Bachelor Nick: Week 3

I think it’s important you know that I am taking exercising seriously this season and—as fate would have it—my gym offers two classes that I really enjoy on Monday nights.

How inconsiderate.

 Anyway, I attended Zumba on Monday and after minimal stretching and maximum jumping for 45 minutes, I came home tired, stiff and hungry. I’ve been living on Wegman’s pre-seasoned individual meat dishes (mostly because they have directions on them) so I popped a chicken breast and some veggies into the oven and got ready to watch the Bach and cry over the faint memory of carbohydrates.

But THEN I remembered that I’d been talking to this guy online and really seemed to be vibing but hadn’t heard from him all day and needed to alert my friends in a group chat that we would NOT be hosting a June wedding as I had anticipated.

So, what I’m saying is that I was stiff, tired, still kinda hungry and annoyed at boys so full disclosure: this installation of the blog may be a hot damn mess because I was thoroughly distracted during the entire episode and my notes are all over the place.

SHALL WE?

We pick up right where we left off, in the aftermath of Nick telling the ladies about Liz and her vagina departure. Some of them seem to care, but others seem to be realistic about the fact that a smexy 35-year-old man had a one night stand one time. Nbd.

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony we were deprived of last week and the same question is on everyone’s mind: what is this floral tie and where is the nearest dumpster?

He’s totes using his one-on-one time at the cocktail party to gauge the ladies’ reactions to the Liz situation to see if we have any stage-5 clingers ready to freak. Nobody really does, disappointingly.  Danielle probably handles it the best out of everybody, but it totally doesn’t matter because Nick can't have a conversation with her because he’s clearly very very attracted to her personality.

I wonder if the producers of this show lay in bed at night and think of horrible, embarrassing things to suggest to the contestants. Like whichever producers are working with Corrine definitely were laying there thinking, “Let’s get this bitch a trench coat and see what she does.”

She got naked, duh? She literally doesn’t know how to do anything else, you guys. Luckily, the whipped cream debacle knocked her down a few pegs when Nick didn’t immediately mount her in the driveway. She went upstairs to cry in the bathroom with Jenny Ashley Kelly whatever and nobody cared. She then proceeded to nap through the rose ceremony.

Side note: If you don’t read Chris Harrison’s blog on yahoo, you should. He sometimes has fun behind-the-scenes info to share. HOWEVER, this week he made the fateful mistake of commenting on Corrine’s behavior saying, “You’ll see her differently in a few weeks.”

A FEW WEEKS? I don’t think America can last that long.

This backstreet boys date is what dreams are made of. I would have killed to go on this date. Not as a contestant, just as a backup dancer.

The rehearsal is fun to watch, mostly because Corrine is a horrendous dancer, probably because she’s an equally horrible listener. Jasmine is killing it and even helping the other girls learn the moves which makes her great. Her reaction to Raquel makes her greater, and her tumble in the hallway at the end of the date makes her the greatest and the winner of this week. I don’t care what anybody says.

I know I mentioned this casually before, but I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Taylor. Something about her seems annoying, immature and then a little more annoying. She also looked about twelve during this date so.

Nobody puts Corrine in the corner besides Corrine who put herself there so she could pout and stare awkwardly at the other women practicing. Then she runs in the bathroom to cry again.

Corrine: My confidence is rubbing off on the other girls and I’m falling to the back!

Whitney: I’m just trying to pee. Stop blocking the stall.

Danielle “wins” the group date challenge which is really like losing because now she has to middle-school-slow-dance with Nick in front of everybody. At least she got the group date rose, too.

Ahh…Vanessa. I wish I liked her. I know everybody likes her. She’s a special ed teacher. She gives it to him straight. She’s not overbearing or oversexualized. I get it, okay?

Still not into it.

I really thought this was a strange but cool date concept. Nick and Vanessa and their matching livestrong bracelets climb aboard the zero gravity plane and I was sort of enjoying watching them float around and kiss as if underwater until…. 

OH GOD. NO, NO, PLEASE NO!

Everybody knows how I feel about vomit, and if you don’t know, now you know. She doesn’t feel well….she’s covering her mouth…she’s going to—OH GOD SHE’S PUKING! Wait, what the fu—THEY’RE KISSING? G2G.

Their dinner date isn’t much better, IMO. Nick is crying (still not sure why) and Vanessa pretends she forgot she was on this show.

"I forgot about the rose!" Um, did you? Or did you juuuuuuust tell the story about your grandfather’s funeral and all the red roses that were present.

Fair warning: If Vanessa loses and she's the bachelorette it's gonna be rough guys.

Second group date highlights include Rachel crushing the fake diamond ring and Astrid winning the athletic challenge somehow and there being a jacuzzi on the track. Rachel gets the group date rose and somebody named Dominique is mad Nick doesn’t know who she is and gets sent home for yelling at him on his own show.

No cocktail party this week, ladies! Instead, let’s have a pool party and NOT swim in the pool. In fact, let’s instead jump in a bouncy castle with Corrine and make everybody else insanely pissed, specifically Vanessa who airs Nick out about being a total slore.

Vanessa: You tryin’ to have kids or you tryin’ to bone?

Nick: ABC told me I had to keep her….

No rose ceremony. Shocking! I’m sure Corrine will get a rose this week (thanks, Chris Harrison) and I’m also sure I won’t be going to zumba ever again.