Bachelor Chris - Week 3

The Bachelor franchise is nothing if not formulaic, something that we have come to know and love each season. Love it, hate it, or love-to-hate it, you know what you're getting yourself into every Monday night. Every bit of casting, editing and teasing for next week is calculated so perfectly that even when you're sick to your stomach and cursing your TV to hell at 9:59, somehow you've forgotten entirely by next Monday and subject yourself to yet another two hours of torture. Sort of like when I eat Alfredo sauce. Never ends up well, but I keep on doin' it.

This week follows the usual pattern of week 3s past as we see more breakdowns, more nudity & less intelligence. At this point, the smart women are keeping quiet and the dumb women, well, they've really made a showing for themselves so far. But before we get to the hot tub disaster, let's take a moment and give a round of applause to Jimmy Kimmel, who made this episode arguably the funniest episode of the Bachelor yet.

I watched Jimmy Kimmel and Kaley Cuoco talk about the Bachelor on his show recently and Jimmy Kimmel said Chris had MAYBE been asleep for an hour when he woke him up. Poor guy. Can you imagine sending drunk Tara AND drunk Jordan home in the same night and then wake up to a man's face an hour later? Talk  about getting a glimpse into the life of the Bachelor. No wonder he's keeping the crazies around; the poor guy is sleep deprived.

I can't quite pinpoint what I find so abhorrent about Kaitlyn, but it is one of those natural and instant loathings, similar to how I feel about Kirsten Dunst. Can't pinpoint that one either, but man have I hated her since she threw Winona Ryder's manuscript in the fire in Little Women. Anyway, as much as I don't enjoy Kaitlyn, I'm sort of relieved that she was chosen for the Jimmy date because there was somebody else there for me to pay attention to. Without Jimmy, this date would've just been them kissing in various backyard locations. At least now they paused long enough to push the steaks around on their plates.

I don't understand the crop top choice for a date. I'm okay with the Taylor Swift crop, a.k.a. high waisted skirt and a crop top, but a low-rise skirt, sorry, a low-rise MAXI skirt and midriff-bearing crop top in broad daylight is just too much. I understand it's way warmer in California than Canada so maybe she was confused. Maybe that's where the flannel tied around her waist comes in.

"I don't know ANYONE who could've handled a date like this besides Kaitlyn." You mean you don't know anyone else who grocery shops? With someone else's credit card? Save that line for a repelling-down-a-building date. Not for f*@$%&# Costco.

Kaitlyn quote of the week: "It felt like a real night. He was seasoning the steaks and I was pouring the bourbon." Definitely a normal night.

 I don't think Jimmy really got a great vibe from Kaitlyn. She's very blunt and very sarcastic, which Chris seems to like. But as Jade would say, Jimmy be knowin'. It's physical and quite obviously that's all it is for now. Some Bachelors in the past have let their nether regions get the best of them in determining their victor. But, although he's not showing it now, I think Chris is smarter than that and once some of the glitter has worn off he will  eliminate some of these overly sexual women with whom he doesn't have a genuine connection. "She's fun" normally doesn't equate to "she's mom material," at least not in 8 weeks' time. Sorry, K. So glad she got a stupid date because sassies like her are a dime a dozen, just like cereal at Costco.

Side note: AshLee Frazier tweeted she likes Kaitlyn because she isn't a robot. Like anyone read that and didn't immediately make a comment about AshLee being the most robotic cast member IN BACHELOR HISTORY. Sorry, I had to.

Group date!

Another farm date? You don't say. It's a race date again, too. Either ABC didn't have faith in these girls to be interesting on their own or Chris really wants them to be competitive. Or they're just really itching for a lawsuit from PETA.

A milk drinking challenge? Count me in. You knew up front that JIllian and her ever-present

ass were going to be all over this, but I certainly never expected little Carly to reign victorious. And what did she get? A 5 minute photoshoot. After Cleopatra got an hour of alone time for driving a tractor 20 feet? Give me a break.

Around this time, I assume Chris knows of a few of the women still hanging around that he will never ever bring home to mom. Others are shoe-ins for the next rose ceremony. And the rest who he might be on the fence about? Well they say things like, "Do you wanna dance with me? We can make our own music...let's pretend it's our wedding." Subtle.

Meanwhile, one third of the dumbest Bachelor girl clique ever to exist (in this instance, Mackenzie) is wondering why Chris is kissing other girls besides her. Um, well seeing as you have a child I would think you of all people would know how this works. Chris responded by not really responding which I SWORE would seal her fate. Sadly, she remains.

FINALLY! Becca gets some airtime. Southern, pretty with and without makeup, laid back. I think that's the kind of woman Chris will end up with. She gets bonus points for pointing out the setup for the kiss. "I know we're on a rooftop and there's twinkly lights and we're all alone but...no goodies for you." Go girl. That's how you get to week 5.

Whitney time. I know, I know. Her voice. But she can't help that and otherwise I like everything about her. Guys, she actually shed a tear when she got a date card. That'd be me! Shit, that'll be me when it comes in text form.

I don't know what they had planned for Whitney & Chris' date before she suggested they crash the wedding. I want to believe that it was unscripted, but it would be a long shot for the Bachelor, no matter how intently they tried to make the footage seem like it was taken from a far distance or with an iPhone. Chris is a pretty bad liar, as well as a horrendous speech-giver, so when mid-conversation he stops to ask about the group of people gathered under a distant tree, it begs the question of spontaneity. Although, if it was a lie, good for Chris for pretending to check with the producer, who may as well have been sitting on the same couch.

Was Neil lane on call to give out a ring? This would be the best date in Bachelor history if Whitney wins and Chris uses the same ring to propose on some tropical island in a few weeks. Just sayin'.

Okay so back to the date. I think it this point it's safe to say that Chris is better off talking about corn than anything else, so it's a good thing Whitney is a little bit better of a liar than he is. Note to self: when crashing a wedding, perhaps don't start by talking to the wedding party or mother of the bride.  Anyone else catch that man staring when they were slow dancing? No way he didn't know he was being filmed.

Here's my dissection of what's going on here. Chris is a nice guy, a polite guy, a wholesome guy. But, he's a guy. If attractive women are throwing themselves at him, I can't really be surprised that he is allowing himself to enjoy it. But eventually he will get rid of those women. I think he will see through the smoke and mirrors and in a few weeks we will see the criers and the skanks be weeded out. And that means Whitney will be on the right side of things.

The Bachelor medic was likely out of saline and stomach pumps after the last two rose ceremonies, so they conveniently hosted an alcohol-free afternoon pool party this week. Upon the announcement, everybody was a little unsure about missing the evening soirée, but nothing was more upsetting to the women than finding out they only had an hour to get ready. HOW WILL I ACHIEVE MY NO MAKEUP MAKEUP LOOK?

Juelia wants to tell Chris about her husband and I am digging my nails into my leg hoping she holds off until a better time. Not that there's ever a perfect time to drop a bomb like that, but a sunny pool party seems like quite the opposite. She does it and at least it's out in the open, but man was it uncomfortable.

Jade decided it was time to get some alone time so she packed up her kimono and headed down the hill to Chris' house in her white strappy shoes. She then gushed about the amazing conversations they had, but I guess that got edited out for time purposes.

Chris ends up in the hot tub with Jillian and just as they get into a really intense conversation about dumbbells, the three amigos come stumbling down the hill to request one-on-one time. Jillian, however, is not having it and decides that instead she will clutch his inner thigh. Ashely I. storms back up the hill and hides in the house somewhere. Mackenzie wobbles back to the mansion living room and tells all the women what happened. No one is concerned. And Megan is probably still down in that hot tub as we speak.

Showing his true gentlemen colors, Chris eventually came up the hill to find Ashley I. "Hey,

has anyone seen-"I'M RIGHT HERE!" She came flying out stage left like a bat out of hell and dragged him to the roof where she later tried to assault him by way of rolling off the ledge. She couldn't get a hold of her emotions and ugly cried like somebody told her she couldn't wear white gold hoops. She also talked about Jillian. And then tried to mount him. All in a day's work.

Rose ceremony.

The amazing jar can now pay off my student loans and Chris, Chris and Jimmy are ready for a few heads to roll. In the end, Trina and her side pony, Amber and her salty mouth and somebody named Tracy went home. Ashley S. is still there and staring off into the Mesa Verde and Ashley I. is still around after being called last, even though she told Chris that she "Would very much appreciate you calling my name at the beginning." And the lighting crew would very much appreciate you not wearing that much highlighter next week.

xoxo

Bachelor Chris - Week 2

Another week, another 90 minutes of oohing, ahhing, crying, cackling and shade-throwing. This episode was a real tear-jerker, but certainly not because of the discussions of parenthood or suicide as one might've guessed. Instead, I found myself crying with laughter at some of the ridiculous antics of this cast. And I do mean cast because this group has been hand selected to bring the drama. I guess it's all in a day's work when you have nothing better to do but sit in a mansion and share your feeling with each other.

I don't like Kaitlyn. I think I said it last week but let the record show that on this, the 12th day of January in the year 2015,  I have stated my disdain for Kaitlyn. I'll be sure to keep up with my Kaitlin quote of the week segment, but just know I think she sucks. I felt like that needed to be shared up front.

Kimberly wants a second shot. A fair question to ask, and better ask it on night/morning one

before he ACTUALLY gets to know you and can answer with a resounding, "NO." Chris doesn't know what to say, so naturally he consults Chris Harrison.

"This is your life. There are no rules..."  A.K.A. Please do this for ratings and I'll pray she's the one. What a great addition to my memoir..."

In what world is Chris Harrison going to encourage you to do the less dramatic option? Meanwhile, they leave Kimberly in the driveway with the crew, who is more than likely prodding her with questions. Also, this would probably go better if you weren't crying, but I assume you're coming down from a nasty champagne drunk seeing as it is 7 a.m. at this point and you haven't slept in over 24 hours.

She stays. Shade is thrown.

Immediately cut to the queen of NJ (and possibly the Nile based on her later outfit choice). "I don't like this." And I don't like ANYTHING about you. Except maybe the delicious greek restaurant in your hometown. Seriously, when my leg heals, can we go to OPA to celebrate? Julie?

Chris Harrison has gathered the ladies in the living room to discuss the week's dates. Who is the poor soul sitting on the pillow on the floor? Did anybody catch it? Rewind to it. You won't be disappointed. Legit all of them managed to squeeze on the couch. All but one.

Group date. Shade is thrown.

I'm not sure for what season or adventure a zip up with no shirt underneath is appropriate but I guess a scantily clad tractor race is as good an option as any. Cleopatra wins the tractor race and gets to spend ten minutes atop Chris' lap as her reward. During her alone time, she discusses the weather and how the tractors were slow. Excellent choice.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

Gym rat and Megan "sneak over" with 500 cameras to Chris' mansion next door.

 Gym rat apparently has a butt and vag  that cannot be contained by a bathing suit bottom and needed to be covered up by ABC. Yikes. Megan rams her head into everything and gym rat sits on the motorcycle being stored in the living room of this mansion. They run up the hill and back to the bigger mansion.

ABC must've decided to get the sad stuff out of the way early on this season as they immediately cut to the depressing suicide conversation in the kitchen with Juelia. She is this season's Cassandra. You know, the one who drove in the water car with Juan Pablo and was a mom and all the women consoled her when she cried? I would've cried, too, Cassandra. Juan Pablo was awful.

Chris decides he wants more time with one woman at the end of this tractor date. When they read out the date card, I immediately thought Chris was following what I think MY mentality would be as the bachelorette. Use the first group date to take the outliers somewhere and let them show their true colors. I thought everybody was a little on the outside of this one; drunk Tara, Tandra because her name, overalls McGee, cleopatra and her flannel tied around her waist. It seemed pretty clear what Chris was doing until....he opted for more time with MACKENZIE. If there was one person I would've assumed was a pity rose from week one and definitely gone in week two, it was mermaid on ice Mackenzie. This was shocking to me.

"I'm so nervous right now. I'm  insecure." Well perhaps overalls and giant topaz earrings weren't the way to start a national broadcast.

Meanwhile, Tara, who may moonlight as the hulk, looks like she may need to pick up a tractor and throw it. Reasonable Jade is trying to make sense of it all and these other women seem genuinely pissed. I like Jade. She does her own thing, and I think he will like that. Once he's done talking about aliens with Mackenzie.

"You want to know why I haven't been going on dates?" Perhaps because you insult people's facial features upon first conversation. "It's so hard for me to say this... "I have a kid." Luckily, Chris isn't phased. Kids don't scare me...except possibly you. How old ARE you, anyway?

Let's end the night the romantic way...by dancing to no music at all in front of the women's bathroom.

The next morning Mackenzie decides to tell everyone exactly how many times Chris kissed her and how the stars were positioned when it happened. Trina has not yet mastered styling both sides of her hair yet as she's still rocking the side pony, but we'll work on it, girl!

Megan gets the one-on-one and no one is more shocked than Megan, mostly because she thought it was a love note and not an invitation.

This date was the first of many helicopter rides. The view was pretty, and different from a lot of the bachelor dates to tropical locations. Still, I couldn't get over the dirty river. Augustus Gloop may have popped out at any time. Another sad story about a death followed by that awesome Subaru commercial with dogs. Then Chris pulled out a rose from a backpack and Megan about rolled back into the grand canyon. She's clearly never seen this show. It's official.

The haunted date is right up my alley. I think I would've really liked shooting the zombies! However,
Jade, who was sitting on the couch next to me, would respectfully decline that date. "Where is my holy oil?! Oh no!"

Ashley S. did not go through casting and fool everybody. This was a known fact and done purposefully. Kaitlyn did try to shed some light on the situation by ensuring that she was not an actor and was in fact really a nutjob, but I smell something fishy. And I can't even smell!

Twerk team captain Jordan is drunk and going on about gym rat's hairy ass crack. First of all, how did you even get close enough to another human to see such a thing? Also, your credibility is low. Lower than gym rat, and that's saying something.

Kaitlyn quote of the week: "She didn't hide that at all. She was like, 'I'M HERE! I'M CRAZY!"

If you start one-on-one time with, "Don't worry," I'm inclined to worry more than usual. Chris is trying so hard not to laugh at Ashley, but she isn't even completing sentences at this point. She decides it's time to get some rest so she exits stage left via army crawl.

Britt knows what's up. She tells him she's not worried and basically that what's meant to happen will. Then Chris ate her face for a bit. He's into her. That much is clear. But sadly those initial flames tend to burn out on this show. Because other ladies are hanging back and waiting to shine. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Whitney is a smart girl. She isn't rude to the others. Says things like, "You had some hard choices to make," or, "you've got great girls here."  Make your own date if you don't get one. BOOM. Slow and steady wins this race fo' sho'.

Ashley I. has transformed into Cleopatra and she is insisting on Chris rubbing her belly

button ring and making a wish. But only if that wish is to make out with her. Yikes.

Twerk team captain is chasing Amber around after her brief makeout sesh with Chris. He's kissed at least 5 girls by the second rose ceremony; Mackenzie, Cleopatra, Britt, Megan and now Amber. Trina is throwing shade everywhere and that girl Becca still hasn't really gotten any airtime. She's adorable! More Becca!

Ashley S. has to be an ABC ploy for ratings and rightfully so, because even if it is semi-scripted, she does make me chuckle. Kimberly gets the boot a second time and no one is surprised besides Kimberly. Tara has proved that she's is a mess both sober and drunk as she cries painfully in the driveway. Don't worry; the flight attendant will sit with you on the way home. She probably can't fly without an adult, anyway.

Who is Samantha?

I think at this point, there's a few women who have made a big splash early on. Generally, unless you're idiotic Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson or Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, the big splashers don't win. It's the slow burns. There's also always one or two women who end up in the final 7 or 8 who you sort of forgot were there. There's a ton of women left who haven't had any airtime. I have to imagine that the adorable karaoke singer and the former nfl cheerleader are gonna get noticed at some point!

Until next time...

xoxo,

Amanda

Bachelor Chris : Premiere

Happy New Year, bachelor fans!

Each year, we are fortunate enough to witness three bachelor franchise masterpieces in the form of the bachelor, bachelorette and bachelor in paradise. Unfortunately, the 2014 bachelor cycle was lackluster at best. The Juan Pablo gamble did not  really pay off for ABC as they had hoped, Andi's season of the bachelorette had the lowest ratings in bachelor franchise history, & Bachelor in Paradise was, well, you get the picture. Basically, 2014 was a wash. Darn.

Luckily, ABC was given quite the gift when Chris Soules ended up on Andi's season, emerging early on as the obvious choice for the next Bachelor. After a few unsuccessful risks these last few years (annoying Bachelorette Ashley, unconventional and belittling Ben Flajnik, unemotional Juan Pablo), ABC is going with the foolproof all-American theme that has worked so well for them in the past. By the preview, this season has the potential to be either as colorful and animated as Sean's cast or to follow suit of 2014 and fall flat. Only time will tell.

The live premiere was a waste of time and a joke. Chris Harrison squandered an hour interviewing the bachelor couples who still exist while the B-list Bachelor castaways floated about in the background. Also, that horrendous conversation with Nikki was like nails on a chalkboard. Clearly, Chris Harrison is still bitter about the after the final rose fiasco with Juan Pablo. He so desperately wanted Nikki to say that Juan Pablo was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad person, but she was having none of it. Instead, she spent those painful 7 minutes fixing her hair and saying "um." I would've much rather spent the hour learning more about the 30 women form this season than watch Elise follow Dylan around the red carpet. Give it up, girl!

My initial reaction to the premiere was that they spent so much time worrying about onlyhalf of the women arriving at a time, they didn't really give us time to learn much about them individually. We did, of course, have a few of the usual suspects; the token black girl, the drunk, the girl who shows up with an embarrassing prop and the single mom. No obvious villains to speak of just yet, but I'm sure one or more will appear eventually.
Whitney's (who we shall refer to ass baby maker) voice is a tad annoying at first, but I do think she's really pretty and hopefully the high voice is just the way she acts when she's overly excited. She seems like she has some southern charm, though I think she said she's from Chicago. Amandas on this show are always crazy. There have only been a few but they never make it far. Clearly, this was no exception. Amanda, or Esmeralda as I will be referring to her due to the gypsy crop top she was sporting, thought it best to list her disdain for cooking, cleaning and paying her own bills as her shining attributes on night one. I can't imagine why she didn't get a rose.

Flight attendant Alyssa is maybe, MAYBE 16 years old. The girl who brought the fake heart was likely coerced into doing so by ABC, but nonetheless it was awkward and off-putting. Mackenzie, the single mother, seems kind of childish. Maybe it was just her Little Mermaid on Ice costume, but I didn't get a ready-to-settle-down vibe.



Crazy Ashley, who will henceforth be known as Alice in Wonderland, didn't blink the entire episode. I'd  like to say it was the alcohol that got to her, but sadly she was like that when she got out of the limo.


Speaking of crazy, I think a fun game this season will be to keep track of Kaitlyn's one-liners each episode. So far we have the infamous, "You can plow my field anytime," or, "Sometimes when I tell a joke, people laugh."I think he likes the widow because she looks like Andi a little. Also, she looks like Chelsea Kane from Disney channel.

Trina, aka side pony, is going to be this season's gossip and pot-stirrer. I can tell already. She was always hiding in the bushes watching the limos arrive or interrogating women as they came to sit down on the couches. She wants to be in the know. That's probably why she left her one ear exposed with the side pony; the better to hear you with, my dear.

Meanwhile, back in front of the live audio audience, Chris Harrison is interviewing a gaggle of sturdy Iowa farm ladies. Jade and I were about 10 seconds into bashing them and their matching hairstyles before my mom reminded me they all are married already. Shit. Still, the one had on almost a black lip & looked like she runs an Iowa fight club.

Perhaps they will ask Tara to join. She is this year's token drunk contestant, and, just like Craig last season, was able to squeeze by to the next week somehow. She seemed to have a cool vibe about her at first (what with the costume change and all) but as she continued to drink Jamison out of a porcelain mug, things started to go progressively downhill.
Meanwhile outside, Alice in Wonderland is having a meaningless conversation with Chris about...I'm not exactly sure. Some girl, maybe Megan, walked up and said, "Where is this conversation going?" Why aren't there more Megans around?

Obviously, he and Britt have a connection and she's cute and obviously very sweet. However, I won't put too many of my eggs in her basket because as we know, the ones they focus on the first week aren't usually the ones who make it to the end.
Later on, bachelor Chris is struggling with his decision to keep Tara or not as she wobbles all over the top step during the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison seems to be calmly trying to coerce him into keeping her, because who else is gonna get them  ratings? In the end, Chris obliges and gives Tara the rose.
Plus size, gym rat and baby maker are in the back there throwing shade. Esmeralda looks shocked but, then again, she always kind of looks like that. Eventually, his roses have been given and the rejected women saunter out into the front yard where the SUN IS SHINING because this ordeal had taken a full 12 hours.

This premiere wasn't all that exciting, but apparently a camping trip gone awry is going to add some spice to this season. I'm hoping as time goes on that these women get more interesting, because right now they all seem to be ready for french braiding and a sleepover.
xoxo,
Amanda

Celebrity Color Wheel

Recently, Pinterest has been added to the list of "Things I do instead of what I should be doing." Behind cupcakes, the women's apparel section of Pinterest is where I spend most of my screen time. Seeing so many celebrity-inspired fashion choices influenced me to write this blog post about the celebrity color wheel.

Whenever I am feeling bold or interested in rocking a new color, I turn to my good friend google and see how the celebs do it. 99% of celebs have a professional style them before they hit the red carpet, so they aren't likely to show up on google looking a mess. I take from these photos the dos and don'ts of pairing colors and patterns together, makeup choices and of course, hairstyles.

There are particular celebrities that come to mind when I think of certain colors. Below are the people who are the most iconic in my mind!

1. HOT PINK- Blake Lively
Though this girl drives me to drink every Monday on Gossip Girl, I can't deny that her style choices are impeccable. I read somewhere recently that she doesn't use a stylist. Exsqueeze me? Good for you girl. This neon pink dress is outstanding.

2. YELLOW - Carrie Underwood

I love everything about Carrie Underwood from her killer pipes to her cute little dog. I will never be tan enough to wear yellow confidently, so when I see others doing it well, I feel it necessary to applaud them.



3. LAVENDER- Natalie Portman
This chick was less-than-friendly when I met her last year, but I still give her props for this awesome light purple number.





4. NAVY- Hilary Swank
Business in the front, party in the back.



5. PEACH - Emma Stone
Even though she blends in with the color, her bright hair is so striking! I love that you have to look twice at it to really see what's going on.


                                       

6. GOLD - Kristin Cavallari
Love gold with bright hair. Always looks good. In my case, only if you have a mystic tan nearby.

7. GREEN - Beyonce
I love love love the green against her dark skin. Bright green is hard to pull off!



                            

8. RED - Reese Witherspoon
I think blondes look the best in a bright red and she is no exception. Love her.






9. BLACK - Angelina Jolie

This one takes the cake for me. I love the pairing with the green earrings. I think it's so easy to do. I should do it more often! 

Nail Salon Woes

For those of you out there who have experienced the craziness that is a nail salon, you know that what is supposed to be a pampering experience can often feel like a deleted scene from Mean Girls. Because my nails look 100 times nicer when someone else does them, I allow myself to go through the stress every few weeks in order to keep up with looking like a professional adult (or at least faking it). However, I keep mental notes of the hilarity and have decided to share my findings because I know I can’t be the only one who notices the following. 

1. You better know what color you want before you get out of the car- Nowadays, I walk in there knowing a general idea of what color I want because I have learned that if you spend more than 30-45 seconds at the nail polish rack, it is considered a crime. They have something like eight thousand choices, not ordered by color might I add, for your eyes to browse. Even if you thought you wanted a bright red, your eye might catch a nice mauve that sparks your interest. While it isn’t a life-or-death decision, if I’m going to spend $30 on a manicure that is supposed to last for two weeks, I want to pick a color that isn’t going to disgust me in 48 hours. While you’re making your choice, you feel the eye behind you. “Are you ready?” You politely say, “I just need to pick out a color. I will be right there.” Nine to eleven seconds later she is back, asking you again if you are ready. You feel bad saying no, because you are making her wait. Now you start to feel rushed. Panic sets in. There are so many choices. Do I go for something classic or do something trendy? What will go with all of my outfits? So, now that you need your inhaler, you most likely do one of two things: You either pick up the bottle closest to you at eye level, regardless of the color, or you say, “I think I’ll just do French.”

2. If you don’t want a pedicure, come prepared with a power point presentation as to why- Though I consider myself to be quick on my feet, I am not a liar by nature. This all goes out the window when I go to the nail salon, though. No matter what you come in for, be it a refill, a gel manicure or a simple eyebrow wax, they will almost always ask you if you want something else. When you say no, you had better have a reason, because the laser beams that will be shot in your direction are piercing. Sometimes you have to lie to get yourself out of an awkward situation in life; the nail salon is one of these situations. If I get acrylics, they often leave them at a disgustingly long length. I will ask them to file them down, then some more, then some more until finally I lie and say, “Yeah, I need them shorter than this because I play piano.” Then they nod their heads in understanding and file away.

3. Nail pimp- There is often some sort of older man who is the greeter and works the register. He is the one who distributes the clients to the nail artists. Once in a blue moon, he will hop on a station and file a nail or two, but it is a rare and special occasion. Like a celebrity shot in beer pong.

4. Shit-talking is obvious in any language- I don’t need to know what you’re saying to know that you’re pissed off or don’t like someone. I pay close attention when people come into the salon and gauge the reactions of the salon workers. Sometimes you get a lady who will say, “Hi! Can I help you?” followed by something sputtered under her breath in her native tongue that is met by laughter and chatter by the other workers. Translation: “Hi! Can I help you? (I really freaking hate this woman. She always talks about her grandkids.”) Or one I see a lot is when someone comes in and the greeter (mentioned in #3) assigns a nail artist to a client and they are noticeably pissed about it because she and a friend were sitting by the waxing station laughing about something and now she has to get up.

5. Day care- There is almost always a child with a Gameboy sitting at a vacant pedicure station.

6. Don’t be disabled; it confuses them- Whenever I go to a new salon or get a new manicurist, there is some sort of confusion as to a.) What happened to my hand and b.) What kind of discount they will be forced to give me. It almost always results in a crowd of manicurists around the station where I am seated, all talking quickly and throwing out what I assume are numbers as they try to decide on a price. They will smile at you as they do it, as if there is any other reason that the fourteen of you are all leaning over me right now.

V-Day (Or Should I say D-Day...)

Now that the holiday season has come to a close, the other lesser holidays are welcome to grace the shelves of CVS’ everywhere and have their 15 minutes of fame. The current flavor of the month is Valentine’s Day, a holiday (like many celebrated in the U.S.) that is so far removed from its origins it may as well find itself a new name. For those of you who don’t know, Valentine’s Day is named for St. Valentinus, a priest who tried to convert the Roman Emperor to Christianity and was stoned to death. If that doesn’t scream romance, I don’t know what does.

Valentine’s Day usually generates a sense of annoyance within me (most likely due to my perpetual single-ness) but this year I am turning over a new leaf. I’ve decided that my usual protocol of wearing all black in protest of the holiday and the inordinate amounts of sugar I am likely to consume just wasn’t cutting it. Today, I am sporting red under my black suit, meeting my old self and the receptionist in my office halfway between funeral and heart pattern overkill.

I have decided that if Russell Stover and Hallmark reserve the right to concoct their own versions of the meaning on Valentine’s Day, then I should do the same. So many of the holidays are dictated by the people you have (or don’t have) in your life. Christmas wouldn’t be quite as magical if there weren’t children running around believing in the best-kept secret on earth. Thanksgiving is often depicted as a long rectangular table overflowing with carbohydrates and at least a dozen rosy-cheeked white people smiling in adoration of one another. Valentine’s Day is no different; commercials and cards alike insinuate that being single is so last season and if you don’t have a boo come February 14, you are out. Auf wiedersehen.

But what if you don’t have children or your own version of Madea’s Family reunion? Do Christmas and Thanksgiving mean less to you? Of course not, because you understand that under all the glitz and glam (and weight gain) those holidays are about being thankful and spreading joy. So, my resolution this year is to spread the love of Valentine’s Day around the campus of Montclair State University and—by means of my social networking systems—to all of my friends and family elsewhere in the country. I am very blessed and lucky to have you all in my life and absolutely wouldn’t give any of you up for anything. Today is about love, and that doesn’t necessarily have to be the romantic dinner and candlelit kind of love. So this is me, sending all of my love to all of you. Now go out there and spread that love.

Things Girls Do

 As a very wise Doris Day once said, “I enjoy being a girl.” I second this statement and wouldn’t trade the god-awful act of bra shopping, unbearable cramps or the millions of razors purchased in my lifetime for anything. Being a boy just doesn’t seem as exciting. Plus, they have no hair and don’t wear makeup. What would I do in my spare time? Read?

That said, I’m willing to admit that some of the things we ladies do make little to no sense. The following is a list of ridiculous crap that girls do that are paradoxical in nature and yet somehow ever-present in this world. Disclaimer: I am in no way exempt from the list below. In fact, I am guilty of doing most of these things at one point or another.

 Saying you’re fine when you’re not- During a fight with a boyfriend, your passive-aggressive side takes charge. “Are you upset?” “No, I’m not. I mean, you just told me I look disgusting and shouldn’t wear patterned tops but I’m totally fine. It’s really fine. Doesn’t bother me at all.” Or the ever-popular saying you’re fine while stomping out of the room, arms crossed. If you would’ve just said that you were pissed and had a conversation about it, the poor guy could’ve apologized and bought you something by now.

Planning out your life with someone before you really know them- Raise your hand if you’ve met a cute guy and after the first hangout or date you’ve thought about taking a vacation with them, naming your kids or what your first and his last name sounds like combined. If your hand isn’t raised, you’re a damn liar.

Wet hair, underwear and thermal socks.

Shorts with uggs- It is just simply confusing to the eye. “Oooh, my feet are so cold that I need to coat them in fur but the frosty wind blowing up into my lady parts doesn’t phase me at all.”

Makeup to the gym- This is a tough one. We all know that hotties with the bodies frequent the gym and so we want to look our best. Unfortunately, wearing making to the gym if you’re planning on breaking a sweat makes little to no sense. If you had it on from your day at work, that’s different. But if you’re in the Planet Fitness parking lot applying bronzer in your rearview, we have an issue. Chances are, unless your idea of “working out” is fixing your ponytail in the abundance of mirrors for an hour, you’re going to sweat and your makeup is going to run all over and make you look like a gremlin. At that point, the boys will be staring, but not in the way you might’ve hoped.

 Ridiculous status updates- We’ve all done it. That moment when you are so upset about something nothing that you head straight for itunes and play every Taylor Swift song you have until you find the exact lyric that describes your utter devastation. They are usually completely out of control and look like this: “I said leave but all I really want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming I’m in love with you. Wait there in the pouring rain, come back for more, and don’t you leave cause I know all I need is on the other side of the door. “ I would be willing to bet that nine out of ten times you see this kind of update it is simply because some boy didn’t like your last status.

This is exactly how I stand.

The pose(s)- Where to begin? There are so many. There’s the ever-popular hand-on-waist, hip popped and head tilted back look that you see in bathrooms across America as girls are getting ready to go out. There’s the sorority squat where a small group forms two tiers and all lean towards each other with their hands on their knees. There’s the promiscuous leg wrap/hold. And then there’s my personal favorite, the hands-on-hips, push my shoulders forward to reveal my suddenly emaciated-looking collarbone.

Screaming at bars- You have class with Annie twice a week. She lives on your floor. You guys got coffee this afternoon. Why, then, do you find it necessary to shriek her name at a pitch only dogs can hear when she enters the bar? If someone shows up to surprise you, fine. If it’s someone you haven’t seen in a while, great. If it’s Ryan Reynolds, you do it. But otherwise, please stop screaming.

Reading other people’s phones- YOU ARE NOT HARRIET THE SPY. GET OUT OF MY SHIT.

Stalking, social media style- Ten years ago, stalking got you a restraining order. Today, stalking is normal in society and even encouraged by social media networks. How many times have I heard a girl utter these words: “I know he got my message because he updated his status AND commented on Bobby’s picture,” or “I know he didn’t stay home last night because he checked-in at McDonald’s.”

Wearing a skirt to the bar (when you know you’re gonna get on it)- Ladies. If you have a history of climbing on things in public, please, for the sake of all of us who have eyes, don’t wear a skirt belt out at night. You’re probably going to fall over at some point and I have no interest in seeing which Victoria’s Secret creation you’re sporting today.