I don't like Kaitlyn. I think I said it last week but let the record show that on this, the 12th day of January in the year 2015, I have stated my disdain for Kaitlyn. I'll be sure to keep up with my Kaitlin quote of the week segment, but just know I think she sucks. I felt like that needed to be shared up front.
Kimberly wants a second shot. A fair question to ask, and better ask it on night/morning one
"This is your life. There are no rules..." A.K.A. Please do this for ratings and I'll pray she's the one. What a great addition to my memoir..."
In what world is Chris Harrison going to encourage you to do the less dramatic option? Meanwhile, they leave Kimberly in the driveway with the crew, who is more than likely prodding her with questions. Also, this would probably go better if you weren't crying, but I assume you're coming down from a nasty champagne drunk seeing as it is 7 a.m. at this point and you haven't slept in over 24 hours.
She stays. Shade is thrown.
Immediately cut to the queen of NJ (and possibly the Nile based on her later outfit choice). "I don't like this." And I don't like ANYTHING about you. Except maybe the delicious greek restaurant in your hometown. Seriously, when my leg heals, can we go to OPA to celebrate? Julie?
Chris Harrison has gathered the ladies in the living room to discuss the week's dates. Who is the poor soul sitting on the pillow on the floor? Did anybody catch it? Rewind to it. You won't be disappointed. Legit all of them managed to squeeze on the couch. All but one.
Group date. Shade is thrown.
I'm not sure for what season or adventure a zip up with no shirt underneath is appropriate but I guess a scantily clad tractor race is as good an option as any. Cleopatra wins the tractor race and gets to spend ten minutes atop Chris' lap as her reward. During her alone time, she discusses the weather and how the tractors were slow. Excellent choice.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
Gym rat and Megan "sneak over" with 500 cameras to Chris' mansion next door.
ABC must've decided to get the sad stuff out of the way early on this season as they immediately cut to the depressing suicide conversation in the kitchen with Juelia. She is this season's Cassandra. You know, the one who drove in the water car with Juan Pablo and was a mom and all the women consoled her when she cried? I would've cried, too, Cassandra. Juan Pablo was awful.
Chris decides he wants more time with one woman at the end of this tractor date. When they read out the date card, I immediately thought Chris was following what I think MY mentality would be as the bachelorette. Use the first group date to take the outliers somewhere and let them show their true colors. I thought everybody was a little on the outside of this one; drunk Tara, Tandra because her name, overalls McGee, cleopatra and her flannel tied around her waist. It seemed pretty clear what Chris was doing until....he opted for more time with MACKENZIE. If there was one person I would've assumed was a pity rose from week one and definitely gone in week two, it was mermaid on ice Mackenzie. This was shocking to me.
"I'm so nervous right now. I'm insecure." Well perhaps overalls and giant topaz earrings weren't the way to start a national broadcast.
Meanwhile, Tara, who may moonlight as the hulk, looks like she may need to pick up a tractor and throw it. Reasonable Jade is trying to make sense of it all and these other women seem genuinely pissed. I like Jade. She does her own thing, and I think he will like that. Once he's done talking about aliens with Mackenzie.
"You want to know why I haven't been going on dates?" Perhaps because you insult people's facial features upon first conversation. "It's so hard for me to say this... "I have a kid." Luckily, Chris isn't phased. Kids don't scare me...except possibly you. How old ARE you, anyway?
Let's end the night the romantic way...by dancing to no music at all in front of the women's bathroom.
The next morning Mackenzie decides to tell everyone exactly how many times Chris kissed her and how the stars were positioned when it happened. Trina has not yet mastered styling both sides of her hair yet as she's still rocking the side pony, but we'll work on it, girl!
Megan gets the one-on-one and no one is more shocked than Megan, mostly because she thought it was a love note and not an invitation.
This date was the first of many helicopter rides. The view was pretty, and different from a lot of the bachelor dates to tropical locations. Still, I couldn't get over the dirty river. Augustus Gloop may have popped out at any time. Another sad story about a death followed by that awesome Subaru commercial with dogs. Then Chris pulled out a rose from a backpack and Megan about rolled back into the grand canyon. She's clearly never seen this show. It's official.
The haunted date is right up my alley. I think I would've really liked shooting the zombies! However,
Jade, who was sitting on the couch next to me, would respectfully decline that date. "Where is my holy oil?! Oh no!"
Ashley S. did not go through casting and fool everybody. This was a known fact and done purposefully. Kaitlyn did try to shed some light on the situation by ensuring that she was not an actor and was in fact really a nutjob, but I smell something fishy. And I can't even smell!
Twerk team captain Jordan is drunk and going on about gym rat's hairy ass crack. First of all, how did you even get close enough to another human to see such a thing? Also, your credibility is low. Lower than gym rat, and that's saying something.
Kaitlyn quote of the week: "She didn't hide that at all. She was like, 'I'M HERE! I'M CRAZY!"
If you start one-on-one time with, "Don't worry," I'm inclined to worry more than usual. Chris is trying so hard not to laugh at Ashley, but she isn't even completing sentences at this point. She decides it's time to get some rest so she exits stage left via army crawl.
Britt knows what's up. She tells him she's not worried and basically that what's meant to happen will. Then Chris ate her face for a bit. He's into her. That much is clear. But sadly those initial flames tend to burn out on this show. Because other ladies are hanging back and waiting to shine. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Whitney is a smart girl. She isn't rude to the others. Says things like, "You had some hard choices to make," or, "you've got great girls here." Make your own date if you don't get one. BOOM. Slow and steady wins this race fo' sho'.
Ashley I. has transformed into Cleopatra and she is insisting on Chris rubbing her belly
Twerk team captain is chasing Amber around after her brief makeout sesh with Chris. He's kissed at least 5 girls by the second rose ceremony; Mackenzie, Cleopatra, Britt, Megan and now Amber. Trina is throwing shade everywhere and that girl Becca still hasn't really gotten any airtime. She's adorable! More Becca!
Ashley S. has to be an ABC ploy for ratings and rightfully so, because even if it is semi-scripted, she does make me chuckle. Kimberly gets the boot a second time and no one is surprised besides Kimberly. Tara has proved that she's is a mess both sober and drunk as she cries painfully in the driveway. Don't worry; the flight attendant will sit with you on the way home. She probably can't fly without an adult, anyway.
Who is Samantha?
I think at this point, there's a few women who have made a big splash early on. Generally, unless you're idiotic Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson or Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, the big splashers don't win. It's the slow burns. There's also always one or two women who end up in the final 7 or 8 who you sort of forgot were there. There's a ton of women left who haven't had any airtime. I have to imagine that the adorable karaoke singer and the former nfl cheerleader are gonna get noticed at some point!
Until next time...
xoxo,
Amanda
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