Bachelor Colton Premiere

Alright, Bachelor nation. Against my better judgement, I am back. I swore up and down that I would not subject myself to Colton Underwood two hours a week, but when I saw my own dogs on television, I took it as a sign from the universe that I couldn’t back out. 

Kirpa's family dinner

Tell me that isn't Dexter

My babies

I can’t guarantee this is going to be anything more than watching paint dry, but let’s hope for the best, right?

First of all, there is absolutely no reason that needed to be three hours. We didn’t need viewing parties, we didn’t need Crystal and Goose in the hot tub, and we certainly didn’t need to see Jason and Blake over there reminding us of what could have been.

We did need Chris Harrison’s mom, though.

You knew we couldn’t say no, ABC. You knew we were going to sit here and watch it and curse you out under our breath all the while but never lose eye contact. This was just you pushing the boundaries just to see how far you could take things, and we are all puppets in your sick game. Addiction is real, and you took advantage of us, ABC. Not cool.

MEETING THE LADIES

I thought ABC did a good job showing us the range of crazy we can expect this season. I was distracted by Katie’s dancing (or whatever that was) but not too distracted to realize she sounded like she keeps mementos of past lovers in her closet. I expect big things from this one, and by big things I mean 3-4 weeks of horrific breakdowns.

Demi is a little firecracker, no question about it. Confetti cake? I’m going to go with devil’s food cake. I can absolutely see her being involved in the drama from the gate and loving it.

Then there’s Elyse from Alaska, who is a makeup artist. I’m not saying people in Alaska don’t wear makeup, I’m just not sure that they do.

Still not sure how Cassie is both a grad student and a speech pathologist, but it’s not even worth getting into. Except if you are one of her patients.

This group of ladies reminds me a little bit—okay, a lotta bit—of Nick’s cast of nuts. Here are my initial comparisons:

          

Hannah B is Raven: Southern, sweet, feisty and a little goofy.

Demi is Alexis: Batshit crazy and down to have a good time. 

Caelynn is Danielle L. : Really beautiful, lots of airtime in the beginning, fiery demise.

Catherine is Corrine : I miss Raquel. 

          

Annie is Danielle M. : She'll be in the back for a bit but will be worth the wait.

           

               

Onyeka is Jasmine : Remember when Jasmine tried to choke Nick?

LIMO ENTRANCES

Demi is out first and serving us Von Trapp family realness with that curtain dress. She is the first of a slew of bad sex references, including cherry-popping Caitlin who came to slay in a red jumpsuit. I would absolutely be wearing pants and eating all of the charcuterie boards. Then we get Hannah G who brings him his fave undies (none) and Katie who takes his V card. You all know I live for glitter, but this is just too much. Who sponsored this episode, the DEB?

The series preview shows a few different arguments, and I’m looking forward to seeing why everyone hates Tracy and Nicole. We even see Kirpa and Cassie arguing on what appears to be the side of a mountain, so all we can do is pray we get another hiking date like in Arie’s season where we almost lost Jenna.

Catherine stealing him four times was meant to be the emotional highlight of the evening, but you guys, for me it was the sloth. She climbed the tree. No one else had that level of commitment. Still, Catherine’s airtime shows that she is going to be the easy early target. I don’t love her the way I loved Corrine, but you have to give her credit where credit is due for avoiding doggie daycare fees and instead enlisting the actual Bachelor and his secret service to babysit your dog.

So it’s time for some predictions. Here are my top five gals who seem to have a good chance of making it far:

Hannah G.

Annie

Cassie

Demi

Tayshia

I almost switched Sydney in there for Annie, and I hope it doesn’t bite me in the ass later for doing it. Then again there’s literally no prize. Something about Annie that is so stinkin’ cute to me, so I feel good about my choice. I see Onyeka really getting on my frickin’ nerves, I see Heather getting her first kiss, and I also see Caelynn being a frontrunner until she self-implodes and ruins her own chances.

What will next week bring? Will Catherine steal more time? Will there be more sequins? Will we get to hear Alex B.’s voice? Will Colton jump clear over a fence like it wasn’t twelve feet tall?

xoxo