Bachelor Chris - Week 3

The Bachelor franchise is nothing if not formulaic, something that we have come to know and love each season. Love it, hate it, or love-to-hate it, you know what you're getting yourself into every Monday night. Every bit of casting, editing and teasing for next week is calculated so perfectly that even when you're sick to your stomach and cursing your TV to hell at 9:59, somehow you've forgotten entirely by next Monday and subject yourself to yet another two hours of torture. Sort of like when I eat Alfredo sauce. Never ends up well, but I keep on doin' it.

This week follows the usual pattern of week 3s past as we see more breakdowns, more nudity & less intelligence. At this point, the smart women are keeping quiet and the dumb women, well, they've really made a showing for themselves so far. But before we get to the hot tub disaster, let's take a moment and give a round of applause to Jimmy Kimmel, who made this episode arguably the funniest episode of the Bachelor yet.

I watched Jimmy Kimmel and Kaley Cuoco talk about the Bachelor on his show recently and Jimmy Kimmel said Chris had MAYBE been asleep for an hour when he woke him up. Poor guy. Can you imagine sending drunk Tara AND drunk Jordan home in the same night and then wake up to a man's face an hour later? Talk  about getting a glimpse into the life of the Bachelor. No wonder he's keeping the crazies around; the poor guy is sleep deprived.

I can't quite pinpoint what I find so abhorrent about Kaitlyn, but it is one of those natural and instant loathings, similar to how I feel about Kirsten Dunst. Can't pinpoint that one either, but man have I hated her since she threw Winona Ryder's manuscript in the fire in Little Women. Anyway, as much as I don't enjoy Kaitlyn, I'm sort of relieved that she was chosen for the Jimmy date because there was somebody else there for me to pay attention to. Without Jimmy, this date would've just been them kissing in various backyard locations. At least now they paused long enough to push the steaks around on their plates.

I don't understand the crop top choice for a date. I'm okay with the Taylor Swift crop, a.k.a. high waisted skirt and a crop top, but a low-rise skirt, sorry, a low-rise MAXI skirt and midriff-bearing crop top in broad daylight is just too much. I understand it's way warmer in California than Canada so maybe she was confused. Maybe that's where the flannel tied around her waist comes in.

"I don't know ANYONE who could've handled a date like this besides Kaitlyn." You mean you don't know anyone else who grocery shops? With someone else's credit card? Save that line for a repelling-down-a-building date. Not for f*@$%&# Costco.

Kaitlyn quote of the week: "It felt like a real night. He was seasoning the steaks and I was pouring the bourbon." Definitely a normal night.

 I don't think Jimmy really got a great vibe from Kaitlyn. She's very blunt and very sarcastic, which Chris seems to like. But as Jade would say, Jimmy be knowin'. It's physical and quite obviously that's all it is for now. Some Bachelors in the past have let their nether regions get the best of them in determining their victor. But, although he's not showing it now, I think Chris is smarter than that and once some of the glitter has worn off he will  eliminate some of these overly sexual women with whom he doesn't have a genuine connection. "She's fun" normally doesn't equate to "she's mom material," at least not in 8 weeks' time. Sorry, K. So glad she got a stupid date because sassies like her are a dime a dozen, just like cereal at Costco.

Side note: AshLee Frazier tweeted she likes Kaitlyn because she isn't a robot. Like anyone read that and didn't immediately make a comment about AshLee being the most robotic cast member IN BACHELOR HISTORY. Sorry, I had to.

Group date!

Another farm date? You don't say. It's a race date again, too. Either ABC didn't have faith in these girls to be interesting on their own or Chris really wants them to be competitive. Or they're just really itching for a lawsuit from PETA.

A milk drinking challenge? Count me in. You knew up front that JIllian and her ever-present

ass were going to be all over this, but I certainly never expected little Carly to reign victorious. And what did she get? A 5 minute photoshoot. After Cleopatra got an hour of alone time for driving a tractor 20 feet? Give me a break.

Around this time, I assume Chris knows of a few of the women still hanging around that he will never ever bring home to mom. Others are shoe-ins for the next rose ceremony. And the rest who he might be on the fence about? Well they say things like, "Do you wanna dance with me? We can make our own music...let's pretend it's our wedding." Subtle.

Meanwhile, one third of the dumbest Bachelor girl clique ever to exist (in this instance, Mackenzie) is wondering why Chris is kissing other girls besides her. Um, well seeing as you have a child I would think you of all people would know how this works. Chris responded by not really responding which I SWORE would seal her fate. Sadly, she remains.

FINALLY! Becca gets some airtime. Southern, pretty with and without makeup, laid back. I think that's the kind of woman Chris will end up with. She gets bonus points for pointing out the setup for the kiss. "I know we're on a rooftop and there's twinkly lights and we're all alone but...no goodies for you." Go girl. That's how you get to week 5.

Whitney time. I know, I know. Her voice. But she can't help that and otherwise I like everything about her. Guys, she actually shed a tear when she got a date card. That'd be me! Shit, that'll be me when it comes in text form.

I don't know what they had planned for Whitney & Chris' date before she suggested they crash the wedding. I want to believe that it was unscripted, but it would be a long shot for the Bachelor, no matter how intently they tried to make the footage seem like it was taken from a far distance or with an iPhone. Chris is a pretty bad liar, as well as a horrendous speech-giver, so when mid-conversation he stops to ask about the group of people gathered under a distant tree, it begs the question of spontaneity. Although, if it was a lie, good for Chris for pretending to check with the producer, who may as well have been sitting on the same couch.

Was Neil lane on call to give out a ring? This would be the best date in Bachelor history if Whitney wins and Chris uses the same ring to propose on some tropical island in a few weeks. Just sayin'.

Okay so back to the date. I think it this point it's safe to say that Chris is better off talking about corn than anything else, so it's a good thing Whitney is a little bit better of a liar than he is. Note to self: when crashing a wedding, perhaps don't start by talking to the wedding party or mother of the bride.  Anyone else catch that man staring when they were slow dancing? No way he didn't know he was being filmed.

Here's my dissection of what's going on here. Chris is a nice guy, a polite guy, a wholesome guy. But, he's a guy. If attractive women are throwing themselves at him, I can't really be surprised that he is allowing himself to enjoy it. But eventually he will get rid of those women. I think he will see through the smoke and mirrors and in a few weeks we will see the criers and the skanks be weeded out. And that means Whitney will be on the right side of things.

The Bachelor medic was likely out of saline and stomach pumps after the last two rose ceremonies, so they conveniently hosted an alcohol-free afternoon pool party this week. Upon the announcement, everybody was a little unsure about missing the evening soirée, but nothing was more upsetting to the women than finding out they only had an hour to get ready. HOW WILL I ACHIEVE MY NO MAKEUP MAKEUP LOOK?

Juelia wants to tell Chris about her husband and I am digging my nails into my leg hoping she holds off until a better time. Not that there's ever a perfect time to drop a bomb like that, but a sunny pool party seems like quite the opposite. She does it and at least it's out in the open, but man was it uncomfortable.

Jade decided it was time to get some alone time so she packed up her kimono and headed down the hill to Chris' house in her white strappy shoes. She then gushed about the amazing conversations they had, but I guess that got edited out for time purposes.

Chris ends up in the hot tub with Jillian and just as they get into a really intense conversation about dumbbells, the three amigos come stumbling down the hill to request one-on-one time. Jillian, however, is not having it and decides that instead she will clutch his inner thigh. Ashely I. storms back up the hill and hides in the house somewhere. Mackenzie wobbles back to the mansion living room and tells all the women what happened. No one is concerned. And Megan is probably still down in that hot tub as we speak.

Showing his true gentlemen colors, Chris eventually came up the hill to find Ashley I. "Hey,

has anyone seen-"I'M RIGHT HERE!" She came flying out stage left like a bat out of hell and dragged him to the roof where she later tried to assault him by way of rolling off the ledge. She couldn't get a hold of her emotions and ugly cried like somebody told her she couldn't wear white gold hoops. She also talked about Jillian. And then tried to mount him. All in a day's work.

Rose ceremony.

The amazing jar can now pay off my student loans and Chris, Chris and Jimmy are ready for a few heads to roll. In the end, Trina and her side pony, Amber and her salty mouth and somebody named Tracy went home. Ashley S. is still there and staring off into the Mesa Verde and Ashley I. is still around after being called last, even though she told Chris that she "Would very much appreciate you calling my name at the beginning." And the lighting crew would very much appreciate you not wearing that much highlighter next week.

xoxo