nick is to his face. Ben looks more like a soccer dad than
ever—if that’s even possible?—and Sean is even smexier than I remember. And Chris…well…Chris could literally sweat through a wool
sweater while being completely stationary. Nobody offers any advice other than be
yourself and don’t be an asshole. That’s pretty much what Bella said and I bet
you she didn’t get paid to be on the episode.
Let’s get to the mansion, shall we? Nick and his polka dot tie
can get it. I was never super into him before but the facial hair is giving me
all the feels. Chris Harrison comes to greet him like his long lost son and I’m
sure they had a really nice chat but I tuned all of it out because he was
wearing black and navy blue together. Whoever said black and navy blue go
together is seriously disturbed.
Let’s meet this year’s crop of ladies, shall we?
Danielle the nail salon owner is gorgeous and does an amazing job
hiding her clip-ins. She definitely has the potential to go far although in every
shot I’ve seen of her so far she seems to be scantily clad. Don’t get me wrong;
I have boobs and I know how to use them. But there’s a time and place.
I think we can all agree we would never let Josephine anywhere
near us with a needle. Or just anywhere near us. I never thought I’d be against
a girl who brought a hot dog as her gimmick but today is the day, people.
Little Raven the boutique owner is sweet and hopefully sticks
around because she seems like she has a good heart. All she wanted to do was be
friends with the shark-dolphin.
Corrine makes me annoyed because that was my name in high school
French class and she’s ruining it for me. I have to wonder whether she knows
how spoiled and ridiculous she looks and sounds. Either way, she’s spoiled and
ridiculous. And blonde, so good luck.
Liz the MOH reminds me of a lovechild between Danielle Monaro
and Shiri Appleby. She’s beautiful, not a size 2 and seems sweet enough.
However, she wouldn’t give Nick her phone number when he asked for it. I’m
sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you say?
Rachel the lawyer and eventual bearer of the first impression
rose is smart and very intense. Jade also wanted me to let you all know her
weave is busted.
Taylor the mental health counselor spent her time talking about
her friends and how much they hate Nick so that’s promising.
That girl Lauren’s disgusting slut joke was not lost on me.
Dominique got out of the limo and I want everyone to know Evelyn
let out a HUGE fart when she was on screen so I think it's safe to say she's
not going far.
I’ve had like four people text me about how much they like
Vanessa already and I hate when this happens but I find her extremely annoying.
I can’t quite put my finger on it—maybe it was the vintage 2004 prom dress from
the DEB that she wore to the premiere—but I am not super convinced yet. Nick
was, though. He was into it.
You had one minute and you chose beard massage? I don’t even
remember your name. Neither does he.
The camel girl is all of us after 4 glasses of wine.
Also, ironically, nobody was rude about the camel and in
fact were envious that they didn’t think about bringing a camel themselves. How
could you overlook such an obvious tactic?
And then there’s Alexis the dolphinshark. Was she wasted when
she walked in? Will she be as entertaining next week in regular clothes? Were
the people of New Jersey embarrassed or supportive of this year’s tribute? Only
time will tell. I appreciate her commitment to the dolphins, however I wonder
if she’s even seen one because that was very clearly a shark costume ABC
borrowed from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance.
It's always fun for me when my guy friends pick out the girls
they think are attractive based on the original photos, especially when they
turn out crazy. One year, my friend Adam picked out crazy Jamie from Ben
Flajnik’s season (see also, lap dance). This year’s hilarity comes from my
friend Mason who picked out Christen and her yellow fan and red lips. Happy to
send her your way, bud.
It felt like these limo exits took a full calendar year,
amiright? Luckily, I think we can sum up the most important points from the
rest of the episode rather quickly.
Have you ever seen the movie, The Woman in Black?
...You have now.
Corrine is a spoiled brat who voluntarily showed her nanny in
her intro and—arguably more offensively—referred to sliced cucumbers as a
snack. She will be around just long enough to irritate America and then Nick
will cut her loose. I give her week 5, max.
The Liz situation is touchy. She seems to be a nice enough girl
and obviously very pretty but her timing is poor. We all know how easily
bruised a man’s ego can get and denying him your phone number once only to reappear
when he’s achieved fame—only to later deny that’s why you came—is not helping
your case at all. He has 29 other ladies vying for his attention; why would he
give this another shot (see also: ratings)? Liz also clearly cannot keep the
info to herself because in the season preview we see her telling Christen by
the pool about it and we know Christen can’t be around that long so it must be coming up soon. Can’t. Wait.
Nick is much funnier and dare I say normal than I would’ve imagined. I actually giggled out loud when
he told Alexis she couldn’t take off her shark costume or he’d send her home. I
think I’ll enjoy watching him this season.
I don’t think this will be a very dramatic season, mostly
because Chris Harrison didn’t say the word dramatic once this whole episode.
The season preview seems mild at best, only highlighting Corrine jumping on a
trampoline in a bikini and Liz’s sex revelation as the most exciting tidbits.
They actually seem like a nice group of girls, at least so far? Famous last
words?
So I guess it’s time for me to name my top five and my dark horses
as I always do after the premiere:
Danielle the nurse, Danielle the boobs nail salon owner,
Vanessa, Rachel, Whitney
Dark Horses: Brittany, Elizabeth (Whitney is kind of a dark
horse too because she didn’t speak at all but I felt like he gave her the
up-down).
Who do YOU like?
xoxo
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