Hello and Happy Valentine’s Day! What better way to
commemorate the day of love than by dissecting the Bachelor and the Barnyard
explosion that was last night. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions for
me, mostly because I got a spoiler text about the new Bachelorette in the
middle of the group date. Of course, this made me think I knew the ending to
this episode, but then Rachel didn’t get
eliminated so I basically shit a brick. That was a bold move, ABC. Very bold.
Just to get the big Bachelorette announcement out of the
way, I think it’s great and very smart that ABC is revealing the new Bachelorette
early. If you’re a real fan, you realize that the entire season of Bachelor in
Paradise has to air between now and Rachel’s season, so they need to generate
some hype between now and then. They also know that every mouthbreather out
there has a phone camera and her filming was about to get spoiled any second. I’m
excited to watch it, mostly because it isn’t Vanessa.
Anyway, back to the island, where Nick has the women
seriously cracked out about him possibly ending this season early. Nick is
meandering the beach, sitting on overturned boats, whining. It’s all very sad,
honestly. Not because Nick is sad, but because this is the kind of shit that
takes us to 9:58pm with no rose ceremony. That and those untouched cinnamon
buns on the table. That’s the saddest of all.
Wait, what? Nick decides he’s going to continue on this
journey? Alert the town elders.
The ladies are sitting on the couch waiting for the date
card and Corrine must already know she’s not getting it because her hair isn’t
done, her makeup isn’t done, and her nails are painted yellow. Sure enough,
Vanessa gets a date card that says something about getting deeper and now Corrine
is really pissed because there was never a date card more perfectly suited for
her platinum vagine.
Vanessa and her giant hoop earrings go swimming/snorkeling/I
don’t care because I was so distracted by their awkward undersea kissing. Have
these two every kissed on land? I worry for the success of their relationship
when they run out of elements to submerge themselves in, especially when their meaningful
conversations go like this:
Vanessa: When I got
here, I had no walls up. Then I started to get walls. Now my walls are gone.
At dinner, my stank face continues as Vanessa professes her
love to Nick, Nick chooses to not say I love you because he’s seen Ben H.’s
season, and Vanessa gets real pouty, real quick. I couldn’t ever put my finger
on what my issue was with her, but this episode I realized that she’s kind of childish.
When she’s excited about things, she’s always yelling and spinning around and
seems to have no control of her fine motor skills. If she doesn’t get her way,
she pouts, goes silent, and probably holds her breath until somebody tells her
to stop.
Now Corrine, Raven and Kristina are on a yacht date and Corrine
is rightfully concerned because she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one all season. She
uses her alone time to point this out to Nick, he doesn’t remotely care, they
make out and then it’s over. Raven uses her alone time to share more about her
family with Nick and doesn’t mention a single negative thing about anybody
else, the process, Chris Harrison’s weird rolled up pants etc. Meanwhile,
Kristina(‘s body) is getting all the attention from Nick and his sunscreen
abilities.
Nick: I’m not really sure
what to do, yanno?
Kristina: Well, you can’t
have us all so you have to pick one. This isn’t Utah.
Danielle’s date feels off from the gate. I suppose that’s why the
editors make the big bucks at ABC, though, because it’s all because of the sad
music and awkward shots of them riding bikes. After a forced conversation about
hometowns on a bench, Nick confesses in an interview they are struggling to
make normal conversation. Well, yeah. You’re talking about meeting each other’s
parents’ after your second date. So.
At dinner, we all know what’s coming and Danielle is sent home. It’s actually
sad because Danielle is the nicest human any of us have ever met. Ok-I don’t
know every human you’ve ever met, but I’m going to venture to say none of them
were as nice as her. Then she has to go back to the house and has to share with
the women what is happening and it felt so genuine and sad. “I have to leave
right now before I totally lose it.” No car confessional needed! I hope she isn’t
on paradise and actually finds somebody because she deserves it.
Fresh off the heels of the little angel’s departure, Corrine decides
the best course of action is to take her Louboutins and traipse through the
sand to Nick’s room to cheer him up with a little handy j. It takes her close
to a decade to get over there, though, because she only learned to walk earlier
today it would seem. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Nick has learned his
lesson and does not allow himself to get too far along before sending Corrine
away. She’s embarrassed, understandably, as she has now learned she cannot stroke
her way to the final rose.
NOW at this point in the episode, I’ve already received the spoiler
text from my good friend Kathleen. I already KNOW Rachel doesn’t win, so I’m
kind of tuning her date out (dat skirt, doe!). I did catch something about her never bringing
a white guy home before, so that should be fun when she’s dating 20 of them
next season. Also I’ve had poops that lasted longer than this date.
 |
| What will Raquel wear??? |
Nick, who will apparently do anything in his power to avoid rose
ceremonies being seen on TV, comes to the house to send Kristina home, and everybody
is trying so hard not to smile. Corrine’s blood pressure is probably sky-high
at this point because she knows Raquel is about to get some airtime. But before
we celebrate seeing Corrine’s family home, we have to mourn the loss of Kristina.
It’s obvious that Nick is sensitive and hates confrontation. He knows
how much it hurts to make it this far and be sent home, so he decides to send
Kristina packing before meeting her 500 family members. I think she handled it
well, although I would not want to see what she looks like really pissed off.
Nick cries, again, and tells her how great she is. Just what every girl wants
to hear when being dumped! Kristina leaves, but I kind of can’t wait to see her
at the Women Tell All. She’s grown on me.
And now we move on to hometown week. Will Rachel’s dad approve of a
white guy? Will Raven’s date include shooting guns? Can we assume Vanessa will
take Nick to her classroom and make Italian food with her family? Will Raquel
get a rose?
It all happens next week, on the Bachelor <3
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