Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All

Raise your hand if the Men Tell All isn’t your favorite episode of the season. You, with your hand up? You can leave.

Last night was not as shocking as some Tell Alls have been in the past, but I appreciated it nonetheless. As usual, you had some men show up looking different than what you remember from TV because they saw themselves and were appalled (I’m looking at you, Jared). Others took the social queue to finish out their contract silently in the back row instead of causing a(nother) scene (Ryan and Tony the healer), and some just straight didn’t show up(Ryan M. Cory without the E and Daniel).  

Overall, the theme of the night was that Kaitlyn is going to do what she wants, even if that means bringing in a man mid-season or telling another that he’s THE ONE a month in. Newsflash, dudes, they’re the final two. If you can’t make the inference now with these context clues, nobody can help you.

I’ll start by asking the question on everyone’s mind: who drew the short straw and had to light allllll of those candles along the stage? I mean, there were at least 40,000. I was so distracted by them that I missed a lot of the complaining. But here is what I did catch.

The trailer for Bachelor in Paradise is everything I hoped it would be and more. Some of you may not know this about me, but Bachelor Pad and Bachelor in Paradise are actually my favorite part of the franchise. Guilty as charged, I actually prefer to see the randos go at it because you rarely get to see them in all of their glory on the other seasons because you are forced to focus on the Bach or Bachelorette. Nay! I want to see the whatsherfaces and whatwashisnameagains fight and make out on beaches. Let the judgment ensue.

We start immediately with some of the earliest-evicted suitors yammering on about the Clint thing, and then the Clint and JJ thing, and then the Ian thing and then the Nick thing. Corey with an ‘E’ is not happy and complains, like, the entire episode. Kupah Troopa, who could have easily sat silently in the background and faded off into oblivion, decided to go on a rant about how Kaitlyn is basically the worst Bachelorette ever and didn’t portray herself well. Corey is all about this and backs Kupah up by suggesting that Kaitlyn was a disgraceful Bach. Air high five between these two loosahs. But the precious angel that is Ben H. is having none of it.

Ben H. How many weeks were you around?

America:

We briefly discuss Clint and it went something like this:

All the men: Clint was nice the first night and then he got cocky after his deep sea one-on-one.

Clint: I never said I was a role model.

JJ takes the hot seat to discuss his bromance with Clint. One might assume that, given three months off to contemplate how to address the issue on the impending national tv special, JJ would’ve come up with a better way to explain the situation than saying he was “intellectually curious” about Clint. Instead, he tried to blame his bad jokes on his particular “brand of humor.” No, JJ. It’s not that. You’re just actually a fucking idiot. Meanwhile, Joe Bailey is hysterically laughing nearby. It is probably exactly what I would’ve been doing.

Joe Bailey for VP (I think we all know who I want for Prez. Then I can live out my Olivia Pope dreams).

Now Ian is on his knees beginning for forgiveness from the men. I think it worked, or terrified them, because everyone kind of nodded and just silently hoped he and his tight pants would go back to his seat. I don’t know. I was uncomfortable.

Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t really care about Ben Z. He’s probs not the Bachelor, and if you are honest with yourself you only like him because he is a big, beefy man. He really didn’t say anything exciting in the time he was around. Tell me one interesting thing he said all season. JUST TRY.

Chris Harrison: So you haven’t cried since your mom died?

Ben Z: No.

Chris Harrison: And have you cried since I made you go to that fake funeral and you got dumped on tv?

Ben Z: Nope.

Chris Harrison: Okay, good talk.

Now it’s time for Jared to take the hot seat and continue to be the standup guy that he is. He’s excited to see Kaitlyn, he’s nervous to see Kaitlyn, and he got a new razor. But hold your applause because here comes…

BEN freakin' H.

Moon of my life. My sun and stars. Ben H. comes up to reaffirm, as if there was any doubt, that he will in fact be the next Bachelor. Well he came up to talk about that weird sleepover with Kaitlyn and Shawn, but judging by the audience reaction, he’s a shoe-in. He retells the story about how Kaitlyn snuck into the hotel room he was sharing with Shawn in San Antonio and while he showered, Shawn and Kaitlyn shared some alone time that made his return feel kind of awkward. Now he knows it was because Kaitlyn told Shawn he was the one. But, like, more importantly, why was there a king bed and a cot?

Nobody puts Ben H. in the corner (on a cot).

Now it’s time for Kaitlyn to come out, and thank GOD she’s wearing a sparkly dress with grey eyeshadow. The suspense was killing me.

They continue to zoom in on Ben H. like a thousand times while Chris Harrison reads mean tweets about Kaitlyn, only this isn’t meant to be funny like on Jimmy Kimmel. The tweets are poorly-crafted slut-shames, calling Kaitlyn a whore and telling her to crawl in a hole and die.

These tweets brought to you by the Bible belt.

After they all clap for Kaitlyn about being brave, nobody wants to have an actual discussion about anything, besides my main man Ben H. He asks Kaitlyn why she only told Shawn about having sex with Nick. Um, yeah? Why did you do that? She gives some sort of response, possibly in another language, because nobody could quite decipher what she said. Chris Harrison, never one to let an opportunity like this pass, paraphrases the question again. No, no, dear. You’re not getting off that easy. Kaitlyn gives some busted answer about compartmentalizing relationships and nobody buys it but we all move on because Joe is in a bird costume and it’s actually terrifying.

Oh, and Ian got up to apologize to Kaitlyn.

Ian: I just wanted to apologize for my actions on this show. I, too, have felt the backlash of the public. I got hate mail, too.

Kaitlyn: I know. I sent them.

The bloopers were stupid and seem to be getting shorter and shorter every season. I know Joe Bailey did more funny things than pee in a bush. And come ON! Where was Tony the healer??? No montage of Daniel’s scarves? Get your head in the game, people!

Next week, we meet Kaitlyn’s family and Shawn says “the other guy” like a thousand more times. Who can’t wait for After the Final Rose? I can’t wait until they announce Ben H. as the Bachelor. I may have to take the day off from work.

Until then….

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 10

It’s dark and gloomy today and I LOVE IT. Even the heavens are mourning the loss of our dear Ben H.

On Tuesday mornings, after I have written my blog and searched for the most ridiculous .gifs, I like to visit a few of my tried-and-true websites to see what people are saying about the episode. Today, all of the articles were short, sweet and to the point, and that point was that this season has run out of steam. I couldn’t agree more, and I think we all know it has something to do with the format of this season, the boo hoo boy drama, and the lack of the actual bachelor magic that we have grown so accustomed to. For every cute moment a couple has shared, there has been a dark cloud of despair lingering nearby and, oddly enough, that cloud is.still.here.

Also that cloud is, like, totes trying to be the bachelor. Um, I’m sorry. Do you remember Juan Pablo? They’re not gonna make that mistake again. My guess is ABC is going to go back to its fairytale days. Onto the episode.

I like drama as much as the next gal, but this butting of heads between Shawn and Nick needs to stop. The episode resumes as Shawn stomps over to Nick’s cottage to tell him he’s condescending, arrogant and totally ruining his life. I know you are but what am I?

Shawn: You’re a mean girl, Nick. You’re a bitch!

Nick: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.

As usual, absolutely nothing gets accomplished during this conversation petty argument and Shawn leaves after talking AT Nick for roughly 4 minutes. Nick seems unfazed by this, despite ABC’s extreme close-up of his face in an attempt to make him seem pensive or sad. Do you know this dude? He doesn’t do pensive or sad. He does calculating and conniving. And he will undoubtedly continue to make Shawn look bad by encouraging the temper tantrums.

Cut, print, moving on.

Just like him, Ben H.’s fantasy suite date is perfect. A laid-back afternoon of horseback riding, animal feeding and picnicking atop a lush, green mountain followed by a nice dinner and snuggling by a fire inside a castle. A CASTLE, people. Ben H. reinstates my faith in sweaters this week as he and Kaitlyn settle down for a nice, mature conversation about the overnight portion of this date. She asks him if he’s sure he wants to stay over. Why does she keep prodding about his sexuality? Are you a virgin? Are you sure you want to spend the night? Do you know where to put it? STOP IT. Ben tells her he’s trying to act as if nobody else is there and that it’s about their relationship and he wants it to be how it would be in real life. So, basically, the most realistic, thoughtful answer he could’ve provided. Kaitlyn is not impressed as it has become abundantly clear that she is looking for a reason to get rid of Ben. He confesses that he is only 26, and Kaitlyn swears up and down that it doesn’t bother her while silently doing a little jig inside. Ha ha! A flaw! Regardless, the two head up to their suite for the #bestsleepoverever because my girl Kaitlyn isn’t gonna pass up the opportunity for the D even though she def def knows he’s going home.

Up next is Shawn who gets a fun-filled day of golfing and nudity. Let ‘s just call a spade a spade here; this week Kaitlyn went on a date to a bar, streaking and a majestic castle for two and she had the least fun at the castle. I’m just going to say what everyone is thinking: Ben H. is too good for her! Run, Ben H. Run your gangly self right to Macungie. I hear there are admissions counselors there looking for love.

Kaitlyn comments that her date with Shawn is really fun and for a split second she forgot that her suitors want to gauge each other’s eyes out with samurai swords. But then she remembers and decides they should probably talk about it at dinner because it has been, like, 24 hours since they last fought. Kaitlyn suggests that Shawn should just talk to Nick one-on-one and try to work it out—which is the dumbest idea since letting Ben Flajnik be the bachelor—and Shawn pretends that he tried and suggests that Nick’s allegations were just too egregious and he had to walk out. See also: repeated something you said off-camera and exposed you. Shawn is the new Britt, complaining that everyone is out to get her and whining incessantly because they forgot this show was about multiple suitors.

Shawn comes home to Nick lurking beside his hotel. “Hey, Shawn!” He yells across the parking lot as if they are good buddies who haven’t seen each other in a while. His words are dripping with contempt, though, and Shawn is having none of it. Nick has had some time to reflect and he wants to get the last word. Sadly, that’s never going to happen with Shawn because he will continue to talk over you until the day you die.

The rose ceremony was pretty basic. The most exciting part was at the end when Nick and Shawn danced silently around the carpet protesting each other’s existence while Kaitlyn walked Ben H. to the reject van.

Kaitlyn: I’m squeezing your hand so hard right now.

Ben H.: I know, I’m in here.

Onto the hometown dates, which, seeing as they were in Utah where exactly nobody on this season is from, weren’t really hometowns. Instead, they were more like a weird secret witness protection program meeting. We start with Nick, whose family is just about as excited he’s on the show again as America is. They sit silently in their suite, taking turns bursting into tears. Even his little sister knows this is bad news.

Kaitlyn has a few nice conversations with Nick’s sisters and brothers and then with mama bear, who may or may not have taken a hit of something before the cameras showed up. She’s so anxious and fidgety and cries a few more times before the day is through, reminding Nick that the next time they meet he will either be really happy or really sad.

Profound.

The date ends and Nick and Kaitlyn steal a few kisses back in her hotel room. Did anybody else see him do a double-take at the room number when they went in? He’s def gonna show up in the middle of the night like the serial killer he is.

Shawn’s date isn’t exciting, either, and although his sisters approved willingly, his dad was a tad more questioning. “What the heck is going on?” It seems like the most reasonable question of them all. I sometimes forget that these families don’t see their kid for 5 or 6 weeks and they come back acting bat-shit crazy and talking of love. I totally get why this is so confusing for them. Also, we know ABC doesn’t actually let anybody eat on these little visits because somebody always wants to have a candid chat mid-meal, so I’d probably be pretty off my rocker as well.

Next week is the Men Tell All, the single reason we watch this barnyard explosion in the first place. I can’t wait to see those giant men squirming around in those tiny plastic seats. We know that ABC relies heavily on the reaction of the crowd in determining the next Bachelor, so let’s hope America and I are on the same page about Ben H.

Until then…

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Weeks 8&9

Hola, friends! I have returned from the Dominican Republic with a new tan and a new outlook on this season. Although I think Kaitlyn will end up with the right man for her—or no man at all—I am pretty much ready to get to Bachelor in Paradise. Right after the bloopers on the Men Tell All.

Episode 7 

Because the episode aired a week ago and because I’ve already watched this week's series of meltdowns, I will just give the cliff note versions of my opinions from episode 7 and move right along into this week. We open with Shawn and his piss poor attitude whining again about how uncomfortable he is. 

Just you wait, boo boo.

Shawn: It’s getting really serious.

Kaitlyn: I know. Day 24 was really hard on my season, too.

Joe and JJ go on the dreaded 2-on-1 date to a cliff and share at least thirty-eight seconds of awkward silence on a picnic blanket together before Joe pulls Kaitlyn aside for what might’ve been the sweetest statement all season.

Joe: “I can’t get enough of you, Kaitlyn. I’m falling in love with you.”

America: Dead.

Meanwhile, Nick and Tanner are doing laps in the garden while Shawn pouts on a stoop nearby. This is odd because, if we recall, Tanner was the original persecutor of Nick when he arrives a few weeks back. Turning over a new leaf? In search of his 15 minutes? You decide.

Back to the cliff date. Now JJ and Kaitlyn are sharing some alone time on the blanket. “I like JJ because he is edgy.” Yes, because nothing says edgy like adultery and plaid.

The puffer vest strikes again and JJ is sent packing. However, Joe doesn’t get a rose, either. Can this season stick to the script at all? This is all so confusing!

The date finally ends and as we make our way back to the castle where Shawn is still outside and still being a huge baby. Later on he basically asks Kaitlyn to confirm that he’s the one and she tells him that they have to go through the motions, that there’s no way around it, and that he really just needs to stfu.

The energy in this castle is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson. Everybody kind of senses that something is rotten in Denmark Ireland but doesn’t really know what stinks. Ben H. decides to have a mature conversation with her about it.

Ben H: I get this sense that something is up.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, this week has been really hard.

Ben H: I totes get that. Please don’t just keep me to keep me, but if you are gonna let me go, can you wait til final 3? Better Bach odds. Kthanksbye.

Finally at 9:16 pm, the rose ceremony starts and Ben Z. and Tanner are donezo.

Ben Z: I’m really hurt by this. I came here for love.

Tanner: It’s been fun.

I guess that pretty much sums up his time here.

Now it’s time for a road trip where Kaitlyn decides to take the least confrontational guy with her in the car and lets the petulant teenagers duke it out on the bus. The vibe between her and Jared is so effortless, so darling and so not gonna happen.

Chris Harrison comes in and tells everybody that this time around, fantasy dates are going to come before hometowns in an effort to give them all “more alone time” to “help relationships catch up” to one another. Read also: Everyone must bang to get on the same playing field as hamster Nick.

Cupcake is all about this idea, because he’s pretty sure his one-on-one today will end with him and Kaitlyn soaring over a rainbow into a pot of gold, potentially on a unicorn. He and his vneck sweater are more than willing to fly in a helicopter to the literal edge of the earth for some alone time. He says all the right things and Kaitlyn cries and tells him he’s not the one and begs him not to jump off the cliff.

Cupcake, you’re an intelligent guy. You should’ve known what was up when she came on this date with a pony tail.  

Episode 8

I’m having trouble keeping up with the timeline of this season. The episodes are starting and ending in the middle of these Bachelorette weeks, and I’m not sure exactly where Monday’s episode left off. I faintly remember Cupcake on suicide watch after his 1-on-1 and no rose ceremony so it must be the middle of the week.

Ben gets a 1-on-1 next, and he uses the time wisely to play hide and seek. Later, they sit in front of a fire and Ben admits that he is really excited to stay up all night and talk. Kaitlyn takes this as an obvious sign that he’s a virgin because what guy would want to get to know a girl before getting down on one knee?

Then there’s some busted group date which is really just like an appetizer to a 1-on-1 with Shawn. I’m pretty sure Nick was on this “date” but I was too busy watching Joe get his heart stomped on.

Joe: I will love you until you’re old and grey and never look at another woman and drive the minivan and do all the yard work forever.

Kaitlyn: He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Joe. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in episode 2, I started going out with my fifth boyfriend, Shawn, who was totally gorgeous but then I had sex with Nick, and Joe was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Shawn, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

That man better find love on Bachelor in Paradise. But maybe leave the vest at home.

Then, as if Joe wandering off into the woods towards a van full of producers (I hope?) wasn’t uncomfortable enough, Kaitlyn sent Nick back to the hotel to chill with Jared and Ben while she attempted to make Shawn’s head spontaneously combust by telling him she and Nick did it. I was expecting this:

But we really got this:

Which was uber disappointing because I really wanted to see him flip a table or throw a chair or something. I guess Shawn is learning—slowly but surely—that this is a show about dating multiple people. He tells her he’s going to man up, and she’s thankful because that went so much better than expected.

But not so fast.

Roughly 12 hours later, at the rose ceremony, Shawn has changed his mind about how accepting he is of his girlfriend’s sex pal and decides to pull her away to chat just as she offers him the first rose. Her face is sheer terror.

I’m expecting something a little more “profound” to come from Shawn given the extensive conversation they had yesterday. Instead, he asks, “Why him?” Like she’s actually going to answer that question. It’s a trap, Kaitlyn. Run now.

Whatever she said, it worked because he, Nick and Ben H. come out with roses and Jared is sent packing. Jared is totally classy about the whole thing and, even though he is glossy-eyed in the limo, he has seen this show before and knows not to throw a tantrum on your way out.

So the overnight dates begin with Nick and Kaitlyn going to another church and talking about their childhood. Literally, I can’t think of two people less suitable to be on another church date. Do we remember what happened last time? Churches make these two weirdos hot and bothered. No bueno.

Nick decides to use his time wisely to talk shit about Shawn, claiming that he overheard Shawn bragging about screwing some girl the same night as an unnamed country star. Kaitlyn says, “Ewwww,” but doesn’t really react otherwise. Nick. This is the girl who had sex with you whilst dating 12 other guys. Do you really think she’s going to be offended by a minor indiscretion before they even met?

The next morning, Kaitlyn and her half top-knot are actually eating breakfast with Nick in the hotel. I don’t really remember what was said because they were actually eating and I was distracted. Long night, y’all?

Nick saunters back to his cottage only to be greeted by Shawn moments later. The two sit as far apart from each other as humanly possible, making it a bad scene from a tennis match as the sole cameraman has to flip back and forth as they whine at each other. I'm not sure what the point of this is, but I guess we will have to find out next week. 

I’m sure Ben H. is knitting somewhere.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn - Week 7

The latest installment of the Bachelorette has all of America up in arms, but definitely not for the reasons I would’ve guessed. As it turns out, Kaitlyn’s sexcapades would only be half-revealed on Monday’s episode, making us wait yet again for the dramatic conclusion to come next week. Instead, the most upsetting part of the episode was the beginning of Shawn’s mayjah meltdown before the credits rolled. Runner up for most upsetting part of the episode goes to Cupcake’s horrendous one-liners. “She is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”  

But enough about that.

We must, of course, first discuss the barnyard explosion that is Ian. Ian is a perfect supporting argument to my belief that paying $100,000 for college and being a worthwhile contributor to society are not mutually exclusive. Ivy or not, Ian’s biggest downfall is that he can’t work through his own emotions. Here’s how I see it; Ian knew there wasn’t a spark on either end, got pissed that she wasn’t wooed by him AND that he couldn’t seem to find middle C on either of the singing dates, and proceeded to freak the freak out because he wasn’t fitting in at home. Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

Maybe he should’ve gone to Kutztown.

Anyway, Kaitlyn is not having it and doesn’t even get off the couch to see him out. Be gone, peasant. I still have a handful of other shmucks to choose from. It was pretty obvious from the flushed cheeks in this episode that everybody was gettin’ wild at the bar, but that doesn’t excuse Ian’s harsh words in the van. My belief is that if you get cast on the Bachelorette and you don’t know that they are going to splice together every little nasty word that you utter, you deserve what’s coming to you in the twitterverse.

Chris Harrison emerges from behind a cannon to claim his fifteen minutes of fame. Kaitlyn is just, like, not okay, you guys. Every week is so stressful and she’s tired of people questioning her intentions and telling her she just wants to make out with boyz.

While a strangely patriotic version of the rose ceremony theme music plays, the hair squad—Joshua and Justin—get the boot. The rest are off to Ireland, the best place to fall in love, or contract alcohol poisoning.

What is it with ABC and the Justin Bieber hoodies? Is this their gift with purchase for being on the Bach? Is this how the producers tell them apart?

Nick gets the first one-on-one and absolutely zero congratulations are given. His date is the best kind; the walk around town and buy stuff with ABC’s money and eat look at your dinner in a fancy place kind of date. My season of the Bachelorette would be mostly these dates. And tap lessons.

Neither of them actually sees Dublin because their faces are smushed together the whole time. Except for that ghastly attempt at the jig. We ALL saw that. Including this girl, who is not impressed.

Whoever edited together that sequence of Nick and Kaitlyn with Jared and Shawn’s conversation is an absolute genius. They are laying the foundation for Shawn’s impending blow-up, which apparently isn’t coming until next week. In the meantime, Jared tries to remind Shawn that all he can control is his relationship with Kaitlyn and to try to worry less about the fact that they are rounding third base as we speak.

Kaitlyn: I wore this shirt with a hole in it just for you.

Nick: You have the best lips injection specialist.

Kaitlyn: Let’s go do it.

The morning after produces the classiest walk of shame I’ve ever seen. Nobody seems to wonder where Nick was all night but they all crowd around to listen to the PG retelling of his date.  I don’t know why Nick chose to share with them that he went back to her room because that can only end in one way. Joe tries to ease the tension a bit by throwing out that Shawn also spent time with Kaitlyn after their one-on-one last week, which had most of us like, what?

Guys, Ben H. is wearing a green tshirt because they are in Ireland. Seriously. Does he get any better?

The group date leaves behind JJ and Joe, two men who basically nobody cares about. If they are fated for the dreaded 2-on-1 date, only time will tell because the shenanigans of the group date took up the rest of the whole frickin’ episode.

Let’s crowd around a casket and say nice things about this girl we all are dating and pretend it’s not weird. Ben Z. takes it to the next level when he asks everybody to leave the room because he’s been to a funeral before, guys, and he’s ready to get deep.

Ian would be proud.

Instead, he delivers what is arguably the least-sentimental eulogy in history and all Kaitlyn can say is, “That’s sweet.” That’s sort of like saying, “She’s nice.” We all start sentences like that, right? “She’s nice, but…”

Kaitlyn and Jared have some cute one-on-one time and he gets the date rose, much to Shawn’s chagrin. Detonation in 3-2-1…

Shawn had to remove himself as to not flip a table and goes to find the producer to vent. In this 30-second soundbyte we learn that Shawn and Kaitlyn spent the night after their date braiding each other’s hair and telling ghost stories and Shawn is pretty sure Kaitlyn told him he’s the one. I don’t doubt that she said it, but I think it’s brave and a little all-telling of ABC to show that to the audience.

Next week, we see the 2-on-1, the rest of Shawn’s meltdown and hopefully less silver eyeshadow from Kaitlyn.  

Until then…

xoxo

Amanda

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 6

Another episode, another villain, another cliffhanger ending. Why, ABC, why?!

After last week’s abrupt ending, alongside all of the Nick controversy, I expected the opening sequence of this episode to go very differently. I was hoping for some screaming and man brawling but, alas, there was none. Nick was always very sure of himself on Andi’s season, and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is about him that is so off-putting, but something in me just doesn’t like the guy. That being said, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, I thought the guys were a bit harsh.

TBH, nobody cares if you guys like him. You don’t need to like him and you don’t need to become his BFF (unless you’re JJ because let’s get real, nobody likes you, either. It would probably be in your best interest to make a friend). If you were smart, you would’ve taken a page out of the Bens’ books and played the strong silent card. Instead, they were nitpicky at best and unsuccessful in making him look bad. In fact, it was Tanner and Joshua who came out looking like fools. And the more they tried throughout the episode, the deeper into their graves they fell.

Tanner: I saw you hung out with Andi on Twitter.

Nick: I see that you’re drinking beer out of a wine glass.

The part of this whole Nick drama that I don’t quite understand is the part where it isn’t a race or a game that you win. If she’s meant to be with you, she’s going to pick YOU regardless of who else is around. That was the point that Nick was trying to make in saying that he was glad that Josh Murray was on Andi’s season. They obviously weren’t destined. Just like Justin, despite everyone’s constant attempts, is not destined to have a reasonable haircut.

The rose ceremony takes place at Citifield in an apparent polar vortex as everyone shivers and shakes while Kaitlyn sends Jonathan, Ryan and Corey home and keeps Nick in play. Did you notice how ABC intentionally left out music at this part? You could hear the sighs loud and clear. People. Are. PISSED.

Off to Texas we go.

Ben H. gets the one-on-one and it couldn’t be any cuter. He’s masculine without being too overbearing and feminine enough without being Ryan B. She’s obviously into the manly men, but I think she likes the softer side of Ben H. And if she doesn’t, he can come right to Macungie. I’m sure Jade would be okay with a third roommate.

Who else wants to turn up with Betty Jo? That woman has the cutest voice and she moves well for being 140 years old. I thought they did a good job with the dancing, and their dinner conversation felt very honest without being too forced. I can tell she really likes Ben H. because:

Counselor talk: There are certain men on this season who, when she speaks to them one-on-one, she takes a back seat and lets them be in control. Ben H. is one, Ben Z. is one and Shawn is another. I interpret this as her genuinely being into them. She’s too giddy and nervous inside to be super chatty and does more listening than talking. She also doesn’t get offended when they say things that might not be viewed as the “ideal” or “PC” answer. See also: when Shawn told her he wished she was “smarter” about Nick. If JJ had said that, it would be game over.

Anyway, my point is, all of these guys are super hot good contenders for the Bachelor. Saying it now, people.

The group date is weird and that is putting it mildly. Ian has a breakdown because he doesn’t perform well (again), Jared’s facial hair has reached an all-time low, and Justin definitely did the Kylie Jenner lip challenge before this date. Seriously…he looks like Mrs. Potato Head.

Nick steals the show by serenading Kaitlyn atop a balcony and nobody can say anything because they are all pissed they didn’t think of it. Joshua’s face is slowly getting redder and redder and may just explode all over the sidewalk. The innocent bystanders audience does not seem impressed at all by this travesty and the crowd slowly thins out over the course of the episode. Thank god it’s over. My ears are bleeding.

P.S. Did Tanner even go?

As if that wasn’t horrifying enough, the after party to this date is potentially worse. The only real thing that happens is that Joshua decides he will sacrifice himself to the gods and tell Kaitlyn that Nick is full of shit and everybody hates him. Kaitlyn likes to stir the pot, we know this, but it seems like every single week she is calling somebody out in public. Everybody was in agreement about Ryan and Kupah and Clint, but this time they are too afraid to agree with Joshua and leave him out to dry in a mayjah way. Talk about a plan backfiring. Nick gets the group rose. I’m sorry, what?

Oh, and Joshua’s new hairdo courtesy of Kaitlyn is so Britney circa 2007. Goes perfectly with his meltdown.

Shawn’s one-on-one is great. He starts off by standing up for Joshua, which I thought was a really boss move. He obviously wasn’t on the group date so he didn’t get a chance to stand up for him then, so I think this was the next best thing. Now, I don’t think Joshua is long for this world, but I think he scored major brownie points with Kaitlyn by doing so. Bonus points for basically telling her that Nick is a huge weenie.

After they kayak through some weird river, they sit down to have a heart-to-heart about how Shawn almost died once.

Shawn: The car flipped, like, 74 times and I army-crawled back up the road where the forest animals helped me back to civilization….

Kaitlyn: I’m undressing you with my eyes.

Shawn says he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn surprisingly reciprocates, and the makeout ensues.

At the cocktail party, Jared tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her but nobody cares because a series of Ian’s interviews from the season are being spliced together to make him look like the ultimate douche.  Don’t get me wrong, he said all those things and deserves the twitter massacre that is coming his way, but it was pretty obvious that ABC was working their magic.

Eventually, the most eligible bachelor in the country and in the world decides he needs to tell Kaitlyn just how self-absorbed she really is and sits down with her to lay it all out there. After all, he’s an ivy-league graduate athlete who cheated death, guys. He loves his story. He’s the new Kelsey.

Ian: I can’t live in these conditions. All these guys do is talk about farting and pooping.

Kaitlyn: Ha. Poop.

This is Ian

The episode shockingly ends without a cocktail party and we are made to believe that next week we will finally find out who Kaitlyn slept with on that notorious date. I can hardly contain myself.  

Game of Thrones Finale Blog

Welcome to a special edition of the blog dedicated to the emotional rollercoaster that was the Game of Thrones finale last night. I usually only post Bachelorette recaps on Tuesdays, but after I suffered all the feels yesterday,  It had to be done. Plus, my normal GOT text pals were either at a wedding or on a different continent last night, so I was all alone in my pool of sorrow and just need support, okay?

If there’s one thing you should do today, it is buy stock in Zoloft because America.is.depressed.

While so many of our loose ends got tied up last night (and I did find myself cheering aloud much of the time), I can’t help but feel that a small piece of me has died. The reason for my existence constant attention to the show is dead? Say it aint so. Who will I pine for now? It’s slim pickins these days. Daario? The Night’s King?

But more on that later.

Let’s start at the beginning where global warming hits Stannis’ camp and Melisandre is all, “Told ya so. Let’s go blow shit up.” Stannis’ wife—who, until last episode definitely won the award for worst parent—killed herself while half of Stannis’ troops ran away because toasting his kid like a marshmallow didn’t really leave a good taste in their mouths.

Lady Melisandre: Oops, I guess my 8-ball was off, sorry. Off to Castle Black, ttyl.

There’s a reason pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and Stannis marches on to his impending death Winterfell anyway where Sansa is playing frogger across the courtyard trying to get to the broken tower. It took her five seasons but by golly she’s gonna do something for herself for once. Unfortunately, by the time she gets to the top of the tower and lights the candle, Brienne and Pod see Stannis’ busted army coming down the hill and rush off to intercept him.

Sansa almost makes it back to her room without being spotted, but of course hell hath no fury like a kennlemaster’s daughter scorned, and Myranda is waiting for Sansy when she returns. She’s saying something about Ramsay only needing parts of Sansa to make babies or something equally weird when Theon finally does something of value and launches her over the balcony. Realizing the gravity of the situation (hehe get it?), the two decide that the most logical decision is to jump hand-in-hand from the roof into the snowy abyss.

Oh, and Brienne totally kills Stannis in a devastatingly anti-climactic way. I guess if I killed my child, my wife committed suicide and my mistress left me to go to a castle of dudes, I probably wouldn’t put up much of a fight, either.

Across the pond, Jaime, Myrcella and Trystane, who we never see this episode even though he’s allegedly on the boat, are making their way back to King’s Landing. Ellaria and her sand snakes see them off at the dock, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t really bat an eye at the uncomfortably-long kiss she shared with Myrcella (what with all the nudity and incest that goes on in this show regularly. I feel like I’m numb to weird at this point).  Anyway, Jaime is having a Maury session with Myrcella but she’s hip to it already.

Jaime: When two people love each other…

Myrcella: I, like, totally know. Blonde is a recessive gene…

They exchange their first and only hug as father and daughter before her brain totally blows up inside her head and starts leaking out everywhere. Cut immediately to Ellaria giving zero fucks back on the dock and wiping off her poison lipstick.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

Anybody else a little bored of Arya’s plot this season? The many-faced god needs to spice it up a bit. And while I appreciated her checking Ser Meryn off of her list (finally), I was really looking forward to her killing that man with her clams in a ghastly way.  That’s really all I have to say about that.

Oh, Arya is blind now, I guess.

Meanwhile, nobody can find Daenerys or her lazy dragon so Daario and Jorah set off to look for them. Tyrion tries to join them and they’re all like, “No, sorry dude. Only if you’re in love with her.” He and Grey Worm stay behind to run the city which is, for all intents and purposes, in lockdown mode after the fighting pits debacle last week.

Daenerys finds herself on the side of a mountain somewhere and nobody to help. Out of nowhere, a swarm of Dothraki, like seriously, the most horses I’ve ever seen, are swirling around her and suddenly being alone is looking pretty good. Not sure if they will know who she is, want to help, or be big pains in the ass. The jury is still out on this one.

Now, I know I can’t be the only one who watched the Cersei scene and didn’t instantly think of Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. If you’ve seen Les Mis, you know what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t, remove me from your Facebook friends immediately.

Cersei says she wants to be clean, confesses to one one-hundredth of her crimes, and is made to shave off her hair and parade nakedly through the streets of King’s Landing. The finest folk of King’s Landing have turned up for this event, and everybody throws stuff at her and waves their junk in her face as she passes. Meanwhile, the nun behind her, who has exactly two lines all season, manages to get hit by nothing. She makes it back to the Red Keep just in time to meet the new Frankenstein who has pledged a vow of silence until all of Cersei’s enemies are dead. Yeah, because the Mountain had so many lines before.

That little shit Olly better sleep with one eye open. That’s all I’m sayin’. I was extremely upset when they stabbed Jon repeatedly, but I also missed part of it because I forced my mom to watch with me and she was saying, “Oh no, isn’t that your man?” as it happened. I went upstairs and re-watched the episode before bed just so I could get the whole effect. At first, I was overcome with sadness. Then went right into pure hatred for the writers and vowed never to watch the show again. This lasted all of 5 minutes.

As I thought about it more, there are so many reasons why Jon just CAN’T be dead. #1, he’s the only compelling part of the storyline at the Wall. #2. We still don’t know the truth about his parentage (because I know y’all don’t buy the story they’re feeding us). #3. His neck was exposed for, like, a good 6 seconds where Olly could’ve slit his throat and didn’t. This may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but think about all of the major character deaths in GOT. Ned…beheaded. Catelyn…throat slit. Robb…stabbed in the heart. Tywin…arrow through the heart. If they wanted us to know for certain that Jon is dead and definitely not coming back, they could’ve made that more abundantly clear. Since they didn’t, I think we can at least pray for a weird Melisandre séance in season 6.

Thanks for stopping by!