It’s week four and that means
we’re halfway through the season. Hard to believe, right? Especially because we
really haven’t done anything besides hate Corrine as a nation. Nevertheless,
the smell of cows and nature is abound, so let’s get this show on the road!
Spoiler alert: turns out the
bouncy castle sitch didn’t go over so well for Nick and now a little harmless
straddling has the house up in arms. Basically everyone is hanging out of
windows and over balconies like the opening sequence of Beauty and the Beast
talking shit about Belle, only this time Belle has some gnarly hair extensions
and naps a lot.
Vanessa: Are you looking for a woman or a girl? Are
you looking for someone to fuck around with or someone to marry? Are you
looking for a woman or a dolphin?! BE MORE SPECIFIC!
These girls has exactly zero
minutes to get ready before the rose ceremony. Half of them show up with
chlorinated hair and might very well still be wearing their bathing suits under
their dresses.
This rose ceremony is trash. I
loved tuning in each week to see the new levels of teasing Christen’s hair
could achieve. Now what will I do?
Wait, I’m sorry. What is
Josephine still doing here?
The next day, Chris Harrison
comes in to deliver one half of his lines for the episode and lets the women
know that Spirit Air was running a good deal so they are heading to
Milwaukee!
Upon arriving, Danielle gets the
one-on-one and proceeds to laugh annoyingly through the entire thing. I can
already see the remixes of her laugh, can’t you? This date sucks, besides the
bakery part. Also, let’s definitely sit on this hill and point out all the
places I used to make out with other ladies. #reasonswhyhessingle
Later, they look at food on a
table and then walk in on a concert. She gets the rose because duh. Everybody
who gets a concert date gets the rose. That’s just the rules of feminism.
This cow group date is really
something. It’s also pretty boring, but we do take away some important tidbits.
We now know that the lesbian is the only one who can milk a cow, shoveling is
apparently a serious medical condition, and Vanessa had a Snapfish coupon to
use before she came on the show so she used it to make a book about…herself.
Just when I thought this episode
was going to be the most boring in Bachelor history, here comes my girl Raven
to save the day. Only this one-on-one is between Raven and Bella who sit and
discuss life and stare longingly into each other’s eyes while Nick—who
apparently went to the Olympics for roller skating—is doing laps elsewhere.
Later, Raven finally gets into
the time she walked in on her boyfriend cheating on her. It’s something right
out of an episode of Cops, chock full of breaking down doors, assault and
battery and a mother who encouraged the whole thing. Strangely, Raven is kind
of cute while she’s telling the story, said vagina on national television, and
might’ve scared Nick into giving her the rose. For these reasons, Raven is the
winner of the episode.
Now it’s time for the cocktail
party and we find Taylor and Corrine at odds again. For the record, this is the
opposite of what a conversation between two self-aware adults looks like.
Corrine has never been wrong in her life and Taylor is too busy carrying around
her master’s degree to notice that Corrine hasn’t said a word to her all
season. This argument sounds like two children imitating their parents.
Also, this is getting REAL OLD.
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