Bachelor Chris - Week 5

Isn’t my story amazing? I mean, I’ve lived this long without a hand or generally functioning vision or smell but this is the unfolding of somebody who has been through something so tragic, and you get to watch me pick up the pieces by writing this bachelor blog. I love my story.

This week, we journey 900 miles inland to Santa Fe, where 11 women are left vying for the possibly defective heart of Prince Farming. 12 if you count Jordan, but we’re back to 11 after we disregard Samantha. Samantha Who? Anybody remember that show from the late 2000’s? That’s what I think of every time I see her.

Date card one arrives and it’s for Carly. I’m both excited and nervous because I think Carly is sweet and funny and definitely not the one for Chris. It’s only a matter of time before his connection with other women gets stronger he admits he sees her as just a friend. It’s that squinty-eyed, teeth clenched emotion that can only be described as waiting for the inevitable. By all means, let’s make this even more awkward by dressing them as medieval peasants and having them feel each other up and breathe into one another’s nasal cavities. Hope you brushed.

After an emotional afternoon date—albeit filled with all the wrong emotions—Chris and Carly and her wet-look-leggings go back to a rustic Santa Fe cottage where they forego the ample seating and opt for a seat on the floor facing away from the fire. Carly delves deeper into her relationship past and the masks of wanting to feel beautiful. Her side interviews are always so funny and compelling, and I really enjoy her as this season’s most realistic candidate. She’ll be the one posting memes of herself the minute she gets eliminated. Quickly though, I have to comment on how her commentary on her past relationships have changed since last week. Is it me or did she sort of allude to the fact that her previous relationship was slightly abusive when she told Chris’ sisters that men “hadn’t always been nice” to her? Then this week her previous boyfriend didn’t want to have sex with her. Both are terrible, but wildly different. Chris tells her about his mask of being ready to settle down, all while looking in every direction besides Carly’s. That’s how you know he’s not really into it. He full-on stares at Britt, Kaitlyn, even disgusting Ashley I. gets his full attention. But Carly is in the friend zone. And because she’s just been addressing her fear of the friend zone for 6 hours, she gets the rose.

Meanwhile, Ashley I. is back at the house pleading her case to the cameras about getting the

other one-on-one. She could be telling the other women, but let’s be honest, they can’t fucking stand her either. Even Mackenzie told her she was being irrational this week. Megan would listen, if she wasn’t off somewhere looking for the New Mexican Ocean.

In comes the date card and it is for everyone besides Britt, giving Ashley I. another reason to Kim K ugly cry. It’s pretty obvious that they are going rafting, but everyone speculates about the other meaning of the word rapid. After a brief but terrifying account of the dangers of white water rafting from my main man Sisqo, the women pile into two boats (I see you ABC with the competition) and raft for approximately 90 seconds before Jade topples out of the raft and to her untimely death. Worry not, because Sisqo is here for you, booboo, and pulls her back into the boat like it was nothing. Kaitlyn’s recounting of this was easily her best quote of the week. Leave it to Kelsey and Mackenzie to not understand science and make fun of Jade’s condition. Be that as it may, karma is a bitch, and she’ll be waiving to your asses from the finale.

Night portion of the rafting date goes from mediocre to middle school in no time flat when Jordan resurfaces in the lobby of the hotel. I’m always confused when women try to come back on this show, let alone twice in one season. Never in the history of this show has a man said, “You know what, come on back. I don’t mind the wrath of these 20 piercing pairs of eyes.” Sure enough, every woman—besides Kaitlyn—chooses to waste their 4 minutes of alone time talking about why Jordan isn’t right for him. This is awkward, but nowhere near as juicy as what’s going on in the lobby between Whitney and Ashley I.

Ashley I. is pissed—what else is new—that nobody is being mean to Jordan. Whitney is pissed that Ashley I. is even a contestant on this show. The conversation went something like this:

Ashley I.: We should all be mean to Jordan because she’s stealing our man.

Whitney: Nobody is stealing him you dumb whore.

Ashley I: You’re so fake.

Whitney: You’re so not making it to hometowns.

I think that’s how it went.

Anyway, Jordan gets the boot and takes it really well because the producers told her ahead of

Take that, KardASHLEY. 

time that this was her only shot at getting back on TV. Everyone is throwing silent shade at Jordan as she leaves and Chris gives the rose to Whitney. Ashley I., who has never been more confused, immediately exits stage left with her ridiculous white romper (this was filmed in October or November, by the way) to go complain to Mackenzie, who is having none of it. Like I said, karma is a bitch.

The last one-on-one goes to a girl who is afraid of heights. Go figure. It took them long enough to start pushing the mental health boundaries of this season’s contestants. Britt is hysterical about the date card almost instantaneously, and I feel bad for a short while. However, I kind of forgot about it when she admitted to not showering. I’m sorry, what? No explanation, no discussion about why she doesn’t shower. Especially with the amount of hair she has and makeup on her face? How exactly is that possible?

Chris busts into the girls’ hotel room around 4:30 a.m., and stinky Britt, covered in makeup, is happy to get up and wake everyone else while she scurried around looking for an outfit. Carly, our resident realist, is pissed that she got shhh-ed by Chris. Oh no he didn’t.

Miraculously, Britt is not fazed at all by the fact that an air balloon goes higher than the buildings she was terrified of scaling ten minutes ago. They hover around for a while and kiss as the sun rises and nobody cares because back at the house, Kelsey is telling the tragic story of Sanderson Poe and his untimely death. I don’t mean to devalue the death of a spouse, and believe me, I really do feel for Sanderson in more ways than one, but this whole thing was just so out of control. I don’t really care that she waited this long to tell them or that she hasn’t told Chris. I do, however, find it odd that her beloved Sanderson dropped dead and she couldn’t recall why when telling the story. That’s usually something you remember, or at least rehearse before you go on TV to flaunt it.

Britt comes back and tells them about her date which concluded with a nap. Still, nobody cares.

Kelsey, who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one yet and probably wasn’t getting a rose this week, takes it into her own hands to go to Chris’ room and tell him the story of Sanderson Poe. I’m trying to say his name as many times as she did last night, for the record. Chris is understanding, but also doesn’t humor her by allowing her to stay in his room for long.

Chris: Shall we?

Kelsey: No, hehe.

Chris: No seriously, get the hell out of my room.

Kelsey then goes to the producers to make sure she gets her 15 minutes of fame explaining how tragically wonderful her story is and how this isn’t just about Chris, this is about HER. No, actually, this is about Chris Harrison, who hasn’t had enough airtime in weeks.

Cocktail party time. JK Chris is so freaked out by fake-ass Kelsey that there will be NO cocktail

party here. Not without increased security. Kelsey, who has just been digging herself an early grave with the women by saying how confident she is and how sad she’ll be to see them all go, gets a reality check when Chris blows up her spot in front of all of them. He leaves to compose himself and Kelsey realizes that she is not as safe as she thought. Immediately, she runs to the bathroom and throws a Tierra-sized tantrum on the floor in the hallway. A panic attack, she’s calling it. However, Chris Harrison wrote in his Entertainment Weekly interview this week that when she was in the bathroom, her microphone pack was off, but miraculously when she had emerged from the bathroom and was lying on the floor, her mic had magically reappeared. Nice try, stupid.

Nobody seems drastically concerned about this, not even Jade who was just trying to take a piss in the bathroom when it all happened.

Will Kelsey be okay? Will she get a rose? Will Ashley I. smile at all? Will Megan know where the next destination is?

Until then…

xoxo 

P.S. Sanderson Poe.