Bachelor Nick: Week 7

Hello and Happy Valentine’s Day! What better way to commemorate the day of love than by dissecting the Bachelor and the Barnyard explosion that was last night. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, mostly because I got a spoiler text about the new Bachelorette in the middle of the group date. Of course, this made me think I knew the ending to this episode, but then Rachel didn’t get eliminated so I basically shit a brick. That was a bold move, ABC. Very bold.

Just to get the big Bachelorette announcement out of the way, I think it’s great and very smart that ABC is revealing the new Bachelorette early. If you’re a real fan, you realize that the entire season of Bachelor in Paradise has to air between now and Rachel’s season, so they need to generate some hype between now and then. They also know that every mouthbreather out there has a phone camera and her filming was about to get spoiled any second. I’m excited to watch it, mostly because it isn’t Vanessa.

Anyway, back to the island, where Nick has the women seriously cracked out about him possibly ending this season early. Nick is meandering the beach, sitting on overturned boats, whining. It’s all very sad, honestly. Not because Nick is sad, but because this is the kind of shit that takes us to 9:58pm with no rose ceremony. That and those untouched cinnamon buns on the table. That’s the saddest of all.

Wait, what? Nick decides he’s going to continue on this journey? Alert the town elders.

The ladies are sitting on the couch waiting for the date card and Corrine must already know she’s not getting it because her hair isn’t done, her makeup isn’t done, and her nails are painted yellow. Sure enough, Vanessa gets a date card that says something about getting deeper and now Corrine is really pissed because there was never a date card more perfectly suited for her platinum vagine.

Vanessa and her giant hoop earrings go swimming/snorkeling/I don’t care because I was so distracted by their awkward undersea kissing. Have these two every kissed on land? I worry for the success of their relationship when they run out of elements to submerge themselves in, especially when their meaningful conversations go like this:

Vanessa: When I got here, I had no walls up. Then I started to get walls. Now my walls are gone.

At dinner, my stank face continues as Vanessa professes her love to Nick, Nick chooses to not say I love you because he’s seen Ben H.’s season, and Vanessa gets real pouty, real quick. I couldn’t ever put my finger on what my issue was with her, but this episode I realized that she’s kind of childish. When she’s excited about things, she’s always yelling and spinning around and seems to have no control of her fine motor skills. If she doesn’t get her way, she pouts, goes silent, and probably holds her breath until somebody tells her to stop.

Now Corrine, Raven and Kristina are on a yacht date and Corrine is rightfully concerned because she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one all season. She uses her alone time to point this out to Nick, he doesn’t remotely care, they make out and then it’s over. Raven uses her alone time to share more about her family with Nick and doesn’t mention a single negative thing about anybody else, the process, Chris Harrison’s weird rolled up pants etc. Meanwhile, Kristina(‘s body) is getting all the attention from Nick and his sunscreen abilities.

Nick: I’m not really sure what to do, yanno?

Kristina: Well, you can’t have us all so you have to pick one. This isn’t Utah.

Raven gets the group date rose and Corrine is pretty much ready to launch herself off the boat and into the water. Instead, she consumes, like, a full pound of cheese and I realized in this moment that Corrine wasn’t so bad after all.

Danielle’s date feels off from the gate. I suppose that’s why the editors make the big bucks at ABC, though, because it’s all because of the sad music and awkward shots of them riding bikes. After a forced conversation about hometowns on a bench, Nick confesses in an interview they are struggling to make normal conversation. Well, yeah. You’re talking about meeting each other’s parents’ after your second date. So.

At dinner, we all know what’s coming and Danielle is sent home. It’s actually sad because Danielle is the nicest human any of us have ever met. Ok-I don’t know every human you’ve ever met, but I’m going to venture to say none of them were as nice as her. Then she has to go back to the house and has to share with the women what is happening and it felt so genuine and sad. “I have to leave right now before I totally lose it.” No car confessional needed! I hope she isn’t on paradise and actually finds somebody because she deserves it.

Fresh off the heels of the little angel’s departure, Corrine decides the best course of action is to take her Louboutins and traipse through the sand to Nick’s room to cheer him up with a little handy j. It takes her close to a decade to get over there, though, because she only learned to walk earlier today it would seem. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Nick has learned his lesson and does not allow himself to get too far along before sending Corrine away. She’s embarrassed, understandably, as she has now learned she cannot stroke her way to the final rose.

NOW at this point in the episode, I’ve already received the spoiler text from my good friend Kathleen. I already KNOW Rachel doesn’t win, so I’m kind of tuning her date out (dat skirt, doe!).  I did catch something about her never bringing a white guy home before, so that should be fun when she’s dating 20 of them next season. Also I’ve had poops that lasted longer than this date.

What will Raquel wear???

Nick, who will apparently do anything in his power to avoid rose ceremonies being seen on TV, comes to the house to send Kristina home, and everybody is trying so hard not to smile. Corrine’s blood pressure is probably sky-high at this point because she knows Raquel is about to get some airtime. But before we celebrate seeing Corrine’s family home, we have to mourn the loss of Kristina.

It’s obvious that Nick is sensitive and hates confrontation. He knows how much it hurts to make it this far and be sent home, so he decides to send Kristina packing before meeting her 500 family members. I think she handled it well, although I would not want to see what she looks like really pissed off. Nick cries, again, and tells her how great she is. Just what every girl wants to hear when being dumped! Kristina leaves, but I kind of can’t wait to see her at the Women Tell All. She’s grown on me.

And now we move on to hometown week. Will Rachel’s dad approve of a white guy? Will Raven’s date include shooting guns? Can we assume Vanessa will take Nick to her classroom and make Italian food with her family? Will Raquel get a rose?

It all happens next week, on the Bachelor <3

Bachelor Nick: Week 6

Welcome back, rose lovers. I need to address my complete disregard for the blog these last few weeks real quick. I hadn’t been watching the Bachelor on time on Mondays because I was hanging out with a boy and he happened to only really be free on Mondays. He also happened to end up really hurting my feelings and ghosting me after a month so there’s that. Anyway, what do we learn from this situation? We don’t give up the Bachelor for boys. It never ends well.

Anyway, I am back and better than ever. Let’s dive right back into the hot mess express, shall we?

So things don’t end well for Taylor or her frizzy ponytail. She tries to throw Corrine under the bus desperately but to no avail.

Taylor: She’s fake and everybody hates her!

Nick: You don’t even go here.

Anyway, Taylor leaves (for real this time) and Corrine and Nick make out in a corner. I'm super confused about the season because Nick is in a thermal sweater and Taylor is in jean shorts.

There’s a rose ceremony and Jaimi, Josephine and Alexis are all sent packing. Alexis better be on Paradise, that’s all I have to say about that. She might be able to see a dolphin, you guys. The Bachelor makes dreams come true.

This group date is a hot.damn.mess. Why is Vanessa screaming through, like, this whole episode? I’m wondering if somebody put something in the rum punch because everybody seems beyond drunk. They’re yelling, they’re crying, they’re napping, they’re pushing each other. It’s like kindergarten!

Watching Jasmine is like watching a social experiment about someone who has never been let out of their house before. She spends the whole episode bitching about getting alone time with Nick, only to waste her alone time with Nick bitching about how long it took to get it. Oh, and let’s not forget the time she threatened to choke him. But it was okay because it was in a sexual way, right?

Anyway, she has to go because she’s obviously about to kill somebody with a coconut. I think Raven gets the group rose but honestly who cares because ANOTHER 2-ON-1 is afoot! I know we’ve all been wondering who Whitney is (besides a distant relative of Karlie Kloss, yes?) including Nick, who brings her on the date with Danielle to finally be able to tell them apart. We all expected Whitney to go, but I wasn’t expecting her to get a little saucy.

Nick: I don’t think you’re the one for me.

Whitney: And you think Danielle is?

Nick: It’s DLO! Gosh, Whitney. You are so STUPID!

Anyway, Whitney is left on the beach alone while Nick and Danielle fly away in a helicopter to…a….jail? I guess I should’ve seen the signs. I have to give Nick some credit because sending Danielle home in this way must’ve been mega awkward when he could’ve just done it at the rose ceremony the next week (less confrontation) but he legitimately couldn’t have been more bored by her. It was written all over his face. I didn’t want to be right about her but sadly, an un-iced poptart is easy to spot.

Cya

I want to be that producer who wheels away the bags. Just once. What an exciting job!

Now we’re left to face the reality that Nick sent 3 women home before the rose ceremony and the women are freaking out. So are the producers, because we need to make this shit last another 4 weeks, y’all. Stop sending everybody home.

He comes to the hotel to basically tell the women none of them are exciting enough to keep his attention and he might just bail. He leaves, and exactly zero of them go after him. So, maybe he’s right lol.

P.S. I completely forgot about Kristina's date. It was sweet and I enjoyed listening to her story. I just probably forgot because it's too little too late for her I think. 

Bachelor Nick: Week 5

Raise your hand if you have ever felt personally victimized by ABC.

All of your hands should be raised. Let’s start a petition for the ban of the “to be continued” sign as well as a petition to never, ever, EVER let somebody like Taylor back on this show. She gives those of us with mental health degrees a bad rap and made Corrine look moderately reasonable so she’s got to go.

But more on that later.

At the rose ceremony, adorable Sarah gets the boot and I have to say I think ABC is picking off girls one by one based on my hair envy. Now Danielle is the only one left with a long bob and that makes me nervous for her time left. Also, Astrid is sent packing and exactly zero people were affected, including Astrid.

Off to New Orleans!

Jami is real excited because New Orleans is her hometown and she can’t wait to be in her element and get some alone time with Nick. ABC spliced this little nugget of info with the one-on-one date card arriving at the hotel for…Rachel. LOL. Sorry, Jami. I think you probably peaked at the cow milking.

Nick: These are my favorite kind of dates, yanno? Just chill days, wandering around a city, taking in the sights, spending ABCs money, relaxing…

ABC: CUE PARADE!

This date is refreshingly normal and fun to watch, even that weird part where they went into the tiny concert. What I like most about Rachel is that she is exactly the same with Nick as she is with everybody else. Rachel is nice to Corrine and gets away with it. Rachel shows extreme side boob and gets away with it. Rachel is a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal, American girl (thumbs up if you get the reference) and has absolutely no business on this abysmal television program.

Later, at dinner, Nick and Rachel are skipping right to hometowns, did ya peep? He basically asked what he could call her dad when he becomes his father-in-law, so that wasn’t subtle at all. Not to call out the smoke and mirrors, but ABC is smart and knows what they can and can’t show without giving too much of the ending away, so I’m going to go ahead and say that Rachel isn’t the winner because it’s starting to remind me of the time Bachelorette Des told Chris Harrison she was in love with Brooks right before he left her ass on that pier in the Caribbean. They are maybe showing us too much and it makes me wonder.

This creepy mansion date is fabulous and I am living for it! Combine that with the sassy cocktail man named Boo and we have ourselves a recipe for a great evening, people. But just to be clear, there’s a little girl named May who died in the house and the group date is…to find her ghost?

K, cool.

So the ladies take turns wandering through the house as producers knock shit over and scare the crap out of them. Vanessa and Danielle are really taking this seriously and trying to communicate with a ghost via a small tea candle from Pier 1 Imports. Jasmine moves that doll even though they all told her not to. Clearly, she’s never seen Pan’s Labyrinth. It ends up being a pretty fun date to watch because the girls are actually nice to each other and kind of friends. But, in a strange turn of events, May does not get the group date rose.

The 2-on-1 date is the equivalent of Bachelor Gladiator. Taylor vs. Corrine seems like it had the potential to be an exciting but it didn’t hold a candle to the badlands date of yesteryear. Aside from the part where Corrine got the voodoo doll and was sticking pins in it, it was a pretty boring date. Taylor didn’t try at all with her outfit or hair and ended up looking like she was getting dropped off at summer camp.

The important part of this date is that Taylor gets the boot. She’s not satisfied with this because Corrine and Nick have a relationship is built on whipped cream and LIES! She tries to bust in on their awkward dinner and fails miserably, again.

What do you know…to be continued. 

Bachelor Nick: Week 4

It’s week four and that means we’re halfway through the season. Hard to believe, right? Especially because we really haven’t done anything besides hate Corrine as a nation. Nevertheless, the smell of cows and nature is abound, so let’s get this show on the road!

Spoiler alert: turns out the bouncy castle sitch didn’t go over so well for Nick and now a little harmless straddling has the house up in arms. Basically everyone is hanging out of windows and over balconies like the opening sequence of Beauty and the Beast talking shit about Belle, only this time Belle has some gnarly hair extensions and naps a lot.

Vanessa: Are you looking for a woman or a girl? Are you looking for someone to fuck around with or someone to marry? Are you looking for a woman or a dolphin?! BE MORE SPECIFIC!

These girls has exactly zero minutes to get ready before the rose ceremony. Half of them show up with chlorinated hair and might very well still be wearing their bathing suits under their dresses.

This rose ceremony is trash. I loved tuning in each week to see the new levels of teasing Christen’s hair could achieve. Now what will I do?

Wait, I’m sorry. What is Josephine still doing here?

The next day, Chris Harrison comes in to deliver one half of his lines for the episode and lets the women know that Spirit Air was running a good deal so they are heading to Milwaukee! 

Upon arriving, Danielle gets the one-on-one and proceeds to laugh annoyingly through the entire thing. I can already see the remixes of her laugh, can’t you? This date sucks, besides the bakery part. Also, let’s definitely sit on this hill and point out all the places I used to make out with other ladies. #reasonswhyhessingle

Later, they look at food on a table and then walk in on a concert. She gets the rose because duh. Everybody who gets a concert date gets the rose. That’s just the rules of feminism.

This cow group date is really something. It’s also pretty boring, but we do take away some important tidbits. We now know that the lesbian is the only one who can milk a cow, shoveling is apparently a serious medical condition, and Vanessa had a Snapfish coupon to use before she came on the show so she used it to make a book about…herself.

Just when I thought this episode was going to be the most boring in Bachelor history, here comes my girl Raven to save the day. Only this one-on-one is between Raven and Bella who sit and discuss life and stare longingly into each other’s eyes while Nick—who apparently went to the Olympics for roller skating—is doing laps elsewhere.

Later, Raven finally gets into the time she walked in on her boyfriend cheating on her. It’s something right out of an episode of Cops, chock full of breaking down doors, assault and battery and a mother who encouraged the whole thing. Strangely, Raven is kind of cute while she’s telling the story, said vagina on national television, and might’ve scared Nick into giving her the rose. For these reasons, Raven is the winner of the episode.

Now it’s time for the cocktail party and we find Taylor and Corrine at odds again. For the record, this is the opposite of what a conversation between two self-aware adults looks like. Corrine has never been wrong in her life and Taylor is too busy carrying around her master’s degree to notice that Corrine hasn’t said a word to her all season. This argument sounds like two children imitating their parents.

Also, this is getting REAL OLD.

Bachelor Nick: Week 3

I think it’s important you know that I am taking exercising seriously this season and—as fate would have it—my gym offers two classes that I really enjoy on Monday nights.

How inconsiderate.

 Anyway, I attended Zumba on Monday and after minimal stretching and maximum jumping for 45 minutes, I came home tired, stiff and hungry. I’ve been living on Wegman’s pre-seasoned individual meat dishes (mostly because they have directions on them) so I popped a chicken breast and some veggies into the oven and got ready to watch the Bach and cry over the faint memory of carbohydrates.

But THEN I remembered that I’d been talking to this guy online and really seemed to be vibing but hadn’t heard from him all day and needed to alert my friends in a group chat that we would NOT be hosting a June wedding as I had anticipated.

So, what I’m saying is that I was stiff, tired, still kinda hungry and annoyed at boys so full disclosure: this installation of the blog may be a hot damn mess because I was thoroughly distracted during the entire episode and my notes are all over the place.

SHALL WE?

We pick up right where we left off, in the aftermath of Nick telling the ladies about Liz and her vagina departure. Some of them seem to care, but others seem to be realistic about the fact that a smexy 35-year-old man had a one night stand one time. Nbd.

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony we were deprived of last week and the same question is on everyone’s mind: what is this floral tie and where is the nearest dumpster?

He’s totes using his one-on-one time at the cocktail party to gauge the ladies’ reactions to the Liz situation to see if we have any stage-5 clingers ready to freak. Nobody really does, disappointingly.  Danielle probably handles it the best out of everybody, but it totally doesn’t matter because Nick can't have a conversation with her because he’s clearly very very attracted to her personality.

I wonder if the producers of this show lay in bed at night and think of horrible, embarrassing things to suggest to the contestants. Like whichever producers are working with Corrine definitely were laying there thinking, “Let’s get this bitch a trench coat and see what she does.”

She got naked, duh? She literally doesn’t know how to do anything else, you guys. Luckily, the whipped cream debacle knocked her down a few pegs when Nick didn’t immediately mount her in the driveway. She went upstairs to cry in the bathroom with Jenny Ashley Kelly whatever and nobody cared. She then proceeded to nap through the rose ceremony.

Side note: If you don’t read Chris Harrison’s blog on yahoo, you should. He sometimes has fun behind-the-scenes info to share. HOWEVER, this week he made the fateful mistake of commenting on Corrine’s behavior saying, “You’ll see her differently in a few weeks.”

A FEW WEEKS? I don’t think America can last that long.

This backstreet boys date is what dreams are made of. I would have killed to go on this date. Not as a contestant, just as a backup dancer.

The rehearsal is fun to watch, mostly because Corrine is a horrendous dancer, probably because she’s an equally horrible listener. Jasmine is killing it and even helping the other girls learn the moves which makes her great. Her reaction to Raquel makes her greater, and her tumble in the hallway at the end of the date makes her the greatest and the winner of this week. I don’t care what anybody says.

I know I mentioned this casually before, but I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Taylor. Something about her seems annoying, immature and then a little more annoying. She also looked about twelve during this date so.

Nobody puts Corrine in the corner besides Corrine who put herself there so she could pout and stare awkwardly at the other women practicing. Then she runs in the bathroom to cry again.

Corrine: My confidence is rubbing off on the other girls and I’m falling to the back!

Whitney: I’m just trying to pee. Stop blocking the stall.

Danielle “wins” the group date challenge which is really like losing because now she has to middle-school-slow-dance with Nick in front of everybody. At least she got the group date rose, too.

Ahh…Vanessa. I wish I liked her. I know everybody likes her. She’s a special ed teacher. She gives it to him straight. She’s not overbearing or oversexualized. I get it, okay?

Still not into it.

I really thought this was a strange but cool date concept. Nick and Vanessa and their matching livestrong bracelets climb aboard the zero gravity plane and I was sort of enjoying watching them float around and kiss as if underwater until…. 

OH GOD. NO, NO, PLEASE NO!

Everybody knows how I feel about vomit, and if you don’t know, now you know. She doesn’t feel well….she’s covering her mouth…she’s going to—OH GOD SHE’S PUKING! Wait, what the fu—THEY’RE KISSING? G2G.

Their dinner date isn’t much better, IMO. Nick is crying (still not sure why) and Vanessa pretends she forgot she was on this show.

"I forgot about the rose!" Um, did you? Or did you juuuuuuust tell the story about your grandfather’s funeral and all the red roses that were present.

Fair warning: If Vanessa loses and she's the bachelorette it's gonna be rough guys.

Second group date highlights include Rachel crushing the fake diamond ring and Astrid winning the athletic challenge somehow and there being a jacuzzi on the track. Rachel gets the group date rose and somebody named Dominique is mad Nick doesn’t know who she is and gets sent home for yelling at him on his own show.

No cocktail party this week, ladies! Instead, let’s have a pool party and NOT swim in the pool. In fact, let’s instead jump in a bouncy castle with Corrine and make everybody else insanely pissed, specifically Vanessa who airs Nick out about being a total slore.

Vanessa: You tryin’ to have kids or you tryin’ to bone?

Nick: ABC told me I had to keep her….

No rose ceremony. Shocking! I’m sure Corrine will get a rose this week (thanks, Chris Harrison) and I’m also sure I won’t be going to zumba ever again.

Bachelor Nick- Week 2

Ah, the glorious stench of week two, where women you once loved now repulse you and there’s at least three women you don’t remember from night one floating around. I’m looking at you, Hailey.

Knowing full well that these women got, like, zero hours of sleep after the rose ceremony that ended at 7 a.m., I’m amazed to see them and their clip ins up and ready at such an early hour. Chris Harrison comes in to deliver his one line for the episode and remind the women that Nick really wanted to get rid of more of you but the network wouldn’t allow it and not everybody is getting a date this week.

HOT GROUP DATE

I think Nick very clearly put the women he was the most physically attracted to from night one on this date. The hotties run outside to pile into their sky blue Buick convertibles and Josephine is close behind, waving frantically as if it is the first day of kindergarten.

Doing a photo shoot on the group date is like the Bachelor and ANTM had a baby and I am here for it. Surprisingly, most of the women are owning their busted dresses and enjoying the chance to pose in front of a carnation arch. But I think we all know the best thing about this date was the photographer and his tropical romper. Is he available for birthdays? Because mine is coming up.

Real Talk: Do I even need to say it? Corrine is awful. She’s selfish, childish and so out-of-touch with reality. She won’t be around long and as an avid Bach-watcher I’d be willing to put my other hand on that fact. Nick has been around this block several times and he knows that putting up with BS like Corrine is not going to help him on his redemption tour. She won the photo challenge to cause drama, not because Nick wanted to give it to her. Nick can’t hide his emotions, and while he may be physically attracted to her, dumbass really isn’t his style. ABC wants him to be well-liked and respected. Corrine doesn’t fit that storyline, so she will not be the victor. The end.

In the meantime, I’m going to need well-educated ladies like Taylor to not let her get to you and to just enjoy yourself the way Alexis and her boob cupcakes are. #selfsufficient

How much has everyone had to drink on this group date? Nothing, because Corrine clearly drank it ALL. She steals Nick first to chat, and they have their first serious conversation of the night.

Corrine: How are you feeling?

Nick: I’m good.

Corrine: Yeah, me too. I feel things really strongly. Like if I like you, it’s like wow, I like you, yanno?

This is about the same awkward pose
I would've had for my headshot

Corrine returns to the group to tell them all about their intellectual conversation and after about ten minutes goes back for seconds. She interrupts Alexis who contemplated punching her in the face but walked away instead. I really wanted to see Alexis throw down, tbh. Instead, we get a little squabble between Taylor and drunk Corrine on the couch about both of them interrupting each other. But you know what? As long as there’s no situation about the situation, we’re okay.

Soft-spoken Danielle gets the first one-on-one and it’s like what are you doing on this show you normal sweet human. She is perfectly gangly and awkward and her curls don’t exactly fall right and this makes her the winner of the episode and of my heart. At dinner, she tells Nick about how she found her fiancée after a drug overdose and she didn’t even know he did drugs. Does this seem odd to anybody else because she’s, like, a nurse? Whatever. She gets the rose.

ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS DATE

 Nick takes the ladies to a breakup museum and all I can think of is somebody actually paid money to fund such a place. You could’ve donated money to cancer research, meals on wheels, my college debt- literally anything besides a breakup museum.

Anyway, the women have to fake break up with Nick in front of each other. It’s pretty uncomfortable for everyone involved but nobody does uncomfortable better than Liz. Sensing her fifteen minutes of fame is fleeting, Liz reads a short excerpt from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and Nick looks at every tree behind her head to avoid eye contact. Nobody says anything afterwards, like the time Joe in my office told all of us he voted for Trump.

Now the paranoia sets in for Nick as he spends the evening portion of the date wondering who—if any—of the women know about his sexcapades with Liz. He plants seeds with all of them as they talk but nobody bites until he meets with Christen, who lets it slip that she knows how big he is what happened at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Nick is obviously surprised that Liz shared this info, but he’s also clearly thinking, “You chose Christen out of everybody?”

                                                   Must’ve been the cheetah headband.

Nick decides it’s time to talk it out with Liz and she makes about as much sense as drunk Corrine trying to explain why she didn’t take his number and why she didn’t call him over the last nine months. There’s really no good answer to that question besides, “I was in a coma,” so we all knew this conversation was going to end with Liz in the elevator. See you on paradise? Maybe?

Nick walks away to tell the remaining women about his history with Liz—liztory? Do we like that?—and we get stuck with the first rose-less episode of the season. Who will care? Who will cry? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

A FEW TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE

Production could have probably dragged this Liz thing out for a few more weeks but they didn’t. Either they were pleased enough with the antics of bat-shit-Corrine or Nick really just didn’t want her around. I think it’s probably a combination of both mixed with ABCs continued effort to make Nick seem like a reformed bad boy. “Liz was my past and I’m looking for a future.” I can see it already…

Also, I wanted to point out that Raven says what all of us are thinking and for that she will sadly get the boot eventually. I know I’m not the only person who caught Nick saying that she had an attractive PERSONALITY and nothing else. Nail? Meet coffin. But Bachelor gods please let Raven stick around for a little while. We need her to keep it real.

xoxo

Bachelor Nick: Premiere!

Everybody….rock your body….Bachelor’s back…alright!

 

 The thing is, I totally had that line planned before I saw the season trailer with the Backstreet Boys but nobody will believe that now. No matter! The Bachelor is back and so am I. The overwhelming number of texts and tags on facebook make me feel really good, you guys. You dig the blog, or are just really bored at work on Tuesdays. Either way, I’ll take it!

So let’s start at the top. What do we know? We know Nick has 300 siblings and a mom who never smiles, only cries. We know Nick had sex with Andi and Kaitlyn and America hated it, but then he stood up to a bully on BIP and now America loves him. And we also know he still wears a messenger bag.

Nick’s hometown seems like a nice enough place to be. There’s plenty of outdoor space to run and do pushups and the staff at the grocery store are especially friendly.

BTW That woman in the supermarket is all of us.

Now it’s time to meet up with former Bachelors so they can talk about how completely awful Nick is to his face. Ben looks more like a soccer dad than ever—if that’s even possible?—and Sean is even smexier than I remember. And Chris…well…Chris could literally sweat through a wool sweater while being completely stationary. Nobody offers any advice other than be yourself and don’t be an asshole. That’s pretty much what Bella said and I bet you she didn’t get paid to be on the episode.

Let’s get to the mansion, shall we? Nick and his polka dot tie can get it. I was never super into him before but the facial hair is giving me all the feels. Chris Harrison comes to greet him like his long lost son and I’m sure they had a really nice chat but I tuned all of it out because he was wearing black and navy blue together. Whoever said black and navy blue go together is seriously disturbed.

Let’s meet this year’s crop of ladies, shall we?

Danielle the nail salon owner is gorgeous and does an amazing job hiding her clip-ins. She definitely has the potential to go far although in every shot I’ve seen of her so far she seems to be scantily clad. Don’t get me wrong; I have boobs and I know how to use them. But there’s a time and place.

I think we can all agree we would never let Josephine anywhere near us with a needle. Or just anywhere near us. I never thought I’d be against a girl who brought a hot dog as her gimmick but today is the day, people.

Little Raven the boutique owner is sweet and hopefully sticks around because she seems like she has a good heart. All she wanted to do was be friends with the shark-dolphin.

Corrine makes me annoyed because that was my name in high school French class and she’s ruining it for me. I have to wonder whether she knows how spoiled and ridiculous she looks and sounds. Either way, she’s spoiled and ridiculous. And blonde, so good luck.

Liz the MOH reminds me of a lovechild between Danielle Monaro and Shiri Appleby. She’s beautiful, not a size 2 and seems sweet enough. However, she wouldn’t give Nick her phone number when he asked for it. I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you say?

Rachel the lawyer and eventual bearer of the first impression rose is smart and very intense. Jade also wanted me to let you all know her weave is busted.

Taylor the mental health counselor spent her time talking about her friends and how much they hate Nick so that’s promising.  

That girl Lauren’s disgusting slut joke was not lost on me.

Dominique got out of the limo and I want everyone to know Evelyn let out a HUGE fart when she was on screen so I think it's safe to say she's not going far.

I’ve had like four people text me about how much they like Vanessa already and I hate when this happens but I find her extremely annoying. I can’t quite put my finger on it—maybe it was the vintage 2004 prom dress from the DEB that she wore to the premiere—but I am not super convinced yet. Nick was, though. He was into it.

You had one minute and you chose beard massage? I don’t even remember your name. Neither does he.

The camel girl is all of us after 4 glasses of wine.

Also, ironically, nobody was rude about the camel and in fact were envious that they didn’t think about bringing a camel themselves. How could you overlook such an obvious tactic?

And then there’s Alexis the dolphinshark. Was she wasted when she walked in? Will she be as entertaining next week in regular clothes? Were the people of New Jersey embarrassed or supportive of this year’s tribute? Only time will tell. I appreciate her commitment to the dolphins, however I wonder if she’s even seen one because that was very clearly a shark costume ABC borrowed from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance.

It's always fun for me when my guy friends pick out the girls they think are attractive based on the original photos, especially when they turn out crazy. One year, my friend Adam picked out crazy Jamie from Ben Flajnik’s season (see also, lap dance). This year’s hilarity comes from my friend Mason who picked out Christen and her yellow fan and red lips. Happy to send her your way, bud.

It felt like these limo exits took a full calendar year, amiright? Luckily, I think we can sum up the most important points from the rest of the episode rather quickly.

Have you ever seen the movie, The Woman in Black?

...You have now.

Corrine is a spoiled brat who voluntarily showed her nanny in her intro and—arguably more offensively—referred to sliced cucumbers as a snack. She will be around just long enough to irritate America and then Nick will cut her loose. I give her week 5, max.

The Liz situation is touchy. She seems to be a nice enough girl and obviously very pretty but her timing is poor. We all know how easily bruised a man’s ego can get and denying him your phone number once only to reappear when he’s achieved fame—only to later deny that’s why you came—is not helping your case at all. He has 29 other ladies vying for his attention; why would he give this another shot (see also: ratings)? Liz also clearly cannot keep the info to herself because in the season preview we see her telling Christen by the pool about it and we know Christen can’t be around that long so it must be coming up soon. Can’t. Wait.

Nick is much funnier and dare I say normal than I would’ve imagined. I actually giggled out loud when he told Alexis she couldn’t take off her shark costume or he’d send her home. I think I’ll enjoy watching him this season.

I don’t think this will be a very dramatic season, mostly because Chris Harrison didn’t say the word dramatic once this whole episode. The season preview seems mild at best, only highlighting Corrine jumping on a trampoline in a bikini and Liz’s sex revelation as the most exciting tidbits. They actually seem like a nice group of girls, at least so far? Famous last words?

So I guess it’s time for me to name my top five and my dark horses as I always do after the premiere:

Danielle the nurse, Danielle the boobs nail salon owner, Vanessa, Rachel, Whitney

Dark Horses: Brittany, Elizabeth (Whitney is kind of a dark horse too because she didn’t speak at all but I felt like he gave her the up-down).

Who do YOU like?

xoxo