Bachelor Nick: Week 5

Raise your hand if you have ever felt personally victimized by ABC.

All of your hands should be raised. Let’s start a petition for the ban of the “to be continued” sign as well as a petition to never, ever, EVER let somebody like Taylor back on this show. She gives those of us with mental health degrees a bad rap and made Corrine look moderately reasonable so she’s got to go.

But more on that later.

At the rose ceremony, adorable Sarah gets the boot and I have to say I think ABC is picking off girls one by one based on my hair envy. Now Danielle is the only one left with a long bob and that makes me nervous for her time left. Also, Astrid is sent packing and exactly zero people were affected, including Astrid.

Off to New Orleans!

Jami is real excited because New Orleans is her hometown and she can’t wait to be in her element and get some alone time with Nick. ABC spliced this little nugget of info with the one-on-one date card arriving at the hotel for…Rachel. LOL. Sorry, Jami. I think you probably peaked at the cow milking.

Nick: These are my favorite kind of dates, yanno? Just chill days, wandering around a city, taking in the sights, spending ABCs money, relaxing…

ABC: CUE PARADE!

This date is refreshingly normal and fun to watch, even that weird part where they went into the tiny concert. What I like most about Rachel is that she is exactly the same with Nick as she is with everybody else. Rachel is nice to Corrine and gets away with it. Rachel shows extreme side boob and gets away with it. Rachel is a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal, American girl (thumbs up if you get the reference) and has absolutely no business on this abysmal television program.

Later, at dinner, Nick and Rachel are skipping right to hometowns, did ya peep? He basically asked what he could call her dad when he becomes his father-in-law, so that wasn’t subtle at all. Not to call out the smoke and mirrors, but ABC is smart and knows what they can and can’t show without giving too much of the ending away, so I’m going to go ahead and say that Rachel isn’t the winner because it’s starting to remind me of the time Bachelorette Des told Chris Harrison she was in love with Brooks right before he left her ass on that pier in the Caribbean. They are maybe showing us too much and it makes me wonder.

This creepy mansion date is fabulous and I am living for it! Combine that with the sassy cocktail man named Boo and we have ourselves a recipe for a great evening, people. But just to be clear, there’s a little girl named May who died in the house and the group date is…to find her ghost?

K, cool.

So the ladies take turns wandering through the house as producers knock shit over and scare the crap out of them. Vanessa and Danielle are really taking this seriously and trying to communicate with a ghost via a small tea candle from Pier 1 Imports. Jasmine moves that doll even though they all told her not to. Clearly, she’s never seen Pan’s Labyrinth. It ends up being a pretty fun date to watch because the girls are actually nice to each other and kind of friends. But, in a strange turn of events, May does not get the group date rose.

The 2-on-1 date is the equivalent of Bachelor Gladiator. Taylor vs. Corrine seems like it had the potential to be an exciting but it didn’t hold a candle to the badlands date of yesteryear. Aside from the part where Corrine got the voodoo doll and was sticking pins in it, it was a pretty boring date. Taylor didn’t try at all with her outfit or hair and ended up looking like she was getting dropped off at summer camp.

The important part of this date is that Taylor gets the boot. She’s not satisfied with this because Corrine and Nick have a relationship is built on whipped cream and LIES! She tries to bust in on their awkward dinner and fails miserably, again.

What do you know…to be continued.