Bachelor Nick- Week 2

Ah, the glorious stench of week two, where women you once loved now repulse you and there’s at least three women you don’t remember from night one floating around. I’m looking at you, Hailey.

Knowing full well that these women got, like, zero hours of sleep after the rose ceremony that ended at 7 a.m., I’m amazed to see them and their clip ins up and ready at such an early hour. Chris Harrison comes in to deliver his one line for the episode and remind the women that Nick really wanted to get rid of more of you but the network wouldn’t allow it and not everybody is getting a date this week.

HOT GROUP DATE

I think Nick very clearly put the women he was the most physically attracted to from night one on this date. The hotties run outside to pile into their sky blue Buick convertibles and Josephine is close behind, waving frantically as if it is the first day of kindergarten.

Doing a photo shoot on the group date is like the Bachelor and ANTM had a baby and I am here for it. Surprisingly, most of the women are owning their busted dresses and enjoying the chance to pose in front of a carnation arch. But I think we all know the best thing about this date was the photographer and his tropical romper. Is he available for birthdays? Because mine is coming up.

Real Talk: Do I even need to say it? Corrine is awful. She’s selfish, childish and so out-of-touch with reality. She won’t be around long and as an avid Bach-watcher I’d be willing to put my other hand on that fact. Nick has been around this block several times and he knows that putting up with BS like Corrine is not going to help him on his redemption tour. She won the photo challenge to cause drama, not because Nick wanted to give it to her. Nick can’t hide his emotions, and while he may be physically attracted to her, dumbass really isn’t his style. ABC wants him to be well-liked and respected. Corrine doesn’t fit that storyline, so she will not be the victor. The end.

In the meantime, I’m going to need well-educated ladies like Taylor to not let her get to you and to just enjoy yourself the way Alexis and her boob cupcakes are. #selfsufficient

How much has everyone had to drink on this group date? Nothing, because Corrine clearly drank it ALL. She steals Nick first to chat, and they have their first serious conversation of the night.

Corrine: How are you feeling?

Nick: I’m good.

Corrine: Yeah, me too. I feel things really strongly. Like if I like you, it’s like wow, I like you, yanno?

This is about the same awkward pose
I would've had for my headshot

Corrine returns to the group to tell them all about their intellectual conversation and after about ten minutes goes back for seconds. She interrupts Alexis who contemplated punching her in the face but walked away instead. I really wanted to see Alexis throw down, tbh. Instead, we get a little squabble between Taylor and drunk Corrine on the couch about both of them interrupting each other. But you know what? As long as there’s no situation about the situation, we’re okay.

Soft-spoken Danielle gets the first one-on-one and it’s like what are you doing on this show you normal sweet human. She is perfectly gangly and awkward and her curls don’t exactly fall right and this makes her the winner of the episode and of my heart. At dinner, she tells Nick about how she found her fiancée after a drug overdose and she didn’t even know he did drugs. Does this seem odd to anybody else because she’s, like, a nurse? Whatever. She gets the rose.

ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS DATE

 Nick takes the ladies to a breakup museum and all I can think of is somebody actually paid money to fund such a place. You could’ve donated money to cancer research, meals on wheels, my college debt- literally anything besides a breakup museum.

Anyway, the women have to fake break up with Nick in front of each other. It’s pretty uncomfortable for everyone involved but nobody does uncomfortable better than Liz. Sensing her fifteen minutes of fame is fleeting, Liz reads a short excerpt from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and Nick looks at every tree behind her head to avoid eye contact. Nobody says anything afterwards, like the time Joe in my office told all of us he voted for Trump.

Now the paranoia sets in for Nick as he spends the evening portion of the date wondering who—if any—of the women know about his sexcapades with Liz. He plants seeds with all of them as they talk but nobody bites until he meets with Christen, who lets it slip that she knows how big he is what happened at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Nick is obviously surprised that Liz shared this info, but he’s also clearly thinking, “You chose Christen out of everybody?”

                                                   Must’ve been the cheetah headband.

Nick decides it’s time to talk it out with Liz and she makes about as much sense as drunk Corrine trying to explain why she didn’t take his number and why she didn’t call him over the last nine months. There’s really no good answer to that question besides, “I was in a coma,” so we all knew this conversation was going to end with Liz in the elevator. See you on paradise? Maybe?

Nick walks away to tell the remaining women about his history with Liz—liztory? Do we like that?—and we get stuck with the first rose-less episode of the season. Who will care? Who will cry? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

A FEW TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE

Production could have probably dragged this Liz thing out for a few more weeks but they didn’t. Either they were pleased enough with the antics of bat-shit-Corrine or Nick really just didn’t want her around. I think it’s probably a combination of both mixed with ABCs continued effort to make Nick seem like a reformed bad boy. “Liz was my past and I’m looking for a future.” I can see it already…

Also, I wanted to point out that Raven says what all of us are thinking and for that she will sadly get the boot eventually. I know I’m not the only person who caught Nick saying that she had an attractive PERSONALITY and nothing else. Nail? Meet coffin. But Bachelor gods please let Raven stick around for a little while. We need her to keep it real.

xoxo